I get out and stare up at it, the moon shining on it like a spotlight. I walk up the front porch and fiddle with my keychain. I unlock the big oak door and push it open.
It smells like cleaner. It doesn’t smell like pine and whatever food my mother used to cook for us while we played in the water all day.
The furniture is rearranged, and everything feels out of place. I carry my bags inside and drop them inside the door. I throw my keys onto the front table, only to hear them crash to the floor. When I look over, I realize the front table has been moved across the room.
I sigh.
I get to work moving the front table back to its rightful spot. I switch the loveseat from the right corner where it sits now to the left corner where it’s supposed to be. The only thing wrong now is that the couch is at a weird angle. I try my best to move it, even taking a running start, but it’s not budging. I let out a long breath.
Fine. That’ll wait for another day.
I walk up the big wooden steps to the bedrooms. I peek into my parents’ room. Everything looks the same, the big king bed in the center, the skylight flooding the room with starlight.
I walk down the hall to my room and open the door. Even the comforter is the same, a pale green my mother had picked out when I was just a kid.
I walk out into the hall and slowly push open the bedroom door next to mine.
His room.
Everything appears to be in its rightful place, but nothing feels right.
13
The next morning, I’m up early, my neck stiff from having fallen asleep on the couch that’s in the wrong spot.
I have the day shift this morning, and for some reason, today, I can’t wait to get to work.
I pull on a pair of jean shorts and my own blue polo then hop in my car and head down to the store.
When I pull in and look around, though, I don’t see Ryder’s truck, and I’m surprised when I’m overcome with disappointment.
Inside, Derrick is pulling out some new forms from the drawer under the cash register and tidying up the counter.
“Hey,” I say, slinging my bag over the counter and tucking it underneath.
“Morning,” he says.
“Where’s Ryder?” I ask.
“He got called into Lou’s tonight, so we switched shifts today. You’re stuck with me; sorry,” he says with a playful smile. I scrunch my nose and smile back at him.
“Did he tell you that I...found out? About...Annabelle?”
He smiles, never lifting his eyes from the counter.
“He told me,” he says. Slowly, he looks up at me. “I told you; he’s been through a lot.”
I nod.
“It sounds like it,” I say.
“For what it’s worth,” he says, “and it may be worth nothing, but it’s doing him good that you’re here.”
My eyes widen.
“He needs you to forgive him as much as you need to do it,” he says before disappearing behind me and into the back of the store.
The shift seems to drag on today, even though we’re busy as a mother. I’m checking people in and out, switching with Derrick down at the docks, and finally, it’s closing time. The sun is disappearing, and the last of our renters are coming back in.
Finally, I check the last person back in and lock up the shed.
As Derrick and I are walking out to our cars, I stop him.
“Does your mom have Annabelle today?” I ask.
He looks down at his phone.
“Ryder’s shift is at eight; he usually drops her off a little earlier so she can have dinner. She should be there now.” I nod.
“Thanks.”
I get in my car, and before I realize it, I’m auto-piloting toward Big Moon Drive. This is the first day since I’ve been in Meade Lake that I haven’t seen him, and it feels...off.
I turn into the driveway and hop out, knocking on the door in a hurried fashion. In a moment’s time, he opens it.
“Mila?” he asks, confused. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” I say, stumbling over what to tell him next.
“Do you...do you need something?” he asks. I want to kick myself. Why did I come? Why did I do this to myself?
“I...I, uh,” I start to mumble, and I can see he wants to save me from myself.
“I’m just getting ready for my shift at Lou’s. Wanna come in for a bit?” he asks. I nod and step inside.
“Did you eat yet? I have some leftovers,” he calls from down the hall in his room.
“I’ll grab something on my way back to the house,” I say, leaning up against the counter. I look around. He keeps this place spotless, which I imagine has to be hard to do with an almost-four-year-old.
“How was being back at the house?” he calls.
“It was...different,” I call back.
“I’m sure,” he says.
I walk down the side of the big island in the middle of the kitchen and turn around the corner, passing his keys, his phone, and a pile of mail.
But I pause when I see an envelope on the top addressed to Ryder.
The return address reads: R.H. Oncology Associates.
I hear blood rushing through my ears, and I feel my breathing quicken. The envelope is shaking in my fingers when he appears from down the hall.
“Did you want to come––” he starts but freezes when he sees me. Instantly, he knows something is wrong.
His eyes trail down to my hand, the envelope turned up toward him. He lifts them to me slowly.
“What…is this?” I ask, although, I probably shouldn’t. It’s not my place. I’m here for one reason and one reason only. I should have just pretended I didn’t see it. But I can’t, because my heart feels like it’s beating in my throat, and I think I’m going to faint.
“Mila,” he whispers, stepping toward me slowly. I take a step back, and my knees feel a little weak. I stumble, and he lunges forward to steady me. His fingers are wrapped around my biceps, and I force myself to look up at him. “You okay?” he asks.
I nod.
“Ryder, what is this?”
He swallows and nods for me to sit down on the couch again. I need to stop coming to his house. I keep finding out his deepest, darkest secrets, and I don’t think I can handle any more.
“So, two years before we had Annabelle, I had this...episode. Maura and I were walking down by the water, and I just dropped to the ground and froze.”
My eyes are wide, but I can feel my heart starting to close itself off.
“She called 911, and I ended up in the hospital for a few days. After a million scans, it ended up that I had a small brain tumor. It had caused the seizure.”
I can’t speak. I just stare at him.
“I had surgery, did some treatment, all was well, and a year later, it was like I was a new man. Maura and I got married on top of the mountain the day after my last treatment. Another year later, I lost Maura. But I found the love of my life in the form of that little girl.”
My heart melts a little with the way he talks about his daughter.
“So...you’re okay now?” I ask. He swallows.
“For the most part. I’ve been having some trouble with my vision that’s been making driving at night a little difficult. I’m sure everything is fine, but I made an appointment and got some scans done just to be safe. A few came back abnormal.”
“Abnormal?” I ask, unable to fully hide the panic in my voice.
“Yeah. So I have an appointment this week to get the results,” he says. We’re silent for a moment as I digest everything he’s told me.
Jesus. When Derrick said he’d been through some shit, I didn’t know the half of it.
Another moment passes, and he leans across the couch, placing his hands on mine as they pull at the tag on the pillow I didn’t even know I was squeezing.
“Hey,” he says, “are you...are you worried about me?”
My eyes flick up to his. I don’t answer him with words. I don’t have
to. Even after all these years.
“Mila, I’m okay, okay?” he says. I nod. “Please don’t... Please don’t let this add to any stress you already have or make you feel like you can’t do what you came here to do. I’m sure I’m fine anyway, and you need to do your own healing.” He lets his hands rest on mine for a moment longer then stands. “I have to head up to Lou’s. Do you wanna come hang out for a bit?”
I think for a moment then shake my head. I just want to go back to the lake house and decompress. He nods, grabs his keys, and we walk back out to our cars.
“Hey,” he says before turning to his, “I haven’t gotten a letter in a few days.” His lips curve into a smile. I nod and walk to my car, opening the door and pulling the journal out of my bag. I flip to the next letter, and then I turn to him.
“Are you sure you want these?” I ask. He thinks for a minute.
“Yeah,” he says. “I told you. I want to know about what I missed. For a minute, it’s like I was there.”
I nod then reluctantly hand over the next letter.
Ryder,
We just got back from the doctor. It’s official: I miscarried.
I felt off when I woke up the other day. It was weird. And then the bleeding started.
Twelve weeks. The doctor said I’m pretty far along to have miscarried. Most women miscarry earlier on. Lucky me.
I miss the way you could make me smile when it felt like the world was caving in.
But then you caved in my world.
Mila
He reads the letter again then folds it up and sticks it in his pocket. Then he takes one, two, three steps toward me, and before I can react, his arms are around me. He pulls me into him, enveloping me in his grasp, my cheek against his hard chest. I feel his lips press gently down against the top of my head, and I feel my knees buckle beneath me.
My God, it feels good to be in his arms again.
Too good.
I let him hold me for a moment before the scent, the memory, and the desire to stay like this for the rest of the night becomes too much. He can feel me pulling away before I actually do it, and slowly, he lets his arms fall.
“You would have made an amazing mother, Mila,” he whispers, letting his hand rest gently under my chin for a moment. My eyes drop to the ground, and I turn back to my car. But before I do, I call out his name.
“I want to go to your appointment with you next week,” I tell him. His eyes narrow in on me, then he nods and smiles.
“It’s a date.”
14
Then, Summer Before Junior Year
“Mila, hurry up!” Chase calls up the stairs. I’m ignoring him while I scrunch some mousse in my hair and tousle my waves, making sure they bounce just right. There’s a bonfire tonight, somewhere up on the mountain, with the group we’ve been hanging with all summer long. I check the time on my phone and see the date, and it makes my stomach flip.
One week. I have one more week with him.
In just seven weeks, Ryder Casey has taken what I thought life was all about and flipped it on its end. I’ve spent my whole life quiet. I’ve spent it reserved, in the background of most scenarios I’ve found myself in. But with him, I’m loud. With him, I can say it all without actually having to say a word.
But in seven days, I go back home. And he stays here, in this magical place, without me.
I trot down the steps with a little more pep in my step, suddenly hyperaware of every minute that passes.
Chase is out the door ahead of me, and Mom and Dad are calling their goodbyes from the kitchen.
But as I step out onto the front porch, I freeze when I see him, perched on the hood of his truck, waiting for me. Chase gives him a quick nod. They’ve become much more civil, which is good for me.
I don’t need Chase to be my protector. I don’t need him to vet the guys––or guy, I should say––that I’m interested in. But I do need my brother. I need him to be the rock he’s always been, the constant in my life that’s never faltering.
“I could have brought her, man,” he tells Ryder, but Ryder smiles and shakes his head.
“I know,” he says, “but I wanted to bring my date.”
He looks up at me and smiles just as Chase chuckles and hops in his own truck.
“You two are a little nauseating.” He smiles out the window before speeding away.
“You didn’t have to do this,” I say, stepping off the front porch. He smiles and shrugs.
“I figured it would be pretty awkward to kiss you tonight in front of your brother or anyone else that’s at this thing,” he says. My eyes widen into big saucers as I stare up at him.
“What?”
He shrugs again.
“If it’s alright with you, I’m planning on kissing you tonight,” he says. I clear my throat as my cheeks flush with fire. “Sorry it’s taken me all summer. I guess I just wanted to make sure it was perfect. There’s a lot riding on it.”
He steps closer to me, looping his arms around my waist.
It’s been seven weeks, and he’s not so much as pecked me on the cheek.
“There is?” I ask. He nods, stepping closer and intertwining our fingers.
“I don’t know if I’ll be your last first kiss,” he says, “but I want you to remember it for the rest of your life.”
Then, he pulls away and opens my door, letting me hop in. I smile to myself as I try not to let the combined fear and excitement show on my face.
I’ve been kissed exactly two times in my whole life.
Once was on a dare in eighth grade. James Bird. It lasted all of 0.43 seconds, and I barely got my eyes closed before it was over.
The second was last year, after school. Tommy Roberts. Outside of the gym. He’d talked to me all summer long, texting me relentlessly, casually dropping by to visit with my brother. He had me pushed up against the brick wall of the school, and when he dropped his head to mine, I could smell the sweat on him from football practice.
He leaned in, and as our lips touched, I remember feeling a wave of disappointment. It wasn’t this life-halting, time-stopping moment I’d been waiting for, pining after all summer long. And when he slowly slid his hand up my hip and tried to dip it under my shirt, I swatted it away.
And when he gave me a weird look and slowly tried it again, I swatted him harder.
And then my brother turned the corner.
And you can guess how that went.
Chase had in-school suspension for three days once Principal Lorrence saw Tommy’s shiner.
I needed my brother to protect me then.
But with Ryder, I don’t feel that. I want Chase around, but I don’t need him to protect me from having my heart broken or my innocence taken away. I think it’s because, after just seven short weeks, I feel like Ryder wants to protect all those things just as badly as Chase does.
Ryder drives up the road a bit, crossing over a little bridge and turning left onto some of the backroads that we’ve been driving around all summer. When we get to Stone Brook Park, he parks and does a little jog around to my side then opens the door and gently lifts me out.
He takes my hand and leads me down a path to the firepit where our summer crew has been meeting up every week since I met them. It’s funny that I’ve been in Kelford with the same people my entire life, yet I feel more at home here in Meade Lake with these people than I ever have at home.
“‘Bout time,” Derrick says, shooting us a look and a smile. I blush as Ryder pushes a log big enough for both of us up closer to the fire.
“They just had to ride alone,” Chase says, laughing with Derrick and leaning back on his own log.
Luna and Daniel are nestled in a chair, barely aware of anyone else in the world.
Derrick’s brother, Teddy, is also sitting next to him, poking at the fire with a big stick.
“Did anyone bring booze?” Kirby asks, shuffling down the path with Jules in tow. Kirby is short and stout with bouncing black curls and an attitude t
hat you can feel for miles. But she’s funny, and so far this summer, I’ve remained on her good side—something I prefer to keep doing.
Jules is her cousin; they’re a year apart. Jules is tall with auburn hair and deep, brown eyes. She usually comes as a set of three with her friends Shane and Mikey, but they’re both working at the arcade tonight.
This group is something I’ve never experienced before; they are all close; there’s no cattiness; there’s no gossip among them. They are quick to call one another out, but they’re quick to laugh, too. It’s like they match their surroundings. They’re loud and boisterous like the water in the wakes, but they stand up tall like the mountains around them, creating a boundary around each other. A boundary I think I have around me now. They’ve all grown up here in Meade Lake, a vacation town, watching people come and go on a daily basis, trying to escape the tourism they were bred into.
“I believe it was Teddy’s night,” Jules says, sitting down next to Luna and Daniel.
“Shit…” Teddy mutters.
“Aww, Jesus Christ, Ted. This is the one fucking night a week I get to do something other than take tickets at the fucking movie theater. You had one job,” Kirby says, throwing her hands up in the air as she crashes down onto another chair.
“Sorry, Kirb,” he mutters. Derrick playfully punches him in the arm as we all laugh.
“So, you two are outta here soon, huh?” Jules asks, reaching forward to grab a chip from the bag on Daniel’s knee.
Chase and I look at each other. I feel Ryder’s arm slide up around my body, tugging me closer to him lightly.
“Yeah,” Chase says. “Next week.”
“Damn,” Kirby says. “I almost forgot you two weren’t locals.”
Back to Shore (Meade Lake Series Book 1) Page 7