by Michel Faber
More than once, he’d walked out from his church into the darkness, knelt in the area of scrubland where he buried his faeces, and asked God to tell him honestly if he was falling prey to the sin of Pride. These translations he was spending so much energy on – were they really needed? The Oasans had never asked to be delivered from consonants. They seemed resigned to their humiliation. Kurtzberg had taught them to sing ‘Amazing Grace’, and how sweet the sound had been – yet how excruciating, too. And wasn’t that the point? There was grace in their strenuous approximation. More grace, for sure, than you’d find in some complacent congregation in a British village, singing facile hymns while their minds were half-preoccupied with football or soap operas. The Oasans wanted their Book of Strange New Things; maybe he shouldn’t dilute its strangeness.
He prayed for guidance. God did not caution him. In the stillness of the balmy Oasan night, with the stars shining greenish in the azure heavens, the overwhelming message he felt in the atmosphere around him was: All shall be well. Goodwill and compassion can never be wrong. Continue as you began. Nothing could tarnish the memory of the day when the Oasans sang ‘Amazing Grace’ for him – it was Kurtzberg’s gift to them, which they’d passed on to their next pastor. But he, Peter, would give them different gifts. He would give them Scripture that flowed forth from them as easily as breath itself.
Close to a hundred and twenty Jesus Lovers were in the fold now, and Peter was determined to know them all as individuals, which took a lot more effort than simply keeping a mental record of robe colours and Jesus Lover numbers. He was making headway (so to speak) with telling the difference between the faces. The trick was to quit waiting for the features to resolve themselves into a nose, lips, ears, eyes and so on. That wasn’t going to happen. Instead, you had to decode a face as you’d decode a tree or a rock formation: abstract, unique, but (after you’d lived with it for a while) familiar.
Even so, to recognise was not the same as to know. You could train yourself to identify a certain pattern of bulge and colour, and realise: this is Jesus Lover Thirteen. But who, really, was Jesus Lover Thirteen? Peter had to admit he was finding it difficult to know the Oasans in any deeper sense. He loved them. For the time being, that would have to do.
Sometimes, he wondered if it would have to do for ever. It was hard to remember individuals if they didn’t behave like humans, with their circus displays of ego, their compulsive efforts to brand themselves on your mind. Oasans didn’t work that way. No one engaged in behaviours that screamed Look at me! or Why won’t the world let me be myself? No one, as far as he could tell, was anxiously pondering the question Who am I? They just got on with life. At first, he’d found that impossible to believe, and assumed this equanimity must be a front, and any day now he would discover that the Oasans were as screwed up as anyone else. But no. They were as they appeared to be.
In one way, it was really kind of . . . restful, to be spared the melodramas that made things so complicated when you dealt with other humans. But it meant that his tried-and-true method of gaining intimacy with new acquaintances was totally useless here. He and Bea had pulled it off so many times, in all the places where they’d ministered, from opulent hotel lobbies to needle exchanges, always the same message to open people up: Don’t worry, I can see that you’re not like everybody else. Don’t worry, I can see that you’re special.
The Oasans didn’t need Peter to tell them who they were. They bore their individuality with modest self-confidence, neither celebrating nor defending the eccentricities and flaws that distinguished them from others of their kind. They were like the most Buddhist-y Buddhists imaginable – which made their hunger for the Christian religion all the more miraculous.
‘You’re aware, aren’t you,’ he’d said to Jesus Lover One a while back, ‘that some of my people believe in different religions from the Christian one?’
‘We have heard,’ Lover One replied.
‘Would you like me to tell you something about those religions?’
It seemed the decent thing to offer. Lover One did the fidgety thing with the sleeves of his robe that he always did when he wanted a conversation to go no further.
‘We will have no other God than God our สีaviour. In Him alone we have hope of Life.’
It was what any Christian pastor might yearn to hear from a new convert, yet hearing it stated so baldly, so calmly, was a bit unsettling. Ministering to the Oasans was a joy, but Peter couldn’t help thinking that it was too easy.
Or was it? Why shouldn’t it be easy? When the window of the soul was clear, not smeared and tarnished with the accumulated muck of deviousness and egomania and self-loathing, there was nothing to stop the light from shining straight in. Yes, maybe that was it. Or maybe the Oasans were just too naïve, too impressionable, and it was his responsibility to give their faith some intellectual rigour. He hadn’t worked it out yet. He was still praying on it.
Then there were the ones who weren’t Jesus Lovers, the ones whose names he couldn’t even pronounce. What was he to do about them? They were no less precious in the eyes of God, and no doubt had needs and sorrows every bit as serious as anyone else’s. He should be reaching out to them, but they ignored him. Not aggressively; they just behaved as if he wasn’t there. No, that wasn’t quite right; they acknowledged his presence as one might respect a fragile obstacle – a plant that mustn’t be stepped on, a chair that mustn’t be knocked over – but they had nothing to say to him. Because, of course, they literally had nothing to say to him, nor he to them.
Determined to do more than just preach to the converted, Peter strove to get to know these strangers, noting the nuances of their gestures, the way they related to each other, the roles they seemed to play in the community. Which, in a community as egalitarian as the Oasans’, was not easy. There were days when he felt that the best he’d ever achieve with them was a sort of animal tolerance: the kind of relationship that an occasional visitor develops with a cat which, after a while, no longer hisses and hides.
Altogether there were about a dozen non-Christians he recognised on sight and whose mannerisms he felt he was getting a grip on. As for the Jesus Lovers, he knew them all. He kept notes on them, indecipherable notes scrawled sometimes in the dark, smudged with sweat and humidity, qualified with question marks in the margins. It didn’t matter. The real, practical knowledge was intuitive, stored in what he liked to think of as the Oasan side of his brain.
He still had no clear idea how many people lived in C-2. The houses had many rooms, like beehives, and he couldn’t guess how many of them were inhabited. Which meant he also couldn’t estimate how tiny, or not so tiny, the proportion of Christians was. Maybe one per cent. Maybe a hundredth of one per cent. He just didn’t know.
Still, even a hundred Christians was an amazing achievement in a place like this, more than enough to accomplish great things. The church was coming ahead. The building, that is. It had a roof now, sensibly sloped, watertight and utilitarian. His polite requests for a spire had been deflected (‘we do all other thing, pleaสีe, before’); he sensed that they would deflect it for ever.
As a compensation, the Oasans had promised to decorate the ceiling. Kurtzberg had once shown them a photograph of a place they called, almost unintelligibly, the สีiสีรี่ine ฐapel. Inspired by the handiwork of Michelangelo, the Oasans were keen to create something similar, except they suggested that all the incidents should be from the life of Jesus rather than from the Old Testament. Peter was all for it. Apart from giving the church some much-needed colour, it would give him an insight into the unique nature of these people’s perception.
Lover Five, as always, was quickest off the mark, showing him her sketch of the scene she proposed to paint. It was the one outside Jesus’s tomb, where Salome and the two Marys find the stone rolled away. Evidently, this story was already familiar to her. Peter couldn’t guess which of the four gospel accounts Kurtzberg had used, whether it was Luke’s ‘two men in dazzlin
g raiment’ story, Matthew’s angel descending from Heaven with earthquake accompaniment, Mark’s lone young man sitting on a rock, or John’s pair of angels inside the tomb. Whichever it was, Lover Five had rejected these characters and replaced them with the risen Christ. Her mourners, daintily proportioned and clad in hooded robes like herself, confronted a scarecrow-thin figure wearing a loincloth. This Jesus stood erect with arms spread wide, an eye-shaped hole in each palm of His starfish-shaped hands. Above His neck, where His head should be, Lover Five had left a blank space surrounded by a porcupine profusion of lines, to indicate radiance from an incandescent light source. On the ground between Him and the women lay a bagel-like object which Peter realised after a minute must be the discarded crown of thorns.
‘No longer dead,’ Lover Five explained, or maybe that was the title of her drawing.
Lover Five may have been first with her sketch, but she was not the first to get a painting mounted on the church ceiling. That distinction belonged to Jesus Lover Sixty-Three, an extremely shy individual who communicated mainly in gestures, even among his (her?) own people. The Oasans were scrupulous in their respect for others, and gossip was not their style, but Peter gradually got the message that Lover Sixty-Three was disfigured or malformed in some way. Nothing specific was said, only a general sense that Lover Sixty-Three was a pathetic character, soldiering on as though he was normal when everyone could see he wasn’t. Peter tried his best, without staring, to see what the problem might be. He noted that the flesh of Lover Sixty-Three’s face appeared less raw, less glistening, than other people’s. It looked as if it had been dusted with talc, or briefly cooked, like fresh chicken whose pinkness fades to white after a few seconds in boiling water. In Peter’s eyes, this made him, if anything, a little easier to behold. But to his neighbours, it was evidence of a pitiable disability.
Whatever Lover Sixty-Three’s handicap was, it didn’t affect his artistic skill. His painted panel, already affixed to the church ceiling directly above the pulpit, was the sole finished contribution so far, and any subsequent offerings would have to be impressive indeed to equal its quality. It glowed like a stained-glass skylight, and had an uncanny ability to remain visible even when the sun was on the wane and the church’s interior grew dim, as though the pigments were luminescent in their own right. It combined bold Expressionist colours with the intricate, exquisitely balanced composition of a medieval altarpiece. The figures were approximately half life-sized, crowded onto a rectangle of velvety cloth that was bigger than Jesus Lover Sixty-Three.
His choice of Biblical scene was Thomas the Doubter’s meeting with his fellow disciples when they tell him they’ve seen Jesus. A most unusual subject to tackle: Peter was almost certain that no Christian painter had ever attempted it before. Compared to the more sensational finger-in-the-wound encounter with the resurrected Christ, this earlier episode was devoid of visual drama: an ordinary man in an ordinary room voices his scepticism about what a bunch of other ordinary men have just told him. But in Lover Sixty-Three’s conception, it was spectacular. The disciples’ robes – all in different colours, of course – were scorched with tiny black crucifixes, as though a barrage of laser beams from the radiant Christ had sizzled brands onto their clothing. Speech bubbles issued from their slitty mouths, like trails of vapour. Inside each bubble was a pair of disembodied hands, in the same starfish design as Lover Five had used. And in the centre of each starfish, the eye-shaped hole, adorned with an impasto glob of pure crimson which could either be a pupil or a drop of blood. Thomas’s robe was monochrome, unmarked, and his speech bubble was a sober brown. It contained no hands, no images of any kind, only a screed of calligraphy, incomprehensible but elegant, like Arabic.
‘This is very beautiful,’ Peter had said to Jesus Lover Sixty-Three when the painting was formally delivered.
Lover Sixty-Three lowered his head. Assent, embarrassment, acknowledgement, pensiveness, pleasure, pain, who knew?
‘It also reminds us of a very important truth about our faith,’ said Peter. ‘A truth that’s especially important in a place like this, situated so very far away from where Christianity began.’
Lover Sixty-Three stooped lower still. Perhaps his head weighed too heavy on his neck.
‘Jesus allowed Thomas to put his finger into His wounds,’ said Peter, ‘because He understood that some people cannot believe without proof. It’s a natural human response.’ Peter hesitated, wondering if the word ‘human’ needed qualification, then decided it must be obvious by now that he regarded the Oasans as no less human than himself. ‘But Jesus was aware that it would not be possible for everyone, everywhere, forever afterward, to see and touch Him the way Thomas did. So He said, “Blessed are they that have not seen, and yet have believed.” And that’s us, my friend.’ He laid a hand gingerly on Lover Sixty-Three’s shoulder. ‘You and me, and all of us here.’
‘Yeสี,’ said Lover Sixty-Three. For him, that constituted fulsome conversation. A group of other Jesus Lovers, who’d accompanied him to the church for the delivery of the painting, made trembling motions with their shoulders. Peter realised that this was probably their equivalent of laughter. Laughter! So they did have a sense of humour after all! He was constantly learning important things of this kind, things which made him feel that the gulf between him and these people was growing shorter with every sunrise.
Lover Sixty-Three’s painting was solemnly raised and affixed to the ceiling, inaugurating the church’s devotional display. The next day, it was joined by Jesus Lover Twenty’s interpretation of Mary Magdalene being purged of her seven devils. The devils – ectoplasmic vapours with vaguely feline shapes – exploded from her torso like fireworks, ignited by Jesus, who stood behind Mary in a spread-armed pose. It was a cruder piece of work than Lover Sixty-Three’s, but no less strong, and it, too, glowed with an unfeasible luminescence.
The next day, no one brought a painting, but they did bring Peter a bed, to replace the bundle of rags and nets he’d been sleeping on since his hammock had come down. The Oasans had accepted his hammock unquestioningly, and would have been quite prepared to worship with it dangling in their midst, but Peter had cut it down when he judged the church was so close to finished now that the hammock marred its dignity. The Oasans, noting that their pastor did not necessarily require to hang suspended in order to be comfortable, had quietly constructed a bed for him, according to their usual bathtub/coffin template, albeit larger, shallower and less crammed with swaddly cotton. It was carried across the scrubland to the church, ushered through the door and installed right behind the pulpit, without any pretence that it was anything other than a bed. During the first prayer meeting after its arrival, Peter joked that if he got too tired while speaking, he could always just fall backwards and have a sleep. His congregation nodded indulgently. To them, it was a sensible idea.
On the morning that Grainger came to fetch him, Peter awoke to anticipation. Anticipation of the rain. For the natives, this was not unusual; rain occurred at predictable intervals, and they’d had a lifetime to accustom themselves to its rhythms. But Peter was not so attuned, and the rains always caught him by surprise. Until now. He stirred in his bed, slippery with sweat, thick-headed, squinting from the window-shaped rectangle of light that warmed his chest. Yet, dazed as he was, he knew at once that he must lose no time coming to the surface or trying to recall his dreams or continuing to rack his brains for a pronounceable alternative to ‘Baptist’, but that he should get up and go outside.
The rains were about a quarter of a mile away, gaining ground fast. They truly were rains, plural. Three colossal networks of water were advancing independently, separated by substantial spaces of clear air. Each network had its own internal logic, replicating and reassembling its glittering patterns over and over, shifting slow and graceful like one of those complex computer graphics that purport to show a city or a spider-web in three dimensions from all angles. Except that here, the screen was the sky, and the display was an aw
e-inspiring vista on a par with an Aurora Borealis or a nuclear mushroom cloud.
If only Bea could see this, he thought. Every day, provoked by some event or other, he regretted her absence. It wasn’t a physical yearning – that came and went, and it was at an ebb just now – but rather an uneasy awareness that a huge, complicated phase of his life was passing by, crowded with significant and deeply emotional experiences, none of which Bea was seeing, none of which she was remotely involved in. And again now: these three great shimmering veils of rain, swirling majestically across the plains towards him: they were indescribable, and he would not describe them, but seeing them would leave a mark on him, a mark that would not be left on her.
The rains covered what was left of the distance in minutes. By the time the settlement was gently engulfed, Peter could no longer perceive them as three separate entities. The air all around him was ecstatic with water, bursting with it. Silvery lariats of droplets lashed against the ground, lashed against him. He remembered how, when he was a kid, he would play with the girl at the end of the street and she’d spray him with the garden hose and he’d jump to avoid it but get caught anyway, which was the whole point and pleasure of it. Knowing that it would get you, but that you wouldn’t come to harm and you’d love it really.
Soon he was dripping wet and slightly dizzy from watching the patterns swirl before him. So, to give his eyes a rest, he did what the Oasans did: he stood with his head craned back, mouth open, and let the rain fall straight in. Drink the downpour direct from source. It was a sensation which, back home, every child attempts to indulge in once or twice before learning that there’s no point standing there gaping like an idiot, straining to catch raindrops which are too far apart and too small. But here, the undulating arcs of the rainfall meant that you would get nothing for a moment or two and then a generous sprinkle, a splash on the tongue. Moreover, the taste of melon was stronger when it came straight out of the sky. Or maybe he only imagined this.