by Eva Ashwood
I’ve tried to paint too, but that hasn’t happened so easily as the studying.
When I was in the hospital—even when I was at Gray’s house—I wanted nothing more than to get back to my little studio in the corner of my dorm and paint out everything I was feeling. If I could get all the stuff whirling around in my subconscious out onto a page or a piece of canvas, I thought I might actually be able to make some sense of it.
But nothing comes.
I’ve tried to sit down and force it out of me… but I get nothing.
It’s like that part of me has left, and any time I pick up a brush to try, I can’t paint anything worth keeping. The colors and shapes don’t mean anything, they don’t form into anything. My mind goes blank, empty.
I know it has to do with the memory loss, and I’m pissed as shit about it.
The first Monday of classes is almost a relief. At least with school to focus on, I can’t obsess over why my creative well has completely dried up.
Slinging my bag over my shoulder, I stuff my key card into my pocket and step out into the mild California winter weather. I haven’t gotten outside much in these past couple days because I’ve been studying, and I force myself to take a deep breath as I make my way to my first class. As I walk, I shoot off a text to Max.
ME: Hey. What’s your class schedule like this semester? Sorry, I’m a shitty friend, I should’ve asked sooner.
When my phone chirps a few seconds later with her response, I reach down to dig it out of my pocket. But before I can grab my cell, a pair of hands clamps down on my shoulders. I barely have time to react before I’m being pulled off the path and into a nook between buildings, away from the flow of students walking past.
My entire body tenses, ready for a fight. I’ve kept my guard up ever since Cliff attacked me last semester, and since I still don’t know how I ended up falling down a flight of stairs, I’m even more on edge.
But then I get a look at the face of the man who grabbed me, and another face hovering right behind his.
Declan and Elias.
“What the fuck is going on, Soph?” Declan asks, his brows pulled so tight that there’s a little line between them.
My jaw tightens. I haven’t talked to either of them since the day before Christmas. They both had family stuff going on over the holidays, which was part of why I stayed at Gray’s house and not with one of them.
I knew I’d see them on campus. Just like I know I’ll eventually run into Gray. But I’m not in the mood to deal with any of this shit before I’ve even gone to my first class.
I turn away to leave them, but Declan steps in front of me, blocking my path.
“I’m serious, Soph. You’ve gotta tell us what the hell is up with you and Gray.”
I blink.
How the hell do they not know?
It’s only been a few days since my blowup with Gray, but the Sinners are tighter than brothers. I figured they would’ve heard the whole fucking story by the end of Christmas day, just like Max got the story from me. Declan and Elias went along with Gray’s shit last semester when he decided to take his grief out on me. So whatever the hell his new scheme is, I figured they’d be in on it like always.
“I was in Washington with my folks,” Elias adds. “Just got back last night. Turns out, even though we didn’t know until this morning, you haven’t been at Gray’s place since Christmas. What happened, Blue?”
I bite my lip. “Hasn’t he told you?” I manage to say, barely grinding out the words.
“No.” Elias’s lips press together. He’s usually the most easygoing of the three Sinners, but right now, he looks like he’s strung as tight as a piano wire. “He hasn’t told us anything. Which is why we’re asking you.”
I clench my jaw, trying to steel myself against the rush of emotions that threaten to bubble over at the reminder of how fucked everything is now. My stomach feels like it’s full of bees, and if I stay here any longer with their prodding questions, something is going to burst.
“I’ve gotta go.” I shake my head, backing away. “I’ll be late to class.”
Declan moves to intercept me before I can duck out of the little nook. He’s wearing a gray t-shirt that makes all of his tattoos look especially dark. “Wait, Soph. Hey, wait!”
Elias joins him, the two of them cutting me off as they stand shoulder-to-shoulder. “Please, tell us. You’re obviously pissed. Why? What happened?”
I’m about to say something along the lines of, why the fuck should you care, when Declan ducks his head a little, catching my gaze. I expect to see the same coldness in his eyes that I saw in Gray’s, or maybe just annoyance or anger. But instead, all I see is… worry.
It’s the same look that’s on Elias’s face, and it hits me like a punch to the chest. My nostrils flare, and I try to push away the bite of hurt that’s welling up in me again. I can take anger. I can take cold distance. But sympathy?
Sympathy is a bitch.
“I remembered something from that night,” I say hoarsely, finally giving in. “From the night of the party.”
“You know why you fell down the stairs?” Elias asks, his eyes widening.
“No.” I shake my head, licking my lips. “I still don’t remember that part. But I remember going upstairs. To the second floor. Gray was talking to someone in one of the rooms up there, and I overheard him. I don’t remember why I was there, but I know exactly what I heard.”
“What did you hear?” Declan takes a half step closer to me, watching me intently.
A hole seems to open up in my heart, flooding my veins with poison, but I don’t look away from the two men in front of me as I answer. I want to see their faces. Even if it fucking kills me, I want to see in their expressions whether they knew or not. I can’t fucking imagine they didn’t. The three of them are too close for Gray to leave them out of this.
But a tiny, stupid little part of me still hopes.
Maybe it wasn’t all three of them. Maybe it was just Gray.
“He promised someone he would get rid of me. He said he still wants me gone and that he could make it happen. That it would be easy.”
The words come easier now than they did when I told Max—as if repeating them has made me numb to them. Like the reality of it is finally starting to sink in.
Elias’s jaw falls open. He rocks back on his heels as if I just shoved him, looking like he doesn’t know which way is up anymore.
I make a move to slip between them and back out onto the path, but both he and Declan stop me, two strong hands gripping my arms. Elias gently guides me back into the little alcove, his face close to mine. His voice is low when he speaks.
“Are you sure?”
I grit my teeth. “Of course I’m fucking sure. Doctor Cohen told me a lot about how my memories might come back, when and if they would—but he never said a single thing about false memories popping into my head for no reason. I didn’t just make this shit up.”
“We’re not saying you did, Soph, but…”
Declan trails off, running a hand through his black hair. He looks just about as shell-shocked as Elias does, and vaguely sick too.
“I can’t fucking believe it,” Elias murmurs. “Why?”
“You know why.” Declan shakes his head. Something else is brewing in his expression now, and it looks a lot like anger.
“Beth.” That’s all Elias says, but Declan nods right away. “Jesus. I thought he finally let that shit go.”
To my surprise, Elias looks just as mad as Declan. My heart is slamming hard against my ribs as I look from one to the other. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to react. I expected them to side with Gray. Or maybe to clam up like he did, get all cold and pretend they don’t care. I expected them to go along with everything Gray said, because that’s what they’ve always done.
But not now.
“That’s fucked up, Blue.” Elias curses under his breath. Then he takes a step toward me, catching my chin with his fingers as he holds my
gaze. I flinch at the contact, and he pulls away but doesn’t step back. “We didn’t know. We didn’t know about whatever happened between you two on Christmas, and we didn’t know about the party. About his promise. But we’re not with him on this one.”
“We may have had his back last semester,” Declan continues, “but not now. That was fucked up. We shouldn’t have gone along with it. He shouldn’t take his grief out on other people.”
“Is that what you think this is really all about?” I ask, my voice dull. I feel hollow. Like something has been torn out of me. “Beth?”
That was my guess too. My only guess. Maybe it was me being in the house where she should have been, the first Christmas since she died—
Fuck, I don’t want to think about that.
“I thought this was over,” Declan says, letting out a breath like he’s trying to calm his anger. It’s barely working. I can see it in the tension under his skin. “I thought he was done with his stupid revenge thing.”
“He won’t do it again.” Elias’s voice is hard, and my gaze shoots to him. “We won’t let him kick you out of this school or do anything to hurt you. He’s being a dick, and it’s not fucking okay. He may be our friend, but you’re ours too, Blue.”
I swallow. This isn’t even close to the response I expected. I haven’t known them all that long, but ever since I came to Hawthorne, I’ve always seen the Sinners have each other’s backs. Are these two really taking my side over their friend, who they’ve known far longer than me?
I don’t buy it.
They’ve backed each other up in all sorts of asshole games, and I’m not going to believe them just because they say they’re done now. I believed Gray last semester when he told me he was sorry, and look where that shit got me. I’m done having faith.
Believe people when they show you who they are.
Those words I said to Max come floating back into my mind now. I want to trust Declan and Elias, but I don’t have any trust left in me. Gray took it all and broke it.
“Those are pretty words,” I say, digging deep for the familiar numbness and letting it fill my chest. “But I’ll believe it when I see it. When you can prove to me that you mean what you say.”
“Okay.” Elias’s quick response surprises me. He holds up his hands, his light brown eyes wide and sincere, like he’s trying to prove already that he’s no threat to me. “I hate that it has to be that way, but I understand why. You’ll see, Blue. I promise. We’re done following Gray’s lead when it comes to you—when it comes to anything. I’m sorry he lost Beth, that we all lost her, but this is too fucking much. He doesn’t get to hide behind grief forever and use it as an excuse to hurt other people. He’s done too much damage already, and we should’ve stopped him a long time ago.”
My heart races in my ears, a steady thump as Declan nods, his expression set in hard lines.
“He can be a stubborn fucking asshole,” he says. “And we should know. We cut him slack because of Beth for months, but we can’t do that anymore. Not if this is what he’s doing. We choose you, not him. We’ll protect you from him as much as we can.”
I swallow the lump of emotions in my throat, avoiding looking at either of them.
We choose you.
“Fine,” I whisper.
It’s a paltry, pitiful word, not even close to expressing everything I wish I could say. But it’s all I can give them right now.
I can’t believe any of it. I won’t let myself believe it until I’m really, truly sure. My heart’s already been broken once. I’m not sure I’d survive it breaking two more times.
This time, when I shove my way past the two men, they let me leave. The campus is emptying out as classes start for the day, and I hike my backpack higher on my shoulders as I walk quickly toward the lecture hall where my first class will be held. The professor gives me an annoyed look as I slip into the large classroom, but I don’t even bother affixing a contrite look on my face. It would take more energy than my whirling thoughts allow.
My phone buzzes in my pocket as the door closes behind me, and I dig it out to see several texts from Max.
MAX: It’s cool. I’ve got Psych 101 first. I think you said you do too, right?
MAX: Hey, girl. Professor Thomas just called roll. You want me to cover for you?
MAX: I’m sitting in the back left.
When I look in that direction, she gives a little wave, and a small amount of relief washes through me as I make my way to her, ignoring the whispers and looks that follow me as I do. People talking behind my back is nothing I haven’t dealt with before, and I refuse to let it bother me now.
“Hey. Is everything okay?” Max shoots me a worried look as I take a seat next to her. Professor Thomas has gone back to his lecture, and the room is big enough that her low whisper doesn’t draw his attention.
“Yeah, everything’s fine,” I lie, deciding I’ll tell her about everything later.
Class passes by quickly. I already know most of this stuff because I’ve spent the past few days going over my textbooks and getting a jump on studying, but I make sure to take notes anyway so that it solidifies in my brain. If I throw myself into schoolwork, I should be able to ace this class and all of my other classes.
Max and I split for our next couple of classes, and I go through the motions of taking notes and reading the syllabi the professors hand out, but my mind keeps replaying my interaction with Declan and Elias over and over, dissecting every part of it.
They honestly seemed surprised when I told them what Gray had said. They seemed disappointed and pissed, like they expected better of him. And they seemed so fucking sincere when they told me they’d take my side over his.
Gray shows up in my last class before lunch, but I refuse to even look at him or acknowledge that I know he’s there. He does the same to me, which should be more of a relief than it is.
I slip out of the class quickly when it lets out, lost in thought as I head toward the dining hall. I’m barely paying attention to where I’m going and just walking on autopilot.
“Nice job, Sophie.”
The smug drawl from behind me makes me stop in my tracks, the fine hairs on the back of my neck rising like hackles. Caitlin’s falsely sweet voice grates on my ears, and I turn around slowly to see her flanked by her two little minions, Gemma and Reagan.
“Thanks,” I say shortly. I have no idea what she’s talking about, and I’m not gonna give her the satisfaction of asking.
“I heard you split up the Sinners,” she says, continuing on as if I did ask. “I never thought the day would come that a bitch like you would get between those three.” She cocks her head, scanning me from head to toe with an assessing look. “Can’t say I understand why. Why do any of them think you’re worth it?”
I suck in a breath to keep myself from hauling off and punching her in the face. As tempting as it is, I’m trying not to get kicked out of school this semester. She just wants to get under my skin, to piss me off—I know that, but I hate that it’s working.
“Fuck off,” I tell her flatly. “While you’re at it, go fuck yourself.”
Before she can respond, I turn on my heel and start walking again. I’m not letting that bitch feel any smug satisfaction for stating a fact that I already know.
And why should she be so smug about it?
God, I hate this. All of it.
“Sophie!” Max catches up with me quickly as I enter the dining hall. She sounds slightly out of breath. “What’s going on? Is it true?”
I try not to feel irritation at her question. Unlike the rest of the assholes on campus, she just wants to know if it’s true for my sake, not to stir up gossip or drama.
“You split the Sinners up? It’s all over school, Sophie,” she says, standing behind me in line. “Everyone’s talking about it. You don’t realize how big this is.”
“Oh, I do,” I mutter under my breath, glancing at the menu for today.
All of the words just blend into lit
tle smudges—I can’t focus on anything right now. Instead of ordering anything, I decide to step out of the line, Max following close behind me. I can always eat later, when things have cleared out. Until then, I don’t want to be lunchtime entertainment for the entire school.
“I heard Declan and Elias basically disavowed Gray,” she murmurs. “It’s over. Is that true?”
“Yeah, I guess so,” I tell her as we step outside, “but I didn’t have anything to do with it. It was their choice. I didn’t ask them to do it for me.”
Max frowns, thinking. “I’d like to believe them though. Declan and Elias. I got to know them a little better over winter break, when we were in the hospital waiting for you to wake up. I think they’re being serious. They’re on your side… or at least that’s what everyone is saying.” She looks at me expectantly, as if wanting my side of the story.
“They did tell me that,” I confirm, “but I won’t believe shit until I see it with my own damn eyes. I’m sick of it all, Max. The games. The lies. The back and forth. I can’t fucking do it anymore.”
“Yeah, I get that.” She sighs. “Well, no matter what any of the Sinners say, you’ll always have one person on your side—me. No matter what, I’m sticking with you.” She winks. “Just try to get rid of me, bitch.”
I smile at that, and even though I’m pretty sure it looks more like a grimace, she grins back.
“Hey.” She gestures to the dorm buildings. “Why don’t we go back to my dorm for lunch? I’ve still got a little food left from winter break, and we can avoid the dining hall.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
As we walk away, she talks about everything and nothing, trying to distract me, but I can still feel people’s gazes following us as we head toward the dorms. For the second semester in a row, I’ve just become the most interesting person on campus—for all the wrong reasons.
Maybe it’ll die down soon, I tell myself, but not even I can make myself believe that lie.
9
With the Sinners broken up, the power dynamics at Hawthorne shift quickly.