Now, Super-subbie Syndrome Type B is characterized by the submissive who is just astonishingly full of herself. She believes that she is flawless, that she has achieved the very heights of submission, and that no one can possibly measure up to her. She is often arrogant, patronizing, and condescending. She may even behave so well that she appears to be faultless, at least in public, thereby giving credence to her (usually unspoken) ideas of her own perfection. While she will never claim out loud to be perfect, she will act as though she is, and this will often cause other submissives around her to shun her company, even if she attempts to be friendly. It must be said that this extreme condition is exceedingly rare. Happily, it is not contagious.
The root cause of both types of this syndrome is insecurity. With Type A, the submissive is insecure in her abilities to be pleasing, and so over-compensates in her honest attempts to be absolutely flawless. In Type B, however, the submissive is so insecure with herself that she cannot adequately deal with the feeling, and so must prove to herself that it doesn’t exist. She does this by convincing herself that she is perfect and therefore simply cannot be insecure, because there is nothing to be insecure about. For those submissives who know someone who suffers from Type B, it is important to note that you should not measure your own submission against hers, because this is an unhealthy and unrealistic yardstick.
If you (or your submissive, if you’re a master) suffer from super-subbie syndrome, there is help. The first thing to do is to realize that perfection is unattainable. This is the hardest part for most sufferers, but absolutely essential to treatment. It is important to realize that the goal of submission is not perfection. The goal of submission is submission. It is both the means, and the end. The idea of it is to experience and share that part of yourself, and you can’t do that if you’re running yourself ragged with everything else in life, or convinced that you already are perfect and therefore can go no higher.
I know all of this has been a bit tongue-in-cheek, but the points are no less valid for it. Make time for your submission. Make time for your master to experience your submission, and for you in turn to experience his dominance. Don’t be so obsessed with being perfect that you miss out on the most important parts, such as being together, being yourself… and being happy.
TWENTY-ONE
Pride, Fear and Taboos
The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. - Rod Steiger
PRIDE, FALSE PRIDE, DIGNITY, SHAME, HUMILITY…THESE may be closely intertwined in our minds, but they each mean very different things, perhaps especially for a submissive. For example, though often people say “My pride was hurt,” they mean that they are ashamed or embarrassed. Clearing up the semantics will make it a little easier to say what we mean when we use these words, and also help us to understand just what they might mean to a submissive woman.
Pride in something ties into honor… accomplishing a hard task is honorable, because you work at it and achieve it, and then you are proud of having done so. You can be proud of a trait that you possess, such as a talent for dancing or singing. You can be proud of someone you love, or of yourself, for a myriad of reasons.
False pride is more closely related to shame and embarrassment than to true pride. False pride is like saying, “I’m too proud to take charity.” There’s no real pride present in that statement. What’s under the surface is that the speaker would be ashamed to take charity, and he doesn’t want to see himself (or have others see him) as someone bearing the social stigma attached. Taking charity would be humbling to him, and he sees that as damaging his image as he portrays it to others, as well as his self-image. Ultimately, false pride is really about fear.
Dignity is the state of being esteemed, or seen as worthy. It is this that we touch upon when we engage in humiliation play… we suspend our sense of dignity in order to play with feelings we enjoy during this type of play. For instance, a woman who likes to be called names during sex or scenes might enjoy playing with the belief that she really is just a whore (or slut, or what have you) during that encounter.. However, if done right, the aftercare reasserts our sense of dignity for us. Our dignity is affected when we are embarrassed or humiliated because it affects how we see ourselves, and how we perceive the opinions that others have of us. Because of this, many people prefer not to engage in humiliation play, aftercare or no aftercare. As you can see, dignity is closely related to false pride, because false pride is simply the fear of having our dignity damaged in some way.
So, how does all of this relate to D/S?
There seems to be a misconception that to submit is to be weak, and that submissives are therefore weak-natured, because certainly no strong person would submit to the will of another. This is simply untrue, of course. You and I both know it takes an enormous amount of inner strength to trust enough to really submit. Inner strength is an admirable quality… something to be proud of, right? So why don’t more submissives seem proud to be submissive? Being submissive can be damn hard work, and if it’s okay to be proud of other things we accomplish through hard work, why should submission be any different?
Ah ha! Here we have it… because submissives should be humble and modest! That does seem to be the prevailing wisdom, doesn’t it? I think we’ve all seen it (if only online or in books). I absolutely agree that those are admirable qualities, and everyone should possess them, but not to the detriment of other personality traits.
Master and I had a long conversation about this once, because pride can sometimes run to conceit if left unchecked, and we discussed why pride is acceptable (even expected) for submissives. Master said to me that he wants me to be proud of myself, just as he is, because I belong to him and as his property, I am worthy of pride. He doesn’t have things he isn’t proud of. Since I’m his and he’s proud of me, there must be cause to be. As far as he is concerned, that’s enough cause for me to be proud. What can I do but agree? It is a huge source of pride to belong to him, to know that he views me as worthwhile and desirable, and everyone who sees us together knows he thinks that as well. I never have to worry about my pride getting away from me, because Master keeps me well in my place. It is entirely possible to be humble and proud at the same time, even though it might seem contradictory at first. A humble person can experience pride without losing that humility; the two are not mutually exclusive.
Looking at the word “proud” another way, I once heard a submissive say, “I’m too proud to do that!” speaking of a particular sex act that she found to be debasing. I was confused because, at first, I thought she meant it literally… as in, she was incredibly proud to be given the opportunity to do it! She hastily corrected me, and I asked her why she wouldn’t perform this particular act. She said it was because she wouldn’t “lower herself” to that level. I was flummoxed! How is pleasing your master and performing an act he enjoys lowering in any way?
She meant she felt she was superior to the act, that the act carries a taboo (which she doesn’t want to attach to herself), and she would be shamed and disgusted and embarrassed if she did it. Well, that’s entirely different then, isn’t it? She’s simply afraid of the possibility of a negative emotional experience, of damaging the way that she sees herself, or the way that her master sees her. When it comes right down to it, she isn’t too proud, she’s too scared, which is perfectly understandable. I wondered, but didn’t voice it aloud to her, that if her master asked her to perform this act, would she be this judgmental in her refusal to him? If so, it could potentially give him the very same negative emotional experience she herself is trying to avoid. After all, if he’s bold enough to ask for something out of the ordinary, it stands to reason that if she reacts this way, he may assume she sees him as disgusting and shameful for wanting this particular thing. It is important to remember that “Doms is people too,” to quote a long-ago acquaintance. If she herself is afraid of doing something because of the possibility of it negatively impacting the way she sees herself (or the way he sees her), she
runs the risk of hurting him in the precise way she is trying to avoid being hurt, if she isn’t careful in her response.
One big point though, for a lot of submissives, is that we have a hard time setting those fears aside. When dealing with “taboos,” we often feel our false pride protects us - it prevents us from engaging in these things, which protects our self-image as well as the image that we portray to the world. When we feel that something protects us in some way, it’s very difficult to let that go, even for a little while. There is always some risk associated with setting aside false pride and doing something we said we wouldn’t, even if our masters ask it of us. We fear that if we do this thing, whatever it may be, we will be seen as “the kind of person who does things like that,” instead of how we wish to be seen.
To look at all of this another way: Imagine, if you will, that we live in a world where chocolate ice cream is considered to be depraved. I mean, no one would ever think of eating chocolate ice cream, unless of course you did it where no one could see you, or at the chocolate ice cream clubs, which are (of necessity) underground. Now imagine that you simply adore chocolate ice cream, and desire nothing more than to share it with the one you love. You finally work up the courage to approach him about it, and after you ask him, he looks at you as if you just asked him to eat cockroaches. Live ones, still all creepy-crawly How would you feel? Would you be willing to broach other taboo subjects with him in the future? Or would you like him to consider, for a moment, that perhaps the issue is the perception of chocolate ice cream, and not with you for loving it? Regardless of what you or your master craves, remember that it takes courage to ask for something you need or want.
It takes a huge amount of trust to let go of false pride and simply submit. We have to trust that if we do this thing, whatever it is, we will retain dignity in our own eyes, and in the eyes of our masters. We have to trust that we will still be clean, and good, and precious to him, because if we lose standing in his eyes, we lose standing in our own. Without such trust, it’s nearly impossible to set all that aside long enough to accomplish things that carry this level of fear.
I once thought there was something sexual that I would never do, and Master helped me see the error of my ways. That’s a source of pride for me, because I was able to put my own fears aside in order to serve him as he wished to be served. Instead of being “the kind of person who does things like that,” I am the kind of person who pleases my master. There is honor in simply taking the time and doing the work to “know thyself” and then being the best self you can. My best self doesn’t need to be ashamed or have false pride. I’m a submissive; it is an honorable thing if I strive to do it well. If doing it well means doing something difficult, messy, scary, painful, or humiliating, but I can find the positives in it, simply because it is part of me and I’m being my true self… then I have found true honor and pride. I have no need for pale substitutes like false pride and shame. Even in the most debasing position, or circumstance, I will still have the pride of knowing I am being the best I can for him. Of course, it is absolutely essential that Master, afterwards, always reassures me of how highly he thinks of me, and how brave I am to be willing to serve even when I have doubts or fears. In the end, that makes it all worthwhile for me.
TWENTY-TWO
Topping from the Bottom… Or Is It?
Dignity comes not from control, but from understanding who you are and taking your rightful place […] - Real Live Preacher
WE’VE ALL HEARD THE PHRASE, WHETHER OUT LOUD AND accusing, or whispered snidely behind hands at play parties. If not out loud, most of us have at least read it in a book or on a website. We all know what it means, don’t we? It means that some jumped-up little submissive is trying to take the reins out of her dominant’s hands, to seize his control, to humiliate him, and all for her own nefarious purposes!
Right?
Well, maybe not. Remember that in Chapter X, I mentioned the differences between topping from below, and unexpressed “conquer me” feelings. This seems like a good time to explain a little more about the reasons why “topping from below” isn’t a sure sign of a bad submissive, or worse, someone who isn’t submissive at all, but merely playing at being one. I think you’ll find that this whole bottom-topping thing isn’t as black and white as it seems.
In any relationship, there is a balance of power, and this balance often shifts, depending on the task at hand, the people involved, and a myriad other circumstances. This is no less true of D/S relationships. The essential idea is that someone has to be in charge (or ready to take charge) at all times. While it might seem obvious that in a D/S relationship this take-charge person would always be the dominant, that is just not always the case. What if a dominant happens to be one of those people who faints at the sight of blood? In the event of an emergency, it may well be his submissive who takes control of the situation. After all, someone must.
A submissive can be loosely defined as a person who yearns to serve and to experience control. Obviously, this longed-for control is of the external variety… the submissive wishes for a dominant to exert control over her. Often, her service is a method of achieving this, because through service, she can enhance his natural dominant feelings as well as her own submissive ones.
So think about the example I gave a moment ago about an emergency involving blood. The dominant faints, and the submissive takes over the situation. She directs people to give the injured person space, calls for clean towels, applies pressure to the wound, has her unconscious dominant moved out of the way, orders someone to call an ambulance, and gently talks the victim through the experience until help arrives. How do you think he’s likely to feel upon waking up? Proud of her for being so useful in the situation? Embarrassed that he fainted? Upset with her for taking charge? How is she likely to feel? Shaken up? Proud of herself? Happy that she could serve by helping? Embarrassed that her dominant fainted? Perhaps even upset with him for abandoning her and thereby forcing her to handle the whole thing on her own? Do you think it’s more likely that she’s going to power-trip from the experience? Or is it more likely she will long to find her rightful place with her dominant, to reassert her submissive nature? How would you feel? Do you think this is an example of topping from the bottom?
In the above example, I specifically use an emergency to illustrate my point, and I think that most of us will agree that in an event like this, anyone with the knowledge to take over should do so, because lives are at stake. While emergencies like this are (thankfully) rare, there are other ways that these same questions crop up in our day-to-day lives.
There are often times when the submissive feels the dominant is not exerting the control she thinks he should, or that he has agreed to, and so she seeks to alleviate this absence by exerting her own control. While it can be deliberate, this is often not a conscious decision or effort on her part. Rather, it is simply nature. Most of us have probably heard that old saying, “Nature abhors a vacuum,” and this is certainly true within submissives. If the dominant is not taking control, the submissive often will, simply because it is a natural response. Think about it… if a dominant drops something, the submissive who longs to serve will often pick it up for him. So if a dominant drops the ball of power, the submissive not only has a natural human response to fill the void, she also has the submissive response of serving him by doing it for him. Together, these two unconscious responses are surprisingly powerful, in part because the submissive often doesn’t realizing she’s doing it at all! Even when she does realize she’s doing it, she very often would rather not, but feels as if there is no choice.
One of the pitfalls of this phenomenon is that it can be habit-forming. If a submissive is regularly taking charge of things in the absence of her dominant’s control, it becomes harder for her, over time, to relinquish control. She begins to lose faith in his ability to be in command, and this will begin to erode her trust in him. She doesn’t desire to be in control; she simply knows, instinctively, that on
e of them has to be - and if he won’t, then she must. Then, when the dominant does attempt to dominate her, she may not be able to find the appropriate submissive response within herself - leading her to feel frustrated, discouraged, and frightened. She may begin to question her own submissive nature, fearful that she has somehow lost it, or lost touch with it. It is not unheard of for a submissive in this position to fall into a depression, very often because her sense of self-worth is bound up with her submissive feelings; if she cannot fully access and enjoy those, her entire self-image may begin to suffer. She may become recalcitrant due to having lost touch with her submissive nature, but this in no way means that she is no longer submissive… merely that she is having trouble accessing and expressing it appropriately. All of these unexpressed feelings, if they are left unchecked too long, may result in her being snappish, short-tempered, or petulant.
Meanwhile, the dominant often feels “neutered.” He may feel that when he does take control, it’s a losing battle to get her to obey, or to submit. Also, he often doesn’t understand quite how the whole thing got so out of hand, or what caused the breakdown of the D/S in the relationship. He may feel frustrated and helpless, and not know how to get things back to how they used to be. He is also at risk of depression, because it is likely that his self-worth is tied to his dominance, just as hers is to her submission. He may question his abilities as a dominant and his rightful place in her life. He may become irritable with her if resentment or bitterness develop as a result of these feelings, and this irritability is quite likely to further erode the condition of the relationship. Also, he may give up attempts to dominate altogether, because he fears it will lead to negative encounters with her. This will almost certainly worsen his emotional state.
Conquer Me: girl-to-girl wisdom about fulfilling your submissive desires Page 11