Lara started toward the head of the drive. She looked both ways, but Hank’s car wasn’t up either end of the street.
“We’re not going to make it, sweetie.”
The air turned colder. Lara had rushed outside without thinking to grab her cardigan. She had no protection. The wind bit into her skin like lashes from a whip. “Why not?”
“We’re at the hospital right now.”
Lara stared ahead, eyes fixed on the end of the road. Any second her father would pull up and tell her this was all a prank.
“What happened?”
Hank’s voice crackled on the other end of the line. For a second, Lara thought he’d hung up, and for a second she wished he had. If he didn’t tell her the story, then it wasn’t real.
“She stopped breathing.”
Lara stopped breathing too.
“Is she okay?”
Silence.
“I don’t know,” Hank said. “I don’t know. Your mom and I are still waiting.”
There was a rustle of fabric on the other end of the line, followed by a jostling of the phone.
“I’ll be there,” Lara said, and the promise was the only thing that convinced her body to move against the wind.
Was there ever a point where it was appropriate to stop calling a waiting room a waiting room? What if the bad news being waited on had already been delivered? What if no one knew what they were waiting for? What if someone was waiting for something that would never happen?
The hospital lights were too bright, and the grief of everyone around her was too much to handle. Legs tucked against her chest, Lara pressed her knees into her forehead like a bad headache. The pain was the only thing she allowed herself to feel, and she closed her eyes to savor the sensation.
A flash of light disrupted the dark cocoon she’d created for herself. She opened her eyes to see her phone blink up at her from her lap. 6:06 p.m. Betty had passed over an hour ago. Lara was so distracted thinking about the time that she barely caught sight of the text notification before her phone screen faded to black.
I’m back. Be in with you in a second.
The smiling picture of Paige and Cosmo on the screen almost made Lara feel something for a split second, and there was a definite murmur in her heart when she felt a body sink into the seat beside her. A strong arm wrapped around her back, and Lara abandoned the comfort of her own lap to curl into Paige’s side and fall into the embrace.
“How are you doing?” Paige asked. Her voice was nearly a whisper in Lara’s ear. They weren’t alone in the waiting room, but they were off in their own little world together regardless.
How did Lara respond to a question like that?
“Right,” Paige said. “Stupid question.” There was a bite in her voice. Lara could feel her wince. “Did everyone else leave? Are your parents still here?”
“They all went home. I told my parents I was going to stay with you tonight.” Lara’s voice was hoarse, but her words came out more level than they should have. She should be crying. She should be choking and sniffling and forcing her lips to stop quivering, but she couldn’t bring herself to feel anything. Her voice was steady and monotone. If she didn’t feel her mouth forming the words, she wouldn’t have recognized them as her own. “I can’t believe she’s gone. Just like that. She was supposed to come home today. She was supposed to be better. She was supposed to die peacefully in her own bed, not in a hospital.”
Paige hugged her a little tighter. She smelled like jasmine, and the scent was so soothing compared to the clinical smell that hung over the hospital. Lara never wanted to leave her side; Paige’s arm around her felt like the only slice of happiness she had left.
“I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” Lara said. “She was out of it before I got here, and I never got a chance to talk to her before she…” Lara couldn’t force the words out of her mouth even if she wanted to. It was out of her hands. Everything was.
“She knows how much you love her,” Paige said. “You didn’t need to say it for her to know. Everything you’ve ever done for her said it for you.”
Lara hoped so. “It’s not fair.”
“You’re right,” Paige said. “It’s not. Nothing is. We all lose people eventually, and it sucks every time. All you can do is look back on the good times and appreciate the time that you did have with those people. You two had thirty great years with each other, and I promise that she loved each and every one of them as much as you did.”
“More,” Lara said. “I was a kid for most of it. I never appreciated her as much as I should have. She loved me more.”
Paige fell silent. The noises of the hospital returned to Lara’s consciousness. Sneakers scuffed on polished tiles. Gentle whimpers reached her from the other side of the waiting room. An ambulance activated its sirens outside.
“Why don’t we get out of here?” Paige asked. “I packed some clothes for you. I fed Rocket. You don’t have to worry about anything. Let’s get you back to my place where you can have a nice bath and settle down. I’ll make you food and make sure you fall asleep, okay?”
Lara nodded. She hadn’t been able to bear the thought of going home like this was any other normal day. She couldn’t tuck herself into her cushy bed in her nice house and wake up in the morning and follow her normal routine. Staying with Paige was the only way she’d get through this night.
Lara’s legs were weak as Paige guided her back out into the real world. It was darker than she’d thought it would be, calmer, too quiet. She felt guilty for enjoying the fresh air and the smell of recent rainfall. All things Betty would never experience again. Trapping herself in the front seat of Paige’s car was refreshingly claustrophobic. She strapped the seatbelt tight against her chest and squeezed Paige’s hand in her lap even tighter. Neither of them let go during the ride.
At Paige’s place, she felt just as out of control as she had at the hospital, but here Paige was around to be in control for her. It was nice to hand over the reins to someone she could trust.
“I could run you a bath. I have those salts that smell like lavender.” Paige posed it like a question. It was Lara’s choice.
A bath sounded as good as anything else. “Sure. Thank you.”
Paige slipped into the master bath, and the roar of the faucet filled the house. Lara waited in the bedroom, tucking the sheets across the corner of the bed to give herself something to do. An image of her own smile caught her eye: Paige hadn’t removed the picture of them. In fact, she’d added another. The twin smiles stared up at her, and for the first time, the photos didn’t feel like ancient relics of another time.
She looked the same. Paige looked the same. The photos could have been taken days ago. She hadn’t realized how happy she had been over the last few days until she had this moment to compare it to.
The spout creaked as Paige turned the water off. Lara let herself be caught admiring the photos as Paige exited the bathroom.
“Bath’s ready,” Paige said. “I’ll make you dinner. Give you a little time alone.”
But Lara didn’t feel alone. Paige was still near. Her footsteps were in the kitchen, as was the banging of pots as she rummaged through her cabinets. And that was good. Lara wasn’t sure she really wanted privacy right now. She stripped, slipped into the water, and let the steam engulf her. The bath was too hot, and it turned her thighs red where the water swallowed her, but the scald felt nice, and the scent of lavender soothed away the pain.
When was the last time Lara had taken a bath? It was probably four years ago, with Paige taking up half of the tub and a bottle of wine precariously balanced on the ledge between the shampoo and conditioner. Lara worked the former into her scalp and tried to stimulate memories of better times.
A series of knocks sounded on the door, and Lara brought her head above water. A ring of suds cascaded around her. “You can come in.”
Paige did. She kept her eyes on the tile, purposefully avoiding looking at Lara’s body. Gently, she placed
a folded towel and Lara’s nightgown on top of the sink.
“You’ve seen me naked, Paige. You can look.”
Paige’s face turned red. The sauna-like heat of the room didn’t help to hide her blush. “Sorry.” Paige chanced a glance, meeting Lara’s eye, but only after a moment of taking in the rest of her, too. “The food’s ready whenever you’re done.”
“Thanks.”
Paige dropped her gaze back to the floor and slinked out of the room, leaving the door cracked behind her. The chill of the air nipped at Lara when she stepped out of the tub, but the warmth returned as she stepped into her clothes.
Lara wasn’t sure what dinner would look like, but breakfast in bed wasn’t what she’d expected. Paige had set up a TV tray with a stack of pancakes and a glass of orange juice on the left side of the bed. Lara’s side.
“This is surreal.”
“You’ll probably feel like that for a while,” Paige said, settling into her side of the mattress. While Lara was changing into pajamas, Paige had done the same. “Give it time.”
“I meant this.” Lara gestured to the tray. “You used to make me breakfast in bed all the time. Birthdays. Anniversaries.”
“I know. You love breakfast in bed.”
Lara rounded the bed. She saw the picture of herself again and the clock beside it. It was late. Lara felt tired, but not in a sleepy way. “Usually breakfast in bed happens in the morning.”
Paige leaned back against the headboard and shrugged. “There’s no bad time for pancakes.”
Lara shook her head as she sat down and moved the tray into her lap. “That’s because pancakes are the only food you know how to make.”
“Why be a jack-of-all-trades when you can master the only food that matters?
Lara chuckled, but the rumble of her body only made her stomach more uneasy. “I’m not feeling too hungry.”
“You should eat something. At least take a couple bites for me?”
Lara obliged, cutting the cakes into neat triangles. The dough dissolved into a sickly sweet cloud of butter and syrup on her tongue.
“I should have made silver dollar pancakes,” Paige said. “It’s a new recipe I’m trying out. Well, the exact same recipe, but smaller portions. Doc says I should cut back on sugar.” It was a joke, but Lara wasn’t laughing. “Shit, I shouldn’t have mentioned doctors, should I?”
Her words made Lara’s blood run cold. She took a sip of orange juice to kick start her system. “It’s fine.”
“Sorry. I use the whole humor-as-a-coping-mechanism thing. It seemed like you could use a laugh.”
The next bite went down a little easier, but she was already full. She moved the tray to the nightstand. Her head found the nook of Paige’s shoulder. “You don’t have to make me laugh. Just be here with me.”
“I’m not going anywhere.”
“Promise?”
“Promise.”
Lara welcomed Paige’s kiss, then welcomed sleep.
CHAPTER 20
“Today is all about you,” Paige said. “Whatever you want to do, it’s on me. I’ll take you anywhere you want to go.”
Could Paige take her back in time?
So far Paige had taken her home to drop off her dirty clothes and feed Rocket, and if Lara had her way, that would’ve been the only place they went today. All she wanted to do was mourn in bed, but Paige wouldn’t let her, citing some bullshit theory about staying active and carrying on with life instead of letting the grief take over. Lara wasn’t sure there was anything to do or anywhere to go that could stop her from feeling empty.
“I told you. All I had scheduled for today was to get my phone fixed.”
“And that’s why we’re here.” Paige gestured to the bustling maze of shops around them. “But I mean after this. There’s got to be something else you want to do.”
No. Lara didn’t want to do anything, but she also didn’t want to think about what had happened. Her skin felt rice-paper thin, and her muscles were jumpy and anxious. One wrong move could push her over the edge, and she didn’t know what would be at the bottom of the ravine. She had to stay as far away from the cliff as possible. “Not really.”
“Well, we’re already at the mall, and we have to wait for the tech guys to fix your phone anyway,” Paige said. “We may as well do something while we’re here. It’ll be like our mall dates back in OKC.”
It was not like their mall dates back in OKC. Back in OKC, she and Paige were innocent kids with their whole lives ahead of them, and the malls in Oklahoma City had more than fifteen stores, and actual food courts instead of a single cafeteria that only old people ate at. Looking at the diner’s sign at the end of the hallway reminded Lara of Betty having luncheons with her friends. The smell of the roast wafting from inside made her nauseous. “This isn’t a date, Paige.”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night—which was me last night, in case you’d forgotten.”
Lara rolled her eyes, but she couldn’t stop the small smile forming on her face when she saw Paige’s. It was nice to feel her frown ease. At least one of them could still feel humorous. “Slow down, Casanova.” Lara wasn’t ready to think about what they were—analyzing what it all meant required thinking, and that was not on the day’s agenda. “We’re just here to get my phone fixed.”
Paige sighed as they walked further away from the Apple Store. They were lingering in the middle of the aisle, taking short steps and making little progress on their journey to an undetermined destination. “What’s up with you getting your phone fixed anyway? I thought you were getting a new one.”
Lara shrugged. “I changed my mind. It’s not totally broken, and it’s worth saving.”
Lara had forgotten how much she liked malls. This mall wasn’t great, but if there was one place in Perry that could be described as busy, it was here, and Lara liked busy places. The building was so full of life that it distracted Lara from the life she’d lost. Her grandmother was gone, and Lara couldn’t follow her normal routine anymore, but the rest of the world could. Lara couldn’t decide if the general indifference to her radically altered life was morbid or comforting.
“Okay,” Paige said. Her hand found Lara’s and laced their fingers together. Lara didn’t have the energy to stop her. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to. “We have to do something while we wait. You can pick. Either we eat lunch, or you let me take you on an adventure.”
“Ugh.” Those sounded like Lara’s least two favorite things. She squeezed Paige’s fingers a little harder than necessary as a subtle threat. “I pick option C: none of the above.”
“Adventure it is, then.” Paige tugged on her arm so hard that Lara thought her shoulder might pop out of its socket. Paige picked up her pace, and Lara had no option but to rush to keep up with her.
“I know this won’t help,” Paige said, “but every time I’m sad, I go to Bath and Body Works and smell things. It never solves any of my problems, but sometimes it’s nice to waste money on a mango-scented bath bomb, then go home and pretend you’re at the beach in the tropics reading a book and drinking a glass of wine.” Paige paused for a moment as she let Lara cross the threshold of the store first. “Or, in your case, grape juice? I think I have grape juice at home.”
Lara wanted to be mad, but that was difficult when her nose was clogged with the scent of coconut and passion fruit so potent that it transported Lara to an imaginary tropical island where only she and Paige existed. Like Paige said, this definitely wasn’t going to solve any of her problems, but if Lara had to spend her waiting time adventuring, then candle-smelling was a level of escapade that she could handle.
“Pick anything you want,” Paige said. “My treat.”
But Lara didn’t want anything. She’d never felt so numb in her life. Any other day she might have been excited over the prospect of trying a new mixed-berry-scented lotion or an avocado face mask, but that type of luxury was the last thing on her mind right now.
Paige busied herself with a s
election of body wash sprinkled with seaweed glitter, and Lara pretended to pay more attention to the products than the people around them. This was not the kind of place Lara frequented, and, yet, in true Perry fashion, she felt like she knew everyone here. The woman in her mid-forties with the “can I speak to your manager” haircut was the soccer mom who bragged that her lemon bars outsold April’s peanut butter fudge every year at the annual bake sale. The woman trying and failing to hide the miniature Yorkie in her giant purse was the same woman Genie used to catch doing the same thing in the library.
This judging people based on nothing but secondhand stories thing was kind of fun when it was harmless like this. Lara could see why the Perry gossip vine had grown so strong. Then she spotted someone that she truly did know.
Kerry was in line at the register, and she wasn’t alone. At first, Lara assumed the woman beside Kerry invading her personal space was passive-aggressively trying to cut her in line. But then the two made pointed eye contact, and a smile and a laugh followed. The woman was acting too familiar to be a rude stranger, and her suddenly obviously gay flannel shirt should have given away what she was to Kerry. Kerry was holding her items in one hand and the other woman’s in the other.
“Holy shit, that’s my ex.”
Lara was thinking the words but wasn’t the one who said them. It was Paige.
Paige ducked behind a display stand like a poorly hidden protagonist in a children’s cartoon. “Okay, don’t panic,” she said, as if Lara was the one panicking, not her. “Remember when I told you I’d only been on one date since you left? It was a one-night stand a couple years ago, and I don’t know if she remembers me, but we should still get out of here. I’ll buy you lotion some other time, I promise.”
Paige grabbed Lara’s hand and tugged her out of the store; Lara was forced to stash the shampoo she was holding on a shelf of conditioner. They were halfway across the mall by the time Paige stopped power walking.
“See, this is what happens when you live in Perry,” Lara said, mildly annoyed. “All of the lesbians have slept with each other, and you can’t go anywhere without running into an ex or an ex of an ex and making things awkward.”
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