The launch party for the grand opening of my law office was less than a week away. My nerves were getting worse, the sinking, nauseous feeling following me around everywhere I went. Starting a business was a huge risk, I could fail. I could succeed, but that wasn’t nearly as scary as failure. Why was it that when faced with something new and terrifying, humans always thought of the worst possible outcome? Why was it so difficult to think of the good? The positive of any given situation? These thoughts had been heavy on my mind the past two weeks, the closer I got to opening, the more falling on my face seemed like the most likely outcome.
Cade’s letters had become vague about his release date. I didn’t know if he wasn’t doing as well as he was, if he’d exaggerated how well from the beginning, or if he changed his mind about me. None of the options gave me a good feeling. I tried to not worry about it, but it was really difficult not to. I missed his eyes gazing into mine like I was the only girl he ever saw, the way his silky brown hair was mussed in all directions, the slight, sexy grin he gave me at every comment I made. My heart hurt at the thought of losing him again. I didn’t know if I would ever be able to love anyone the way I loved Cade.
Daphne made me sign and address every invitation for the party. She wanted to them to be “personalized” and thought that if she helped me, someone would find out and bad mouth me for it. I didn’t know if she was crazy or a genius. So I sat and hand wrote one hundred invitations for the party. My hands felt like they would fall off at any moment, but they had to go out tomorrow, so I was stuck until I finished. I glanced at the latest letter from Cade, willing myself to not open and read it again. This would be the fifth time, but I kept on. Each time I hoped I would see something I didn’t the time before, some hidden meaning to let me know everything was still good with us. I finally gave in, laying my pen aside and holding the paper in my shaky hands.
Francesca,
How are you? The office looks great. I hope you have a great time with the rest of the decorations and getting ready for the party. It sounds like it will be fun. I’m sure you’ll have a blast and get a lot of clients from it.
Daphne sounds like she will make sure everything runs smoothly. It’s good you have a friend on your side when you’re doing something new. How is the lawsuit? I hope it’s over by now. You haven’t mentioned it, so I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.
Getting Hamlet a friend will be good, I think. I’m sure he will enjoy having a playmate. I don’t know when I’m getting out, so maybe you should go ahead and get one so you don’t have to wait. I don’t want you to put things on hold for me. It’s not fair to you. I’ve hurt you enough in this life and I can’t stand the thought of doing it more. If you want a cat, go get one. If you really want to wait, then I’m fine with that, but don’t do it just because of me.
Reid wants me to stay with him when I’m released. He thinks it would be good for me to have him as a soundboard while I deal with all the outpatient stuff. I feel like it’s a good idea to do it. Everyone keeps saying the first few months I’m in the real world again will be the hardest, and I don’t want to screw up.
I wish I could tell you when I’m getting out or be there for you during all of this. My heart is heavy with regret. You’ve done so much for me, been there for me through everything, and I always abandon you. For alcohol, another girl, or some other reason, like needing rehab to kick my addiction. I know you deserve better, Francesca. I’m so honored you feel I’m worthy. I hope I someday measure up to the man you feel that I am. It’s so hard, being in here, knowing I’m getting help and it’s for the best, but also knowing I can’t see you or be with you during all of this. You should have all the love and support that you give, and I can’t do that. I never have.
Anyways, I hope I hear from you before the launch, but I understand if I don’t. I know you’re busy and your time is taken up. I hope everything goes extremely well for you, but I somehow just know it will. You are still on my mind all the time, and I do apologize for all the pain I’ve brought you. I know you don’t want to keep hearing me repeat these things, but I really need you to understand how sorry I am. I will always love you, Francesca, I always have. It’s you, and you alone. I hope you’ll invite Reid to your opening, because he’s been excited about it when we talk. He can give me all the details that way, too. Until we speak again, my thoughts are consumed with you.
Love,
Cade
Confusion took over most of my emotions lately. He seemed to love me, but did he want to be with me? The insecurity he has seemed to be growing, and while I understood it, I didn’t know how to make him see I’d forgiven him. He had to forgive himself for it to mean anything, though.
I lay the paper aside, guiding my pen back to the envelopes. Only twenty-five more to address and I would be finished. I was in desperate need of sleep, because tomorrow Daphne promised me a day of shopping for the perfect outfit. I was dreading it. I closed my mind to all things Cade Kelling, concentrating on the task at hand until my eyelids could no longer stay open.
Mangled Hearts Page 35