Goat In The Meze: A farcical look at Greek life (The Greek Meze Series Book 1)

by Katerina Nikolas

  “It was a blessing in disguise our car breaking down,” Quentin confessed “otherwise we would have driven right by Astakos and never discovered our new falling down house and made all these wonderful new friends.”

  “I ‘ope you say the same thing tomorrow when yous see size of mechanic bill,” Adonis muttered. “We should ‘ave party in garden of new ‘ouse ‘fore you leaves,” he suggested, and his idea was warmly received by everyone.

  “I bring my infamous borscht,” mail order Masha volunteered, to the delight of Deirdre who was yet to sample this Russian delicacy she had heard so much about.

  “’Opefully we ‘ave a bit of road-kill goat too,” Gorgeous Yiorgos piped up, remembering how much everyone had enjoyed the tasty delight of the Pappas’ first pet goat Krasi.

  “If you gets one I will scrub off tyre marks and Takis cook it,” Yiota volunteered, eager to make a contribution to the party of these new excellent customers.

  Gorgeous Yiorgos asked the American couple if they got much opportunity to feast on ‘road kill’ goat in Idaho and Quentin advised sadly not. He volunteered the information the patriotic state animal of Idaho is the Appaloosa horse.

  “Po-po we not eatin ‘orses ‘ere,” Gorgeous Yiorgos scowled “’orse meat not traditional Greek cooking.”

  “Is funny you ‘ave an Hells Canyon in Idaho K-Went-In as we ‘ave the Hells Gates near ‘ere,” Prosperous Pedros said, showing off his book learning from his dead father’s collection of historical books.

  “Yes indeed, and we also have the Craters of the Moon Monument” Quentin said.

  “I thinks thats moon landing just bigly conspiracy theory,” Prosperous Pedros declared, having given much consideration to the matter. His words left everyone open mouthed at the strange tangent his mind had taken in response to Quentin’s geographical information.

  “Yous ‘ave the olive oil?” Adonis questioned, to which Deirdre replied “unfortunately not, but we have lots of potatoes.”

  Prosperous Pedros kindly offered to give them a tin of his most excellent extra virgin olive oil to take back to Idaho. Deirdre expressed her thanks and hoped they would have room in their suitcases for the big tin of oil along with the patriotic shower curtains and the glow in the dark plastic Parthenon she had promised Fat Christos she would buy from his new supermarket.

  “I suppose we best go looking for your mother and Aunty Nitsa,” Tall Thomas said to Prosperous Pedros. “They did ‘ave a terrifying experience last night and the pervert thief ‘as not been caught.”

  Prosperous Pedros reluctantly conceded the decent thing to do would be to make sure Fotini and Nitsa were safe and instructed Yiota to cancel his second order of vegetarian chicken.

  Chapter 112

  Locked in the Hardware Shop

  “That malaka Bald Yannis ‘as locked us in,” Fotini declared, fumbling her way out of the filthy back stockroom into the pitch dark hardware shop.

  “Don’t be rude about my new boyfriend,” Nitsa scolded. “What we goin’ to do now?” she asked as they groped around in the dark, bruising their frail old limbs on obtrusive shelving and bulky stock items.

  “’Ere, this is one of them new-fangled torch things,” Fotini cried, delighted in her discovery, and even more so when she worked out how to use it.

  “Careful with that fire hazard,” Nitsa warned, voicing a sudden suspicion Bald Yannis had a torch in his shop and so did last night’s intruder.

  “The malaka sells ‘em,” Fotini explained, ruling Bald Yannis out as the new prime suspect pervert.

  Fotini and Nitsa moved slowly around the shop in the light from the torch. Feeling suddenly hungry they decided to see if Bald Yannis had any food stashed away and started rummaging round beneath his shop counter.

  “This pie ‘as got moukla,” Fotini said in disgust, holding out an old spinach pie with a mouldy green crust “that Bald Yannis he got no standards. Where’s that skinflint ‘ide ‘is emergency supply of brandy?”

  Their search for food uncovered nothing more interesting than a tub of yoghurt and another manky old pie, so they were forced to imbibe Bald Yannis’ supply of emergency brandy on empty stomachs.

  Nitsa was pleased to find Bald Yannis’ stash of underwear catalogues. She placed a large and expensive order for sexy bras, knickers and pop socks, using the shop telephone and Bald Yannis’ plastic payment card which she discovered by prising his cash register open. “I’ll ‘ave these undies delivered to your address Fotini,” she said “you be wanting any too?”

  “Get me some new bloomers,” Fotini ordered “mine was all stolen off the washing line.”

  It never occurred to either old lady in their now sozzled state they could use the telephone to summon help and be rescued from the locked-in confines of the hardware shop. However they did have the sudden brainwave of telephoning ‘Mono Ellinka Trofima’ and requesting Takis deliver them a take away of souvlaki and salad.

  “But ‘ows he going to get it through the locked door?” Fotini questioned after she had placed the order.

  Chapter 113

  Bald Yannis is Dragged out of Bed

  “Crazy sozzled old ladies is locked in ‘ardware shop and want food delivered,” Takis exclaimed to his taverna customers. Gorgeous Yiorgos volunteered to run after Prosperous Pedros and Tall Thomas to alert them to the whereabouts of their mother and aunt, leaving Takis stood at the grill asking “should I cook this souvlaki or not?”

  “’Ows we going to get them out?” Prosperous Pedros pondered, vigorously rattling the securely locked hardware shop door.

  “Is that our food?” Fotini called from behind the locked door, before falling drunkenly into the wheelbarrow Bald Yannis had left by the side of the door.

  “We either break door down or get keys off Bald Yannis,” Tall Thomas said “but if we breaks door down that bald malaka may ‘ave us arrested for breaking and entering.”

  “Best get the keys then,” Prosperous Pedros concluded, telephoning Bald Yannis, only to receive a furious reaction he was expected to get out of his bed to come to the aid of those two old nuisances. Bald Yannis suffered a pang of horror he had inadvertently locked them in his hardware shop where they were no doubt creating havoc and possible breakages. He hoped they were not the snooping type as he didn’t want anyone discovering his secret stash of underwear catalogues.

  “Yous is bald again,” Gorgeous Yiorgos noted in surprise when Bald Yannis arrived. He had spent the last hour before bed painstakingly unsticking the super glued terrible toupee from his head. The egg-like protrusion which identified him as Stavroula’s strangling attacker had receded completely so he considered it safe to uncover his follicly challenged dome once more. Large patches of dried on glue marred the smoothness of his scalp, but he decided now he was at the shop he would pick up a bottle of turpentine to remove them.

  “Yous looks ‘orrid without ‘air young Yanni,” Nitsa bluntly told him as she staggered drunkenly through the now unlocked hardware shop door, hurriedly buttoning her top button so Bald Yannis could not get a quick glimpse of her now hairless chest. She didn’t want this ugly man giving her the eye any longer she decided, wondering how she could ever have imagined him attractive. “Now where did we park taxi?” she asked, rattling the keys.

  Prosperous Pedros insisted Nitsa was in no fit state to drive home and bundled the two old ladies brusquely into his pick-up van. The Pappas was passing by the harbour, enjoying a late evening stroll dragging the reluctant goat behind him. He noted the state of Fotini and Nitsa and decided to share with them the wisdom of one of his Biblical quotes. “Woe to him who makes his neighbours drink, you make them drunk in order to gaze at their nakedness.”

  “I not make them drinks brandy, they stole it,” Bald Yannis responded crossly, “and I never want to see them old crones naked.” With that he went angrily into the shop to find some turpentine, threatening to send Prosperous Pedros the bill for any damages in the shop.

  Chapter 114

&nbs
p; Debt Collectors at the Door

  Toothless Tasos was far out at sea on his fishing boat before sunrise when he received a hysterical phone call from his new fiancée Thea on his new-fangled mobile phone, demanding he get back to dry land double quick.

  “The debt collectors are banging at the door,” his hysterical fiancée screeched. “Those ‘orrible people at ‘ome shopping channel ‘ave sent them round.”

  “Don’t let ‘em in,” Toothless Tasos instructed, promising to get back to dry land as quickly as the boat allowed. Instead of turning the engine on he sat fiddling with his fishing nets and staring out across the sea, contemplating if he really wanted to take on Thea and her many debt laden problems. He realised her spendthrift ways were not to his taste and wondered if she would be willing to change.

  He sat transfixed until his attention was caught by the stately beauty of a single dolphin dancing in the water. As the dolphin was joined in its dance by a second dolphin Toothless Tasos considered a coupled existence would be far preferable to his own lonely solitary state. Whatever Thea’s faults she was the goddess of his dreams and he had to admit she made his heart leap, just as the dolphins leapt gracefully in the water.

  The realisation hit him whatever her faults he could no more cut Thea from his life than he could fish for dolphins. “Oh my, my Thea needs me and ‘ere I sit idling,” he proclaimed, turning on the engine and pointing the fishing boat back to shore.

  Thea had barricaded herself in the harbour-side house, refusing to allow entry to the two ominous looking bulky debt collectors banging on her front door. She was mortified at the thought her fellow villagers would soon be roused by the noise they were making as it was quite enough to wake the sleeping village.

  “What you want to goes away?” she hissed out of her upstairs window, hoping she could enter into negotiations which would not involve a cash payment as her coffers were empty. Even if Toothless Tasos turned up quickly with some money the other villagers were bound to spot the debt collectors unless she could get rid of them immediately.

  The debt collectors turned out to be not unreasonable types and they agreed to go away if Thea returned some of the unpaid for tat she had acquired from the home shopping channel on credit. As she hurriedly looked through her boxes of tat she realised she had sold the unpaid for pans to Stavroula and the unpaid for jewellery to Mr Mandelis at the jewellery shop, during the house clearance sale.

  The debt collectors hurriedly loaded their van up with an assorted collection of boxes of tat and Thea bid them goodbye with a loud fake “thank you so much for calling, hope to see you again soon,” as she did not want the passing Pappas to come to the correct conclusion regarding the identity of her early morning visitors.

  It never once occurred to the Pappas Thea’s early morning callers were debt collectors as he had instead come to the instant and wrong conclusion her early morning callers were unsuitable gentlemen and Thea was running some kind of brothel out of her harbour-side house.

  The Pappas gave Thea a filthy look as she was now marked as a loose woman in his eyes. He supposed this bit of juicy gossip would help get him back in the good graces of his congregation and he looked forward to improving his standing by spreading it quickly.

  By the time Toothless Tasos turned up at Thea’s house the debt collection crisis had been temporarily averted. Thea told him she had managed to get rid of them by returning some of the unpaid for boxes of tat, but they had threatened to return for cash if she did not settle the outstanding bills soon.

  Having determined to protect his beloved from any worry Toothless Tasos suggested Thea move into his house to avoid any future encounters with the debt collectors. He had one proviso he insisted on though, telling Thea “but you ‘ave to promise to stop yous spendthrift ways.”

  Chapter 115

  His Darling Agapimeni

  “I want attractive goat,” Bald Yannis told Fat Christos, who immediately asked what size he would like, pointing out if it was too big it may be difficult to cook inside a domestic oven.

  “I not eat it, I not cannibal,” Bald Yannis exclaimed, before hastily correcting his malapropism and saying, “I means I not carnivore, I is vegetarian.”

  Unlike Prosperous Pedros the ‘sometime vegetarian’ Bald Yannis was a fully vocal member of the ‘not eating meat’ club. In fact it was his vociferous assertion it was because Yiota had included chicken in her version of vegetarian meat free vegetable pie that had led to his lifetime ban from the taverna after he insisted the feather he found in his piece of pie had not come from an aubergine as she claimed.

  “I want a goat more beautiful than the one the Pappas ‘as,” Bald Yannis stated. “I want a pleasant goat as goodly companion.” The two men were looking out over Fat Christos’ newly inherited herd of goats, considering the individual merits of the animals they surveyed.

  Fat Christos had at first been reluctant to do business with Bald Yannis, recalling how he had stepped over his suffering body when he was stricken down with liquidised food poisoning. Bald Yannis pointed out he’d had to throw a perfectly good pair of expensive shoes away after the stricken Fat Christos had vomited all over them, hoping Fat Christos would not recognise the shoes he was wearing as the ones in question, now hose piped clean.

  His argument finally wore Fat Christos down and he agreed to sell the hardware man a goat. When he realised Bald Yannis intended to keep the goat as a companion pet he agreed to pick out a choice one, providing Bald Yannis swore he would not use it to demonstrate chain saw hair cuts on.

  Finally Bald Yannis chose a particularly pretty goat he instantly named “Agapimeni” as he declared she looked so utterly darling. Scratching his head in a perplexed fashion Fat Christos watched Bald Yannis lead the goat gently away and considered the foibles of human nature never ceased to amaze him.

  Returning to his new supermarket Fat Christos was excited to unpack his new stock of tourist tat, remembering to put two ‘glow in the dark’ plastic Parthenons to one side for Deirdre. “’Ave them goat calendars come in yet?” he asked Tassia “as I suspect they is going to be a hot cake best seller this year.”

  “They ‘ave indeed,” Tassia told him “and a thousand goat postcards too.”

  The newlyweds shared a delighted smile as Fat Christos guessed his prediction goats would prove to be popular this summer was off to a fine start, as evidenced by the sudden rush of villagers acquiring goats as pets.

  Chapter 116

  Squashed Gossip

  Fortunately for Thea’s good reputation the Pappas’ scurrilous and presumptive accusations she was operating a house of ill repute from her harbour-side house were revealed as nothing more than the ramblings of his feverish imagination. As he attempted to plant the seeds to malign Thea’s good name he was exposed as a malicious meddling liar by Petros the postman who had witnessed the arrival of the debt collectors, before sunrise, at Thea’s front door.

  “Men arrived at crack of dawn as I was delivering the mail,” Petros asserted to everyone listening in the kafenion, “and is not my business what business they ‘ave with ‘er and is none of yous business neither. But Thea goodly woman and refuse to open ‘er door at first, most likely in case someones like yous gets wrong idea about ‘er morals.”

  With the Pappas put firmly in his place his intentions to add some malicious tittle-tattle to the local gossip vine were firmly squashed. Thanks to the astute observations of the still half-asleep postman Thea’s reputation remained intact. The Pappas announced he was going home as he knew at least the goat Nero would have no choice but to listen to what he had to say if he dragged her out for a reluctant walk.

  Back at her harbour-side house Thea had no idea she was the object of village discussion. She was busy packing her suitcases for the move to Toothless Tasos’ house in order to avoid a repeat of the morning’s worrying encounter with the debt collectors. She assured Tasos “’I ‘ave stopped buying all tat from ‘ome shopping channel and will try to be less spendthri
ft.”

  Toothless Tasos voiced his concerns that once she moved in with him she would once again have access to the tempting home shopping channel as he had a television.

  “I promise yous I only watch it to keep up with gripping soap opera ‘Seven Deadly Mothers-in-Law’ and we watch that together,” Thea promised. “Never again I buy anything from the ‘ome shopping channel, yous must trusts me Taso if yous want me move in.”

  Thea had eagerly embraced Toothless Tasos’ suggestion she put her house up for rent and use the subsequent rental income to reduce her substantial debts. The estate agent was due round later to take photographs for prospective tenants.

  “Yous sure yous can live with my cat?” Thea asked Tasos for the hundredth time as they started to carry her suitcases back to his house. He reassured her he would not let her cat become an obstacle to their true love and he would learn to live with it. He was very grateful Thea had not heard anything about his selling her cat. It amused him to think the cat itself had no way of letting the cat out of the bag regarding that unfortunate blunder.

  “What’s that malaka doing with a goat?” he asked as Bald Yannis passed by gently tugging a ribbon clad goat on a lead. He was surprised when the usually surly Bald Yannis stopped in his tracks to introduce his new pet, saying “meet my Agapimeni.”

  “That man get more crazy every day,” Thea observed, adding “yous notice how he called the goat my darling. I thinks that man needs a woman.” Toothless Tasos agreed as he personally found life was infinitely better since he had manned up and voiced his feelings of love to Thea.