by Wade, Ellie
“It’s not like that, Loïc.” She lifts herself up onto her elbows, resting her forearms against my chest, and peers into my eyes. “This isn’t me as a broken girl, desperately trying to feel love. This is me as an adult, telling you that I love you. I want a life with you, Loïc. There is no one that can love you like I can, and there is no one who has ever loved me as much as you have. We’re meant to be together.”
“You’re my family,” I respond. “Of course I love you. I would do anything to help you, to make you happy. But I don’t love you like that.”
She gives her head a slight shake. “You don’t think you love me in that way because you’ve always treated me like a sister, but if you give it a chance, I know it can work between us. We can be together, raise this little boy, and be a real family. You don’t have to be Uncle Loïc. You can be Daddy.”
“I can’t.”
“I know,” she sighs, a trace of sorrow lining her voice. “I know that things are rough for you right now, but”—her demeanor changes as a smile graces her face—“that actually makes this more perfect because this baby and I can make you happy. We will love you so much that your heart will heal. You and I came into each other’s lives for a reason. We are meant to be together. Just please think about it.”
“I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason, Sarah. Fate and destiny and all that shit aren’t real.” I push up against the couch cushions until I’m sitting up.
Sarah sits beside me, turning to face me. She stares at me for a moment. “You are my destiny, Loïc. You came into my life like a knight in shining armor and rescued me from a life of hell. You saved me. That’s fate. I have loved you ever since you grabbed my hand and we ran out of that house when I was thirteen.”
I’ve always hated the idea of fate. For a brief moment, when I was with London and life was so great and I felt true happiness, I thought, Maybe?
But then it all came crashing down again, like it always does, reminding me that nothing happens for a reason.
My temper flares beneath the surface, and I will it to stay contained as I speak, “Sarah, to say that everything happens for a reason is to say that my parents were supposed to die and my grandparents were destined to abandon me. It’s to say that you were supposed to be molested, raped, and left by all those who were supposed to love you the most. It’s to say that Cooper—the best man I’ve ever known—was supposed to die. That’s bullshit, Sarah. Things simply do not happen for a reason. Life has no rhyme or reason, and shitty things happen to good people every single day. Life isn’t love, destiny, rainbows, and butterflies. Life is shit. It’s painful and hard. It’s surviving when you want to give up.”
“No, Loïc…” Sarah’s lip trembles as tears escape from her eyes. She places her hand on my good leg and squeezes gently. “Life gives us heartache, so we can appreciate the joy. You taught me that.”
“No, I didn’t.”
“Not with words, but with your actions. You showed me that, even in the darkest of times, there is light to be found. You showed me that, even when you have nothing, if you have love, you have enough. You showed me that, if we persevere through the difficult times, something good will be waiting for us at the end. Yeah, life can be hard. But you showed me that, through it all, I deserve happiness. Well, guess what? You deserve the same. We’ve put in our dues. We’ve suffered. We’re allowed to be happy now. Let’s build a life together—you and me against the world. And I guarantee, because of all the crap that we’ve overcome, we’ll appreciate it that much more.”
“I’m sorry, Sarah. Whoever you thought I was, I can assure you, I’m not. I will love you and this baby as much as I can for as long as I’m able. But I can’t give you the life you deserve. For me, life is simply existing until I die. You and this baby deserve a happy life.” I reach for my crutches and stand.
She stands with me, disappointment gleaming in her eyes. “And you don’t? Loïc, I want to help you. Tell me how. How can I make you happy?”
“Just leave me alone, please,” I plead as I start toward my bedroom.
From behind me, Sarah sadly calls out, “I’m not giving up on you.”
I ignore her as I shut my bedroom door behind me.
London
“I miss me.”
—London Wright
Looking through the front windshield as we approach Main Street in Los Angeles, my stomach does a flip as I read THE TIMES engraved in the stone of the building high above the tops of the palm trees lining the street.
Yes, I said, palm trees. Score for California.
This is so surreal.
I thank my Uber driver and hop out of his car. I stand for a moment and let my emotions settle. I’m about to walk into my dream job and my new life.
Just a week ago, I summoned the courage to call Brad about a job at the paper, and now, I’m here. One week was all it took to pack up the last five years of my life and move across the country.
Saying good-bye to Paige was so hard. We both shed many tears, but I will still see her often. My dad owns the house that we lived in, so for now, Paige will continue to stay there. I don’t think he’s in any rush to sell it. Plus, when I decide to visit Michigan, I’ll have a place to stay.
I take a deep breath before pulling the tall glass door open and entering the building. Life goes on, as they say, and I am ready for this. I’m so ready not to hurt. I’m ready to do something I love and to feel like me again.
I miss me. I want the awesome London back, not the heartbroken whiny pants. Seriously, that version of myself is annoying.
As I enter, I smile when I see the large globe in the main corridor. I’ve only seen it in pictures. I click open my Snapchat app and take a selfie with the globe behind me. As I wait for the elevator, I quickly send the photo to everyone I care about. I post it on my story and send it to Paige, Georgia, my mom and dad, and a few of my sorority sisters. I click next to Maggie’s name but unselect it just as quickly. I love Maggie, always will. But some friendships just aren’t meant to last forever. Loïc got Maggie in the breakup, as he should. Our friendship has been slowly fizzling out since Loïc’s return, and I’ve come to peace with it. It’s hard to stay close with someone when there’s so much we can’t talk about. It’s okay. I’m glad Loïc has her.
As the elevator ascends, I run my palms down my Calvin Klein pencil skirt. My last hurrah as roommates with Paige was a huge shopping spree where I bought all sorts of gorgeous professional clothing. I actually bought Paige this exact outfit as I ruined hers in a battle with marinara sauce months back.
I miss that girl.
I step out of the elevator and onto Brad’s floor, and I am immediately greeted by a secretary.
“Hello. How can I help you?”
Her bright red hair, Southern accent, and huge smile take me aback a bit. She seems to be about my age, and I immediately like her even though she isn’t at all what I expected.
For some reason, I was thinking the secretary would be an exact replica to the ones in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. I’ve obviously thought a little too much about what LA would be like.
“Hi. I’m here to see Mr. Abernathy.”
“Oh, you must be London!”
I nod.
“We are so excited to have ya here. Brad has told us all about you.” She beams before hitting a button on her phone. “Brad, Ms. Wright’s here.”
I hear Brad tell her to send me in, and I can’t help but wonder exactly what Brad had to tell about me. He hardly knows me.
“You can head on back. He’s through those doors right there.” She points to a tall set of wooden doors to the right of her desk. “I’m Kate, by the way. I’m new to California, too. I know this is totally forward and all, but I have a two-bedroom apartment and am looking for a roommate. Let me know if you need a place to stay,” she says cheerfully with a wide grin.
“Okay, I will. Thank you.” I smile back at her before heading toward Brad’s office.
I’m currently staying at a hotel. My dad is shopping around for a nice apartment for me, but I have to admit that the thought of moving in with Kate and financially doing this whole LA thing on my own is kind of exciting.
Before I can knock on Brad’s door, it swings open, and I’m met with the man I remember from New Year’s Eve. He looks like a young Brad Pitt with short hair, straight from the set of Fight Club, and he’s wearing a very expensive, sexy suit. I have no interest in anything but a professional relationship with this guy, but man, is he ever beautiful. I wouldn’t have a heartbeat if I couldn’t at least admit that much.
“London.”
His perfect smile disarms me for a second with little unwanted butterflies doing flips in my stomach.
“Hello, Brad.” I extend my hand out to his and shake firmly, ignoring the way in which his hand seems to linger in mine longer than it should.
“Come in.” He motions toward the interior of his office. “Take a seat.”
I sit in a dark brown leather chair that faces his large mahogany desk.
“It’s so good to see you again,” he says as he sits behind his desk.
“Thank you again for this opportunity, Brad. I’m so excited to work here.”
“Of course. So, you know that you’re going to be writing for the LA Now section, so you could be covering anything from local festivals to cheating celebrities to abnormal weather to shootings.” He chuckles. “You’ll get the full LA experience.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“So, how about I show you around? Let you see your office, and then we’ll head out to dinner to celebrate.”
“I have an office?” The tone of my voice rises an octave.
He shrugs. “It’s probably more of a cubical, but office sounds better.”
“Hey, a cubical works for me.” I grin.
I’m full from an incredible dinner and happy to be in good company. Brad really is a cool guy, and I can tell he’ll be a great boss. I was nervous going into this dinner, but it’s going great. The wine helps.
Speaking of amazing wine, I take another sip of the delicious red. I don’t remember what Brad said it was called, but it’s smooth and rich, and it goes down entirely too quickly.
“So, tell me, Mr. Brad Abernathy. Do you take all your new employees out to extravagant dinners?” I ask. The wine has apparently reached the point where I’ve stopped filtering my thoughts, and I’m allowing them all to just escape.
“Not all of them,” Brad replies with a slight smirk.
Feeling my cheeks flush, I place my wine glass down on the table. No matter how much it beckons me, I will not finish my fourth glass because then Brad would pour me a fifth, and that would present all sorts of problems.
“Which ones then?”
“Ones that I have an interest in spending time with,” he answers simply.
“You know I’m not going to sleep with you,” my wine brain makes me say. I press my lips together and raise my eyebrows in warning.
“You know I didn’t ask you to,” Brad responds easily.
“All right, just wanted to get that out there.” I nod with an air of smugness.
“So, tell me, how do you like LA so far?”
“I haven’t seen or done much yet. My flight got in late last night. I checked into the hotel and came to see you today. That’s pretty much the extent of it.”
“How long are you planning on staying at the hotel?”
“I’m not sure. But just until I find a place of my own.”
“Kate tells me that she’s going to convince you to move in with her. Has she approached you yet?”
I let out a small chuckle. “Yes, actually…like thirty seconds after I met her.”
“And?” he prompts with a hint of amusement lining his voice.
“I don’t know. I hardly know her, of course, but she seems really fun. I suppose it’s an option for now. Eventually, I want to do the whole independent thing. You know, first great job deserves my first place on my own. I’ll think about it. It might be nice to have someone to talk to. I don’t know anyone around here.”
“Doesn’t your sister live close? If I remember correctly, she goes to Stanford?”
“Yeah, she did. She graduated last month. She actually just left to do something with the rain forests in South America. I’m not exactly sure what she’s doing though. To be honest, the position sounds a little shady. It’s something about working on local legislation to stop deforestation, but I can’t figure out who she’s actually working for though.”
He nods. “You need to tell her to be extremely cautious. Many parts of South America are in a bit of distress right now with impeached presidents and corruption. Plus, they have that virus down there. Not to mention, if she’s standing up to the big businesses that profit from the destruction of forests, she could be putting herself in danger.”
Shrugging, I agree with him, “I know. But you don’t know Georgia. She’s a force of nature herself. She’s adventurous and fearless. All the stuff you just mentioned probably makes her want to go work in that part of the world even more. She would never let risks or fear dictate her life. It’s just who she is. She’s brave.” Some days, I wish I had a little bit of Georgia in me.
“Sounds like you two are a lot alike,” Brad says.
I scoff. “We are nothing alike. I’m sure she’s happy down there, living in some run-down shack. I would hate that. I’m way more materialistic than she is and a hell of a lot less brave.”
“There’s nothing wrong with liking the finer things in life, and I’d say you’re very brave. You dropped everything and moved to a city where you didn’t know anyone to chase your dream.” His lips turn up in a grin.
I shake my head. “I didn’t call you because I was being brave.”
“Then, why did you call me, London?”
I sigh. “Because I was desperate.”
“For those who are strong, a desperate situation is followed by a brave act. You are a strong woman, London. I can see it in you.”
I don’t know what to say to follow his comment, so instead, I bring my wine glass to my lips and let the rest of the crimson liquid slide down my throat in one long gulp.
Damn it.
As Brad moves to refill my glass, I hold my hand out to indicate that I don’t need any more wine. “Really, I have to work tomorrow. I’m all set.” The last thing I need to do is get wasted in front of my new boss.
“All right.” The corners of his mouth tilt up, and he finishes filling my glass.
I’m not drinking it, I promise myself.
I lead the conversation toward safer topics and enjoy an incredible crème brûlée for dessert. We mix business and pleasure, laughing over some of Paige and my escapades and talking about some news stories slotted for this week. Overall, it’s a great time, and I feel happy.
Before I know it, Brad is pulling up to the front of my hotel. The valet approaches Brad’s car and opens the door to let me out.
“Thank you for dinner, boss. See you tomorrow.” I grin.
“You’re most welcome.” He smiles back.
I stand and exit his car, shutting the door.
The passenger window rolls down. “Oh, London?” he calls from within.
“Yeah?” I bend down and peer into his vehicle.
His intense gaze grabs ahold of me and does all sorts of crazy things to my insides.
Damn you, Brad Pitt!
“I just thought you should know that, although I didn’t ask you to, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be happening.”
I tilt my head in question, and then my eyes widen with understanding.
Brad gives me a cocky grin, and before I can respond, he and his fancy sports car peel out onto the road.
I watch, my mouth agape, as his car fades into the distance, and I wonder what the hell I have gotten myself into.
Loïc
“For me, life is simply about survival.”
—Loïc Berkeley
I cower, my body in a tight ball of fear. Adrenaline and a heavy dose of panic course through my veins as my brain tries to make sense of my surroundings. I take in breaths, pulling the air deep into my lungs, willing my body to stop shaking.
And I see it all again…
The grenade.
Cooper’s face, full of determination and regret. But not regret for his actions. No, he would never be sorry for those. He would save his brothers again, if given the choice. No, in his face, I see sorrow for all those who, in that split-second decision, he was saying good-bye to. I see the grief as he accepted his fate and that of his loved ones.
The explosion.
My screams.
The pieces as he was blown apart.
I hit the wall, and the blackness comes.
But it doesn’t stay.
It’s followed by the pain, the sheer torturous ache that will never leave.
I want the blackness again. I want it to pull me under its depths and never let me surface.
Take me away.
Please take me away…
“Loïc?” a familiar voice questions hesitantly. “Loïc? Are you okay?”
Maggie?
Her voice is so out of place in this hell. She doesn’t belong here.
“Loïc.” This time, her voice is soft, soothing, but there’s an urgent undertone present.
Opening my eyes, I take stock of my surroundings. It’s dark. Releasing the position my body is in, I release a weary sigh. Slowly, I lift my head, pulling it away from my knees. When I blink, Maggie comes into focus.
“Loïc, are you okay?” Her words quiver now as unshed tears fill her eyes.
I’m scaring her.
“Yeah.” I slowly nod my head. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
I try to remember why I’m crouched under a pole on a patch of grass that separates the sidewalk and the street. Then, I recall the loud boom.