Wednesday was the worst. I couldn’t sit up, or think clearly. The pounding in my head was the equivalent to a tractor trailer rolling over my brain. The sheets stayed soaked, my sweat creating an oh-so-not-pleasant odor for everyone that visited. Nikki and Daniel stayed close by, cause my anxiety to spike. I kept reminding myself withdrawals wouldn’t kill me, but I wasn’t convinced. They’d finally knocked me out when it all became too much for me. The groaning and moaning annoyed even me, but I couldn’t stop. It was like I didn’t have control of my own body. It was not something I ever wanted to experience again.
It was now Friday, and I trudged to take a shower. Court was in two hours, and while I still felt like I’d been beaten and died a few times, I was slowly on the mend. I dressed in my nicest outfit. I was determined to impress the judge…and my lawyer. It killed me inside knowing I hadn’t called her after we made love. I wouldn’t blame her one bit if she wanted nothing to do with me. It was a shitty move on my part. I just hoped, prayed, she would forgive me when she found out the reason why. I was doing this for her, whether she knew it or not. It was for me, too, but she had inspired me to be better. To do more with my life. I was telling her today how I felt.
A knock on the door startled me. “Come in,” I called. I flung my legs over the side of the bed, standing slowly to greet my visitor.
Reid came waltzing in, dressed in khakis and a buttoned shirt. He looked nice, and had a huge smile adorning his face. “Morning, Cade,” he greeted. He exuded happiness and stability.
At this moment, with my head throbbing and my body weak, I hated, yet envied him. “Hey,” I said, dryly. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about this guy. Could be the way my body felt, could be a legit reason. I didn’t know yet.
“Are you ready to go? Your lawyer wants to meet you a little early to go over things,” he said, surprising me.
“Go? You’re going to court with me?” I questioned.
“Yeah, a counselor has to escort you, and I volunteered. I get the feeling we need to get to know each other better, so I figured this would be a good way,” he explained, his wide smile not faltering. How was he so happy all the time? It was annoying.
“Right,” I said sarcastically. I checked my hair in the mirror, smoothing the wild ends down. I slid my wallet into my pocket, went to grab my keys but remembered I didn’t need them, so I put on my shoes instead. “I’m ready,” I told him, stuffing both hands in my front pockets.
“Let’s go,” he instructed, opening the door and leading the way down the hall.
The ride over was quite. Reid talked, a lot, but I didn’t answer much. I gave as many “yes” and “no” replies as I could muster. The courthouse came into view and my heart started that fluttering thing it did when I saw Francesca. Great, now it happened at the thought of being around her. I had it bad.
“Cade, I get the feeling you don’t like me,” Reid observed, parking the car.
“Yeah…I’m not sure how I feel about you yet,” I admitted. New Cade wasn’t going to lie, might as well start with a stranger.
“Cade…you can get here, too. I only want to help you. I think we’d be great friends. I know exactly how you feel right now, like a semi ran over you, then backed up and did it again. I know because I’ve been there. It’s up to you whether you take advantage of that or not, but know that I’m here as a friend and a counselor.” His sincerity hit me deep.
“This is hard, you know?” I said quietly. Admitting my faults wasn’t something I was used to.
“I know all too well, Cade,” he replied. He stared out the window, lost in his thoughts.
Movement to my right made me turn. Francesca was walking around to the passenger side of her car, pulling out her briefcase and other necessities. My breath caught at seeing her. Her face was flawless, though her eyes looked sad. Blonde tresses were pulled into a low ponytail. Her outfit fit perfectly, showing off every curve I’d ran my hands over. She was beautiful and had no idea.
“Cade?” Reid asked beside me.
“Yeah?” My eyes didn’t leave her. I don’t think I even blinked.
“You ok?” Who is that?” he chuckled.
“My lawyer,” I replied, not budging.
“You have a hot lawyer,” he said. I felt him move to look around me.
I snapped around, glaring at him. “Don’t look at her like that,” I commanded. My voice was harsh, lethal.
His hands shot up in surrender. “Just making an observation. While I’m at it…you got a thing for your lawyer, huh?” he smiled wickedly. Damn, he was annoying.
I shrugged, “We have history. You ready?” I asked, grabbing hold of the handle.
“Yeah, I’ll keep a distance so you two can talk,” he said, much to my pleasure. At least the guy can take a hint.
We got out of the car and I called her name. She stopped, turning to me in slow motion. Our eyes met and my knees weakened. How did she do this to me? I walked forward, taking my steps carefully. “Francesca, we need to talk,” I said. My hand itched to reach out and touch her, but I wasn’t sure how she would react.
“Cade,” she said, her voice breaking. She was hurt. Again.
“I know, I’m sorry, I have to tell you something. Let’s go in?” I suggested, nodding to the double doors staring at us.
She nodded. She didn’t speak. I didn’t know if it was because she wouldn’t, or couldn’t. My heart broke knowing I’d probably made her cry. We stepped inside, and she directed me to a little room on the side. Reid was following behind us, but not close enough to invade our privacy.
“What’s the bodyguard for?” she asked. There was a bite to her reply that wasn’t normal.
“I’m about to tell you,” I said, “He’s not a bodyguard though.”
We sat in the room, facing each other. I was nervous…like shaking hands, knotted stomach, I-may-puke-on-her nervous. She tapped her fingernail against the table, her brows raised as she watched me expectantly. Now that I was here, under her gaze, I wasn’t sure where to begin.
“Saturday morning I was having alcohol withdrawals. I was embarrassed and didn’t want you to know, so I had you call Cason. He made me promise to talk to someone Monday. Well, me being the weak bastard that I am, called a friend to bring me liquor as soon as I got home. I meant to call you Sunday, but I was so drunk I forgot. Monday rolled around, Cason showed up and dragged me to a therapist office,” I started.
Her eyes were wide as she listened. She was in a trance, her mouth slightly open from the shock of it all. She waved her fingers about, motioning for me to continue.
“When I got there, we talked…and she recommended rehab. Francesca, I’m in rehab. The last few days have been hell as I’ve been detoxing. I feel like I could die but none of it matters because seeing you, the look on your face, the hurt in your eyes, is worse. I’m so sorry I hurt you. I’m not allowed to contact anyone on the outside for two weeks. After that, I can only see family. My dad is paying for this place and it’s really ‘high class’,” I told her, using air quotes. “They say having outside contact may hinder the process. I’m sorry. I don’t know how many times to tell you this for you to know it. Francesca…the night you stayed with me was the best night of my life. I’ve never felt more alive, more loved, happier, than when I hold you in my arms. Seeing your face makes my heart beat faster, in a good way, and I feel this calmness come over me. I don’t know why, but it’s always been this way with you. I understand if you can’t forgive me, and I know you could do better, but I’m going to try my damnedest to make it up to you when I get out of here. I don’t care if it takes a year, or ten, or even twenty. I will make you see how much I care.” I laid it all out on the table for her. I placed my hands in the praying position, holding them in front of my face.
Her gaze was steady and calm. Her eyes betrayed her, though, because they were swimming in emotion. I couldn’t tell if it was happiness, sadness, or confu
sion. Perhaps it was a combination of the three. Her chest rose and fell as she breathed. She bit her lip, telling me she was thinking, but the wait was killing me. I couldn’t sit in the silence anymore.
“Reid, the bodyguard as you called him, is a sponsor and part time counselor. He’s a recovered addict, and I had to be escorted here today. My body is weak still, and I know I would go to the liquor store given the chance, so he brought me. He figured out that I’m in love with you and said he’d keep his distance. He seems like a nice guy, he’s just a little too happy for my liking in my current state,” I explained.
“Are you ok?” her voice asked softly. She sounded scared and small. Not like Francesca at all.
“I will be,” I said. I braved reaching my hand across to comfort her. Her slender fingers moved beneath mine. I was scared she was pulling away, but she didn’t. Big brown eyes never left my gaze.
“You really want this? Cason or your dad didn’t pressure you?” she inquired. She had doubts about me.
Who could blame her? I’d never given her a reason to think I’d wanted to change. Hell, I hadn’t wanted to change before now. “I want this 100%. You inspire me to do better. I’ll be thirty years old in a few years and have nothing to show for it. It’s time I grow up, take responsibility, and stop hiding behind my addiction.”
She continued to stare at me, her eyes penetrating my soul. I was certain she wouldn’t say anything else, just go in court, represent me, and that be that. My heart was slowly dying at the thought, but what could I do? Then she spoke.
Mangled Hearts Page 28