“What’s that supposed to mean, Hazel? I thought we were friends!” Ally took her hand from Hazel’s arm. “Are you trying to insult me by saying I won’t be good enough?”
“No!” Hazel didn’t know how to explain what she’d been thinking. “I was just saying that girls like us would be very fortunate indeed if we ever made it further than Mrs Wilson’s small-town events.”
“Speak for yourself! I’ve just been telling you about my interview with one of the big couture houses in London next month! Why can’t you be happy for me?”
“I am!” Hazel was surprised. “Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Because it seems you were too busy looking down your nose at us both!”
“I’m sorry, Ally. My head is all over the place, and I’m not thinking straight. I didn’t mean any harm. I just didn’t think, well, you know…”
“I suppose I’ll forgive you.” Ally threaded her hand back through Hazel’s elbow. “I think I know what you were trying to say. Our northern accent doesn’t go down too well in London, does it? Miss Vaughn has been giving me some tips on how to round my vowels when I speak.” As she spoke, she emphasised the rounded vowels and collapsed in a fit of giggles. “Don’t know how I’ll be able to hold a whole conversation talking like the Queen, though!”
Hazel smiled. “I’ve never been to London. Have you?”
“A few times, yes. It’s like a different world. The people all seem to be rushing around, and the noise is deafening. I can’t wait to go back, though. Mrs Wilson gave me a reference, and I’ll be travelling down on the train with Miss Vaughn. Isn’t it good of her to offer to accompany me?” Ally rushed on without waiting for a response. “I think Mrs Wilson thought the agent would be asking for you, but when he said my name, she was shocked. Then she said you were probably too young for them. I said there’ll be plenty of time for you to make your move to the big city. I could put in a good word for you once I get my feet under the table, so to speak. What do you say?”
“That’s nice of you,” Hazel said, absently. A modelling career was the last thing on her mind at the moment.
Ally continued talking about her upcoming trip to the capital and Hazel continued to dwell on her own predicament. She was happy to work in the café with Cynthia. She didn’t know whether she would be happy to do anything else. The modelling had been fun, but it was hard work.
On the other hand, it paid well, and she would get to see what the world outside Yorkshire was like. Becoming a full time model would open doors for her. Mrs Wilson had said so. Hazel sighed. She didn’t know whether she would like to do a modelling job all the time, especially if she had to work far away from home. Could she leave her family or Eunice? Then there was Glenn. She wouldn’t like to move away and leave him behind, and she doubted he would want to go with her to London. What would he do in London?
“Will you be all right on your own from here?” Ally interrupted her thoughts. “Only, I arranged to meet Alfred later this afternoon.”
“I’ll be fine, Ally. Thank you for taking me to see Mrs Bridges. I don’t know what I would have done without you.”
“You haven’t done it yet, Hazel!” Ally grinned. “Want me to come with you on Wednesday?”
“Would you?” Hazel had been starting to dread the appointment in Ossett. It was a small town, but she knew she would be nervous and might not be able to find the address.
“I’ll meet you here about ten, and we can take the bus.”
Hazel made her way home with a heavy heart. She kept imagining a tiny baby growing inside her and couldn’t quite believe it was real. Perhaps Mrs Bridges was wrong. Perhaps she wasn’t pregnant at all, and there was some other reason for her monthlies being late. Then she remembered the embarrassing examination she’d endured. Mrs Bridges seemed to think there was a baby inside her. She’d pressed her tummy from the inside and outside, making Hazel burn with shame at the intimate intrusion of her body.
Then the woman had nodded emphatically. “Not too far along, thank goodness. You shouldn’t have any trouble losing this one, love.”
She hadn’t thought to ask anything about the procedure. She’d been too self-conscious and anxious about what the woman was doing to her. Now, her head was full of questions. How would Mrs Bridges get the baby out of her tummy? Would it hurt? What about how she might feel afterwards? Would she be poorly? Would she need to stay in bed? How would she explain her sudden indisposition to her mam?
What about Glenn? He’d been pestering her to let him make love to her again but what if the abortion made her sore down there again? How would she explain it to him? He’d been patient so far, but she had a feeling his patience wouldn’t last. What if she got pregnant again? She would have to ask Glenn to use a French letter. How would he feel about that? What would he think of her asking such a thing? Would he think she was forward? Would he be cross with her? She would have to risk his anger because she couldn’t go through this again.
She felt violated and humiliated, and that was just from the examination. She couldn’t imagine what she might feel like after having the procedure. She wished she’d asked more questions.
That evening, she went with Eunice to the town square as they’d arranged, and they met Raymond and Kenny on the town hall steps. Glenn was meeting her later at the entrance to the fair, but she wasn’t looking forward to the evening. She wished she’d stayed at home. Her mind was miles away, but she tried to concentrate on the conversation of her friends.
“I’ve seen just the bike I want, and I know I can get it for the right price,” Raymond was saying. “I’m going to see about withdrawing my savings.”
“Have you got enough?” Kenny asked.
“Just about, but I think I can barter him down a few quid when I point out it needs a new exhaust.”
“Can you fix it, Ray?” Eunice asked her brother.
“It’s an easy fix for someone who knows what they’re doing,” Raymond boasted. “When I get it going, I’ll be offering pillion rides to all of you.”
“Count me out, Ray!” Eunice chuckled. “You won’t get me on one of those things.”
“What about you, Hazel?” Raymond asked. “Will you ride with me?”
Hazel smiled. She remembered a time when she would have jumped at the chance to ride on the back of a motorbike. She nodded. “Perhaps.”
“Well, you don’t sound too enthusiastic.” Eunice caught Hazel’s hand. “What’s up, love? You’re quiet this evening.”
Hazel shrugged. “I’m not really in the mood to be out.”
“Are you feeling poorly?” Raymond asked. His face was full of concern. “I’ll walk you home if you want me to.”
Hazel decided she did want to go home but didn’t want Raymond to miss the fun of the fair. “No, I’ll be fine on my own, Ray. You go to the fair. Will you tell Glenn I’m sorry to let him down? I know he was looking forward to tonight.”
“I’m sure he’ll understand, love.” Eunice leant close to whisper, “If he really cares about you, he won’t mind.”
Hazel gave her friend a small smile. “Tell him I’ll see him next Saturday. I know he’s on the late shift next week, so he won’t be able to get to see me at the café.”
She left her friends and walked home slowly. She wished she could have confided her troubles to Eunice, but her best friend didn’t deserve to share her misery. Eunice was happier than she’d been in ages. Her blossoming relationship with Kenny was obviously giving her confidence. Raymond’s pal was good for her. He was sweet and attentive and caring, and Hazel knew Eunice was a lucky girl to have him.
Her own relationship with Glenn was not so sweet and happy. Her sweetheart was growing impatient with her, and leaving him in the lurch as she had this evening would not help the situation, but she couldn’t have faced him. Not when she was about to get rid of his baby. The baby he didn’t even know about. Her life was full of secrets and lies and half-truths, and she was beginning to hate herself. What had s
he become? She wouldn’t blame Glenn if he gave up on her, but she would miss him so much. She might have cried if she thought tears would help, she felt so wretched.
Fortunately, her parents didn’t ask too many questions when she arrived home early. They accepted her explanation of not feeling well. “I think I’m getting a cold,” she told them.
Her mother packed her off to bed with a hot drink. “You’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep love.”
Later that night, while she was in her bed, not sleeping, and watching the hours tick by, she thought about the baby growing inside her. She had no experience of babies. She could remember holding Norman when he was tiny, but she’d only been around six at the time. Eunice had two younger brothers, and she’d seen them when they were tiny but hadn’t been involved with caring for them as her friend had. Terry was ten and Hugh eight, so even holding them as infants was a distant memory.
She put a hand on her flat tummy, pressing to see whether she could feel any telltale sign of the life inside her. Soon it would be gone before it had a chance to grow bigger and spoil her life. She couldn’t give birth to it. Her parents would disown her. Glenn would leave her, and she’d be alone in the world with no one to love her. She wouldn’t be able to work at the café. She would have no money, no job and nowhere to live. That was no life to bring a child into. Tears sprang from her eyes as the enormity of what she was about to do hit her.
“I’m sorry, baby,” she whispered into the darkness. “I didn’t mean for this to happen.”
She wondered how small it might be. “I hope you’re too tiny to feel any pain. I don’t want to hurt you.”
Eventually, when Hazel slept, her dreams were filled with tiny porcelain dolls. Each one gave a feeble cry as, one by one, she smashed them against a wall. She woke abruptly, with a strangled scream tearing her throat. What was she thinking of? What was she doing?
The shabby room was gloomy, and Hazel was having second thoughts about what she was planning to do but didn’t know how to stop what was happening. She felt she was on a runaway train, like one she’d seen in a film, and she couldn’t get off it. Her head swam with all the gin she’d consumed, giving everything an unreal quality.
Ally was sitting beside her on a chair, holding her hand. Hazel was laying on a hard table with a sheet covering her lower half.
The woman had washed her hands in a large bucket and was now arranging some shiny instruments in an enamel bowl.
“What’s that for?” Hazel pointed to a long, slim, needle-shaped thing with a small hook at the end of it.
“You don’t need to concern yourself, love. Just take another swallow of gin, and when you’re ready, I’ll soon get rid of your little inconvenience.”
Hazel had already handed over her savings to the woman but now began to worry what Mrs Bridges planned to do to her. The instruments looked as if they could inflict serious injury to her and to the baby. Her foggy mind remembered her dreams of tiny dolls. She’d smashed them, and they’d screamed. She didn’t want to hurt her baby.
She didn’t want any more to drink. She’d already drunk half the small bottle and was feeling ill. She handed the gin to Ally. “I don’t want any more.”
“But you must, Hazel. It will numb the pain.” Ally pushed the gin back into her hand.
“How will you get rid of it?” Hazel asked Mrs Bridges, trying her best to concentrate and bring the room into focus. “Will it hurt? Will the baby feel any pain?”
“What’s with all the questions?” the woman sounded exasperated.
Hazel didn’t like feeling out of control, and drinking all that gin had made her feel strange. “I have a right to know what you’re going to do. I paid you good money, so tell me!”
Ally patted her arm. “There, now, Hazel. This lady will help you. No need to be rude.”
“Have you had this done, Ally?” Hazel asked, seeing two faces of her friend. She blinked, squinted, and brought the two faces together. “Have you had an abortion?”
Ally nodded. “It’s all right, Hazel. It will soon be over, and then you can get on with your life as if it never happened.”
“Listen to your friend, Hazel.” Mrs Bridges came close. “Now open your legs for me.” The woman pushed the sheet back, exposing Hazel’s privates.
Hazel watched her select the long needle and bring it between her legs.
“No!” Hazel clamped her legs together, making the woman drop the instrument. “You are not putting that thing inside me. Do you know what you’re doing?”
“Hazel!” Ally passed her the bottle of gin. “Take another drink. I don’t think you’ve had enough yet.”
“I don’t want any more. I made a mistake. I don’t want this.” She tried to sit up but her head felt woozy, and she fell back on the table. “Help me, Ally. I don’t want to do this.”
“All the same to me, love.” The woman patted her apron pocket. “You won’t get your money back. I already paid for the gin and the rent of the room.”
“You can keep the money. You’re not going to touch me with them things.” She pointed to the bowl of shiny instruments. “It isn’t the baby’s fault that I’m in this pickle. I can’t kill the baby.” Tears rolled down her cheeks. “Help me, Ally. I don’t want her to touch me, or my baby!”
“Have it your way, love.” Mrs Bridges picked up her bucket and bowl. “But don’t come crying to me in another few months’ when you can’t hide your belly. I won’t be able to help you then!”
Ally gripped her arm tightly. “Think about this, Hazel. Are you sure this is what you want?”
Hazel nodded. “Please, get me out of here.”
The two girls walked around the small town of Ossett for a few hours to give Hazel time to sober up. When they caught the bus home, Hazel felt ill and had the worst headache she’d ever had in her life. She vowed never to drink alcohol again.
“What will you do now?” Ally asked. “Will you tell your sweetheart?”
“I’ll have to, won’t I?” Hazel wasn’t looking forward to the confrontation. “I hope he’ll understand why I couldn’t go through with getting rid of it.”
“What about your parents? They’ll have to be told, won’t they?”
Hazel felt bile rise in her throat. She couldn’t think about her parents. They were going to be shocked and so disappointed in her. How could she face them? How could she face Cynthia, people at church, her neighbours…? She shook her head slowly. Perhaps she should have gone through with the abortion after all.
“Are you regretting your change of mind?” Ally seemed to read her mind.
“No!” Hazel was certain she’d made the right choice in letting her baby live. “This is my mistake, and I’ll be the one to face the consequences. Not my baby.”
“I think you’re very brave.”
Hazel smiled sadly. “I wouldn’t go that far, Ally. I’m scared stiff of what’s to come.”
Chapter 18 – Consequences
Hazel knew she should tell Glenn about the baby first. He was the father and deserved to be the first to know, but she hadn’t seen him all week. He was working the late shift, and so she hadn’t expected him at the café, but she was finding it frustrating to keep her news to herself.
She didn’t dare confide in Eunice yet. She’d sat with Eunice in the Simpson’s parlour every evening, working on her new dress, but she couldn’t confess her secret. She knew Eunice suspected something, but her friend hadn’t spoken about a possible pregnancy in days. Hazel knew Eunice would not be shocked, but her friend would be disappointed in her and upset for her. A baby would change everything. It might even be the end of their friendship. Eunice’s parents might not want their daughter to associate with someone like Hazel, once they found out what she’d done.
“We only have the hem to do now, and then it’s done. Should I put it on?” Eunice lifted the dress from the table. “You can pin it up for me, and I can make a start on the sewing before I go to bed.”
“A
ll right.” Hazel watched her friend dash to her bedroom to try on the dress. She heard her footsteps thundering up the stairs and smiled. Eunice was so excited about the summer ball. Kenny had already asked Mr and Mrs Simpson for permission to walk out with their daughter. Everything was above board for Eunice. She was happy for her.
A loud banging on the front door interrupted her thoughts, and she heard Mr Simpson hurry down the short hallway to answer the urgent knock.
“Oh, good Lord!” Mr Simpson exclaimed loudly. “Whatever has happened to you, Ray?”
Hazel went to see what the commotion was about and was almost pushed over by Kenny who was helping a bleeding Raymond into the house.
“Some blokes jumped him outside the Crown. Bloody cowards!” Kenny half dragged and half carried his injured friend into the kitchen. “Three of them against one, I ask you!”
“Who did this!” Mr Simpson demanded. “I’ll have the police on to them, so I will!”
“You’ll be lucky, Mr Simpson.” Kenny gently helped Raymond into a kitchen chair. “They wore balaclavas so no one would recognise them!”
Hazel hovered by the door, afraid for poor Raymond. His mouth was swollen and bleeding. One of his eyes was swollen so badly it was closed. His face was already turning purple and blue. His bright blond hair was streaked and matted with blood.
“What is it?” Eunice pushed passed Hazel. “Ray! Oh, my goodness? What happened to you?”
Mr Simpson put an arm around Eunice. “Go fetch your mam from Fanny’s house. It’s the Beetle-Drive over there tonight.”
Eunice flew from the house with her hand over her mouth.
“What can I do to help, Mr Simpson?” Hazel asked, staring at poor Raymond holding his chest. He was gasping with every breath. “Should I run for the doctor?”
“Aye, lass.” Eunice’s father was now kneeling beside his son. “Good idea. By the look of things, our Ray might have some broken ribs.”
“Oh, no!” She hurried out of the house, not stopping to get her coat, and she ran as fast as she could to the doctor’s house. As she hurried through the dark streets, she wondered who might do such a terrible thing to Raymond. Eunice’s older brother was a mild-mannered young man who wouldn’t offend anyone. What reason could anybody have for wanting to hurt him so badly?
Happiness for Hazel Page 17