NINE
Ball-gags, Earplugs and Other Communication Barriers
Really listening and suspending one’s own judgment is necessary in order to understand other people on their own terms… This is a process that requires trust, and builds trust. - Mary Field Belenky
ENDLESS BOOKS, WEBSITES AND OTHER RESOURCES discuss communication, and it would be sheer folly to imagine that the entirety of the subject could be addressed here, or indeed, in any single source. However, failing to mention it at all would be a grievous oversight in a text which is, after all, directed at improving the understanding and relationships of submissive women.
Of course we all know how important communication is in all of our relationships. Over the past decade or so, it’s been so talked about that many of us are tired of hearing about it! The trouble, though, is for all the talking that’s being done, this is still one of the main problems in relationships of all types. It would seem that everyone thinks he is a great communicator, and the issues that arise with communication must be the fault of the other people involved. Therefore, I think it’s important to address two common communication glitches I observe most often within the context of D/S relationships (including my own).
Perhaps the first and most important thing to remember about communication is that it must be effective. If you think you are communicating, but your partner doesn’t understand you, then you’re really just talking, which is only part of the whole. There are two key components to communication - talking and listening - and both are equally important.
When you are trying to express something to your partner, do your homework first. You should know not only what you want to say, but why, particularly when discussing emotions, needs, desires and other potentially flammable topics. Failure to do so is one of those communications glitches I mentioned above. For instance:
Mary: It really hurts my feelings when you track mud in all over the floor after I’ve just cleaned it.
John: Really? Why?
Mary: It just does, okay? Can you just not do it anymore?
Mary was off to a pretty good start, but John’s question was valid, and Mary has just shut down communication altogether with her answer. She has essentially told John that either she doesn’t know why, or simply doesn’t want to tell him, which has the potential to make him feel less valued within the exchange, and hence within the relationship. How on earth is he supposed to respond? Also, she’s made a demand in response to his question, rather than giving it the answer it deserves. The likely reason is that she’s expressing her feeling because the feeling is immediate and she hasn’t done the internal work to figure out why this particular action is hurtful to her. But she should, because they both have a right to know. If Mary knew the reason and was willing to share it, the exchange might look a little more like this:
Mary: It really hurts my feelings when you track mud all over the floor after I’ve just cleaned it.
John: Really? Why?
Mary: Because I feel like you’re disregarding me when you do that. I work hard to keep the house nice, not because I enjoy doing it, but because I love you and I know how you like a clean house. So when I’ve worked hard at something and you come along behind me and undo it, it feels like the work I’ve done doesn’t matter, and that sometimes makes me feel like I don’t matter.
John: Wow, I had no idea. I mean, it’s the floor, it’s supposed to be walked on! But I can see where you’re coming from. When I get home, you can help me take off my boots as part of our greeting ritual so they’re left by the door, and not getting the floor all dirty. Would that help?
By knowing and sharing with John the reason for her feelings, she has given him an opportunity to respond, and has opened up the possibility for him to genuinely understand what she’s expressing. Rather than feeling criticized and confused, he feels good, because he is now aware of the core of the problem, which gives him the opportunity to attempt a resolution. Of course, John may respond differently, but at least Mary has laid the groundwork. Also, in this example, it’s important to note that Mary has shown John respect, unlike her former response, which was demanding and disrespectful. I can say that in my house, that sort of thing would result in me being chastised at the least, and possibly even caned! This response of Mary’s is not only better for communication’s sake, but is much less likely to result in a negative consequence in the form of potential punishment.
This thoroughness is one of the two most overlooked parts of communication. It is not enough to simply say, “This is how I feel and what I expect you to do about it.” That is not communicating, it is demanding. Understanding why you feel what you feel is absolutely essential to effective communication, because you can’t share with your partner what you haven’t even figured out.
The other overlooked part of communication is… you guessed it! Listening. First, let’s discuss what listening is not. It is not waiting impatiently for your partner to finish talking so that you can say what you want to say. It is not planning and polishing your response in your head while your partner is talking. It is not staring blankly, thinking about work, the kids, the bills, or anything else while your partner is talking. Listening, done right, is as active as talking, only quieter.
When you’re listening, you’re invested. You’re paying attention to what your partner is saying, as well as what isn’t being said. Other communication tools like tone of voice, facial expression and body language are all important… only a fraction of the content in a conversation is verbal, and if you’re not paying attention, you could miss something vital. When you’re listening, you’re present in the moment with your partner. Active listening tells your partner that you think he is important, and that you respect him and what he has to say. When you’re listening, you are not making judgments about what he is saying, you’re simply taking it all in and accepting it for what it is… his thoughts and feelings on a particular subject. You need to understand that you’ll have a chance to respond when it’s your turn, and you need to be willing to participate in the entire process, including listening, not simply waiting for your turn to talk.
This part, the listening, is the part Master and I struggle with most. The best way we’ve found to counteract this is to go for a drive when we want to have a “heavy” talk. Driving relaxes him, and gives him something to do with his energy while he is listening, which seems to make it easier for him to listen. At the same time, driving is so second-nature to him that it’s rarely distracting. Even though he’s staring at the road, I feel like I have his undivided attention. I think part of the reason I respond so positively to talking in the car is that he does, and I simply respond to him. It’s not for everyone, but it definitely works for us.
If you think that your relationship could use some communication help, you’re probably right, because most relationships fall into that category. Even the best communicators sometimes get frustrated and make mistakes like interrupting, shouting, or judging. If you think you really need a lot of help, don’t be afraid to seek professional assistance. A few sessions with a therapist could help you and your partner clear the air or learn to use communication skills in a new way which could be very helpful. You could also try researching the issue by checking out your local bookstore, and online resources. But if you just need a few tips to try, here’s a list of things that have worked for me:
• Try a talking stick, if you and your partner find that you have trouble because you interrupt one another a lot. (If you’re not familiar with a talking stick, here’s how it works: you and your master take turns holding a particular item (which doesn’t have to be a stick), and only the person holding it may speak, while the other listens without interrupting.)
• Try debate rules, where one person gets a set amount of time to talk, and take turns.
• Ask a good friend to sit in as a mediator, but make sure it’s someone you trust completely, so that you won’t censor yourself.
• Take notes while the ot
her person is talking so that you’ll remember what you want to respond to without spending all their talking time waiting for your turn. The added benefit of this is that you can read your notes later when perhaps your emotions aren’t so heightened, and you might find some good in that. (Be sure to ask your partner in advance, because he might feel that note-taking will interfere with you listening and paying attention. If this is a concern, ask if you can try it just once; if you are both unsatisfied with it, then you don’t have to do it again. Most partners are willing to try something this simple at least once, and you might just be surprised.)
• Try saying the one huge thing that is on your mind and then leaving the room for a drink or a bathroom break, to give the other person time to process it before returning to continue the talk.
• Ask your partner for feedback, let him know that you really do want to know what he thinks.
• Don’t invalidate your partner’s feelings no matter how much you disagree with them, because everyone has the right to feel anything at all, even if you think it’s irrational.
• Likewise, don’t be afraid to express feelings even if they are irrational, because you can always come back later and say, “Remember when I said…? Yeah, I was crazy when I said that. Sorry.” That’s actually a rule in our family, and we’ve all used it at one time or another.
• Perhaps most importantly, always strive to make sure that talking to you feels safe for your partner. If your partner is constantly worried that you will judge or be angry, it may be hard for him to approach you openly and honestly.
• I think it goes without saying to always be honest - otherwise, you’ve missed the point entirely.
There is one other common mistake that I see often, mostly made by submissive women. It’s the tendency to assign meaning to a statement which the speaker didn’t intend. Example:
Mary: Do these jeans make me look fat?
John: Well, to be honest, they’re not very flattering. I liked the other ones better.
Mary: I knew it! You think I’m fat!
This isn’t a positive exchange, is it? And yet, most of us have had it at one time or another. Mary has chosen to see her own insecurity in John’s words, when John didn’t intend that meaning at all. Then, to make matters worse, Mary has actually told John what he thinks/feels! That’s a big error, and something that many of us do all the time without even realizing it. It’s not our job to assume what our partners are thinking or feeling… that’s what communication is for, so that they can tell us! This whole thing would go a little differently if John were a little more informative about the reason for his opinion so that Mary didn’t feel compelled to “fill in the blanks” instead of asking for more information (which would be the better way to go in the above example).
Mary: Do these jeans make me look fat?
John: Well, to be honest, they’re not very flattering. I liked the other ones better.
Mary: What do you mean?
John: I don’t know, these just aren’t cut right or something. The other ones made your ass look fantastic, and these have the pockets in a weird place, which is just not working. Also, I don’t really like the big rhinestone butterflies on the butt. Little rhinestones are okay, but these are a bit much.
See? Rather than jumping to conclusions, Mary kept the lines of communication open so that John felt safe expressing his honest opinion to her, and it turns out that he doesn’t think she’s fat, he just doesn’t like those jeans she’s trying on! (Incidentally, if this exchange sounds “real”… that’s because it was!)
Speaking of insecurity about appearance, something that is important for submissive women to keep in mind is that our partners have chosen us (or will, if you’re currently single) for their own reasons, whatever we look like. If we trust our partners, we have no reason to doubt that they find us attractive, whether or not we agree. If someone else sees you as attractive, you’d be surprised how contagious that opinion can be if you simply open yourself to the possibility that maybe he’s right! When you make the mistake of assuming that your partner sees you the way you see yourself, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Learn to accept compliments gracefully even if you don’t agree with them, and learn never to assign negative meaning where none was intended. These simple things have the potential to save you a lot of trouble.
Once you’ve opened up the lines of communication, don’t make the mistake of assuming that all the work is done. It’s only just begun. It’s one of the first things to go when life stress starts piling up, so this is the one thing you’ll need to work on together most. If you keep the communication part of your relationship strong, everything else will be that much easier to tackle, because you’ll be working as a team, rather than as opposition to one another. Communication is an ongoing process that is never complete, but its rewards really do make it all worthwhile.
TEN
Tomorrow
We need to be careful, upon achieving happiness, not to lose the virtues which have produced it. - Harry Harrison
DURING A RECENT CONVERSATION WITH A FRIEND, SHE expressed a high level of frustration about the circumstances of life which she feels get in the way of her submission. She craves a working D/S dynamic with her husband, and is his collared slave, but they both have demanding careers, with each of them often working fifty or more hours in a week.
Master and I have been through similar issues ourselves, as has every couple/group we’ve ever gotten to know. One time, when we were discussing this very thing, he said to me, “Real life sometimes gets in the way.” In that moment I had a realization: This is my real life! Our relationship is as real and important as anything else in our lives, and shouldn’t be set aside because something “more important” has come up. It made me realize just how easy it is to let other things get in the way. Many of us say that our relationships with our significant other(s) are the most important relationships (outside of parent/child relationships) we have. We acknowledge how much of a responsibility we have to these relationships, how important it is to keep them healthy and growing. Yet, when it’s time to put our focus where our mouths are, so to speak, our relationships get pushed back, and back, and back. The thought seems to be that our partners will always be there, that those missed opportunities aren’t anything to worry about. “Tomorrow,” we say. Eventually, however, we run out of tomorrows; people get fed up and walk away. Even the most patient lover will grow weary of waiting for tomorrows that don’t come. The most dedicated partner will become tired of not being important enough to be made a priority, tired of being taken so much for granted that it’s assumed they will stay forever, waiting. But people don’t, won’t, and can’t… not indefinitely.
This “tomorrowing,” as I call it, happens in all relationships, and we’ve all seen it, or experienced it ourselves. In D/S relationships, however, it has a tendency to be even more damaging. Without consistency and attention to D/S, this part of us starves, and many relationships flounder under the weight of neglected D/S dynamics. All relationships are work, but if it’s worth having, it’s worth working for, right? Without taking time for those things which set us apart as kinky people, we allow ourselves to fall into complacency. There is perhaps no death of a relationship so needless as this; it is completely avoidable.
No matter how much we try, sometimes our best intentions are just paving stones on the road to destruction, stepped over and forgotten. The point is to make sure that the sometimes of allowing disruptions is as infrequent as possible. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that while kinky relationships are different from vanilla relationships in key ways, at the core they are still relationships, and should be treated as such. Your life may demand that you set aside special times to do those things which aren’t considered acceptable in vanilla society, and if that’s the case, do so, instead of railing against the circumstances. Light a candle, rather than cursing the darkness.
Do you love him? Tell him, often. Want her to kneel at
your feet and lick your boots? Command her to do so. Want to strengthen your love relationship? Get inside your partners head and get comfortable there. Sick of waiting? Demand more, and stop feeling guilty about it. Tired of the most important part of your life being constantly pushed to the back of the line? Drag it up front and don’t let go until it’s been seen to. Stay on top of things. Don’t sigh and sit back and brood and be angry and cast blame and cry about all the wrong things--get in there, roll up your sleeves, and start making things better. Insist that your partner give you the very best of the love you share, and determine to never give less than yours in return.
And do it every single day.
ELEVEN
Dousing the Flames
When anger rises, think of the consequences. - Confucius
EVERYONE GETS ANGRY. WHAT HAPPENS, THOUGH, WHEN a submissive gets angry at her master? Does she swallow it back, fearing to express it because she feels that it conflicts with her submission, or that he will then see her as bad? Is there any way for her to express her feelings without this complication? What about when the Master becomes angry at his submissive? Should he react in anger, or wait until he’s cooled down? What happens in a D/S relationship when anger takes over, and is it any different from what happens in a vanilla relationship?
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