“I still feel dizzy.”
“Get used to it. I’ll give you as many as you want.”
“You’re really good at that.”
He didn’t have a response to that.
I reached my hand down to grab him. Liam grasped me before I could touch him. I looked at him, wondering what the holdup was.
“You said you only wanted to see me. No touching.”
“I changed my mind.” I tried to reach for him again, but he kept me back. “I want to make you feel as good as you made me feel.”
“Another time,” he said gently.
I sighed. “If you’ve been faithful to me…”
“I have,” he said quickly.
“Then you must be frustrated.”
“No, I’m not.” He stared me straight in the eye.
“But…”
“But nothing. You don’t owe me anything.” He put my hand on the bed then cuddled into me.
“Liam, I want to.”
“It’s okay,” he said quickly.
“I’m sure,” I insisted. “I just…need you to show me.”
He eyed me. “I’m tired.”
I hit his shoulder lightly. “Come on. Let me. I want to.”
He took a deep breath. “Are you sure?”
I nodded then pressed my face close to his.
“Okay…” He grabbed my hand then placed it around him. “Move up and down slowly.”
I did as he asked, our eyes connected. His breathing started to change, becoming deeper and rugged. Liquid started to leak from the top.
He guided my fingers to the tip then helped me move the moisture down to his base. We did that over and over until he was smooth. “Now spit in your hand.”
I felt awkward doing that, but I did it anyway.
He put my hand around his shaft. “Now continue.”
I moved up and down, watching his face become hot.
His lips sought mine and kissed me while I moved my hand, giving him the pleasure he gave me. He moaned into my mouth while his hand touched me everywhere, cupping my face then gripping my hip.
I loved feeling him crumble underneath me. It somehow gave me more pleasure than what he gave me.
“I’m going to come…”
He cupped his tip then breathed in my mouth, his lips immobile. Listing to him moan made me moan. I loved feeling him shake with pleasure, knowing I caused it.
When we finished, we wiped off then he cuddled beside me.
“You okay?” he whispered.
“That was fun,” I said with a smile.
He stared at me affectionately. “It was pretty fun.”
I snuggled into him. “I loved watching you come.”
“The feeling is mutual. You’re somehow more beautiful than you usually are.”
Our naked bodies wrapped around each other, intertwining so much we were a single person. His head was pressed to mine, and he closed his eyes. I didn’t want to close my eyes because I wanted to stare at him all night. But my body was exhausted, and I fell asleep.
* * *
It was cold. I reached for Liam, but he wasn’t there. Panicked, I opened my eyes and looked for him. The other side of the bed was empty. I searched the room but didn’t find him. He wasn’t in the bathroom. I decided to go downstairs and look for him.
The house was empty. He was nowhere to be found. When I called his cell phone, it rang on his nightstand. I looked in the garage and saw his truck. If he went anywhere, he traveled on foot.
Then I remembered the basement.
I went into the garage then descended the stairs. I stopped when I saw him. Just wearing his running shorts, he was punching a swinging bag. He wore boxing gloves and punched as hard as he could. He was drenched in sweat. The livid look on his face frightened me. He yelled every few punches, seeming lost in his own world.
I stayed rooted to the spot, not knowing what to do. I was scared to speak or move. I’ve never seen him like this. He finally stopped, his chest pressed against the bag. He breathed loudly, his eyes closed. Then he stepped away, ripping his gloves off. His knuckles were bleeding.
When he spotted me on the staircase, he flinched. He didn’t speak, just stared while his chest rose and fell. I didn’t move, and neither did he. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he said through his heavy breathing.
That was the furthest thing from my mind. “I know.”
He paced the floor, circling the bag hanging from the ceiling.
“What are you doing down here?”
He didn’t look at me. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“Why are you so angry…?”
“Why do you think?” he snapped.
Whoa… I felt like I was speaking to a stranger.
He clenched his hand. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it.”
I eyed his knuckles. “Let’s get you cleaned up.”
“No.”
“Okay…” I didn’t reach for him. I kept my place on the stairs.
He finally looked at me. “What’s his name?”
Now everything made sense.
“It doesn’t matter.”
“No! I want to know who the fuck he is and where he lives.”
“Just let it go, babe.”
“No!” he screamed. “Tell me, or I’ll figure it out on my own. You’ll save me a lot of time.”
“He’s in jail,” I said simply. “Attempted manslaughter. There’s nothing you can do.”
His eyes were wide, and the sweat dripped down his chest. “Fucker…jail is too good for him.”
“Calm down…”
“How am I supposed to be calm about this?” he asked incredulously. “He almost killed you. You’re the love of my life. You expect me to just accept it and not want to bash his skull in?”
“I thought you were okay with this…” I felt the fear take hold.
He rushed to me but didn’t touch me because his hands were drenched in blood. “I don’t see you differently,” he said firmly. “I love you with my whole heart. But the idea of someone hurting something so beautiful and perfect kills me. I hate remembering the way you cowered from me because you were so scared. I can’t stand the look you gave me. My anger, ferocity, and resentment are aimed at him, not you.”
I breathed a sigh of relief. “But you should let it go. Getting angry won’t change anything. It’s been resolved. He’s in jail, and I’ll never see him again.”
“I’ll always want to kill him,” he said simply. “I’m sorry.”
“I know…”
He stood in front of me, watching my face. “I’m sorry if I upset you.”
“It’s okay…” I eyed his hands. “Let’s clean you up.”
“Okay.”
We went upstairs into his bathroom and rinsed his hands in the sink. There was so much blood.
“Should we go to the hospital?” I asked.
“No,” he said immediately. “I’m fine.”
When they were dry, I kissed each one. He watched me with a soft expression. “You should pick another sport, something that doesn’t break your knuckles.”
He rubbed his nose against mine. “Don’t worry about me, baby.”
“That will never happen.”
He scooped me up in his arms and carried me back to bed.
When we were snuggled together, I looked at him. “You’ll be here when I wake up?”
“Yes,” he whispered. “I won’t sneak off again.”
“Okay.” My hand rested on his stomach. I thought of the scars across his skin. “Where did you get these?”
He moved his fingers through my hair. “A few fights.”
“You do that often?” I asked.
“It happens.” His responses were incredibly vague. But I decided to drop it.
15
Liam
Just when I thought my anger was gone, Keira dropped this bomb on me. When my sister passed away, I couldn’t hold on to my sanity. I was a ticking time bomb. I dived into sex and viol
ence to shelter the pain I felt. Now it was a million times worse. The idea of a piece of shit hurting the greatest thing that ever happened to me made me shake. I needed to rip something apart.
Keira had Thanksgiving at her house. It was just Scotty, her, and me. I learned Scotty’s parents had also passed away. Now I felt even worse for Keira. She literally had no family in the world. At least I could rely on my parents if I had absolutely nowhere else to turn. She didn’t have anyone but Scotty—and me.
Dinner was quiet because we were all depressed. The holidays were always hard for me. I knew my parents were having dinner alone, wondering why I hadn’t returned the hundreds of calls they’d made. I guess I held them responsible for my sister’s death. I’d objected to my sister’s boyfriend, but my parents said it was a dead-end relationship and would burn out on its own. I knew there was something wrong with the guy. And I ended up being completely right.
Even though I wished I wasn’t.
When Keira took a shower, Scotty and I were alone.
“She told me,” I said.
Scotty turned his gaze away from the TV. “How are you holding up?”
“I’m…angry.”
“I’ll never stop being angry. When I walked into the hospital room, I thought she was already dead. The doctor wasn’t even sure if she would survive.”
I felt sick.
“But I’m glad she told you. I knew you wouldn’t run off.”
“Why would I?” I asked.
“Well, she’ll always suffer from that. And she feels guilty about her parents.”
“I think I’ve taken care of that first problem. The second… I don’t think anything I say will ever make her realize she isn’t at fault.”
“You’re probably right,” Scotty said.
“I signed up for three more fights this month.”
“Are you tight on money?” he asked.
“No. I just want to hurt someone.”
“She doesn’t know, does she?”
I shook my head. “I’m surprised you haven’t told her.”
He fidgeted with the remote. “I’m afraid how she’ll react. I don’t want her to throw you away because of it.”
“You really think she’d leave me because of it?”
He shrugged. “It’s a very violent sport. You break people’s bones, man. And after what she went through…she may not like it.”
“But I’ve put her back together. She knows I’d never hurt her.”
“Then tell her.”
I didn’t want to. “I need this.”
“I don’t know what to say.”
“If I don’t do this, I’ll be angry all the time. Then I’ll take it out on her.”
“Then what are you going to do?”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I can hide it from her for as long as possible, but she’ll figure it out eventually. When she asks about it, I can’t lie.”
Scotty stared at me.
Keira loved me more than anyone she’d ever loved before. She looked at me with pure adoration. We were attached at the hip, and nothing could tear us apart. She wouldn’t approve of the sport, but I knew she wouldn’t leave me because of it. I needed to release the anger inside me. If I didn’t, it would kill me. She would understand. I knew she would.
Maybe I could do it until I finally moved on from what happened to Keira. My anger and need for revenge would be sated, and I could forget about it. Keira would never have to know. I should just tell her, but I was scared to. What if she thought of me in a different way?”
“What should I do?” I asked. “You’ve known her for her entire life.”
Scotty nodded. “I would finish the last three fights then retire. Then I would tell her. If you already quit, she’ll be able to accept it—better, at least. That’s my best advice.
I nodded. “Okay. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
* * *
Keira and I spent the next month in bliss. Our relationship became more sexual the longer we were together. She was very inexperienced in the bedroom, but I liked it. I got to teach her everything. I knew she’d been with someone before me, but as far as I was concerned, I was her first time. I was determined to erase his memory with every touch and every kiss.
I hadn’t had sex in four months, but I didn’t let that knowledge affect me. I missed it, but I knew Keira would be a million times better than any other partner I’d had. I’d never made love to someone, and I was looking forward to it.
She stayed at my place more than her own. When she tried to go back home, I would persuade her to stay. I doubted Scotty minded her absence. He had the house to himself, and he knew Keira was happy with me.
As time passed, she loosened up more. Now she was completely carefree with me, jumping on me when she saw me in the hallway at school, or straddling my hips when we made out on the couch. She was vibrant and happy, giving me a look like she never had before.
We were perfect together.
I knew she was ready to make love to me, but she didn’t tell me. I was patient and waited for her to address it. The last thing I wanted was to rush her. I wanted her to give herself to me. I never wanted to take her.
After we fooled around in bed, I pulled her close to me. “I’m not saying this to be presumptuous or rush you, but I think you should go on birth control.” I watched her face, studying her reaction.
“Why?”
“The first time we make love, I don’t want to be separated by latex. And it takes a while for the medication to kick in… I just thought you could take care of that now.”
She nodded.
“Or not. It’s up to you. If you want to wait until marriage, I’m fine with that.”
“I definitely don’t want to wait until marriage,” she said with a chuckle.
That was a relief, but I didn’t voice it. “Okay.”
* * *
Christmas was just a few days away, and neither one of us had plans. I assumed I’d spend it with her and Scotty. I preferred to be alone with Keira, but I knew Scotty didn’t have anyone else. Keira was the only family he had.
My parents invited me over like they did every year. My mom left a voice mail, sounding happy and cheerful, like nothing was wrong. She always told me she loved me and I was welcome at the house—and not just for the holiday. I never called her back.
I competed in a few fights—and it felt so good. I needed to beat someone to a pulp, to release the frustration I felt. I hadn’t lost a fight in a year. I was just too angry to be competed with. People asked what my secret was. I always responded, “Ferocity.” But I never elaborated.
Keira still hadn’t figured it out. She never asked or suspected it, and I never mentioned it. I would wait until after my last fight to be honest with her. I thought that was a better time.
When she came over on Christmas Eve, we lay in front of the fire. The tree stood in the corner, the lights and ornaments decorating it. She and I spent all day making it perfect. Keira said it was her favorite holiday, and I wanted it to be special. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have a tree at all.
“Have you spoken to your parents?” she asked. Her hand rested on my bare chest. Now we were always naked together, even though we stayed within the confines of her limits. I loved feeling her skin against mine, and not in a sexual way.
“They called and left a message.”
“What did they say?”
“They invited me over for the holiday.” I watched the flames dance in her eyes.
“You should go.”
“No,” I said immediately. “I want to be with you.”
“Well, I could come too.”
“It’s okay.”
She gave me a serious look. “Liam, they are your family. You should be with them.”
“You’re my family.”
Her eyes softened. “We both can be.”
“I don’t want to see them.”
“Why? They lost one child. They must be suffering without
you.”
“That’s too bad,” I said bitterly.
She eyed me for a long time. She could read me pretty well. “Liam, what aren’t you telling me?”
I sighed. “I blame them for her death. I told them her boyfriend was an ass and she should break up with him, but they dismissed all my hunches as paranoia. When I took matters into my own hands and beat the shit out of him, they sent me to an anger management class. And in the end, I was right. I was fucking right.”
She rubbed my chest. “I’m so sorry…”
“That’s why I don’t want to see them.”
The silence stretched between us for a long time.
“Liam, can I say something?”
“You can say anything, baby.”
“Don’t you think your parents hate themselves for what happened? They probably live with the guilt every day, knowing their daughter is dead because of them. And they lost their son, to top it off. Believe me, they’ve punished themselves enough. I would know…”
I heard the sadness in her voice. I moved my fingers through her hair to comfort her. “It’s just hard for me to let it go.”
“You don’t have to let it go. Just try to be a family again. Let them apologize to you.”
I sighed. “I don’t know…”
“I want to meet them,” she said firmly. “Liam, I miss my family. I’ll never see them again because they’re dead. But your parents are still here… Think about it that way.”
I knew she was right. “I’ll go if you come with me.”
“Okay,” she said with a smile. “When are we going?
“Well, since we’re spending Christmas with Scotty, we should go now and spend the night. We’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Okay.”
I grabbed her gifts under the tree. “You should open these now.”
“That’s so many gifts…”
“I almost got more.”
She gave me a small box. “Since you already have everything, I decided to get you this.”
“Do you want me to go first?” I asked.
She nodded.
I opened the small box and looked inside. It was a key. And I knew exactly what it unlocked. “A key to your house?”
“I want you to come over whenever you want. You don’t have to let me know beforehand.”
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