And still, he’d been witness to the slow warm-up that had brought them to last night.
Which had then brought him to tonight, when he felt comfortable in his own skin again—and yet was not thrilled with the prospect of exactly what he’d been working his ass off to achieve...
Because what he wanted now wasn’t the same thing he’d wanted such a short time ago.
Because he’d actually found something he hadn’t thought possible for him—a sense of belonging that wasn’t provided by the marines but by Emmy. Emmy and his best friend’s two kids.
In Northbridge of all places.
The jury was still out when it came to the small town itself. Things were going well here now and he had to admit that it was nice. And maybe the past would stay in the past and it could go on being nice to be here.
But one way or another that held very little importance to him.
Because as he watched Emmy, as everything and everyone else receded into the background for him the way it seemed to do for his brothers as they danced with the women they loved, as he homed in on Emmy alone and felt that connection to her, even from nothing more than the sight of her, he realized that anywhere that he was with her he felt that sense of belonging.
Without him fully recognizing it, it had happened in every instance that she was by his side or even just within his view. It was the reason why it had been easier for him to face the town that first night at the town meeting. Why it had been easier to speak with the Camdens at the rehearsal dinner. Why it was easier even now, today, at this wedding.
It didn’t matter whether the whole town accepted or rejected him. It didn’t matter whether the Camdens did. When he was with Emmy, he wasn’t an outsider.
And then there were the other times when what he felt was so much more than just that sense of belonging.
Those times when they were alone together. When working with her had shown him her strength and determination, and made him admire and respect her.
Those times when just talking to her had shown him how smart and funny she was, how levelheaded and kindhearted and fair-minded—those times had made him like her.
There were those times when he saw her with Kit and Trinity. Being a mom to them even though they weren’t hers. Loving them, caring for them, never giving any impression that taking on the enormous task of single parenthood was a burden of any kind—that had impressed him, touched him.
There were those times when she was playful and frisky and full of fun. When she was a flirt and teased and goaded him. Those times when she just turned him on so much she drove him wild.
And watching her now, taking pictures of Kinsey and Sutter as the dance ended and they moved on to cut the cake, there was no disputing that she was beautiful and sexy, or that he wanted her so much it was taking everything he had to keep himself under control.
It was in that instant that it struck him like a bolt of lightning that nothing was as important to him as she was.
He needed to be with her. To make a life with her. To share in the raising of his best friend’s kids with her and to never again be without her by his side.
He set his barely touched beer on the nearest table and eased his way through the guests standing around the cake until he was right behind Emmy.
He fought not to touch her while she snapped those all-important pictures of the cake cutting, of the bride and groom feeding each other the first bites of it, of them moving out of the way so the waitstaff could cut the rest of the cake to serve.
And that was when he put his hand on Emmy’s shoulder, stepped up close and whispered in her ear.
That was when he led her away from the festivities to the farmhouse where he’d grown up.
That was when he hung on tight to the hope that now wasn’t the time she proved him wrong and went from hot to cold again...
Chapter Ten
“I don’t take breaks during a wedding. If something special happens while I’m gone there won’t be pictures of it,” Emmy reminded Declan even though she hadn’t been able to resist his whispered I need you after the cake cutting when he’d whisked her away.
“Everybody’s just eating cake,” he insisted, keeping hold of her hand as he led her through his family’s farmhouse into a bedroom that looked more like a military museum.
Once they got across the bedroom’s threshold he closed the door behind them, spun her around and pulled her into his arms to kiss her with the same hunger and abandon that he had shown many times the previous night.
And while it stirred Emmy the same way it had then and instantly made her want to make frenzied, forbidden love right then and there, she let the kiss go on for only a short time before she pushed out of it.
“We can’t do this!” she said, assuming that frenzied, forbidden lovemaking was on Declan’s mind, too.
But apparently it wasn’t, because he let her go, leaned against the closed door and said, “You think I brought you up here to ravage you in my old room?”
“You didn’t?” she asked, slightly disappointed and wondering what he did bring her up here for if not that.
“It’s a fun idea...” he said with a devilish grin. “But no, I just needed to talk to you.”
“It couldn’t wait for another hour or so?”
“No, it couldn’t,” he said as if whatever was on his mind was too weighty to be put off.
And yet he didn’t say anything more than that. Not right away. He just stood there against the door studying her as if the drive to talk to her was less important than the drive to drink in the sight of her.
She didn’t think that boded well for whatever it was he wanted to say.
Was he going to tell her he was leaving? Because she was aware that that could happen at any time, too. It was part of the reason she’d given in to having that night with him—because she hadn’t wanted to miss what might be her only chance.
For her, it had been the most amazing night she’d ever had. And after the most amazing night of her life it had been a struggle this entire day not to fall into old habits and think that it had been too amazing not to have rocked him the same way it had her. It had been a struggle for her not to fantasize that it was the beginning of something great. Not to let herself read more into it.
But here she was now, flashing back to that last dinner with Bryce when she’d thought he was going to propose and instead had told her she wasn’t good enough for him. She knew Declan wouldn’t be so cruel—he wasn’t that kind of man. But she’d known from the start that he was leaving, so she’d have to put a brave face on if that was his news.
She braced for it but still found herself suddenly turning to take in all the posters and flags on the walls, all the military-themed old toys and mementos, postponing the inevitable.
“So this is where you grew up,” she said, even knowing that she should just get whatever breakup speech he had planned over with so she could put all of this behind her now, too.
He ignored that and instead said, “This morning Conor offered to put in for the referral letter I need to schedule the medical evaluation that could get me back on duty.”
Even though she’d been expecting it, there was a catch in her throat that prevented her from saying anything. She just nodded as if it was no surprise.
“And I should have been thrilled,” he said. “But I wasn’t and I’ve been trying to figure out why ever since.”
She just stared at one of his three marine posters as if it interested her when really she was hanging on his every word.
“It’s funny because I just talked to Liam about the changes in his life,” Declan was saying. “About how he could ever leave the corps. And then all of a sudden I knew how.”
Wait...what? Leave the marine corps—not her?
Emmy slowly turned to look at him. But she still didn’t say anything. She just to
ok in every detail of his hair, his features, his tremendous body all debonair in a formal black suit tailored to accentuate his broad shoulders and narrow waist.
He went on to tell her—to marvel at—the change he’d found himself deciding to make. To tell her about how attached he’d become to Kit and Trinity. About how he wanted to help her raise them. About how he’d figured out that despite what being a marine had meant to him, he was ready to do what Topher had planned to do and either accept a medical discharge or resign.
“I know this is kind of out-there,” he said, “but what if we don’t lease the farm? What if we stay on it, raise the kids on it the way Topher and Mandy wanted? Maybe even combine the farm with this property, too, and work something out with Kinsey and Conor and Liam over it? You’re getting better every day at the farmwork—that goat loves you now,” he added with a laugh.
“I was thinking,” he continued, “that since Northbridge doesn’t have a photographer, you could set up shop in town and work here rather than in Denver. You might have to add school pictures and maybe sign on to do some work with the local newspaper, but people get married and have babies and want family photographs here, too, so I think you could pick up enough work to make it worth your while. And between that and what the farms could bring in—”
Emmy was confused and not sure she was keeping up with what he was saying.
“Wait,” she said to stop him, “you want to stay in Northbridge now?”
“I’m okay with it,” he said, but unlike the enthusiastic way he’d said the rest, there was marginally less confidence in that in his tone. “You’ve sort of let me see it through your eyes and that made me see it through Topher’s and Mandy’s, too. And you may be right that things for the Madisons are different now, that I’ve been holding on too tightly to old grudges. But even if more Greg Kravitzes come out of the woodwork, I don’t really care because somehow, Emmy, being with you keeps me from feeling like an outsider even here. I didn’t think anything or anyone could ever make that happen, that anything or anyone could ever top the corps for making me feel like I belong. But you have.”
Still not clear what he was suggesting, Emmy said, “So you think we should...what? You should run two farms, I should open a photography studio and we should cohabit to coparent Trinity and Kit?”
He screwed up that handsome face with a scowl. “Oh God, I’m an idiot!” he exclaimed, laughing wryly at himself. “No! I just skipped ahead into the sales pitch and left out the most important part...”
He crossed to her and took her upper arms in his big hands. “I’m sorry, this is the worst proposal of all time. But believe it or not, that’s what I’m really doing here. Today, thinking about maybe getting medical clearance to get back to duty, I realized that something had changed for me and that the marines isn’t what I want anymore. That you’re what I want. You and to be Topher’s stand-in dad to the kids.”
“So this is a proposal?”
“Absurd as it seems.”
It was pretty absurd. And coming at her out of the blue in a way that sounded more like some kind of business proposal.
Even so, something in her was right there, ready to say yes. Her mind flashed forward at superspeed into the image of them together for all time, of not bearing the responsibility of raising two kids by herself, of the fact that Trinity and Kit could have a father—the man Trinity was already coming to like and rely on, the man Kit was already responding to as if Declan really was his daddy. The man whose touch brought her to heights she hadn’t known were possible. The man she’d come to trust and depend on—with whom she’d formed a workable partnership.
Just that quick Emmy had the image of her and Declan and Trinity and Kit as a family, staying on the farm in the small town she’d come to see more and more affectionately.
She had the image of her and Declan as husband and wife the way her parents were—happy together, partners in life, even in work. She had the image of them growing old together, looking out for each other, caring for each other, solving problems together the way they had been since the two of them had started this.
She had the image of all of it playing out like a storybook, a fairy tale, a flawless romance that had had a rocky start but ended with a happily-ever-after.
But that was not totally unlike what she’d thought would happen with Bryce.
And because she’d been blind to the reality of their relationship, she’d walked right into a whole lot of hurt and disillusionment.
So she took a breath.
And she shoved every fantasy-like image out of her brain.
And she forced herself to look at this realistically.
“I know how awful it’s been for you,” she said. “Losing Topher. Being the driver. I know you want to do right by him. I know you want to honor his memory. I know you want to make sure his kids are okay. But...” Her voice cracked and she thought that it was no wonder she’d taken refuge in fantasies and romantic images because reality was so much harder.
“I ignored things I shouldn’t have ignored with Bryce and I won’t do that again—”
“I’m not Bryce,” Declan said emphatically. “I’m not leading you on. I am proposing to you.”
“On sort of a whim, I think—”
“I’m a marine. Marines don’t act on whims.”
“But I’ll bet they do act on feelings of guilt and responsibility. And it’s part of the job to be willing to sacrifice yourself, to give your life for what you believe in.”
She glanced around the room, indicating the military shrine they were in the midst of. “Look at this, Declan. You’ve been all about the marines since you were a little boy. Until this minute I’ve never heard you say a single word about not going back in. You’ve made it clear that was exactly what you were working for.”
She shook her head again. “But now you’re willing to live Topher’s life? You can’t bring him back so you’re going to be his replacement instead? That isn’t right. It isn’t what he or what Mandy would have wanted for you. And adding me onto the plan? I’m just incidental... If I said yes to that...you can’t tell me that eventually you wouldn’t resent not walking in your own shoes. And there I’d be, just part of what you need to get away from so you can get back to your own life...”
It was Declan’s turn to shake his head in denial. “Wow, I’ve really botched this,” he said, an even deeper, more somber frown drawing lines between those beautiful blue eyes.
He pulled her up against him, wrapped his arms around her and just held her there for a minute, her face pressed to his chest where she could hear the beat of his heart.
She had to fight all over again not to let herself believe she could have this—being in his arms, against that magnificent body for all of eternity.
But she did fight it. She didn’t even put her arms around him; she just left them at her sides.
Then he took her by the shoulders and stepped back, putting that short distance between them again.
“I came at this all wrong. Let me start over...”
She looked up at him, adoring the view but steeling herself against the words she was afraid to believe.
“Last night blew me away. And it seemed so much like you and I being together was...I don’t know...a done deal, signed, sealed, delivered...that when I tried to explain what I want for the rest of my life, I skipped over the most important part.”
His hands slipped from her shoulders to her upper arms again.
“You are the most important part, Emmy. You are not incidental, Emmy,” he said forcefully. “And this is not a way to soothe my conscience—you’ve already done most of that by opening my eyes to the Topher I’d lost sight of, to the things he thought and believed in. You’ve already helped my conscience by letting me know how Mandy didn’t blame me.”
Declan’s grip around her arms tightened.
“I do love their kids and want to help raise them. And I don’t want you to have to do it alone. But those things come second to how much I love you. It’s just that what I feel for you is so big in me that it seemed like it’s written on my forehead—too obvious to miss. Remember, I’m a jarhead. The same way we don’t act on whims, we aren’t supposed to be this...this completely taken over by feelings like I am having for you...”
She couldn’t help wondering if he was just saying that now.
It must have shown in her expression because he squeezed her arms tighter and said, “I don’t think you know how great you are. How beautiful you are inside and out. How smart and brave and resilient. How strong and kind and caring... Lying in bed with you last night was like coming home for me in a way that didn’t have a damn thing to do with a place. It sure as hell didn’t have anything to do with guilt or remorse or my conscience or Topher or Trinity or Kit. It was all about you. About you and me together. It was all about how right that felt—more right even than the marines have felt to me, and nothing on earth has ever shocked me more than realizing that! I love you, Emmy. I love you,” he repeated louder and with more intensity. “I want you to marry me. I want to stay here or leave here or go to the moon with you if that’s what you want. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Because with you is where I belong. And I think with me is where you belong. And the rest is what’s incidental. The rest is just what I thought we could do around that.”
Steeling herself against those words hadn’t worked but still she was worried about taking them to heart.
She’d spent this entire day telling herself that last night was no big deal, that she needed to take it in stride. That explosive, incredible lovemaking was just that—a few hours of explosive, incredible lovemaking that she could not let herself imagine as anything more than that. As anything that would lead to anything more.
The Marine's Family Mission Page 19