by Tessa Lynne
My dearest Teresa, it is too early to awaken you, just before dawn. I have had such disturbing dreams that sleep has become a source of anxiety. I find solace in thoughts of my love for you. I would rather endure the pain of my illness again than this agony of being apart. I fear I will never know your touch, your kiss, your sweet embrace.
As the day goes on, I am feeling even worse. J.T. wasn’t available so I tried his pager, but he hasn’t called back. I try to write but the words do not come. Will you allow me the luxury of falling asleep in your arms? I will try to obliterate the demons. Je t’aime, ma Chérie
Michael, I have one wish—that you will come back to me. I was told that Vince found you, unconscious, with no idea for how long. Amelia knew but Maeve wasn’t home, so all she could do was influence Vince to stop by. Now she and Zachary will do all that is in their power, and they have asked Eli for his assistance. I am staying positive and hopeful. My fervent wish is to be there by your side, to hold your hand, to speak to you of my love. I know that you would hear me, you would feel my touch.
I have several clients this afternoon, so I will need to turn my thoughts to others for a few hours. I have no choice but to put each disparate element of my life in its own compartment, to briefly shut you out. I trust that Mahalia will be there with you.
I now know details—a virus has invaded the membrane that surrounds your brain, likely caught on your flight home from California. Amelia is assisting your doctors, influencing them to act according to her greater knowledge. She said she will write a message for you when you are able to speak. I will treasure even one word from you. I know you are trying to come back. Did you feel my kiss upon your lips, your brow?
I need to go out of town tomorrow to testify in court, to where I am quite certain now that you used to live, a four-hour drive. How do I not drive four hours more and try to find you? It is only because our future would be at stake that I dare not take that risk.
It was still light when I got home. I stopped outside to pick some April flowers, sturdy grape hyacinths that speak to my hope and faith and love. Is your music there now? I asked Amelia if she would arrange it. I have been listening to “Running on Faith” from Eric Clapton’s Unplugged album, the chorus a wish and a prayer as I reach out to you.
My love, I know you have been worried. Vince and Amelia have both offered to write for me, but I know how much it will mean to you to have this from my hand. Thank you for your unwavering support. Yes, I did feel your touch, your hand in mine … this is all I can manage.
Sweetheart, I want a future with you and our daughters so very much that it is all I think about, but now I must face an unbearable reality. Amelia said the experimental drug I am on was made available through Eli’s powers. I hope their efforts have not been in vain. I don’t seem to have the strength to fight any more than I am now. It has taken me awhile to write this much. I can’t keep focused ….
Time has stood still. I have no conscious memory of this past week. You will have to excuse my writing, which looks almost impossible to read, but I am very weak. I have been aware of your presence, kissing me softly. I love you, sweetness.
My dearest Michael, I wish for you all the miracles in the world. I chose this card because I know our angels are doing all that is within their power. Amelia said, “We have not worked on your behalf all this time only to give up now.” Zachary said, “Eli would not be so eager to help Michael if he did not know the Council’s final decision will be in your favor.” I am filled with hope and gratitude.
Dear Teresa, Dad fell asleep while writing this letter. I found it here beside him. The beautiful card you sent is in his hand. He loves you a lot and I guess you must love him too. I can’t pretend to know how all of this is possible. I’m not even sure I believe everything, but as long as the two of you know what is going on, I guess it is okay with me. The one thing I don’t understand is why you are not here. He really needs you now. He said you can’t be together until he is in remission. What if that doesn’t happen? He’s starting to wake up again. Vince
I see my son has taken some liberties with my letter. Don’t worry about him, darling; he doesn’t understand. I sent him to get me a soda so I can put this where Amelia will find it. I have felt you near. Je t’aime, ma Chérie.
My sweet love, you deserve so much better than this. What do I have to offer you? The thoughts I have are breaking my heart. I can’t stop them, so I will rest now and be with you in my dreams, where all is right with our world. I have felt you reaching out to me … so near … yet so far away.
Dearest heart, first I will answer your question of what you have to offer me—you need offer nothing more than yourself. It is you that I want, Michael, not a perfect specimen of good health or a guarantee.
I am enclosing a letter to Vince, to explain a little of our history and to ease his mind as to why I am not there with you. I realized as I wrote to him that I already think of him as my son. As much as you envision life with me and our girls, Vince too will be a part of our family, even if he will not be living with us.
I am pleased that you have liked the cards and my new fragrance. I agree that it is more sensual, even erotic—why do you think I chose it?
This virus has taken a larger toll than first thought. Certain tissues are more susceptible—the membranes surrounding the brain and the heart. So far, the drug has only had access to my brain, but they have now obtained it in IV form. I can’t help but wonder what will be next. Why is this happening to me now?
Maeve was here with Vince and Tara. Knowing Amelia would come, I sent the kids to the cafeteria, and she talked to me about resuming my meditation. I have tried to, but I can’t concentrate. She said you suggested that I start to meditate before I rest and then let the process continue in my sleep. I will try it.
Sweetness, have I told you how much I like your new scent? It clings to the heavier paper of the cards, imparting a richness that your writing paper does not. It isn’t a floral scent, or a spicy one, but some subtle combination, plus some citrus notes, that I was instantly infatuated with.
Dear Teresa, I am at a complete loss as to what to say. I don’t know anything about the supernatural, but I do know you are the best thing that has happened to my dad in a very long time. I’m inclined to think I don’t care if you’re the Virgin Mary herself as long as whatever you’re doing keeps helping him. Dad said I will meet Amelia, but someone has always been in the room when Maeve has visited. She probably thinks I’m a geek for looking at her so weirdly. This is all a little bizarre, if you don’t mind me saying so.
I am grateful to you for the support and love you have given my dad. I believe you have made all the difference. Something very positive happened to turn things around for him at the hospice last fall. I don’t think it was his chemotherapy. Do you mind if I write again? As ever, Vince.
I have had a wonderful dream. Before I went to sleep, I thought of ways to fight the enemy within. I asked myself: what in my life have been the most powerful influences? First and foremost was my encounter with the Light; it was a life-altering, all-encompassing experience. Second is you and our love; you give me strength, happiness, and intense fulfillment. Third is Vince; his love and support are unfailing. He has my blood in his veins and is my legacy—our son. I called upon the power of the Light, the strength of our love, and the tenacity and vitality of youth to overpower my enemy. The battle was fierce, but when the smoke cleared we stood among the ashes—ready to resume the fight.
I felt your touch last night, and then again this morning, as surely as I felt your locket in my hand. I remove it only during the scans. Every day I touch it to my lips. It holds within it your essence. I like to think that Mahalia inhabits it when she is close.
This card speaks of the earth’s treasures, of peace, and of the harmony of nature. Michael mine, you are my treasure of this earth. We have a natural harmony that is reflected in the places we love, in which we will love. I will find true peace and stillness when y
ou are here with me. Until then, I will seek you among the beauty of nature, and I will reach out to you for the peace I find only in your presence.
J.T. just left. There is still fluid building up around my heart, but he thinks it is manageable with the medication. I am allowed to go the few steps to the bathroom but that is it. He has scheduled an MRI for tomorrow.
Amelia suggested that I add a more realistic approach to my meditation by visualizing my body—muscles, bones, organs, down to their cellular structures—growing stronger. She said, “Total relaxation, conscious breathing, and a positive attitude are all important. If you enter the dream state with those factors, plus the belief that your body is stronger than the virus, your subconscious will have the right ingredients for effective healing while you sleep.” Exactly what I had been focusing on at home.
I do feel better, stronger than I have in a while, and the pressure in my chest is less. I dreamt of making my body stronger, muscle by muscle, cell by cell. I saw my tissues repelling the virus, becoming immune to its attacks, and I dreamt of peace and serenity calming the inflammation. I feel less afraid.
Sweetness, there are so many ways that you replenish me. The words “Michael mine” make my heart swell with pride and so much love for you. I am yours for eternity.
I was so pleased to get a letter from Vince and will write to him again. I was amused by his reference to the Virgin Mary. He doesn’t know that I am often as confused by all of this as he is. I understand his not wanting to read the “mushy” parts of our letters, so I will keep it to a minimum. I’ve read parts of his letters to the girls. They are looking forward to having him in their lives, and they often ask about you and send their love.
Dear Teresa, it is difficult for me to write to you under these circumstances, but I know Dad would want me to. You probably already know that he had a severe heart attack during his MRI. We aren’t certain how much damage was done, but his mitral valve doesn’t close as it should. He isn’t strong enough to tolerate any more tests. He says your name a lot while he is sleeping. The two of you must have something real special going on. As I told you before, I think you’re the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. Vince
Sweet Michael mine, you have brought new meaning to my life, have touched unknown chords deep within my heart, my soul—at the very center of my being. Let my love surround you, enfold you, give you strength and comfort; feel my kiss upon your lips, the touch of my hand in yours. Let me lie by your side, and hold you close.
I know we have been together in your dreams and that you reach out to me. I have felt the essence of your love, sweet and tender, strong and enduring; your body is weakened but not your love, or mine. I will wait as long as it takes for you to come to me.
You may not be able to write for a while, so please remember this—I know that you love me, that you will do all that you can to come back to me, that you say my name and call me sweetness.
Teresa, we were on the same wave length. I saw the letter with both our names on it by his bed, and I read it to him as you asked me to. I must have really murdered the French, because he smiled as I stumbled over that part. It is a beautiful letter and, might I add, that is some pretty dynamite perfume. Dad asked to sniff the paper and that really made him smile. He held it to his face for several minutes before he kissed it where you had. He asked me to tell you that he “loves you more today than yesterday,” and then he mumbled something that sounded like “weakness,” but I’m not sure that was it.
I can tell from your letter that you really do love him and that you would be here if it were possible. Just keep doing what you are doing. I don’t understand it, but he feels that somehow you are with him when he sleeps. I’ll just fold this and leave it here in the same place yours was and hope whoever does the delivery will take it to you. Vince
Michael, I have been lost in reverie of precious moments we have shared, savoring the experience of having been so well loved by you. We share so many memories—the incredible, the romantic, the intensely physical, and the deeply spiritual. I know you are fighting to come back, that you want to add to our memories. I am fighting with you, reaching out to you with love and support, faith and hope. Were you with me as I sat in the sun in a clearing in the woods? Did you sense the energy and healing I sent your way? Do you know how great a part you are of every aspect of my life, how empty it would be without you? I pray that I will never have to know your absence from my physical life. You will never be absent from my heart.
Dear Teresa, Dad is doing better, getting a little stronger every day. He read your letter tonight by himself. I’m glad I didn’t have to read the French out loud again. You are right that I love him very much. We’ve been through a lot together. I’ve thought so many times that he wasn’t going to make it. I would try to prepare myself for the possibility, but I don’t think anyone can be ready for that. I think you are right about a few other things too. I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I think we would all make one hell of a nice family, kid sisters and all.
Dad is sleeping again now, so I had better get back to the floor. Would you please tell Kenna and Callie hello from me? I would say something big brotherly to pass on to them, but they will probably gang up on me when we meet, so I better not. I am an only child, so it is kind of fun to imagine life with two kid sisters. Have I told you that Dad really likes your perfume? Me too! Love, Vince
Michael mine, I am relieved to hear that you have been steadily conscious and off the respirator, but best of all was to hear your message, passed from Amelia to Zachary to me, that you love me. It was like music to my ears to hear it from your lips, more or less, within minutes after you spoke the words.
I sense a greater strength now when I reach out to you—there is more energy at the end of whatever wavelength we are on. You will gain strength every day and we will have our life together. To know that we almost lost you has given me a new perspective, more patience. I am thankful for what we have now—the rest will come in time.
Hello, sweetness. I am not very steady with my hand yet, but I hope you can read this. I am getting stronger. I try to spend a little time when I’m awake reading my cards and inhaling your beautiful scent. They’ve had me sitting on the side of the bed and standing for a few minutes, so I’m a little shaky and tired right now. Before I go, I must tell you that I have felt you near—in all the ways we’ve been close these past months. My dreams have been of our past, our present, and the future that awaits us.
What a beautiful gift, your letter. I know it took a lot of effort for you to write. I am grateful for another gift you have brought into my life—a son.
You are right that I have never been far away, but I expect it is sometimes not my presence but that of Mahalia you sense. I know she communicates my thoughts and feelings when I cannot, and she brings her own immeasurable love to you and, of course, to her Alexander.
My dear, sweet love, I have felt you so near throughout the afternoon, have heard you say my name, and have thrilled to the sound of “Michael mine.” Do you have my letter yet, sweetness? How can I bear to let you go? You deserve so much more than this.
I have read your letter, twice. Darling, thank you for what you said about Vince. I think often of our other son, have dreamt of him, and wonder if he is waiting for me. I think you’re right that Mahalia is often close, for I hear Alexander’s name in my dreams. I love you so very much.
24. Hope Returns
May
Michael, I am thrilled with Amelia’s report of your progress. She also told me of your thoughts of releasing me. My sweet love, it is in your power to release me—it is not in your power to make me go. You will not be rid of me so easily. As I write, I look out at a profusion of rosy pink blossoms on the crabapple tree I planted ten years ago; the clump of river birch I planted last year, its unfurling leaves lit by the sun; and a plump, red-breasted robin pulling a worm from the rain-soaked earth. I see you here with me—before the leaves have fallen from the trees.
Sweetness, it is either late at night or early in the morning. They have tried to get me to go back to sleep, but I begged them to let me write for a while. I am sorry to have written so stupidly about you letting me go. The depth of your love is evident. I will fight with all the power I have to come to you.
Have I told you that Maeve shaves me every morning and spoils me with baked goods? I am sending her some flowers for Mother’s Day. One of the nurses said that I am lucky to have my mother come every day—I didn’t correct her.
I am finally out of the ICU and in a regular room on the 6th floor, with a view of the parking lot. I watch the people far below and wish that I was one of them. Had you missed the scent of my aftershave? You were right that I need my daily fix of your scent.
My mother is here for a week, back from Arizona. We’ve been catching up, spending time with the girls, and going to every nursery in town for garden plants. Early this morning, we walked on the island, where the air was filled with the sweetly sharp scent of chokecherry bark. I plan to tell her about you, that a former colleague played matchmaker. I want to share my joy with others and hear them ask me about you.
Last week, I told Sally a condensed version of our history. She remembers when I reached out to her, that she was aware of a positive force, not realizing until now what it had been. It was so distinctive a memory for her that she knew immediately the time to which I was referring. A few weeks ago, I informed her that Zachary is her guardian, which fits better with her experience of him than that he had his origins within the depths of her unconscious mind.