But, I knew that wasn’t it. And I hadn’t really thought about why I chose the caverns. In a way, it was me wanting to share another part of myself with her. One of the few good memories I had of growing up. So stupid. I glanced over at her again. Her face was so beautiful. So peaceful. Then, passing under a street light, I saw the bruise on her cheek and it stabbed at my heart, emphasizing what a total uncaring jackass I was.
I vacillated like this for miles. I let her get hurt. I tried the best I could to defend her. I was using her for sex. It was so not about the sex. I could become a better man. I’d never change. I was a careless asshole. I never intended to do anything but love her. But, it was the story of my life. People I loved got hurt because of me. I thought about Devin. He didn’t do drugs until I asked him to join the band and Rafe introduced them to him. I liked to blame Rafe, but it was on me, too. I stole a peek at her again then barely made a curve when I refocused on the road. I was recklessly endangering her life again. I drove more cautiously. If I was going to do one thing right, I would fucking get her home tonight without anything else happening to her.
Like the nightmares about Devin, this day would haunt me forever. The visuals wouldn’t leave me. Her dress, unzippered. His evil face against hers, tense and threatening. Him fucking trying to look down her dress the first time he stopped us. And now, add to that seeing that bruise on her cheek while she slept. And the thing that would really weigh on me was the what-if. What if that guy didn’t want to get home for dinner, what would have happened then? The thought made my heart beat faster and my stomach roll. I checked on her. I had to know she was there, safe.
I mean, what the hell were they going to do with us after…whatever might have happened? Did they think we wouldn’t tell for some reason? Or did they have no intention of giving us the opportunity? Would we have ended up in a ditch somewhere, or at the bottom of a lake?
I decided to switch my thoughts to more pleasant ones. Like how I was going to sue the ass off those sons-of-bitches. I thought about how good it felt to punch that fucker. But even this was ruined by the thought it felt good only for me. She didn’t need any more violence after what she went through. Once again I was thinking about only me.
I returned to our conversations—her talking about thrusting, smiling as we ran out to the car, wrapping her in my arms. All of those memories now ruined because of their connection to what happened afterward. When I planned it, I wanted this to be such a fun day.
I blinked and we were taking the exit to her house. She woke with the change of speeds. “Hey. How are you feeling?”
How do you think she’s feeling, you moron?
Her voice was rough when she spoke, “Better.” She glanced around. “We’re here already? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to sleep that long. Did you struggle to stay awake?”
She was apologizing to me?
“Oh, no. You forget, I’m a wild rocker. Used to late nights.”
She nodded, but didn’t comment. No witty comeback. When we pulled in front of her place, I switched the ignition off but turned to her. “Grace, if you don’t want me here tonight, I can take a cab home. Just let me come in and pay Holly. I’ll pay her for the full time, plus a little extra.”
She latched onto my arm. “No. Please. I need you beside me. Please don’t leave me.”
I put my hand over hers. “Hey, hey, hey. If you want me here, that’s where I am.”
She nodded her head rapidly. Now there was no need to be brave, she seemed a little shaky.
I gave her what I hoped was a reassuring smile. “Let’s get you into a real bed.”
We texted, so they were expecting us. Grace greeted Holly and Jamie mechanically, but they didn’t seem to notice. And she didn’t fight me when I paid Holly.
“Time for bed, Jamie.”
My phone rang. “Sorry.” I glanced at the number. A Stanton area code. It could be Whitney or Tatum or someone from the police station. “Umm…I better take this. I’ll go out on the fire escape.”
She nodded dully and trudged off behind Jamie. Then I remembered Whitney and Tatum’s names would pop up if it was them. I tapped to answer the call as I walked to the kitchen and opened the window to the fire escape.
When I heard his voice, I froze.
“Well, Zaner. How the hell are ya?”
He was slurring, probably was drinking since late morning. Zaner? Whitney wouldn’t voluntarily tell him anything. Maybe he overheard her talking to Tatum. Hearing voices, I finished climbing out the window.
“What do you want?” A lead weight grew in my stomach. What a great way to finish the day. A call from my dear old stepdad, Tony Salvetti. I swung around to sit on one of the steps, closing my eyes and pinching the bridge of my nose.
“Oh, now. Is that any way to talk to your stepdaddy? Hmm…talkative as always.”
I exhaled. “Did you have a point, or were you simply calling to torture me?”
“Well who said it couldn’t be both?”
I’d give him a minute to say what he needed to say out of respect for my mom, but after that I’d hang up.
“Can you tell me why the hell you took my daughter from me to babysit for your newest whore’s little brat?”
My eyes popped open and I jumped to my feet. “Don’t talk about her like that.” I tried to keep my voice even, not wanting him to know he scored a point.
“Ohh. You actually like this girl, huh? Must be good in bed. Grace, I think her name is?”
“Don’t—” I wouldn’t lose it. “Don’t say her name.”
“Oh-ho-ho. Bothers ya, does it, when someone like me says her name? Grrace.”
You won’t bait me, you evil son-of-a-bitch.
“What’s wrong, Zaner? Where is she now? Getting lubed up for ya?”
I’m done with this phone call.
But I didn’t end the call. I didn’t know what was wrong with me that I had to listen to the hateful words coming out of that man’s mouth. Maybe it was because I was hating myself right now.
“You’re no fun tonight,” he said lightly. “What happened to the good ol’ Zane? The fuck up who’ll never amount to nothin’….”
So half of the globe knows who you are? You have platinum records hanging in your place?
“You always were a pussy. Playing piano instead of football. Burying your nose in books. Then you had to go and kill Devin Moore. Good kid, until he met you. You ruined him. You ruined him, and then you killed him. His mama’s never been the same, ya know that?”
Mrs. Moore was the best. The absolute best. I’d hung out at Devin’s house a lot to get away from Tony and she had always welcomed me. Not only welcomed me but showed interest in me and my music, even before Devin was in the band.
“I’m done with this.” I was about to push end but he yelled out. I brought it to my ear in case it was about the girls needing something.
“You still there, Zane?”
“Yeah. I’m still here.”
“Then let me end this conversation with a word of advice. If you really love that woman, you’ll get the hell out of her life before you screw it up like you did Devin’s. Stop thinking with your dick for once and let her go blow someone else. If you like her so much, I bet she’s good at it. She probably can—”
I disconnected and sat on the stairs again. I put my head in my hands. It pissed me off that he was still able to get to me. At least I didn’t let him force me into a tizzy. I could hide the pain from him now I was miles away home. To think when my mom first got married, I was excited about it. After not having a dad all my life, I was going to have one. I didn’t realize sometimes not having a dad is a blessing.
“Zane?”
I jumped, her voice startled me. “Are you okay?”
I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I’m fine.”
“He’s asking for you.” She seemed more relaxed. Jamie grounded her.
“Okay. Give me one more second.”
She turned away then spun back. “You’r
e sure you’re okay?” Her forehead was furrowed.
“Yeah, babe. I’m good. Just tired.”
“Okay, well I’m getting ready for bed. You’re coming in, right?”
I managed a smile. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”
She frowned, still trying to read me then walked away.
Tony was not an educated man. Dropped out of high school before his junior year. But he had one thing he was excellent at. Crushing me. He was smart enough to know if a grain of truth in something, people will swallow the lies with it. He was right about Devin. None of it would have happened if it weren’t for me. And he was also right about me being a fuck up.
I should have never attempted to have a relationship. Not with my baggage. My lifestyle. I’ll hurt her. Worse than I already did. And I can’t live with that.
It was time for me to exit stage left.
But I wouldn’t leave now. I promised to stay with her. One last night with her and Jamie.
Shit. I don’t know if I can do this.
I took a deep breath. Waiting wouldn’t make it any easier.
I stuck my head in Jamie’s door. “Hey.”
“Zaner!” he yelled. But I could only hear my stepfather’s mocking voice saying my nickname. Not this loving little boy. He stretched his arms out to me. I walked slowly over to him—wanting to remember this—and bent to give him a last hug. I closed my eyes and held on a little longer than necessary. He turned on his side, putting his hands palm to palm, as if in prayer, and slipping them under his cheek. I sat on the side of his bed, awkwardly giving his hip a couple of pats.
“So Jamie…you know your sister is a wonderful woman, right?”
He nodded. He looked tired.
“And as brother and sister, you watch out for each other, don’t you?”
“Gracie makes me pancakes.”
That made me chuckle. “Yes, she does. And you say they’re better than mine….”
“They are.”
“Okay.” I rubbed my chin. “You remember what I told you about kissing girls? That you need to be sure they want to kiss you before you do it. That’s very important.”
“Got it, Zaner.”
I love the way he says that.
What other pearls of wisdom did I want to dump on him? I wanted to make certain he didn’t grow up hating himself like I had.
“You are a really good kid, Jamie—” And that was the end of that. I gave him another hug to hide how emotional I was.
“I like when you tuck me in.” It stung.
You deserve better, kid.
“I like tucking you in, too.”
I got to my feet and was about to leave when he threw out, “You can do it all the time when you’re part of the family.”
For a second I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right. “What do you mean, bud?”
He yawned. “When you and Gracie get married.”
Wait. “Did she say something about getting married?”
He closed his eyes. “No. But when two people kiss a lot, they get married. And you and Gracie kiss a lot.”
I couldn’t speak over the lump in my throat, and even if I could, I didn’t know what to say. At the door I looked back. He was already snoring.
“Good night, little dude,” I whispered. I closed the door and laid my forehead on it.
Holy fuck. If this is killing me, how will I ever say goodbye to Grace?
I tried to gather my strength and composure. I walked toward her room like Jamie was holding onto my legs. But when I opened the door and saw her, I rushed to the bed. She was laying on top of her quilt in a short, silky, teal blue nightgown.
She smiled at me. “He asleep?”
“Before I even hit the door.”
She chuckled. All I could do was stare. She patted my side of the bed. “Well, come on, slow poke.”
“Oh.” I stripped off my clothes, down to my black briefs.
She watched, her eyes intently focused on me. She bounced across the bed and pulled the covers back before sliding in. “Zane? Aren’t you coming?”
“What? Oh, sorry. Spacing out.” I slipped under the sheet. “Like I said, I’m tired tonight.”
“I’m sorry I made you drive and didn’t even keep you company.”
“No. It wasn’t bad. It hit me after. When we got home.” Home?
We turned on our sides so we were looking at each other. She swiped her hand across my forehead, snagging a lock of hair and smoothing it in place. “Are you sure you’re okay?” She wrinkled her brow. “You’re acting kind of…I don’t know…weird.”
“It’s just….” I exhaled. “It’s been a long day.”
“You can say that again. I never thought I’d be arrested for indecent exposure. You’re a bad influence.” She was teasing, but the words were so true. “That kid who saw us is going to need some serious therapy.”
I propped myself on my elbow. “Grace, can I tell you something?”
“Of course.”
My brain was screaming, I love you! I love you! I wanted so badly for her to know it. But that wouldn’t be fair. “You’re an amazing woman. The way you take care of Jamie…running your own business…losing your parents at eighteen but pulling your shit together for your little brother…. I can’t tell you how much I…” love “…admire you.”
“I’m no hero, Zane. I simply did what I had to do.”
“Maybe, but you did it well. Jamie’s a great kid.”
“Thank you. Yes, he’s pretty special. But it wasn’t my doing. He—”
“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” I brushed the hair away from her face and cupped it, wanting to memorize everything about her. The way she laughed, the way she moved, her sense of humor, her voice, the way she looked tonight, that nightgown set off by her creamy skin.
“Zane?”
She sounded funny. I studied her. “What is it?”
She put her hand on my cheek and caressed it. “I want you to make it all go away. Like only you can do for me.”
I made love to her, pouring all of myself into every touch, every movement, every kiss. She fell asleep with a smile on her face. The moonlight, or streetlight, whatever it was, bathed her in a pearly glow. “I love you, Grace,” I whispered.
I left about two in the morning. Driving away from her, I seriously thought about steering my car into the side of the bridge spanning the Missouri River. But that would hurt her, too. I put my elbow on the doorframe, my hand planted flat, across my forehead, and let the tears fall. Why couldn’t I do anything right?
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Grace
The morning sun was glorious as it filtered in through my filmy curtains. I flipped over to snuggle in with Zane, but his side of the bed was empty.
It’s so strange how early he gets up, considering he’s a rocker.
I threw the covers back and hopped out of bed. It was amazing what a good night’s sleep would do. Rejuvenating my spirits and putting what happened yesterday into a different day. Everything always looked better in the morning. I grabbed my robe and flew out of my bedroom. When I got to the kitchen, Jamie was sitting at the table with a plate on a placemat in front of him, a fork in one hand, a knife in the other, gripped in his little fists, ends on the table.
“Whoa. You’re ready, aren’t you? Did you not allow Zane to make them because he burnt them the last time?”
“Zaner’s not here.”
“He’s not? I wonder if he went out to get donuts or something. Well, I’ll make you pancakes, and if he comes back with donuts, we can save your pancakes for tomorrow. Does that work?”
He nodded vigorously.
I finished the pancakes, and Jamie was digging in. Since we were supposed to have stayed at the B&B overnight, I had the day off. It was our last day to be together before Zane picked up the rest of the tour. Since Zane wasn’t back yet, I decided to hop in the shower. When I walked into the bathroom, I spotted a folded over piece of paper stuck to the mirror. The page was
torn from my magnetic shopping list pad on the refrigerator.
Aww. He left me a note. How sweet.
I pulled it down. All it said was, “I’m sorry. I can’t do it. This was a mistake.”
Can’t do what?
Confused, I stepped back out to the living room, bringing the note with me. “Jamie, did Zane say where he was going when he left?”
Without looking away from the TV he answered, “I haven’t seen him.”
“Hmm.” I stared at the paper again, but I still had no clue what he meant. “I’m jumping in the shower.”
Jamie made no acknowledgement he heard me.
I wonder if Zane’s planning something special for our last day.
Cautiously excited, I stepped into the shower. I didn’t hear his voice when I came out, but he was probably watching TV with Jamie. When I entered the living room, however, he was nowhere to be seen. “Did Zane get back?”
“Nope.”
“Only a half hour more of TV,” I warned. I found my cell and texted Zane asking him where he was. A half-hour later, I still hadn’t received a response. I was perplexed and didn’t know if I should start a project, or if he’d want to go somewhere when he returned. Jamie was coloring, so I decided to check Zane’s tour dates. That way, when he got back, we could figure out when we could get together on the road. Then I’d have something to look forward to that would get me through missing him. Chicago or Memphis seemed the best bets, but I was leaning toward Chicago, since it was the earliest, and I wouldn’t have to wait so long.
It made me think about how seamlessly Zane had slipped into our lives. I felt more alive when he was around. For the most part, I was living life as a continuous list of chores. Get up, feed Jamie, walk him to the bus, open the shop…. I mean, it was pleasant enough. It wasn’t drudgery.
ROCKED BY GRACE (LOVE AND CHAOS SERIES Book 1) Page 18