I swallowed past a sudden lump in my throat. “Sure,” I said. “Consider this perpetual permission.”
Carter took a half step closer, standing with just an inch or two between us, looking into my eyes for long moments.
His knuckles brushed against my cheek, the fresh, inoffensive scent of the hotel body wash lingering on his skin.
He was so warm.
Carter’s nose bumped against mine, gentle, playful, a smile spreading over his lips as they made contact, the softest, sweetest kiss I’d ever been given.
This wasn’t a kiss that said let’s have sex later.
It was just a tiny display of affection, an unspoken promise that he still liked me and that he was coming back.
For sex, I hoped.
But that wasn’t what was running through Carter’s mind. He didn’t kiss like a man thinking about how he was going to get off with me.
I wasn’t really sure how to handle that.
“Thank you,” Carter murmured as he pulled back, fingertips still resting on my cheek.
I raised an eyebrow. “For letting you kiss me? Because I mean it about general permission. Kiss me whenever you want. I’m not gonna be mad.”
Carter looked at me like I’d just offered him the moon. If the moon was something he’d always really wanted but hadn’t ever imagined actually having.
“I meant for pushing me to go see my dad,” he said. “But I’ll take that offer.”
He swooped in for one last kiss, barely a peck on the lips, and then backed away from me and headed for the door, looking back as he got to it.
“Go,” I said, shooing him. “Tell your dad I say hi.”
Carter smiled a blindingly pretty smile at me, slipped through the door, and disappeared.
17
Carter
“This is a pleasant surprise,” Dad said as I found his table, looking up at me with warmth in his eyes. “I was expecting Aiden.”
“Sorry to disappoint,” I said, but I’d heard pleasant. Aiden was right. Dad did want to see me.
“You’ve never disappointed me,” he said, meaningfully, as I sat down.
“Take it you’ve heard I’ve been kicked out of the wedding, then.”
Dad smiled wryly. “At length,” he said. “You’d think a divorce would save me from having to hear it, but no. No, I went and got myself cornered while I was trying to give your sister her something old.”
“Sorry.” I focused on the bottle of water between us.
Dad reached out and took it, pouring for me first and then himself. “Don’t be. Proud of you. Not just for standing up to your mother, but for sticking up for your friend.”
Friend.
Right. Dad knew how things stood, more or less, didn’t he?
I wasn’t sure Aiden was my friend, although I was increasingly sure I wanted him to be. I’d never had a friend like him before.
I’d had Kieran, but he was… not like me, exactly, but definitely not like his little brother. Not like either of them. He was the grownup, the oldest, like me.
Aiden was something else.
“Aiden said you told him he reminded you of an ex-boyfriend,” I blurted out, because I hadn’t stopped thinking about it since he’d said it. I looked up, meeting my dad’s eyes, a thousand questions swirling through my mind.
Dad held my gaze for long moments, then looked away as he sipped his water, staring down into the bottom of the glass like it was single malt.
“Should’ve told you that the day I walked in on you making out with Kieran,” he said.
The tips of my ears burned. I hadn’t told Aiden that part.
“I wasn’t making out with him,” I said, shifting uncomfortably. “We kissed once. Neither of us liked it.”
“But you weren’t doing it for nothing,” Dad said. “Were you?”
I swallowed.
No. No, we hadn’t been doing it for nothing. I’d started it, asking Kieran if he’d ever wondered what it’d be like.
He had.
I hadn’t told Aiden that part, either, and I wasn’t sure whether he’d figured it out or not. I hadn’t talked to Kieran about anything like this since that day, so I had no idea how his feelings ran now.
He’d had girlfriends since, like me, but I was learning today that it might not have meant a goddamn thing.
“No,” I said quietly.
Dad’s foot nudged mine under the table. “You’re not alone,” he said. “You’ve never been alone, and I’m sorry now that I didn’t tell you that then. You deserved the truth, even if your mother didn’t like it.”
Right. That was why I didn’t know, wasn’t it?
Mom wouldn’t have liked it. She would have liked it even less if it’d given me the confidence to experiment back then.
Dad’s life might not have been worth living. It barely had been anyway.
My stomach twisted. Why hadn’t I ever stood up for him? He was my dad, I loved him.
“I wanna tell you something,” Dad said. “And I’m thinking the best way might just be to come out and say it, so here goes: I have a boyfriend. Who I didn’t bring with me to this because I’m not nearly as brave as you are.”
The ground shifted beneath me, room tilting suddenly sideways, only it hadn’t actually moved—it was just me, having my entire worldview shift right in front of my eyes.
Dad had a boyfriend.
“Boyfriend?” I asked, almost certain I couldn’t have heard that right.
Dad chuckled. “You’re right, I’m probably too old to call him my boyfriend. Partner, then.”
“Partner always sounds cold to me.”
“You’d rather I said lover?” Dad raised an eyebrow.
I wrinkled my nose, wincing at the thought. “No. Boyfriend, partner…”
“Was planning on husband,” Dad said. “Sometime soon. I’d like you to be there. Promise I won’t kick you out for bringing Aiden.”
Wow.
Wow.
Dad was getting remarried and I hadn’t even known he was dating.
My stomach sank. How much had he been hiding from us? How long for?
I loved my dad, and I knew he loved me, and this didn’t change any of that. He was still the same man who’d taught me to tie my shoelaces and sat and struggled through my homework with me and showed me how to shave without cutting myself.
Nothing could ever take that away from either of us. Not everyone got to have a dad at all, I was lucky to have this one.
“What’s his name?”
“Trent,” Dad licked his lips. “He’s… he’s nice. I think you’d like him.”
“If you like him, I like him,” I promised. My own father was coming out to me, I wasn’t going to be anything short of supportive about it.
“I could go for having two dads,” I added.
My current, single dad smiled down into his water. “He’s dying to meet you. And Hallie.”
“Anytime,” I said. “You tell me the place, I’ll be there.”
“Thanks,” Dad said. “Means a lot to your old man to hear you say that.”
A waitress interrupted us, and I let Dad order for me as well, since he’d had time to study the menu and I’d ended up a little later than I intended.
For the few moments the conversation stopped, my mind wandered back to Aiden, and what he was doing. Sitting alone in the cabin, maybe listening to his book again, eating by himself.
A pang of guilt hit me. I didn’t like to think of him lonely, even if I knew logically he must’ve spent most nights exactly like that. He wasn’t normally so far away from home.
Except he had been, dozens of times, and he’d clearly survived it just fine.
Maybe it was time to accept that I missed him, and I was hoping he missed me.
“I’d offer you a penny for your thoughts,” Dad said. “But I’m not sure I have enough change in my pocket for all of them.”
I licked my lips, taking a sip of water, another wave of guilt washing ov
er me. I was supposed to be here supporting my dad. Talking to him, at least.
We didn’t get to see each other nearly as much these days, and I realized now it was probably because he’d been hiding this huge part of his life.
“Hey, Dad?” I said, sweeping my finger nervously over the rim of my glass. “I love you. Always. No matter what.”
Dad’s whole face lit up. “Haven’t heard that in a while.”
More than a decade, probably.
We were all a mess. Me, Dad, Hallie, even Mom, though my sympathy for her particular kind of mess was at a low point.
“Is he good to you?” I asked, wanting to hear desperately that one of us got out, that one of us was happy.
“Trent?” Dad asked, his eyes lighting up. “He’s incredible. He… he says, umm. That it doesn’t matter that we met so late because he would’ve waited a lifetime for me, anyway.”
I didn’t think I’d ever seen my dad blush before, but he was blushing now, like a shy teenager.
Yeah, Trent was good to him. Which he completely deserved.
“Think he likes you,” I teased, pouring us each another glass of water. We were both driving back over snow and ice, in the dark, in a foreign country, so even a single glass of wine seemed a little dangerous.
“I really hope so, or I’ll look pretty stupid when I ask him to marry me,” Dad said. “But if I was twenty years younger, you’d have some serious competition for Aiden,” he added, just in time for me to choke on a mouthful of water.
Dad chuckled, shoving a napkin toward me so I could wipe my face and at least pretend to be a civilized adult.
“What? We already know he likes older men,” Dad teased.
“I’m not an older man,” I objected. “I’ve got two years on him.”
Dad chuckled. “I know. I know Aiden, I like him, and I think he’d be good for you.” Dad paused, licking his lips. “I know you’re not really dating Aiden, but I kinda wish you would,” he added. “I’ve made mistakes, I won’t pretend I haven’t. I should’ve told you your feelings were okay the first time I got a hint you had them. I’m sorry I didn’t.”
“Consider yourself forgiven,” I said, and it was easy, and I meant it. I wasn’t angry at him. Not now. Maybe I would be later, maybe I’d feel some sense of loss at not knowing sooner that…
Well, I didn’t really know what I knew yet. I knew it felt good to kiss Aiden and I knew I was still recovering from coming my brains out like I was getting my first-ever blowjob, but I didn’t know what that meant.
Was Aiden a special case?
If he was, why had I even brought the idea up to Kieran all those years ago?
But if he wasn’t, then how much time had I wasted when I could’ve been figuring that out instead of forcing myself not to think about it? And would knowing my dad felt the same way have made a difference to me?
I swallowed down another mouthful of water.
Yeah. Yeah, it probably would have made a difference. Hearing someone I trusted tell me it was okay—instead of just pretending he hadn’t seen what he’d seen—that would have changed things.
But on the other hand, did I want things to be different?
Like Trent had said, it was okay that it’d taken him and my dad so long to find each other, because it was meant to be that way.
I was only twenty-seven. There was plenty of time left ahead of me.
“Your forgiveness is appreciated as the precious gift it is,” Dad said. “But it doesn’t explain Aiden.”
I’d been half-hoping he’d forget about that. People underestimated my dad, but he had the tenacity of a terrier and the stubbornness of a mule and the warm, charming smile to get away with it.
I’d inherited the smile, I was pretty sure. People liked the way I smiled.
“I asked Kieran first,” I admitted. “Not, umm. Not for, like, a second chance or anything, but just so Mom would stop pestering me about Mandi. I figured letting her think I was gay would pretty much do it. But I thought she’d be mad quietly.”
“Because you didn’t know about me and how touchy she’d really be about it,” Dad said. “Right. Still not understanding Aiden.”
“Kieran said he’d go with me because he had a crush on me in high school.” I reached out for the salt shaker in the middle of the table, rolling it between my palms. “I figured he was full of shit, but I asked anyway, and Aiden agreed to come with me.”
“Because he did have a crush on you in high school,” Dad said.
I looked up at him. “Am I the last person to know about this?”
Dad shrugged. “I’m gonna say yes. You always were kind of oblivious.”
Yeah. I was always surprised when someone kissed me.
Except earlier today, when I’d been surprised I kissed someone.
And just before I left, when I’d asked Aiden if I could kiss him.
That meant something. Wanting to kiss Aiden meant something, even if I wasn’t sure what yet.
“I kissed him earlier,” I confessed softly.
“And?” Dad asked.
Yeah, and?
“That’s what I’m trying to figure out. We, umm. We were, uh. When we got back, we…”
“Were intimate?” Dad asked cautiously.
Blood rushed to my face. “That,” I said.
I’d never talked about sex with my dad and I wasn’t sure the kind of restaurant that had tablecloths was the ideal place to start.
“Okay,” Dad said. “I know about sex, just so we’re clear.”
I looked up at him. “You have two kids,” I said. “I know.”
Logically, I did know. I knew my parents had to have had sex at least twice, and I never planned to think about it beyond that knowledge.
Dad chuckled. We’d always had a similar sense of humor, and that was making this easier. Slightly easier. Not easy, though.
Then again, nothing worth having came easy. He’d taught me that.
Having an understanding with my dad, a real one, where we got to know the whole of each other, that was worth the effort and the awkwardness.
Aiden…
Aiden I was still deciding on.
“You don’t have to tell me any of the finer details,” Dad said. “But how do you feel about it?”
That was an excellent question, one I wasn’t sure I had an answer for.
“I don’t know,” I said. “Not bad. Good, even. Great?”
Dad raised an eyebrow.
“It was new, but not as new as I thought it’d be. Aiden’s…”
I didn’t want to say easy, because that wasn’t what I really meant. What I meant was that he wasn’t difficult. That things between us were easy, that I never really felt awkward around him, even though I really should have. That he put me at ease.
“Kind?” Dad suggested. “Warm? Funny? Confident?”
“All of those things,” I said. “And generous and talented and a lot braver than I am. Why is he interested in me?”
Other than a lingering teenage crush and proximity, what was Aiden getting out of this?
“You’d have to ask him that,” Dad said. “You’re not exactly hard on the eyes, if I say so myself.”
I looked a lot like my dad. I had Mom’s curls and her nose, but the rest of me was Dad. His sweeping cheekbones and gray eyes and perfectly average jawline.
“You think that’s it?” I asked, knowing he was teasing me but still wondering what the hell else it could be. I was a sad, lonely late-twenty-something who didn’t even have a fun party trick to entertain people with.
“I think you’re patient and quiet and smarter than anyone I know, your sister included, don’t ever tell her,” Dad said. “Wish you’d come work for me, to be honest. I know your mother wouldn’t approve, but…”
Right. Dad was a builder. No amount of owning his own company, growing it into a business with millions of dollars in turnover, being able to keep all four of us comfortably while we were all living together, or any of the
other things he’d accomplished really mattered to Mom.
She’d always taken the benefit, but she’d resented that dad barely had any qualifications to speak of, a high school diploma he’d scraped through and half a college degree from Slow Falls Community College.
My dad wasn’t stupid—no stupid person could have done what he did.
He was like Aiden, I supposed. Not cut out for endless hours behind a desk, studying or otherwise.
Meanwhile, my whole life was a job I didn’t care about and only kept because I was good at it and there was nothing else in particular that I wanted to do.
“Hate to break this to you,” I said. “But if you give me a hammer and a nail there’s a better than even chance I’ll end up nailed to the wall.”
Dad smiled wryly. “I meant as a project manager. That’s what you do, isn’t it? Could use someone with enough brains to get things in the general ballpark of correct. I’ve had to make frantic phone calls four or five times this month to get supplies that were never ordered delivered in time to save us losing weeks on a build. Honestly could use a reliable hand.”
Huh. Dad had never offered me a job before.
Probably because he was forbidden, something in the back of my mind told me.
Dinner arrived at that moment, and my stomach growled in anticipation. I made a mental note to text Aiden before I went back, make sure he’d eaten something and didn’t need me to bring him anything back.
It was just as well I had something to put in my mouth to stop me talking, because I could have said a whole lot of stupid things right now without thinking them through.
Things I needed to really think about before I gave them voice, even to my dad, who I knew I could trust.
The only person who had all the answers was me.
18
Aiden
I woke at the sound of the cabin door opening, blinking at the blurry figure of Carter coming inside, wiping sleep away from my eyes to look at him.
There was snow on his shoulders as he shrugged his coat off, sighing with relief as he approached the fire. It’d died down a bit, and I watched in a sleepy haze from my spot on the couch as he rolled his sleeves up to bring it back, forearms flexing as he tossed a new log onto it, strong shoulders moving under that touchable sweater.
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