by Vera Hollins
But he was also a guy who would do anything for his family, and he cared for Eli the way I cared for Steven. He was there for me on the day of Steven’s funeral, wrapping his firm arms around me and letting me cry against him, when we’d been nothing more than enemies. He’d shielded me from that branch when I’d tried to get Pigi to safety, and then he’d gotten me that lizard, which, for some reason, I slept with. He’d gotten that much under my skin.
Gray all over the place.
It was moments such as this that made my defenses crumble. It was moments like this that made me feel—just for a tiny second—that maybe he wouldn’t stab me in the back. Maybe he was the realest thing that had ever happened to me.
So, I told him the truth. I let myself open up.
“I wouldn’t give you a chance because my scars are too deep, and I’m too afraid. Afraid of guys. Afraid of their touches. Afraid of you. I would constantly expect you to destroy me just like he did.”
I closed my eyes and sent the text on an uneven breath. I told him. He’d already guessed I’d been raped. This confession couldn’t be more humiliating than that.
Still, my heart was pounding too hard as I waited for his answer. From the corner of my eye, I observed him staring at his phone with his thumbs hovering over his screen. He wasn’t laughing. There wasn’t a single trace of amusement on his face. I risked sneaking a full-on glance and found a mixture of pain and anger contorting his face, much to my surprise.
And then he was typing. Furiously.
“I wish I could kill him. I’m no saint, but I’d never force a girl to do anything. If I ever do sleep with you, you’ll want it.”
How was it possible to feel desire and deep pain at the same moment? His words created chaos in my heart. I smiled woefully.
“Don’t you get it? I can’t let myself sleep with you.”
“Not if I gain your trust first,” he texted me, but then Ms. Davis directed her attention our way, and further texting was impossible.
Not if I gain your trust first.
These words had invaded my mind, to be repeated ceaselessly. I’d reread that text a dozen of times just to make sure I hadn’t imagined them.
They could mean so many things. They could mean he was playing me, acting in a grand scheme that would end with me annihilated and in an asylum. 99% chance.
They could mean he wanted me so badly he was ready to change his behavior temporarily by doing a one eighty to have me. 0.8% chance.
They could mean he was genuine and there were no bad intentions behind it. 0.2% chance.
And if he were actually genuine, tough luck, because he would need to donate a kidney, go help starving children in India, organize a campaign against global warming, and spend ten years without sex to gain my trust. He would need a miracle to gain my trust.
And what was that all about anyway, trying to gain my trust when he so clearly didn’t trust me?
“You look like you’re ready to fight an army of sharks,” Eli said, pulling me out of my thoughts.
I blinked, the pause screen of The Last of Us on Eli’s TV coming into focus. I tapped on my controller absentmindedly. “Say, have you noticed your brother is a little different lately?”
Eli’s forehead creased. “What do you mean?”
I hadn’t seen him with another girl or heard anything about his regular conquests for weeks now, and even Hayden and Blake had noticed it. There was also no news about him bullying any poor kids into obedience or starting fights. He was like a reformed citizen. He just needed to slick his hair back in the fifties style and wear a tweed suit and tie to complete the image.
“I mean, he’s not acting like his usual assholic self.”
Eli frowned. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
Shit. Right. Eli didn’t know the version of himself Masen showed everyone at school. “Nothing. Don’t mind silly me. Anyway, he must be going through menopause.”
Eli giggled. “He’s not a woman, Mel.”
“Yet menopause has the word men in it. Like, yeah, it comes from Greek and means month, but it’s still weird stuff. Anyway, I feel like there’s something strange about him. But I don’t know what.”
Eli’s stare grew strangely intense, reminding me so much of Masen that I shivered. It was weird how similar they could be.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“You wanna know a secret?” he asked.
“If it’s about Masen having some weird fetish like smelling stinky socks, I’m all ears.”
He let out a chuckle. “I think Mace is in loooove.”
My heart clenched. “Le what?”
Eli nodded with a grin. “Yeah. He’s always daydreaming, and he spends more time than usual getting ready for school. Yesterday, I told him I thought he must be fixing his hair to impress some girl, and he blushed!” He chuckled. “Mace never blushes! He threatened to pour the whole tube of styling gel on my hair if I didn’t leave him alone.”
I stared openmouthed at Eli. Needless to say, all my bodily functions were going wild.
“And did he by any, no matter how miniscule, chance confirm that? Or say who she is?”
I almost rolled my eyes at myself. For fuck’s sake, Melissa. You sound pathetic and obsessed. Not smooth. Not smooth at all.
“No.” He looked at me oddly. “Why do you ask?”
“A friend of my friend’s friend is interested in him,” I said in what I hoped to be a nonchalant voice. I extended my hand in a dramatic manner, staring off into the distance as if Eli’s room was my audience. “She will be a devastated maiden if the desires of her heart aren’t reciprocated.”
Eli giggled. “Do you want me to ask him?”
I whipped my wide stare at him. “Absolutely not!” I cleared my throat. “I mean, I don’t really care.”
Yeah, right. He wasn’t stupid. And even a moron would’ve been able see right through me. I was just getting entangled even deeper into this shit because I couldn’t shut up.
He shrugged his shoulder. “Okay. If you say so.” He looked back at the screen and returned to the game. “I hope he is in love and that girl loves him back,” he said in an undertone, and I just knew it was directed at me. He wanted me to return Masen’s feelings, which weren’t even confirmed.
My heart danced the strangest dance in my chest as I thought about the possibility that Masen felt something real for me. I let out a shuddering breath. It didn’t matter, though. He didn’t do dating, which was confirmed when Eli said, “He’s never had a girlfriend, and he swore he wouldn’t ever have one, but I wish that would change.”
“Why hasn’t he ever had a girlfriend?”
Eli shook his head. “I told you before. I can’t tell you that.”
I wanted to tell him not to start a topic and then leave out the juiciest part, but I couldn’t blame him for honoring their sibling code. “Okay, fine. But doesn’t he ever get lonely?
“He does get lonely, but he’d never admit that, and I don’t know how to help him.”
Lonely. I’d never thought Masen might feel lonely. He was always surrounded by friends and received loads of attention at school, and some girls would probably give a kidney just to be with him. Yet, he was lonely.
Just like me.
I was distracted when I took my turn at the game, going through the motions automatically. I was so lost in my thoughts that when I headed to the bathroom later, I almost collided with Masen, who was on his way to his room.
“Careful,” he said, grasping my shoulders to steady me. My lips parted. My pulse began its wild rhythm as I stared into those deep, deep blue eyes, and I didn’t even have it in me to fight it off. His fingers tightened on my shoulders, pulling me an inch closer, and I complied as if tied to him by an invisible cord.
Just then, the front door opened, and Doug entered the house. Masen dropped his hands from my shoulders instantly and took a step back. I forced a smile to my face, but I doubted I could mask well how I felt. I was
too shaken by this pull that seemed to exist so effortlessly between us.
“Hi, kids,” he said and closed the door, putting his briefcase on a small table next to the door.
“Hey, Dad.”
“It’s good to see you again, Melissa. How are you?”
I made my smile even wider so he wouldn’t see that his son affected me in more ways than one. “I’m as good as Italian cuisine. How are you?”
He chuckled. “I’m good. Super busy at work, but that’s nothing new.” He patted Masen’s shoulder. “I’m going to go get some rest. See you around, Melissa.”
“See you, Doug.” I watched him enter his bedroom. I cleared my throat before I looked at Masen, whose gaze was already on me. “I wanna ask you something.”
He cocked his head to the side, leaning his shoulder against the wall. “Go ahead.”
“Let’s pretend for a moment I can trust you. Can you trust me?”
He arched his eyebrow. “What’s up with that all of a sudden?”
I shifted on my feet. “Just answer me, Barbie.”
“I’m trying to.”
My heart plummeted. I pursed my lips together, nodding. I moved to sidestep him.
“Wait,” he said.
I stopped and willed myself to look at him. “What?”
He bit his lip as he thought about something. Damn, that was so hot. “There is a way for us to learn to trust each other.”
I tapped my foot impatiently. He was keeping me in suspense deliberately. “Do enlighten me.”
“We can finally end this cat and mouse chase between us.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning no more hate or pushing each other away.” He observed me carefully. “Can you do that?”
Surprisingly, it wasn’t hard to agree to that. The world must be coming to an end.
Still, it was overwhelmingly strange, especially when he sat right next to me in the cafeteria, and the whole table gaped at him. Blake and Hayden shared a strange gaze.
“So, the rumors are true,” Hayden said. “You two have something going.”
“No,” I bit out as Masen said, “Yes.”
I glared at him. What the hell was he doing?
He threw a casual smile onto his face, unperturbed. “Satan can’t get her hands off me.” He tried to put his arm around my shoulder, but I swatted it away.
“Yeah, you wish. I have more than enough brain cells not to be like that.”
Masen smirked. “Don’t pay any attention to her. She’s just too shy to admit it. She can’t stop gushing over me.”
“Mel can’t stop gushing over you?” Sarah asked, looking between us with raised eyebrows. “Are we talking about the same Mel?”
“Exactly,” I was quick to say. “He’s completely delusional.”
“You didn’t say that in my room when you—”
“Masen is the best!” I proclaimed, drowning him out, because I knew exactly what would come out of his mouth next, and I needed to shut him up. “Totally worthy of the Best-Guy-on-Pluto medal!”
Amusement was written all over Marcus’s and Kevin’s faces. “His room, huh?” Marcus asked.
“It’s not what you think,” I said.
“It never is,” Hayden replied.
Sarah and Jess didn’t say anything, but if their knowing smiles were anything to go by, they were already envisioning me and Masen getting married. I shuddered. I needed to do damage control, quickly.
As if the scene at lunchtime wasn’t enough, Masen kept sending me funny videos of bunnies throughout the day, and I found myself anticipating his messages. A guy whose world revolved around sex thought bunny videos were cute and funny, and I was eating it up way too fast. I was also too invested in our “truce” to really focus on my job, not that it mattered all that much since it was a slow Friday night at the retirement home, and I had more time on my hands than usual.
“Why are you smiling?” Sarah asked me, stopping next to me in the hallway outside the sitting room.
I raised my gaze from the flopping bunny on my screen to look at her. “I won the lottery.”
Sarah narrowed her eyes at me. “Really, now?”
“Yep. I’m super rich and off to Hawaii.”
Her eyes crinkled with a smile. “If I didn’t know you better, I’d actually say you’re in love.”
I almost dropped my phone. “You’re right, I’m in love—with life and plants and insects and—”
“Okay, okay. I get it. But what was that today? You and Masen?”
This was the moment when I started doing damage control. “Me and Barbie nothing. What you saw today meant nothing. Maybe we called a truce, but that means nothing. You get it? Nothing.”
She pressed her lips together, containing a smile. “I get it. Nothing.”
My phone screen lit with another text, but I stuffed the phone in my pocket, irritated. “Why is everyone so persistent about me and Barbie? What do you want to know? Are we getting along? By some crazy twist of fate, yes, we are. Do I still hate him? Yes, I do. Do I want to see him squashed like a bug? Yes, I do. Do I—”
“Okay, I get your point. But what’s that about you two getting along?”
I looked away, and my gaze fell on Shreya. She was talking to someone’s grandson on the other side of the sitting room. Mateo was here, too, talking with Mr. J., but his attention wasn’t on his grandfather. It was on Shreya. He stared at her intently as she talked with the guy, who was our age and obviously flirting with her.
“We’ve officially called a truce. Or something like that.”
“Now, that’s new. How did that happen?”
“It’s because . . .” I ran my hand down my face, letting out a heavy sigh. “It’s a long story.”
“I see.”
She didn’t push me for an answer, but that didn’t stop me from feeling bad about shutting her out again, and I thought about the conversation we’d had on Monday. I’d been keeping my true feelings protected for so long, denying everyone’s help, that everything was all bottled up and jumbled inside.
I watched Mateo’s gaze narrow as the guy leaned closer to Shreya to show her something on his phone.
I met Sarah’s gaze. “Okay, if you like someone who isn’t, let’s say, purely good, does that make you stupid?” I asked her, shifting on my feet.
She tilted her head to the side. “What do you consider not purely good?”
“I’m not talking about burying-dead-bodies-in-the-backyard bad, but an asshole level of bad.”
She hooked a strand of her hair behind her ear. “And what are that person’s redeeming qualities?”
None, I wanted to say, but that was a big-ass lie.
I looked off into the distance. “He can be good company. He can be caring and he’s ready to do anything for those he cares about. He’s . . . he’s tentative and smart. And he’s the most irritating person I’ve ever met, but all that verbal sparring with him . . . I kinda like it. It’s fun.”
“Liking Masen doesn’t make you stupid at all,” she said gently, and I whipped my head around, scowling at her.
“I don’t like Masen!”
She didn’t believe me for a second. “I understand why you’re denying it. I went through that and all the guilt and had so many doubts before I got together with Hayden, but it’s okay to feel insecure or out of control. It’s okay not to know right from wrong. You’re only human.”
“It’s not okay, not for me. I need certainty. I need clear answers. I can’t deal with gray areas. I hate gray areas.”
“But gray areas are what this world is made of. Look, I get it. I really do. I used to see people through a black and white filter, keeping them in those separate compartments without realizing that seeing someone as purely good or purely bad was unrealistic. But if you keep denying someone’s good side just because you’re so fixated on their bad side, you may miss out on many great things.”
“But how can I not be fixated on their bad side when what they
did was truly bad? It might not be redeemable.”
She shrugged. “Then, if you think it’s not redeemable, it’s not redeemable.”
“That’s not helping me at all.”
She sighed. “I can’t give you the answer, Mel. You’ll know it when the time is right. Just remember that people can change. But, if in any case, you can’t get over the past, that’s also okay. Just listen to yourself.”
If I listened to myself, I would be all over the place, but she was right. I was the only one who could find my answer. Not her or anyone else.
I pointed at Mateo. “I think Mateo is starting to like Shreya. See how he follows her with his eyes? He’s been doing that this whole time.” Shreya was now helping one of the ladies stand up, and a semblance of a smile appeared on Mateo’s face.
Sarah smiled. “I’m glad, because it looks as though Shreya likes him too, and she’s a nice girl. He deserves to be happy.”
I nodded, thinking about my own happiness. It had been so hard trying to achieve it, ever since that night in the woods that had turned my life into hell and every day since into an attempt to get over it, but then came Masen, and he’d brought a roller coaster into my life. From hate to this yearning that helped me forget all the bad parts. Those moments with him helped me feel alive. They provided comfort. They helped me feel less alone.
For the first time, I had a way to survive my demons without following a self-destructive path, but it was fragile, and I wondered if I would ever understand why, of all people, it was Masen I’d fallen for.
I hung out with Sar after work, so I finally came home around eleven. Mom never had a problem with me staying out late, and now that I was eighteen, she didn’t even bother telling me when to come home. She’d texted me earlier, saying only that she was going to sleep and not to forget to lock the door when I got home.
I slowed down at our gate, catching sight of Masen’s Corvette parked across the street. My pulse quickened. Masen leaned against the hood with his phone in his hand. He raised his head up and smiled at me, and my pulse kicked into fifth gear.