She was so silent. He knew that the hollow sound he heard pinging around inside him was his heart breaking. But he didn’t let himself feel anything. He didn’t have time for that. Not if he wanted to salvage whatever they had.
“I don’t want to lose you. You’re my best friend, and we rushed into this way too quickly.”
“You’re right, we did.”
Another dagger.
“And I don’t want to lose you,” he repeated. “But I can’t have you. You don’t love me, Bristol.”
She opened her mouth to speak, her eyes wide, filling with tears, but he shook his head.
“You don’t love me,” he repeated. “And I don’t want to lose the friend I had, so I’m going to walk away right now. And then maybe, one day, we can get back to what we had, but I don’t know. Because I’m not the guy you need. I’m not the one you want. I’m not saying it’s Colin because we both know that’s not it either. But I can’t be the man you turn to when you’re so afraid to look to the future. And I don’t want you to be that for me either.” He added the last part even though he knew it was a lie. She was his future. He fucking loved her. But he wasn’t going to lay himself bare. Man, it would only make it harder for her to walk away.
“I love you,” she whispered.
“But what kind of love, Bristol?” he asked, his voice raw. “You need so much more than I can give you, I think. So, you go. You be the person that I always knew you could be. And I’m going to be myself here. In Boulder. Never leaving. Because my world is here, while you have the rest of the world in your hands. And I don’t think I’m the right guy for you.”
Then he turned and left, leaving part of himself behind.
He didn’t know if he was doing the right thing, and as soon as he said the words, he knew they were probably wrong. But like he’d said before, there was no going back. And wanting something from Bristol wasn’t going to make it happen. So, he left, knowing he was making a mistake. But hell, it was what he was fucking good at, wasn’t it?
Chapter 18
Bristol pulled her hair back and narrowed her eyes at the dark circles that lay under them. She hadn’t slept the night before, and that was her fault.
All of this was her fault.
She had let herself believe in something that wasn’t quite real. How could it have been real when she hadn’t voiced her true feelings? When she had been so scared to hear what Marcus had within him that she hadn’t listened to him.
This was something she would have to figure out, but she still didn’t know how, wasn’t sure if she ever would.
She brought out her concealer and covered her dark circles and then added some powder and a little mascara. The mascara would wash away later if she started to cry again, but that was fine. She would add more layers.
Anything to shield herself from what she was truly feeling. Because if she let herself dive deep beneath the layers, she’d find herself broken, a hollow husk of the woman she thought she was.
She hadn’t wanted to lose her best friend, the man she had grown to love, and so she had created this fairytale where no one needed to ask hard questions, and everything would be fine.
Only that wasn’t how the real world worked. She had broken something precious because she had been so afraid to lose it to begin with.
And there was no going back. How could she have thought there could be.
Her heart ached, and she rubbed a fist over her chest, wondering when she was going to feel whole again.
She knew the answer had to be never. How could she feel truly whole when she didn’t have Marcus by her side?
There would be no going back to him being her best friend and her trying to live up to who he was to her. There would be no going back to smiles and sly innuendos.
There would be no going back to him being part of her family and vice versa.
She was never going to be a Stearn. He was never going to be a Montgomery.
And all because she couldn’t tell him that she loved him.
Because he couldn’t love her back.
And, because seeing her with Colin had brought that all to the forefront.
Hand fisted, nails digging into her palm, she did her best to let out a slow breath.
She shouldn’t have let Colin into her house. Oh, she knew that Marcus hadn’t honestly thought she had cheated on him. He would never feel like that, but the fact that she hadn’t pushed Colin away immediately or more forcefully? Maybe she deserved that.
No, that wasn’t right.
She had done nothing to make Colin do what he did, and she knew Marcus knew that. At least, she hoped.
But maybe seeing the tableau had forced Marcus to see what they didn’t have.
What they had was a fake fairy tale where they could sleep together and pretend like everything was fine, like they weren’t going to ruin everything they’d ever had.
“Great job, Bristol,” she said, swallowing hard. She wasn’t going to cry again, but she felt like she needed to.
She needed to practice, her tour was coming up. She didn’t want to go out of town, didn’t want to leave the house. She had ignored calls from her family, from everybody. All she wanted to do was hide under her blankets and pretend that everything was okay when it actually wasn’t.
The doorbell rang, and she froze, her heart leaping into her throat.
“Marcus?” she asked, her voice a whisper.
But it wasn’t going to be him. How could it be? Not when he had said that he needed space. And being near each other would never be the right amount of space.
She licked her lips and made her way to the door and looked through the peephole.
It wasn’t Marcus, but thank God it wasn’t Colin either.
“Let us in, Bristol. We have keys, too.”
Bristol closed her eyes at the sound of Holland’s voice, and then let out a breath.
"Please, Bristol. Something’s wrong.”
That was Arden.
“I don’t know if breaking and entering is the best way to go about this, but I’ll do it if I have to.”
Madison.
And just like that, Bristol wasn’t completely alone.
She opened the door, knowing she didn’t want to see anyone, but realizing she didn’t have a choice.
“Hey,” Arden said and reached in for a hug. “I know you may not want a hug or people right now, because we have no idea what’s going on, but you’re not answering your phone, nor are you answering your emails or anything. So, we are here. Talk to us.”
They made their way inside, and Bristol let the tears fall, knowing there went her mascara and any concealer she had just put on.
“Oh, honey,” Holland said, bringing her in for a hug. Madison went to her other side, and then Bristol was there, too, and the four of them stood together as Bristol sobbed into their arms, wondering how this had happened.
Because she hadn’t thought of the consequences, that’s how.
Imagine that.
“Marcus ended it,” she said, trying to breathe.
“He did?” Arden asked, her voice low.
Bristol looked around them and knew she had to tell the truth. There was no point in trying to make it sound any better than it was.
“It’s a long story,” she said honestly.
Madison nodded. “They usually are. But we’re here. Promise.”
Bristol let out a breath. “Marcus and I made a plan when I turned twenty that ten years from then, on my thirtieth birthday, if neither of us was married, we’d marry each other.”
The faces on the women that she adored were comical at best. Wide eyes, mouths agape, and a lot of blinking.
Well, she shouldn’t have been surprised.
“Really?” Madison asked. “I would have said that’s brilliant, but oh God, I’m sorry, Bristol.”
“Yeah, I thought it was a brilliant idea, too,” she said honestly. “I thought we were making it work. And so, we decided somehow to be engaged but s
tart dating at the same time. We didn’t really talk about it, and that was the problem. And now, Marcus doesn’t really know how I feel about him, and I don’t know what I feel about him truly because I won’t let myself actually feel anything, and…here we are.” She explained in more detail about everything that had happened, and the girls listened, nodding along, holding her hands, rubbing her back.
The tears fell again, but there was nothing she could do about that. She was just going to look like death for a while now.
The four of them sat in her living room and talked about nothing. She didn’t honestly think any of them would have answers for her, other than that it took time, and maybe this wasn’t the end.
“You have to talk to him,” Arden said honestly.
Bristol nodded. “I know I do. I don’t want him to hate me.” She laughed, even though it was a little watery. “Which is the most self-centered thing ever because he doesn’t know how I feel about him, and that’s horrible. We need to talk, and we need to figure this out. Because even if we don’t go through with the engagement, I can’t lose him.”
“You guys have a foundation that is solid and steady, you may be a little shaky right now, but that comes from lack of communication.” Holland leaned forward and squeezed her hands. “I’m in a relationship with two men. There are multiple relationships within our triad. Communication is the only way we make it work. So, you have to do the same with Marcus. I know it’s scary because you don’t know what he’s going to think, what he’s going to say. But that’s part of being in a relationship. You don’t know, and you have to put yourself out there so you can find out. It’s so scary, but you are one of the strongest people I know, Bristol. You can do this.”
Bristol wiped her face. “Well, you guys sure do believe in me more than I believe in myself.”
“And that’s the case for most people,” Madison said. She shrugged when everyone looked at her. “I pretty much have no self-esteem, but I can tell you that I’m working on it. And I hope you are, too. Now, breathe, and know that this is going to suck for a little while, but you guys are going to figure this out. You need to talk to him.”
“I know. It’s stupid that we aren’t. It’s ridiculous. But I thought it was working. I was wrong.”
“It was working, we all saw it,” Arden said, her voice soft. “However, in order for it to continue working, you need that pesky little thing called communication.”
“I know,” Bristol said, and the four of them talked some more before they all had to go off to their respective jobs and lives, leaving Bristol alone again. But not without hugs first, and threats of moving in if Bristol didn’t get herself together and start living again. These women loved her, and she loved them right back. Even Madison, who was new to her life, but had already taken a strong hold on her heart.
The same heart that was shaky at the moment because she didn’t know what was going to happen with Marcus. But she needed to figure it out.
She had to.
Bristol went through the motions of washing her face then applying a little concealer and mascara once more. No one was going to look at her, but she needed that for herself. Armor so she could formulate a plan in words for Marcus. Because she was going to fight for him, she was going to say the things that she hadn’t said before. And to do that, she needed a detailed list and a plan.
That might sound silly to anyone else, but it worked for her. And others would have to deal with it.
She thought about going back to her studio, working in there, but, instead, she brought out her notebook and started to make that list.
The doorbell rang, and she frowned. She didn’t think it was one of the girls again, but maybe it was one of her brothers. After all, she meddled in their lives enough. It was only right that they do the same for her.
Bristol made her way to the door, looked out the peephole, and froze.
Hell. She had hoped it would be Marcus. Anyone other than who was on the other side of the door. She could ignore it. Keep the door locked and not open it at all. However, that would only be hiding from some of her problems. And she couldn’t hide from Colin forever, not when she had to make sure that he got it through his head that he wasn’t allowed to touch her like that again. And frankly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to work with him in the future. Not only because he sometimes didn’t understand boundaries, but also because every time she worked with him going forward, she would think of the look on Marcus’s face. And she never wanted to think of that look again.
She opened the door but kept it cracked only a little so she could look at him.
“Colin, it’s really not a good time. You should have called ahead.”
“I’m here to check on you. You weren’t answering your phone.”
For a reason, but she didn’t say that. After all, she hadn’t been answering her phone for anybody.
“I’m busy, Colin. I’m sorry. I’ll have to talk to you later.”
“Let me in. I want to apologize.”
“Colin, just go.”
He put his hand on the door and pushed his way in, surprising her. He was much bigger than her, much stronger, something she really hadn’t noticed until now.
She staggered back, and Colin moved in, closing the door behind him and locking it. The sound echoed in the room, and she swallowed hard, her whole body shaking.
“What the hell? I didn’t say you could come in.”
“We need to talk. Get this out in the open. Let’s figure this out.”
“There’s nothing to figure out. You need to go. You’re not welcome here right now.”
“We can fix that.”
“I should rephrase my statement. You’re not welcome here…ever. Get out.”
Her phone was in her studio, and she didn’t have a house phone. Now, she regretted the fact that she didn’t carry her cell with her everywhere.
“We need to talk.”
“You need to go,” she said, taking a step back towards her studio. Colin moved with her, and she froze.
There was something off about him today. Something she couldn’t quite figure out.
He was scaring her, and that worried her.
“No, we’re going to talk this out. You and me. Just like it’s always been.”
He walked around her.
“You’re not with him? He’s not here?”
“That’s none of your concern. Go.” She made to move around him to get to the door, but he gripped her arm tight.
She pulled, but he was stronger. His fingers dug into her flesh, and her heart raced, her breath catching in her throat.
“You need to go.” She tried to keep her voice strong, but it was no use, the shake was coming out anyway.
“Bristol, we’ve been together for years. You and me. You can’t simply toss it away now that you have someone else. I understand that he’s special to you. But what about us? What about what we had? You and I? We could take over the world together. Never forget that. Never forget who I am for you.” His hand squeezed even harder, and she let out a yelping sound, trying to move away.
“Let go of me,” she rasped.
“I’m not going to hurt you, Bristol. But we need to talk.”
“We’re done. We’ve been done. I’m not doing this. You need to go.”
“You can’t do this to me!”
Bristol froze, the terror slamming through her like a wave of nausea.
“Colin. Please let go of me.” She tried to make her voice sound steady, but it was anything but.
“Why? Why should I let go of you? You just don’t understand.” He shook her, and she tried to get away, but he put his free hand on her other arm, squeezing even harder. He was far enough away, his muscles stretched tight, that she couldn’t kick at him. She couldn’t get away.
She struggled, but he held her closer and tighter.
“You can’t just not do the tour with me. Not do the song. I have done everything for you. I have helped you get where you are, and thi
s is how you repay me? With disloyalty?” He shook her again, and she bit her tongue.
“Colin. Please stop.”
“I’ll tell you exactly where you need to be. By my side. With me. Every time. You don’t get to change your mind because you found someone new. You don’t get to leave me after everything I’ve done to make sure you’re the person you need to be. I’m the one who made your career. You were nothing.”
She had comebacks to that, things she wanted to say, but she knew if she told him the actual facts, he would only get angrier, so she tried to calm him down, even as her heart raced so fast she was afraid it would burst.
“Colin. We can talk this out. But please, just let me go.”
“You think you can soothe me? You don’t fucking know me at all, do you?”
The slap across her face startled her, and she blinked, and then she was on the floor, Colin throwing her so hard that her head hit first, and she saw stars. She tried to get up, attempted to shake her head, but she couldn’t. And then he was on top of her, and she panicked, wondering what the hell was happening, how this could happen.
He pushed her down more, his fingers digging into her flesh again. She kicked out, kneeing him in the crotch. He screamed, and she pushed him off her, crawling in the direction of her phone.
He was blocking the door, but if she could get to a window or her phone, she could stop this. She could lock herself in her room, and everything would be okay. He grabbed her ankle and pulled her towards him, and she fell on her face, but she kept scrambling, kept trying to get away. She kicked at him again, this time hitting his face. The sound of her heel against his nose made a crunch, and blood splattered across the room.
He howled in rage. “You bitch,” he screamed, and then he moved on her again, but this time she was faster and was able to get away. She kicked, and she screamed, raking her nails down his face. His nose was already broken, blood flowing, and she left another mark, but she wasn’t able to do it again. Because he pushed her, punching her right in the stomach.
Embraced in Ink: A Montgomery Ink: Boulder Novel Page 17