by Wade, Ellie
“Yeah, and David’s the loudest,” Maggie adds.
“Well, when you’re born after three incredibly needy sisters, you’ve got to fight for your place in the food chain. I did that by being obnoxiously vocal and annoying—or so they tell me. But everyone took the day off tomorrow, and we’re just going to spend the day together. My dad will cook some good food. Mom will be scurrying around, making sure everyone has everything they need. I’m sure we’ll be playing some games. It will be a great day.”
“It will be.” Maggie looks to Cooper with a hint of sorrow in her eyes before her lips turn up into a smile. “I love David’s family. I definitely got lucky in the in-law department.”
“You two are welcome to come hang out.” Cooper motions his finger between Loïc and me. “My family is dying to meet you, London. They want to meet the girl who finally got under Loïc’s skin.” He chuckles. “Maggie’s family’s coming for part of the day, too.”
“Aw…we would, but—”
“We’ve got plans,” Loïc finishes my thought.
I smile warmly toward him. I know that he is looking forward to our marathon of alone time just as much as I am.
“We’ll make it for your welcome-home party. How’s that?” I ask Cooper.
“That’s cool,” he answers before shoving a huge forkful of noodles into his mouth.
“So, let’s talk wedding plans!” I exclaim with sincere excitement. There’s nothing more fun than planning an amazing party. I think I got my love of event-planning from my mom. “What are you thinking so far?” I ask Maggie.
“You know, you two are going to have a year to get together and discuss the wedding,” Cooper states.
“We sure are, but there’s no time like the present, right, baby?” Maggie asks.
“Right, baby,” Cooper answers with what I think is a bit of a forced smile.
I look to Loïc, and he’s just taking the whole scene in, a slight grin gracing his face.
Sometimes, like now, when I look to him, I can see the wheels turning in his beautiful brain. I can almost see his thoughts racing through his mind. Evident by the smile on his face, I know that they’re positive ones.
I also know that isn’t always the case.
My guy, he’s so stoic at times. There are moments when he has a far off stare, and I’m almost certain he’s remembering something troubling. He’s pretty good at sharing with me. He’s opened up so much over the past six months. But, still…what I wouldn’t give to be able to read his thoughts.
For all he’s shared with me about his tortured past and horrible experiences, I have a feeling that there’s so much more he hasn’t. Every now and then, when I think about the parts of his past that he hasn’t confided in me, I get nervous. A small voice tells me, it’s the secrets one buries the deepest that have the power to destroy them. And though I love to be right, when it comes to that, I hope I’m wrong.
After we get back from the restaurant, Loïc and I shower and climb into bed.
“Do you remember that flight we were on together back in June?” Loïc asks.
“Of course. How could I forget?” I answer playfully.
“Remember how annoying you were?”
“Hey!” I hit him on his chest. “Well, I couldn’t have been that annoying because you kissed me out of the blue. Aw…that was our first kiss. Is that why you thought about that flight?”
“No, though that was a definite highlight. I was actually thinking about your Twenty Questions game and how you were so irritatingly curious and persistent and wanted to be all up in my business.” He chuckles.
“I couldn’t help it. When I see something I want, I can be very persistent.”
“That you can.” He’s quiet for a moment. “That’s what I want to do tonight.”
“What?”
“I want to play a version of your game. I want to learn as much about you as I can before I go. While I’m over there, I want to have a plethora of information to choose from when I think about you.”
“Aw, that’s sweet. But don’t you already know everything about me?” I turn my face to the side to stare into his blue depths.
Loïc lies on his side, his head propped up by his hand, as he faces me. “I know a lot but definitely not everything. I had no idea that you were a trained figure skater.”
“A minor oversight.” I snuggle into his side.
“Well, there are other things I don’t know. For example, um…what is your favorite childhood memory?”
“That’s a hard one!” I exclaim. “Let me think. Oh, I got it. Okay, so once, when I was about ten and Georgia was eight, we were staying in this rental house up in the hills, by Gatlinburg. I don’t remember why we were staying there. It might have been a vacation, or more than likely, my dad had business nearby. It was spring—beginning of April, I think. There was a late-season snowstorm, tons of snow…like, up to my knees. We lost power, and cars couldn’t go up or down the hill with all the snow. The power was out for almost two days, and my dad couldn’t work during that time. Also, the catering company couldn’t get up the hill to bring us meals. So, for two days, we ate random snacks from the pantry—chips, Teddy Grahams, dry cereal, stuff like that. Dad made a fire in the fireplace, and the four of us played board games all night by the light and warmth of the fire. We had an epic Monopoly battle going on. Georgia ended up winning, but I’m almost positive she snuck some money.” I smile, thinking about that night. “It was such a wonderful couple of days. I had uninterrupted time with my entire family. I don’t remember ever laughing so much or having that much fun. It’s something so simple, but that’s what stands out to me as the best memory.”
“I love that story,” Loïc answers.
“What’s yours?”
“I think it was probably the last Christmas that my grandparents were able to come over from England. I was five. I don’t remember everything about the day, honestly. I was so young, but bits and pieces come back to me from time to time. I remember my mom was often sad, but she was especially happy that day. I recall my granddad being really funny. He was always doing weird things.
“I remember my dad and Nan working together in the kitchen, making Christmas dinner. They were belting out Beatles songs. Even at that age, I knew that neither of them could carry a tune, but it didn’t matter; it was so fun to listen to them. They both loved to laugh a lot.
“I don’t even recall what presents I got that day. Legos maybe? But the thing that stands out the most about it was just the feeling of complete joy. We were all so happy. After my parents died, that feeling of joy got me through a lot of hard nights. I drew on that memory to give me strength. Over the years, the details have faded, but the immense sense of happiness never has.”
“That’s beautiful, Loïc,” I say in a whisper. “It’s kind of neat that the central focus of both of our memories is family and the feeling of happiness. I guess it shows what’s important in life, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, I suppose it does,” Loïc says thoughtfully.
“Oh, I have an idea!” I grab Loïc’s arm and squeeze with excitement.
“Yeah?” He looks amused.
“How about, while you’re gone, we can play a really long Twenty Questions game? So, every email I send, I’ll ask you a question, and when you respond, you’ll answer it and then ask me a question. Of course, when you ask a question, you have to answer it as well. It will be fun, something to look forward to, you know?”
“That sounds great,” he agrees. “Actually, that will be cool because a lot of what goes on over there, I won’t be able to share with you. So, now, I’ll have something to write to you besides I love you and I’m still alive.”
My eyes open wide as I gasp. “Don’t even joke about that, Loïc. That’s not funny.”
“I didn’t mean it to be funny, London, but things happen sometimes. It’s a possibility.” His face wears an expression of remorse.
My eyes fill with tears. “It’s not. You’ll b
e fine. You’ll be back, but you have to think positively. Promise me that you won’t say anything like that again. I mean, I could walk out my front door and get hit by a car tomorrow, but I’m not going to wake up and say, Hope I don’t die today.”
“Yeah, but my situation is a little different.”
“Maybe, but can we pretend it’s not? Let’s just look forward to when you come back, safe and sound, okay? I can’t handle thinking about the alternative. To me, there is no alternative. There can’t be one for you either. Got it? Promise me that you’ll come back to me.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you,” I sigh as I wrap my arms around his back and nuzzle into his chest. It’s not the most profound promise, but I’ll take it.
London
“This pain isn’t exclusive to me, but it aches as if it is.”
—London Wright
“I love you,” I say, forcing my voice to be steady with strength that I didn’t know I had.
“I know, and I love you, London—more than you’ll ever know. I’m not good with words.” He pauses, letting out a strained sigh. “And this good-bye stuff is so new and hard. I want to tell you all the right things…and I just…” His voice trails off as he grabs the back of his neck. His eyes close, and he lets his head fall back until his face points toward the cloudy sky.
“Hey…” I place the palm of my hand against his abdomen.
He lowers his gaze to meet mine.
“First, you are amazing with words, much more so than you give yourself credit for.”
He smiles, but it doesn’t reach his eyes. They emit so much sadness, but I know he’s trying hard to be strong for me.
“We knew this was coming, right?” I say more to myself than him. “You’re going to go and do your job and come back to me. You’re going to be fine. I’m going to work and go on with life while you’re gone. I’m going to be fine. We’re going to be okay, Loïc…I promise you. This isn’t forever. In fact, in the story of our lives, this will be a very small chapter.”
I wrap my arms around his waist and rest my cheek against his chest, absorbing as much of his warmth as possible. “You’re off to do something noble and great. You have an important job, and I couldn’t be prouder of you. I’m so happy we found each other, Loïc. I love you so much. I’m going to write to you every day. We’re going to be okay,” I repeat. “We’re going to make it.”
“I love you, London. I’ll email back and call you as often as I can.”
Pulling my face back, I peer up to him. “It’s just a year. We totally got this.” I force a grin.
He nods. “We got this.”
He bends as I rise up on my toes. Our lips meet, and it’s perfection. Loïc’s wrong when he says that he’s not good with words because he’s said some pretty swoonworthy things to me in the time that I’ve known him. But the thing is that he wouldn’t even have to because no one has ever communicated more love through a kiss than Loïc. Truthfully, he doesn’t have to utter a syllable because this kiss, his lips, his passion say everything that I could hope to hear.
He left.
Eight hours ago, I kissed Loïc for what was the last time for a while—for about three hundred sixty-four days actually, if we’re lucky.
I watched as he boarded the bus with his duffel bag thrown over his shoulder. I stood with Maggie in the parking lot of their military base as a hundred or so other men dressed in camouflage boarded buses as well. I was surrounded by people—wives, mothers, sisters, girlfriends, fathers, brothers, and children. Many were crying with looks of sadness, fear, and heartbreak haunting their faces. Others wore brave expressions in hopes of giving their soldiers strength on their journey. I was in that group. I waved and blew kisses with a strained smile as the military procession pulled away.
Long after the busses were out of sight, my hand continued to move back and forth in front of me, the pained smile frozen to my face. Eventually, I dropped it. Sighing, I gave Maggie a quick hug, and I left.
Now, I’m sitting, cross-legged, on my couch, where I’ve been sitting for the better part of the day, feeling numb.
It’s been mere hours since I’ve seen Loïc, yet the gravity of a year of longing is weighing down on my heart, causing a pain I’ve never known.
I know that I’m not the first to see their soldier off on deployment. I realize that countless wives have said good-bye to their husbands, the fathers of their children. This pain isn’t exclusive to me, but it aches as if it is.
I ignored the impending sorrow that the enormity of this reality was sure to bring for so long, not wanting to spend a second of my time left with Loïc feeling down. But it’s here now, and I must face the next year without him. I just don’t know what to do with myself or how to make this hollowness in my chest go away.
My cell vibrates next to my leg. My hand springs for it, causing it to fumble in my grasp. I take a calming breath and hold the phone steady. Loïc’s name flashes across the screen along with one of my favorite pictures of the two of us.
I quickly swipe the screen to answer. “Hey.” My voice sounds relatively okay, not hinting to the internal mess that I am.
“Hey, babe. Miss me yet?”
“Very much,” I answer honestly. “Did you just get there?”
The busses took the guys to a National Guard base in Columbus, Ohio, where they will leave from tomorrow.
“A few hours ago. We’ve been debriefing and getting everything ready to leave tomorrow. We’re done for the rest of the night though.”
“Oh, that’s good. What are you gonna do?”
“I’m going to go out with Sarah and Cooper, maybe dinner and bowling or something low-key.”
There’s a buzzing in my ears from all the blood rushing to my head. I didn’t hear everything Loïc just said, seeing that I kind of blanked out after I heard the word Sarah. I’m pretty sure, if one’s head could explode from fury, my brain matter would already be decorating these walls.
“Sarah?” I say as steadily as possible.
“Oh, yeah. She drove up here for the day to surprise me. She wanted to say good-bye in person.”
Oh, I bet she did.
“I didn’t realize that you could have visitors tonight. I would have flown down to spend the evening with you.” My lip quivers, and I have to stop the impending waterworks.
“It’s okay, babe. It’s not really common practice to have visitors here. Sarah just showed up, and it kinda all worked out because we finished up early.”
I sigh into the phone, at a loss for what to say.
“I miss you, too, London,” Loïc says sweetly.
“Yeah? Like, a lot?”
“An insane amount.”
A small smile spreads across my face. “I miss you like crazy, too.”
“Remember, everything will be okay…right?” he says, trying to reassure me.
“I know.”
“All right, well, we’re heading out. I’ll call you tomorrow morning before we leave.”
“Okay, I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he says before the line goes dead.
I hold my cell phone in my lap and just stare at it. I’m so lost already, and my journey has barely begun. How will I ever find my way?
I raise my head when I hear Paige enter the living room. She’s just getting back from work.
Placing her leather laptop bag on the chair, she looks to me with a worried expression. “Are you okay?”
I shake my head, biting my lip to stop it from trembling.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
I shrug, my eyes filling with unshed tears.
“Do you know what we need?” The question is rhetorical, so she continues, “We need a good old-fashioned cry session. I’m talking about snot-dripping, chest-heaving, shrieking-sobs ugly cry. Then, I’m going to pick up dinner—your choice—and of course, get some Ben and Jerry’s Chubby Hubby for you.” She winks. “Then, we’re going to have a romantic movie marathon an
d stuff our faces while we cry until we can’t cry anymore.” She taps her lips with her finger. “We should start with The Notebook. That’s a guaranteed ugly cry right there. Sound good?”
I nod marginally as the tears start falling, months of repressed worry needing to escape. Paige sits next to me on the couch and wraps her arms around me. As I lean my head against her shoulder, the waterworks really come. My back shakes with sobs as all my fears and sadness fall onto Paige’s fancy new business suit.
I don’t know how long I cry, but when the tears cease, my throat feels raw, and my face is hot and itchy.
I sit up and stare at the huge pond of tears and snot that I left on Paige’s shoulder and chest. I drag my arm across my nose. “I’m sorry, Paige. I think I ruined your outfit.”
She waves me off. “You know what they say. A watched pot never boils. It will be fine after a quick trip to the dry cleaner.”
I wipe my wet face with my shirt before I start to laugh.
“What?” Paige asks.
“Sometimes, you are the smartest person I know, and then other times…you make absolutely no sense. What would I do without you?” I say with a chuckle.
“Well, clearly, you’d be lost.” Paige winks. “Listen, you go shower while I pick up supplies. What do you feel like tonight? Chinese?”
“No, I think pizza. You know that deep dish one with the extra buttery crust from our favorite place? Oh, and don’t forgot the extra ranch to dip it in.”
“Nice. We’re not playing around tonight!” Paige looks down at her attire. “So, I’m going to change out of these snot rags really quick, and then I’ll head out. When I come back, I want you showered, in your comfiest clothes, and ready for a night of feeling sorry for ourselves. Got it?”
“Got it.” I nod, feeling more human than I have all day.
I dip the garlic-buttered goodness into the container of homemade ranch and practically moan when it hits my mouth. I might have to go on a walk or something tomorrow to counter my calorie intake tonight, but it’s so worth it.