by L. S. Pullen
“Hey, you okay?” Meg asks.
“Yeah, fine,” I reply.
She raises her eyebrows. “You know you can always talk to me, even if it’s about Lottie. I won’t make it weird.”
I scoff at that. “You just made it weird.”
She waves her hands. “I did not, and you’re deflecting, but I know something’s wrong.”
I let out a frustrated sigh. “Lately, I get the impression she’s not into me, that I annoy her. She’s been pulling away from me too, and I don’t know why. I try to do things I know she likes or surprise her with some of her favourite things so that I can see her smile.”
Meg brings her hand to her chest.
“Oh my God. You love her.”
I avert my eyes, because yeah, I do, but I want to share that with Lottie––no offence to Meg.
“Listen, just talk to her, tell her how you feel,” she says, reaching out and touching my arm.
I glance at her throat, where her scar is still healing.
“Are you sure you should be back at work?” I ask, pointing to her.
She rolls her eyes. “Yes. I’m on a phased return to work and nothing physical. I’ve already had this conversation repeatedly with my dad, Henry, and Olly.” She props her hand on her hip. “Please, don’t you start too.”
I hold up my palms. “Okay, easy tiger,” I say, glad to see that same fire is still alive and well. “You can’t blame us for caring,” I say, reaching out and cupping her shoulder.
Meg’s eyes go wide, and she clears her throat just as a familiar scent washes over me.
“Hey, Lottie,” Meg says as I turn my head to see Lottie standing there, her lips slightly parted.
She swallows hard. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. Olly asked me to run down to see if you had any more sugar?”
Meg nods. “You didn’t, just this neanderthal being overprotective. Let me go grab some from the kitchen,” she says, brushing past me.
“Lottie, I didn’t know you were coming to see Olly,” I say, stepping closer, reaching out my hand.
But she steps back. “Oh, didn’t you now?”
I raise my eyebrows. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
She crosses her arms. “Nothing,” she says, staring at the floor.
“What? Am I not allowed to be worried about my friends now, is that it?”
Choking back a sound I can’t decipher, she mutters something under her breath.
“Charlotte.” I reach for her chin and tilt her face towards mine. “Talk to me, please.”
She shakes her head. “Not here.”
Fuck this shit. I grab her hand and pull her outside behind me, our feet hammering down the metal stairs as we round the side of the building.
I turn to face her. “Are you jealous over Meg? Is that it? You have no reason to be, Lottie. You’re who I want.”
Biting her lip, she makes eye contact and swallows hard. “It’s not that. Listen, the way I’ve been feeling lately… the symptoms are similar to when I started treatment before my kidney transplant.”
So she’s not just feeling sick. This is serious. I reach for her and try to pull her into my arms, but she steps back with a firm shake of her head.
“Please don’t. Let me get this out.”
The hairs on the back of my neck stand on end, and I know deep in my soul whatever she’s about to say, it can’t be good.
“If it’s what I think it is, I won’t have the time or energy to be with you, Ethan. I won’t be able to give you what you want.”
I frown. “What the fuck are you even talking about, Lottie?” I wave my hand between us. “What do you mean, what I want? I just want you.”
She digs her teeth into her bottom lip so hard I think she might draw blood, and as I’m about to reach out to stop her, she continues.
“I think we should take a break,” she says.
And my stomach drops out. “What the fuck? No. I don’t want to take a damn break.”
Her eyes fill with tears. “This isn’t about what you want, Ethan. Do you know what it’s like to see someone you care about sick? To see them getting treatment, to watch them… die,” she says on a sob.
I try to answer, but nothing comes out.
“I’m sorry, Ethan, I can’t do this.”
She turns and rushes up the stairs.
“Fuck,” I curse, taking two at a time, going after her.
I burst through the door just as she gets to the reception desk, and Meg steps out, holding a bag of sugar.
“Here you go,” she says, her face falling. “Are you okay?” she asks Lottie, concern in her voice.
“Lottie,” I say.
Her red ponytail swings back and forth as she shakes her head, quickly grabs the sugar, and practically runs up the stairs and back towards Olly’s office.
I start after her, but Meg grabs my elbow, and I swing around to face her.
“Ethan, what the fuck did you do?”
Pointing to myself, I let out a humourless laugh. “I tried to talk to her, and she fucking dumped me.”
I drag my hand over my face and let out a heavy breath.
“Fuck,” I say, drawing attention. Meg takes me by the elbow, leads me to the kitchen, and closes the door behind us.
“Ethan, calm down. She was upset. If you try to talk to her like that,” she says, pointing at me. “You won’t be doing anyone any favours.”
Maybe she’s right? But while I’m here with Lottie so close and yet so far, I’m a train wreck. And I know Meg means well, and believe me, I love her for it. I don’t think Lottie would appreciate me talking to her about us, least of all about her health.
“I’m sorry, Meg. I know you mean well, but I need to get out of here.” Before she can say anymore, I’m out the door and down the stairs. All I know is that there is no way I’m letting Lottie just walk away, especially without a fight.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Charlotte
What’s wrong with me? Why did I just do that? I barely managed to get back in Olly’s office before I was a sobbing mess. Olly rounds his desk, takes the sugar, and drops it on the table before taking me in his arms.
“What the hell happened?” he asks, stroking my back.
I try to talk, but I can’t get the words out. He walks us over to the sofa and sits us down, his hand rubbing circles over my back.
“Lottie, just breathe, okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
He talks to me in a soothing voice. Reaching for the box of tissues, he pulls some out and hands them to me. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose.
I hiccup, and he tilts my chin until I’m looking up at him.
“Talk to me. What has you crying like this?” he says.
Taking in a lungful of air, I finally manage to get the words out. “I think Ethan and I just broke up.”
His face turns stone cold. “I’ll kill him,” he says.
He’s already moving to his feet, but I grab his hand and tug him back to me.
“No, it wasn’t him. It was me. I just told him I think we should take a break.”
Olly looks at me, confused. “Why? What did the arsehole do?” he demands.
If I didn’t feel like an absolute bitch then I’d probably scoff at his reaction, because no matter what, Olly will always have me on a pedestal––even when I’m the one at fault.
“He didn’t do anything. It’s me,” I say, wiping away my stray tears. “I haven’t been feeling well, and I just don’t want to drag him down with me.”
Olly’s shoulders tense. “What do you mean?”
I let out a groan, annoyed with myself. The last thing I wanted to do was to worry him too. This shit storm is turning into a hurricane. Reluctantly, I tell Olly about not feeling right for the past few weeks and going to the doctors this afternoon.
“Shit, Lottie, do you want me to come with you?” he asks.
I smile at that but shake my head. “Ethan asked me earlier,
but I said no. I’m picking Vi up on my way.”
He scrubs his hand over his jaw. “You’re not alone, Lottie, you know that, right?”
I nod, and he pulls me into a side hug.
“I know you think you’re doing the right thing by pushing Ethan away, but you’re wrong.”
Pulling back slightly, I stare up at him, a little surprised. I shake my head, but he raises an eyebrow. “You are, Lottie. If he wants to be there for you, it’s his choice. It’s not fair for you to take away his choice. Not when I see how much he cares about you.”
“So now you’re on Ethan’s side?” I say, trying not to sound hurt.
“I’m team whatever makes you happy, and from what I’ve seen, he does make you happy.”
There’s no point in me trying to argue you with him because he’s right. Ethan does, and then some.
“Thank you,” I say, and he kisses my temple and then goes to add sugar to his––likely––cold coffee.
When I pick up Vi on my way to the doctors’ surgery, it’s not long before I unload and tell her about me breaking it off with Ethan. She’s surprisingly quiet and reserves judgement until I finish speaking and am pulling into the car park. I turn the engine off, take a deep breath and face her, waiting for her reaction.
She reaches for my hand and gives it’s a firm squeeze.
“Let’s just get this appointment out of the way, and then we’ll worry about you fixing things with Ethan,” she says.
I glance over to her. “You didn’t see his face, Vi. I didn’t even give him a chance.”
“One thing at a time, Char,” she says with a comforting smile.
Vi sits beside me quietly inside the doctor’s office as I explain my symptoms and tell her about my fatigue and lack of appetite.
“Okay. When was the first day of your last period?” she asks, her fingers poised over her keyboard.
I draw a blank and try to calculate mentally. “Honestly, I’m not sure,” I say, twisting my hands in my lap.
“Okay. Is there any possibility you could be pregnant?”
My cheeks heat because Ethan and I haven’t been using contraception.
“I don’t think so. I’m on the pill,” I reply.
She drops her hands into her lap and turns to face me fully. “Okay, but I’d like you to do a urine sample while you’re here. At least then we can be sure.”
I swallow hard and Vi gives me another reassuring smile.
“But do you think it’s my CKD? Could it be my kidneys?” I ask, my voice sounding hoarse.
She gives me a tentative smile. “Charlotte, honestly, I don’t know. It could be a number of different things. A urine infection, for example, but until we run some tests and bloodwork, I can’t one hundred percent rule anything out.”
I bounce my knee up and down, unable to keep still.
“But what if it is?” I ask.
“And what if it isn’t?” Vi says, reaching over for my hand.
My doctor takes my blood pressure and asks me to step on the scales and types away on her computer before she hands me a ridiculous sized pot to piss in.
Vi lets out a laugh, and I give her the most incredulous look. She just covers her mouth with her hand as we walk out of the office.
“I don’t need to pee,” I say and sit down in the waiting area with a huff. I’ve done nothing but pee, and now I need to, I’ve got nothing.
Vi walks off and then comes back over with a cup she’s just filled from the water dispenser.
“Drink up,” she says, handing it to me.
Thankfully, it’s not long before nature calls, and we’re back in the doctor’s office.
“Okay, Charlotte, so your urine sample has come back positive.”
I bring my hand to my chest and let out a sigh. “So, I’m not pregnant,” I say; the doctor looks to me, then to Vi and back to me.
“No, you are pregnant. The test was positive.”
I sit forward in my chair and shake my head. I know what ‘positive’ means but still struggling to process the information. “Sorry, come again.”
Vi leans over and says, not so subtly, “You have a bun in the oven, girl. You’re knocked up.”
I bring my fingers to my temple.
“But I’m on the pill,” I blurt out and stare back at the doctor. “This must be a mistake.”
The doctor shakes her head. “It’s unlikely. Our tests are ninety-nine percent accurate,” she says calmly. “You’ll need to stop taking the pill with effect immediately.”
I nod, but I’m still trying to get my head around it. I’m pregnant.
“Oh my God. What about my immunosuppressants?”
She types away on her computer as Vi reaches for my trembling hand.
“You’re fine to keep taking them as prescribed.”
But to be honest, everything after leaving the doctors is somewhat of a blur. I end up sitting on a kerb with my head between my knees when it actually catches up to me, and even then, I still can’t believe it. I’m having a baby.
Exhausted doesn’t even begin to cover it when we get back to the flat. Thank fuck for Vi coming with me. I was in no condition to drive home. All I want to do is sleep and worry about what happens next later.
Vi walks straight into my back when I suddenly stop as I approach our front door.
“What the fuck?” Vi says, tumbling into me. “You, okay?” she asks, moving beside me, just as Ethan pushes off the floor and gets to his feet.
“Oh,” she says.
Ethan steps aside, and she unlocks the front door, but she doesn’t go inside.
“I’ll leave you two to talk,” she says. I give her a pleading look but she shakes her head.
“Talk to him,” she whispers before I hear her footsteps fading.
I clear my throat and square my shoulders. “You want to come in?” I ask, which seems like such a dumb question. Why else would he be here?
I kick off my shoes, and I hear him close the door behind me as I head into the living room. Crossing my arms, I take a deep breath and turn back to face him.
“Before you say anything, I have things to say.”
He gently takes my elbow and leads me to the sofa for us to sit.
“I know you’re scared, especially after what happened to Max. But I’m not going anywhere.”
I reach out and put my hand on his forearm, but he shakes his head. Taking my hands in his, he rubs a soft circular motion over the inside of my wrist.
“Please, let me finish,” he says. “No matter how hard you try to push me away, I’ll just keep coming back. I’m not going anywhere. And if it is your kidneys and the worst comes to the worst, I’ll put myself forward to be tested as a donor.” His words hold so much conviction.
“You’d do that for me? You’d give me a kidney?”
I gasp as he raises his hand to cup my cheek. “Of course. You already have my heart. I love you, Lottie. I love you more than I ever thought humanly possible. Everything up until now was just getting me ready for you.”
I shake my head. He loves me. He’d do that for me. My nose tingles and tears brim my eyes, unable to keep them at bay. His thumbs gently wipe them away.
“It’s okay. I don’t expect you to say it back.”
He’s wrong. I am ready to say it back, but not until he knows the truth.
“It’s not my kidneys,” I say, and his entire body relaxes like the weight of the world has been lifted. “I’m pregnant,” I blurt it out.
His face shows no reaction, the silence deafening.
“I’m sorry, you’re what?” he asks, as though he misheard.
“I’m pregnant,” I whisper. This time I avert my eyes.
Ethan moves to his knees in front of me, tilting my chin with his finger until we’re eye level.
“A baby,” he says, his pupils dilated.
“Believe me when I say I’m as surprised as you are.”
He clears his throat, his eyes searching my face. “And ho
w do you feel about it?” he asks.
I chew on my lip before answering, choosing to be as honest as possible.
“Confused, scared and excited. I mean, part of me thought I’d like kids one day, but this was beyond unexpected.”
Reaching out his hand, he spreads his palm over my stomach in an almost protective gesture. Bringing all my emotions to the surface, I sniff back the urge to cry.
“Some of the best things always are,” he says with reverence. “I love you, and I’ll love this baby too.”
I cover his hand with mine. “But you never signed up for this,” I say, worried he’s saying what I want to hear.
“And neither did you, but I’ll support whatever decision you make. It’s your body and your choice, but I’m hoping like hell you want this.”
He moves to sit beside me, and before I know what he’s doing, he lifts me onto his lap.
“I didn’t do this to trap you. What if that’s what people think?”
He laughs. “I was already trapped the moment I met you, Lottie. And anyone who thinks that doesn’t matter.”
I cup his face between my hands. “You matter, and so we’re clear, I love you too.”
He grips the back of my neck softly and pulls my face closer to his.
“I know you do, but it’s fucking nice to hear you say it.”
Leaning closer, my lips brush softly over his. “So, we’re doing this? We’re having a baby together?” I ask, my smile wide.
“Yes, yes we are.”
And then he kisses me, demanding entrance. I give in easily, his tongue playing with mine, eliciting feelings and sensations I haven’t felt for a few weeks. I don’t know if it’s because of the relief of knowing it’s not my kidneys or the fact that Ethan loves me. This Adonis of a man loves me, and I’m having his baby.
I move to my knees and straddle his lap, his velvet lips working their way down my throat and then to my earlobe, his teeth nibbling gently, sending shivers down my spine. His lips trail back to my face and he peppers sweet light kisses over my cheeks, slowly moving to my eyelids and then to my chin before finding my lips again, his exploration full of both tenderness and reverence. When he draws back, resting his forehead against mine, he whispers, “I love you, Lottie.” His soft breath fans my lips, and I bottle this memory, a moment I want to savour forever.