“She’s not doing good.” That’s all I can get out now. The other words won’t come. I’m all choked up. I move a couple steps over, ignoring the look on her face, ignoring the pleading of her eyes to tell her what’s going on.
“Is she not responding to the new treatment?” Emma asks. Her and Ma talk a little about the treatments, but it’s just small talk.
Emma doesn’t know the details. She doesn’t even know that Ma’s technically on hospice. The doctors are just waiting for her to die. I had to keep fighting for this. I had to keep getting the medicine for her. I’m trying not to give up hope even when she does. I’m trying not to anyway, just desperately trying to hold on. But in the last few days, hope has been slipping away.
“It’s not that,” I say as I pour the whiskey into the short glass. If Emma wasn’t here, I wouldn’t even bother with it. I’d be drinking straight from the bottle.
“What is it?” she asks me. Her voice is so small, it’s full of fear.
“I don’t know what to do.” I give her that much, but I can’t tell her exactly what I’m talking about. I can’t give that to her. I’m afraid that the more I give her, the more she'll see me and the reality of my life. The more she’ll realize that she shouldn’t be with me.
“You’re smart, Sweetheart,” I say and take a sip of my whiskey before looking at her. She’s gripping the granite countertop tightly, looking at me like she’s barely holding on for dear life. “Tell me what to do.”
“You’re smart, too,” she says softly. She takes a small step closer to me, her hands rubbing soothing circles on my back. I know she means it to be comforting, but all I want to do is push her away right now. I don’t want to be comforted. I realize I don’t even want a distraction as I take another sip of the burning whiskey. I slam the glass down on the counter and almost shove her back, but I don’t. I can’t take this shit anymore.
But I can’t risk losing her and having no one. Even though that’s what I deserve.
“I can’t figure out what to do,” I tell Emma. “There’s no way to win.”
“Sometimes it’s not up to you.” Emma stares straight at me as she says the words.
I shake my head and insist, “You can always do something. There’s always a choice. Even if you’re making the wrong choice, it’s up to you.”
“You’re wrong,” she says and stops rubbing the soothing circles on my back. She shakes her head, saying, “Sometimes you don’t get a say. Sometimes it’s just the way life is.”
In that moment I love her for her honesty, but I hate that she said it. I wish she’d just lied to me.
I close my eyes and reach for the whiskey, but her hand grips my wrist.
“Don’t do this, Derek,” she says with a strong voice. “You know she doesn’t want to see you like this. This isn’t the way to handle it.”
“I don’t want to see her like that!” I yell. My voice is harsh, and I instantly regret it. The look on Emma’s face is like I slapped her. The room is quiet for a long time. I swirl the whiskey around in the glass and then bring it to my lips. I just want to get lost in the alcohol. “Tell me what to do then, Emma,” I say in a low voice.
“First, you need to kiss me,” she says in a shaky voice. “You need to know that no matter what happens, I’m still gonna be here.” She takes the glass from my hand and dumps the whiskey down the sink, placing the glass on the countertop before looking back up at me. She pushes herself between the counter and my chest, her body touching mine.
I lower my head, putting my lips to hers as she cups my jaw. It’s not a kiss like any other kiss we’ve had, not at first. But she doesn’t let me go until I soften my lips. Until they mold to hers. My arms wrap around her small body. I hold onto her tightly as she kisses me back fiercely, refusing to let me go until I feel like I’m falling to pieces around her.
She finally pulls away from me, visibly swallowing, her eyes on my lips. She lays her head on my chest. “Some days are going to be hard.” She takes a deep breath. “Some days you’re not gonna know what to do. Some days you won’t even remember.”
I want to pull away from her at the last line, realizing what she’s talking about. But she holds me tighter, and she keeps going without waiting for me to even acknowledge how fucked up that sounds. I don’t wanna talk about what it’s going to be like when Ma’s gone.
“And when you realize you've forgotten, when you have a good moment and you realize that you weren’t thinking about her, you might even hate yourself.”
I suck in a breath; I hate thinking about this. I hate feeling like this.
“But she wants you to be happy, Derek.” She looks up at me, her hazel eyes pleading with me. The green swirls and blue specks shine brightly over the glassy tears in her hazel eyes. “She wants you to have a life after she’s gone.”
I shake my head. “I’m not ready for that,” I barely whisper, my voice breaking. “I promised her.” I wipe the bastard tears from my eyes, sniffling and trying to pull away from her, but she doesn’t let me. I don’t want her to see me like this. I don’t want to be the weak man I am right now. “I promised her when I was a kid that I’d make sure she’d be all right.” I take an unsteady breath, calming myself slightly at the memory. Pops had just left. I knew Ma wasn’t healthy, and the late nights at the diner were only draining the life from her faster. “I told her that she’d beat this. I promised her that she’d live to see a hundred.”
Emma parts her lips, but doesn’t say anything. Her eyes are filled with so much sadness. Her voice cracks as she says, “Some things are out of our control. You made a promise you can’t keep.”
I JOG down the stairs on my way out to go see Emma. I almost leave without saying bye to Ma. It’s pretty late and I know she went down for a nap earlier, but I want to make sure I see her before I go. It’s a good habit to be in, just so she knows where I am. I see her door's open as I walk toward it to stand in the doorway. My hands grip the molding on the outside, and I lean into the doorway slightly. “Hey, Ma.” I still feel like shit from the other day. It’s been a couple days since Emma was over and I could barely keep it together in front of Ma. She hasn’t mentioned it or brought it up though. That’s what Ma does, she never holds anything against me. It’s what she’s always done, and that’s what I do, too.
She looks up at me, the thin-rimmed glasses on her face slipping down her nose slightly. She closes the thick romance novel in her hands and sets it beside her. “You going out?” I take a few steps into the room, and she keeps on going. “Are you going to go see Emma tonight?” Her brows are raised, and I almost blush from the look on her face.
“I was going to.” I sag into the seat next to her bed.
“I think that girl is good for you, Derek,” she says as she nods her head slightly.
“You just like her because she likes your dirty books, too.” I nod at the book in her hands as I add, “She’s supporting your habit," I joke. I never thought the two of them would have something like that in common.
“It makes me happy to see you so happy, Derek.” Ma’s voice is a little bit more serious. It catches me off guard.
I nod, looking at the thick comforter on Ma’s bed. “She definitely makes me happy. ”Ma’s pale blue eyes seem to get a little bit brighter as her expression softens. It’s a look I don’t remember ever seeing on her face. She clears her throat and brings the comforter up closer around her waist and picks her book back up. “You better go to her then,” she murmurs as she opens her book and pushes her glasses back up her nose. “That girl loves you, Derek; I can see it.” She doesn’t look at me as she says the words. She peeks up at me without moving her head as I rise from the seat. “And you love her too, don’t you?”
“Come on, Ma.” I shoo away her question, tossing my hand in the air and walking toward the door.
“Do your mama a favor and be honest with me right now. It’s something I need to know, Derek.” The look on her face is completely serious, and again I do
n’t anticipate it.
I think about it, really think about my feelings for Emma. But the truth is, I started loving her a long time ago, and I never stopped. This is nothing new; the love I have for her has been constant. It’s only grown if anything. I grip the handle on the door and nod my head as I say, “Yeah, Ma. I think I love her.”
Ma shakes her head slightly and says, “I know you do.” She sits back in her bed, getting comfortable. “Could you go ahead and shut that door for me, baby?”
I've been so used to her leaving it open, I didn’t think about closing it. “Yeah, love you, Ma.” She gives me a soft smile as she says, “I know you do. And I love you, too. Don’t you ever forget that.”
CHAPTER 15
Emma
* * *
I’M GOING to miss this when I leave for school. That's all I can think as I lie under the comforter in Sandra’s guest room with Derek. This moment feels right, it feels safe. But it’s going to be gone before I know it.
Ever since he broke down and told me about his mom, things have been different. He's finally opening up to me instead of pushing me away. And I feel closer to him than ever before. I've fallen for him. Completely. I'm in love with Derek Wade. The thought makes me want to kiss him and run from him all at the same time. Either way, I’d be left breathless.
“What are you thinking?” he asks me.
He's running his fingers through my hair as I lie with my head on his chest. The sound of his heartbeat is steady and soothing. My fingers lazily trace circles on his bare chest. This moment is so close to being perfect.
“I'm just happy right now,” I answer as I continue to caress his chest, moving down to his stomach. Right now being the words he won’t register as important.
“Yeah? I'm feeling pretty happy right now, too. Thanks to you,” he says and kisses the top of my head.
I lick my lips and try to get rid of the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“I can't believe my break is almost over. I’m not looking forward to going back next week,” I admit. I’m dreading being so far apart from Derek, especially with how sick his mom is. He pulls me closer, resting both hands on my hip. I can't believe how much has happened in the past four weeks. I don't want this to end. If only you could pause time and live in a single moment forever.
“I’m not going to like you being so far away, but it's only for a few months. And I'll definitely be coming down to see you,” he says as he runs his hand down my back. “We’ll make this work. Don't worry, sweetheart.” He kisses my hair and runs his hand up and down my arm as he says, “You know I can't stay away from you for long.”
I pick my head up off his sculpted chest to kiss him.
My body reacts the moment our lips touch. We've spent most of the day in bed, and I still want more. I’m not sure I'll ever get enough of him. Thank God Sandra and Tony are at Tony’s for the weekend.
He slowly kisses down my jaw to my neck. He's already hard again, I can feel him pressing insistently against my hip. As I go to climb on top of him, his phone rings.
A chill sweeps through my body, killing the mood. Who would be calling him so late?
He doesn’t make a move to go for it. “Do you need to get that?”
“No, it's not important,” he says as he continues kissing down my neck.
“But what if it's someone from work?” I ask as I slide off him, ignoring how his hands at my hip are trying to hold me to him.
He strokes my cheek softly. “It doesn't matter, sweetheart. When I'm with you, I'm with you. No one else matters.” He pulls me on top of him and starts kissing my collarbone, running his hand down my back to my ass.
His phone starts ringing again. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up, and I have a bad feeling about this. “Are you sure?” I ask, glancing at his phone and then back at him.
I know his mom has a different ringtone, so it’s not her. It’s not his house calling, but I don’t like it. I have a really bad fucking feeling.
“I'm positive. Come on, it's late. Let’s get some sleep,” he says and he pulls me closer to him. He covers us both with the down comforter, and wraps his arm around my waist.
I hope it isn't anything important and that it’s just my paranoia. I try focusing on his steady heartbeat and rhythmic breathing.
But a moment later it goes off again. I push off of him and give him a look.
He sighs with exasperation and crawls out of bed, walking over to the dresser to check his phone, the third call going to voicemail before he’s able to answer.
He puts his phone to his ear to listen to his voicemail. I pull my knees up to my chest as I wait for him to tell me everything is okay and that he was right. But my heart stills in my chest as his expression changes.
The blood drains from his face. It’s bad. Whatever’s happened is bad. Fuck. My heart squeezes into a painful knot.
“I have to go,” he says, pulling his jeans on and stepping into his shoes.
I’m already out of bed, grabbing a pair of yoga pants off the floor and trying to put them on quickly. “What is it, what’s wrong?”
“It’s my Ma, I have to go. I’ll call you later,” he says, turning toward the door.
Pulling a hoodie over my head and not bothering with a bra, I yell, “Derek! Wait! Is she okay? I'll come with you!”
“I’ll be fine. Just stay here. I'll call you later,” he says shortly. Goosebumps prick over every inch of my skin at his rejection. Is he really pushing me away right now? He knows I know how close he and his mom are. If she’s not okay, I want to be there.
“Let me come with you. Let me be there for you,” I beg him while grabbing a pair of socks.
“Emma, I don't fucking have time for this! Stay here. I'll talk to you later,” he yells as he storms out of the room. I can’t believe him. I know he’s hurting right now, but he can’t just push me away like this. He knows as well as I do that he needs someone. I need someone too.
He’s not emotionally stable right now; he’s not going to be able to handle this. He’s hurting, and he needs someone. Everything in me is telling me that he’s going to need me. I run after him, banging the door against the wall and chasing him down the stairs.
The front door slams before I’m able to get to him. I stare at it, my mouth open and lungs barely functioning.
After a moment, my body starts trembling. I always listen to him. I never tell him no. And that’s my fault. It’s going to ruin me. But listening to him right now is going to ruin us. I can’t let it happen. I know it with everything in me.
I head back upstairs to put my sneakers on. I'm not going to listen to him this time. Fuck that. Something’s wrong, and he needs me.
I grab my phone to text Sandra to see if she knows what's going on. Hopefully, Tony told her about whatever’s going on with his mom.
I slow my steps, my heart pausing. His mom. I shake my head, my throat closing as I think about seeing her yesterday. No, she’s going to be okay. I swallow the spiked lump that’s suffocating me and ignore it. Brushing the tears from my eyes I throw my hair up into a bun, grab my wristlet and my keys then head downstairs.
I'm checking my phone what seems like every thirty seconds. For Sandra, for Derek. I just want to know what’s going on. I stifle the emotions threatening to cripple me. I focus on my breathing and on Derek snapping at me like that.
The anger comes back and it’s easy for me to ignore the pain.
I can't believe he expects me to just sit back and let him handle this on his own. He can't just push me aside and take on something like this alone.
I climb in my car, the freezing cold sending a chill down my spine, turning my breath to fog in front of my face, and my phone dings. Sandra finally texted me back. I turn the key, bringing my car to life before checking her text.
My mouth goes dry and my heart stops when I read her message, my entire body feeling like ice; Derek’s mom died.
CHAPTER 16
Derek
I press my palms to my eyes, hating the bitch tears.
I knew she was going to leave me soon, but I didn’t want to believe it. Nothing could prepare me for this. There’s an emptiness inside my chest that I don’t think will ever be filled. And if it is, I don’t want to live to see that day.
Tony’s in the corner of the room with red-rimmed eyes. His nose is red, too. He has a box of tissues that’s half gone. The rest are crumpled up in the trashcan.
It’s just the two of us; Ma’s not here anymore.
They pronounced her dead and took her away. They said she died in her sleep.
I stand up and walk to the window of the dining room, looking out at the snow. It’s going to be cold when we bury her. I guess that’s the way it should be.
I take in a ragged breath. Emma’s been helping me. She’s been preparing me. It’s different for her since it’s not her mother. But she has a softness about her. A way that she eases reason into me. I didn’t want to let go of Ma.
But I knew it was coming. Everyone knew what was coming. I wish I could’ve fought it for her. I wish I could’ve traded places with her. My heart clenches in my chest and another sob threatens to go through me, but I shut it down.
The cops and ambulance just left. It’s funny how people look at you when your mother’s gone. No one’s looked at me like that since high school. Maybe even since before then. Maybe since middle school when I’d show up with bruises on my arms from when Pops used to beat me. Maybe it’s really been that long since someone has looked at me with such sympathy in their eyes.
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