by Eden Beck
I am devastated. My heart is completely broken. I knew better, and yet, here I am; taken in by one of them once again.
I grab my bag as soon as I’m half-decent and head for the door, fully ready to sleep on the streets rather than spend another moment with a traitor … but Blair isn’t having any of it.
He throws himself in front of me, barring my path.
“Where are you going?” he demands.
“I’m leaving. I’m not staying with someone who’s going to love me in private and hate me in public. I’m worth more than that,” I tell him, and I mean it. I jut my chin out, but I know it’s not as fierce as I’d like it to be—what with all the tears streaked across my face.
Blair doesn’t budge. “No! Listen, Teddy, see reason here.”
“I think it’s a bit late for that,” I say.
He just goes on. “You can’t go out on the streets here at night, not like that. I know you hate me. I see that now … and I see now that I was wrong to bring you here in the first place.”
His words deflate me. The words sting worse than his betrayal. The one thing I can’t hear right now is that he regrets this weekend.
He sees the fight leaving me, and he pounces. “Stay here, just for the night. This city … it isn’t safe. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you.”
I sigh and the weight of the world is once again on my shoulders. I know he’s right. I know full well that I shouldn’t be out alone in Manhattan at night with nowhere to go. I should be smart about it.
“Fine. I’ll stay, but I’m sleeping in the guest room, and I don’t want to see you.” I turn and stomp to the guest bedroom, slamming the door behind me only for him to follow me in.
“Can’t you see how I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place?” he says. “This isn’t easy for me either.”
I drop my bag and go to him, facing him fiercely. “If you don’t walk straight back out that door, I’m going to purposefully go find the dirtiest, darkest alleyway and I’m going to sleep there just to spite you.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“Don’t try me.”
He reexamines me and clamps his mouth shut. I push him backward and close the door again, locking it so that he can’t get in this time.
The door groans beneath the weight of him leaning on it from the other side. He’s silent for a long time until, finally, he just says, “I’m sorry Bunny, I’m really so very sorry.”
“Go away, Blair,” is my response. I sit on the bed and turn the volume up on the TV to drown him out. I don’t know how long he stays on the other side of the door. He could be there for minutes, he could be there all night.
I wouldn’t know. I don’t give myself the chance to find out.
I’m done with Blair Rashnikov.
If only that were true.
Chapter 4
Blair is waiting for me in the morning.
He stands up and faces me as soon as I walk into the living room. He’s got a duffle bag beside him on the sofa.
“Good morning,” he begins, clearly uncertain of how he should be addressing me after my reaction last night. “I got you this duffle bag for your stuff. I guess you probably don’t want to walk into school with all your things in a garbage bag.”
I narrow my eyes at him. I barely slept all night, and it’s left me more than a little touchy. As if I wasn’t touchy already once Blair told me he’s going to go back to ignoring me like the coward he is.
“Why, because anyone who actually stops to look at me might think I’m an orphan?”
He exhales slowly and looks down in shame. “Look, I just … I thought it might be nicer for you. Take it or leave it.”
I walk past him into the kitchen and make myself a cup of coffee. He follows me at a distance, trying to ease the tension between us by asking me if I slept well. I can’t imagine why he cares. After we get to school he’s going to be pretending like he hates me, or worse, that I don’t even exist.
“No.” I say simply, and drink the coffee.
He turns away from me and reaches for his own bag and his keys. “We should get going.”
I take my time walking past him to snatch up the bag. At the very least, maybe he’ll feel guilty seeing me with it around campus. It can serve as a reminder of everything that went on between us this weekend. Everything that is now, decidedly, over.
It’s a long, quiet ride to the school. If there was any other way to actually get there, any at all, I would have taken it just so I don’t have to wrap my arms around his waist the whole way up. As much as I love the way it feels to hold him, I tell myself that it’s probably never going to happen again. I can’t be with a boy who only wants me when no one else is looking. It’s going to have to be all or none with me. He can take it or leave it, and from everything he told me last night, it’s clear he’s going to leave it.
That’s not the only thing he leaves. When we reach the town nearest to the school, he pulls the bike over at a gas station. We get off and he looks at me with no small amount of shame.
“I think it’s probably best if I let you off here,” he says with a quiet voice, staring at the ground. “I put a hundred bucks in the pocket of the duffle bag. You can use it to get a cab to the school. I just think … it would be easier if no one saw you getting off the bike.”
“Are you serious?” Just when I thought he couldn’t be any colder. I pull the helmet off and shove it at his midsection. “I can’t believe you’re so ashamed to be seen with me that you’re dumping me off three miles from the school.”
“Look, I’m sorry. I just … I don’t really have a choice. I wish you could understand.” He lifts his sullen green eyes to meet mine.
“Oh, I understand. I’m good enough to use in your bed for a weekend, but not good enough to be seen with in public.” I am as cold as ice to him, and it’s killing me. I want so much for things to be as incredible as they were just days ago.
He furrows his brow at me. “Hey, you’re not one to be talking about using people. This is nothing compared to what you did.”
I shake my head at him. “All this time … and you’re still so thickheaded. Don’t do that. Don’t you dare do that to me. You know what? If this is how you want it, then fine. This is how it will be.”
I pick up the duffle bag and walk away from him, going to the payphone nearby. He watches me for a minute, and then crams his helmet onto his head and roars off on his bike, leaving me like he found me: stranded.
The cab shows up and takes me to the school, and the whole way there, it’s all I can do not to cry. I used to think I wasn’t much of a crier, but now he’s gotten me started I’m struggling to stop. I have to be strong. He’s already told me what a long year it’s going to be. I am a tough, strong girl, and I’ve dealt with a lot of crap in my life. This is just going to be another difficult thing to deal with, but I can do it.
I pay the driver and get out in front of Hawthorne Academy. One glance up at it and the surrounding buildings reminds me of Astor, the current reigning Hawthorne at the school his family founded. He’s the big man on campus. No matter how high someone else might climb, they’ll never top him. Not while his name is emblazoned upon every one of our breast pockets.
As much as he can be a total, complete ass … I wish that I was coming back under different terms. He and the others; they grew so close to me last year before it all fell apart. They were my protectors, my friends, my introductions to romance. They were everything to me, and then when the truth came out, every one of them turned away from me.
Coming back to face them here, especially after Blair gave me an up-close-and-personal reminder of what it’s like to be with them, is going to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I have to do it. My future is going to be what I make it, and I have the opportunity to do my best in my classes and find a college that can launch me into the kind of life I want to have; successful and productive. And very far away from here, and all my misery.
/> I have to do it because I can’t let all these rich kids get the better of me.
Yes, I lied and tricked everyone to get in here, but I was found out and now I’m here as myself. This is Teddy’s opportunity, my opportunity to start over.
And besides, it’s the only place I have to lay my head. When the choice is between Hawthorne Academy and homeless, it’s not really a choice at all.
I’m coming here as a legitimate student this time, using my own real name. No more lies. No more false identity. No more secrets to hide. It’s just me, here at the school, doing all that I can to make it work. If I turn my attention to my studies and to college, maybe I can get through a year of being ignored by those I care most about.
One year, I remind myself. And then it’ll all be over, forever.
I think I can do it if I have at least one friend by my side. Dana might still be that friend. I’d assumed she was trying to distance herself from me, the black mark back here at the school, when I didn’t hear from her all summer. But if Blair told the truth … he might have not been the only one to call. There’s only one way to find out.
Cast out and abandoned, I’m still feeling the venom Ms. Martin used to poison my life.
I go in through the huge gates and take a deep breath as I walk into the school. It smells the same. It looks the same. I’m so glad to be back, and so terrified all at the same time.
I say nothing as I walk through the main hall and up the grand staircase, past people who glance at me and then turn away. It’s strangely comforting in a way I didn’t expect. They might be acting the same way they did last semester, but at least they aren’t pretending to be anything other than they are.
There are some dirty looks shot at me, but I don’t return them. I don’t want to sink to their level. I hold no disregard for them. I’d be friends with them if they would accept me. Instead of reacting, I just keep walking by, keeping a solid poker face on as I climb to the third floor.
I stop at the same door as last year in the girl’s dorms. Dana promised we’d be here, together, again last year … but there’s no telling if that’s changed. I inhale deeply and hold my breath as I turn the knob and walk in.
The first thing I spot are her things on the desk right in front of me. I expected that. She’s always early.
It isn’t until I step into the room that I spot her standing around the corner at my desk.
Half of me expects her to turn around in shocked, embarrassed surprise—ready to tell me I’ve been shoved off into some stranger’s room, or worse, entirely by myself. But when she turns all the way round, I see why she’s standing there in the first place.
She pauses in the middle of rearranging a bright bouquet of flowers with a big card pinned to the top. It’s addressed to me. Teddy.
With a squeal of joy, she throws herself into my arms.
She hugs me tight and doesn’t let go until fresh tears sting at the back of my eyes. I’m so relieved that she’s still on my side, and that she still wants to be my friend.
“I missed you too.”
She scowls darkly. “I tried to call you so many times this summer, but that rotten woman always told me that you weren’t home. Then she told me that you weren’t living there anymore, and she didn’t know where you were. I’ve been so worried!”
She follows me as I drop my bag on the bed, and then wraps me up in a second, proper hug. I never used to be so open to this kind of affection, but right now, it’s just what I need.
She’s still babbling on. “I had no way to contact you, and I wasn’t even sure if you were going to come back.”
“I wasn’t so sure myself, for a minute there,” I say. I’m not sure how much to tell her about Blair. It’s like … as long as it stays a secret inside me, it can’t come back to hurt me. “But it’s good to be back. It’s good to see you.”
And despite everything, I mean it.
Chapter 5
I was quick to forgive Dana for her betrayal last year. She’d never meant any of it, and to be quite honest, she wouldn’t have been driven into Victoria’s arms if I’d been paying her more attention in the first place. She was putty in the queen bitch’s hands, something I’m still all too familiar with.
Now that we’re back at school, Dana and I click right away … and I’m surprised by how much we have to catch up on. I felt like most of my summer was just lots of the same, but a hundred little stories start coming to mind as soon as she offers up a listening ear. I might not be ready to tell her about Blair, but Rob comes readily to mind as a target for my anger. She listens in wide-eyed rapture as I describe our last chilling interaction on the way to pick up our books for this semester.
Today is all orientation for new students, and meetings with advisors and teachers if we want them. I was at Sadie’s funeral on this day last year. Our classes start tomorrow. Dana and I have some time to visit and talk in private, and I’m so glad for it.
With her beside me, it’s a lot easier to ignore being ignored by everyone else.
I’d forgotten how the lake turned silver in the mornings, and how it always seems to be carrying a breeze with it even when the rest of the world stood in still, muggy summer air. I have to settle for sitting beside my open window, looking out at the lake from a distance back up in our dorm room. There’s too many people down by the water, and though I can’t make out exactly who they are from a distance, I can’t be too careful.
I don’t want anyone else ruining these moments any sooner than they inevitably have to.
“I can’t believe I missed all those calls,” I tell her again, my eyes trained on the far shore of the lake. I can’t see it from here. It’s all silver water melting into sky. It really is so large, it could be an ocean. “I thought you’d changed your mind and decided to hate me too.”
She rolls her eyes. “Not going to happen, so try all you like … you’re stuck with me now.”
“Guess I am,” I say, grinning back.
Before I have the sense to change the subject, she’s started up again.
“What happened after your birthday? When your foster mother—who’s a serious witch by the way—said you weren’t living there anymore, I didn’t know what to think.”
I slump down on my bed and look across the room at her on her bed. I’ve absentmindedly started picking at the edges of a decorative pillow.
She must see the truth on my face, because she suddenly scoots forward to sit on the edge of her bed. “What is it? What happened?”
Emotion chokes the back of my throat. “That’s such a long story,” I say.
She moves to sit beside be on my bed. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I cover my face with my hands. I’m about to tell her I can’t, that it’s all too fresh. I even consider an outright lie, saying I slept at a bus station for the last two nights … but then one look up at my sweet, loyal, friend … and it all comes pouring out of me.
The first part is easy … right up until I’m sitting on the curb outside my old foster home after being kicked out after midnight on my birthday.
“I had nowhere to go. Then …” I close my eyes and swallow hard. This is the hard part. “I found out you weren’t the only one trying to get in touch with me all summer.”
She plays the perfect audience. She’s surprised, curious, eager … and outraged as I tell her the final, ultimate moment of betrayal at the hands of the man I thought was to be my savior.
Dana’s jaw drops. “What a scumbag, really. I might have expected something like that from Astor, but not Blair. I really thought he was different.”
I close my eyes as tears come fast. “I did too.”
She shakes her head, and it’s not the only thing that’s shaking. Her hands are unable to stay still on the edges of the bowl she’s holding, and she has to set it back onto my desk before she scatters popcorn kernels all over the floor.
“This is why I gave up men a long, long time ago.”
I shoot her a look
through my tears. “That’s not the same, and you know it.”
She sighs. “I know, I just … I really … Teddy, what was he thinking?” She eyes me again, harder this time. “I really hope you don’t plan on becoming his booty call or something.”
“Of course not,” I snap back, though just the thought of being close to him again, our bodies intertwined … it’s intoxicating enough to make my body ache in spite of it all.
We can’t stay holed up in our room forever, so eventually, after much coaxing and promises of chocolate, I agree to come down with her to dinner. I’m dreading the inevitable, but dreading it isn’t going to stop it happening.
It just would have been nice if it waited until I was approximately three slices deep into a chocolate mousse cake. As it is, however, we’re just walking into the dining hall when we walk straight into the last group of people that I want to see in the entire school.
Astor and Victoria, Wills, and Blair. All four of them give me a cold, hard glare, and I freeze to the spot where I’m standing. I can’t move. I can’t think. All I can do is stare back at them and hope that they can’t see the pain on my face. Blair doesn’t give a single thing away; he just turns and walks off with them.
Victoria looks over her shoulder at me and calls back, “I see they let the trash back in. Too bad. This school used to have such high standards.”
Dana groans softly and takes me by the arm, steering me into the dining hall. “Let’s see this as an improvement,” she says. “They actually looked at you this time. That’s better than last semester.”
“Is it though?” I ask, miserably. I want to throw my face into my folded-up arms on the table—but Dana just keeps tugging us towards the dessert bar. I’ve never selected ice cream flavors with such a heavy heart.
Dana and I take a seat in a remote corner of the room because the boys, or as Dana always refers to them, the holy trinity, aren’t the only ones giving me death glares. The other students all over the room who know me are also shooting me dark and hateful looks.