“I have a creative vision I want to turn into a reality. I own my own business, The Speed Brand, and I have so many stories I want to tell about myself, my family, where I’m from, and other narratives I’ve come up with. I come from an entertainment family and I want to do more projects with them.”
“That’s a beautiful thing to be able to work with your family. And I must say I have an immense amount of respect for people who run their own business.”
“So, what about you?”
“Well, besides taking over the world, I want to use AI to help make the world a better place. I have some ideas about how AI can be used to help improve diagnosis and treatment of disease and also how it can be applied in people’s day-to-day lives.”
“Wow, I would love to hear more about that.”
“Thirty seconds remaining,” announced a voice over the pod’s intercom. “Please wrap up your date.” Ten minutes had flown by in what seemed like moments. I felt a pang of disappointment as we said our good-byes. Now the experiment felt like a tease. Here we were starting to kindle our initial sparks, yet Production had all these rules about how long the dates were and whom we went on dates with. I didn’t want to go on the remaining five dates I had that day; I wanted to get to know Lauren more. Nevertheless, as I stepped into the bright light of the hallway I was grinning ear to ear.
Lauren
That first date with Cameron was on a different level. I felt a few sparks with some of the other guys, but it was purely flirtatious fun. Damian and I had a few pleasant dates, but as with Cam and Diamond, the relationship pretty quickly settled on platonic ground. I also got along well with Matt—not Matt Barnett, the other Matt, or Boxer Matt as we called him because he ran a boxing gym. We had interesting discussions about the nature of love and relationships. But after a few dates, as my feelings for Cam deepened, it turned into this therapist/client dynamic with Boxer Matt where he would ask questions to get into my head as a way to understand the LIB experiment that we were both going through. It became a little strange, though not to the extent of some of my other dates. Let me tell you, there were some odd characters in the mix. Those casting agents knew what they were doing!
I remember one guy saying, within the first minute of the first date, “Are you Black? Because you sound Black.”
“No, I’m white,” I responded, just to mess with his head a little. I mean, the whole point of the show was to not focus on appearances! Hello!!!
I also remember talking to Carlton for the first time. So many of the girls were crazy about Carlton. “Ooh, he’s so smooth,” they said. “He’s so this. He’s so that.” For me, after our first date I was like, Nah, it’s just not clicking for me. He was too smooth.
With a lot of the guys, I had this sense that they were trying to hide something. They would drone on and on about their career accomplishments or they would take the opposite approach and pretend to be extra sensitive and self-aware. In both cases, it felt like not everyone was being honest about who they really were. They thought they were impressing me. Nope! I was bored!
This disconnect is something I’d seen so much during my dating life in the outside world. People are so afraid to be themselves. So they fall back on their representative, that persona they present when first meeting someone because they believe it will impress. They’re afraid that if they reveal their true self right away, it will scare the other person off. That’s such a crazy thought process. Why are you afraid to be yourself with someone you’re considering dating or possibly marrying—even having kids with? Or having sex with? Why, as a society, are people so afraid to be themselves and to be judged? Not to mention loved?
Cameron was just the opposite. During our first date, I felt his honesty and warmth. He shared with me intimate details about his family, including the fact that his mom has Parkinson’s and how that’s something he struggles with, wanting to do more to keep her healthy. And he talked about his ambitions as a scientist. There was also a playfulness to him that I found very comforting.
Cameron
It was easy to keep it playful with Lauren while also having serious discussions because there was no artifice between us: I could tell she was being genuine with me by the way she opened up about the difficulties she had experienced in her life such as her parents’ divorce and having been cheated on in a past relationship. I, too, had been cheated on in the past, but I only felt comfortable talking to Lauren about it. I talked to her about my mom’s health concerns and my feeling responsible for finding a solution to them.
Lauren and I also talked about our lifestyles. I was transparent about the fact that my career and my family are my main focus in life and that I didn’t spend a lot of time going out or socializing. We bonded over both being self-proclaimed hermits, while still appreciating the chance to go on an adventure. On dates with other women in the pods, I got the sense they were looking for guys with particular traits and lifestyle choices. On dates with Jessica and Amber, for example, I could tell they were interested in guys who are into sports. On dates with Brianna and some of the other women, they expressed a desire for a man with particular religious beliefs. Some women wanted a partner who was down to party and who was also the life of the party. In each one of these dates, I let these women know the truth about who I am. While this led to a sudden mutual understanding that most of these dates weren’t going anywhere, Lauren accepted me for me. I wasn’t about to feign interest in something or someone and I didn’t need to. I had met someone who was truly interested in me for me, not who she wanted me to be, and I was falling for her.
We all have unique personalities. I’ve always believed that one of my defining characteristics is a willingness to show emotion, and I view that as a strength. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you are opening yourself up for the other person to reject you or put you down in some way. But if you have the inner confidence to take that chance and you end up finding a person who accepts you, then the relationship begins on a foundation of support and empathy, potentially leading to a deep and meaningful love.
Lauren and I shared that willingness to be vulnerable from the very beginning. We were able to find the balance between keeping it fun and flirtatious while also asking each other the serious questions we knew we needed to ask: “What are your career goals?” “How do you feel about raising children?” “What do you truly believe in?” “What are your biggest fears?” “What’s something you have done that you’re really proud of?” “What’s something you’ve done you aren’t proud of?” “Why do you think your past relationships didn’t work out?” “What do you feel like you need in life to be truly happy?”
Conventional wisdom cautions us not to get too serious too fast, like it’s somehow wrong to show genuine interest in the other person, whether it’s by asking them earnest questions or responding too quickly to their texts. I could tell right away that Lauren, like me, wasn’t into that kind of game-playing. Our connection felt fated from the first date, and that feeling strengthened with each conversation that followed. Our chemistry grew exponentially because of how vulnerable we were willing to be with each other. Not a minute in the pods was wasted.
I’ll admit this was all a little terrifying, as I had to concede to the possibility that the woman I was starting to fall for might not conform to my conception of beauty. During later dates with other women, I would sometimes ask what Lauren looked like, but I only ever got vague descriptions. “She’s very graceful,” they’d say. Or “she carries herself well.” None of them ever told me how stunning she is, maybe because they were trying to maintain a competitive edge. We were all technically dating each other, after all! Regardless, I was becoming so enamored with Lauren that I told myself we would be able to work through it if the physical chemistry wasn’t there. Fortunately, we never had to put that theory to the test. I knew my feelings for Lauren were worth taking a leap of faith, without knowing what awaited me when I landed. Falling in love sight unseen is not for the faint of he
art.
Lauren
With Cameron and Love Is Blind, that’s the first time I felt the spark go off without anything physical. Usually there’s at least a picture on Instagram. But in this case, there was just this voice on the other side of the wall. That was kind of liberating. Because, let’s face it, physical appearances can complicate dating. Maybe you don’t really feel any spark, but you keep dating the person because they’re attractive. You say to yourself, “I’m not really into this person, but maybe it will change; maybe the chemistry will grow.” Then you end up in a relationship with no emotional or intellectual core.
It’s even worse in the age of dating apps, which are almost entirely based on what people look like. You see someone attractive who you want to pursue, and you simply double tap or swipe right. And on other social media apps, like Instagram and Facebook, we tend to buy into attractive, shiny, beautiful pictures. We’re less inclined to think, I really like this person’s personality!
Love Is Blind took away all those surface-level things—the physical contact and attraction, the first kiss, the sex. It was dating based purely on conversation and connection. If you didn’t feel the connection, you moved on. There would probably be a lot fewer hearts broken and years lost to dead-end relationships if the same thing happened in the real world.
Cameron
Though to be clear, not everyone on the show was having the same experience as Lauren and me. On day three, I returned to the men’s lounge from a date and noticed that half the guys were missing. Those of us who remained started nervously chatting, asking if anyone knew what was going on. A few minutes later, the executive producers came into the lounge.
“As I’m sure you’ve noticed, some of the guys are no longer in the facility with us,” one of the producers said. “The fact is, they weren’t making connections, so we decided to send them home. The good news is that this will give you all more time to concentrate on the people on the other side of the wall who you are building connections with.”
There was a collective panic building among the remaining men. Production had not mentioned anything about people being sent home until that day. Everyone was looking wide-eyed at each other, likely calculating whether they were next to be eliminated. While I had considered the possibility that some of us would be cut, it was another thing entirely to have this speculation confirmed. Despite the uneasiness in the air, I felt a strange sense of calm. Lauren and I had already formed a strong connection and I knew the producers had recognized that as well. It was also becoming more and more apparent who Production was interested in by how much camera time they received. It seemed the cameras were constantly focused on Damian, Mark, Kenny, Barnett, Carlton, and me.
Still, later that night I heeded the advice of the producers and went back to my room to do some serious reflecting in my journal. I had my mom’s voice in my head saying, Don’t get caught up in the glamour of the show and the romance of it all. My mind kept coming back to Lauren. I played devil’s advocate with myself, racking my brain for possible red flags to make absolutely certain that I wasn’t mistaking the whirlwind experience of the show for romance. I couldn’t come up with any warning signs, but I did jot down some more questions I felt were important tests of true compatibility:
If we were to get into a heated argument, how do you think we should resolve it?
If we were in a relationship, how should we balance the time we spend together and the time we spend individually?
What would we do if one of us got a dream job offer in a different state/country? Would we move together or make long distance work?
If we had kids, how would you want to discipline our children?
How should we manage our finances if one of us is making significantly more than the other?
Some couples will be in a relationship for years without knowing how their partner feels about having kids, managing finances, or even sharing responsibilities in the household. In the three short dates Lauren and I had had, I learned how she felt about all those things, and so much more. I couldn’t wait to get back into the pod and learn more.
* * *
The Dos and Don’ts of First Dates
First dates aren’t easy. For many people, they’re downright terrifying. Keep in mind that the other person is probably feeling just as uncomfortable as you are. Moments of not knowing what to talk about are par for the course with first dates, so don’t stress if there are some lulls in the conversation. Once you get past the initial jitters, it is usually smooth sailing. However, it never hurts to brainstorm some questions or conversation starters you’d like to discuss before the date starts.
Now that we’ve walked you through our first date, here are some words of wisdom on the subject, based on our experiences:
Do be yourself. Authenticity is the most important quality you can bring to a relationship, and the tone is set on the first date. Showing a little vulnerability is the best way to bring truth and honest emotion into the conversation. It can be difficult to be open about your past mistakes, your ambitions for the future, your fears, and what means the most to you, but this type of sharing is what endears you to others. You will have to use your best judgment to decide how much to share and how fast, but there is always an inherent risk the other person will not be sensitive to your vulnerability. If they are able to relate to what you share and show compassion, however, you will have started a connection.
Do listen. Monologuing during a first date is the kiss of death. For some people, it’s just a nervous reflex. Having a go-to list of questions will help you remember to take a breath and turn the conversation back to the other person.
Do reflect later. Whether you thought the date was amazing, horrible, or somewhere in the middle, take a few minutes later that night or the following morning to truly reflect on the experience. Even if you decide to never see the person again, this exercise in reflection will help you understand what you’re looking for in a partner and in a relationship.
Don’t get hung up on appearances. Look, we get it—physical attraction is real and it would be misleading to say that looks don’t matter at all. There has to be some baseline of mutual physical attraction for the relationship to work long-term. But if a person’s sexy body or beautiful face is literally the only thing you’re into about them, you have to find a way to move on. A relationship built only on physical attraction will go nowhere fast!
Don’t fall for the idea of a person. Maybe you think you have to be with a doctor or a model or an athlete. Maybe your potential partner has to make a lot of money or have thousands of followers on social media. Too many people judge potential partners by what they do instead of who they are. Don’t fall into that trap. Just as you need to be completely authentic when it comes to matters of the heart, instead of falling back on your representative self, it’s important to see potential partners for who they really are, and not for who you want them to be.
Don’t ignore your gut. First impressions are usually pretty accurate. If you feel like something is off about the person or the chemistry between you, do not ignore this feeling. That doesn’t mean that you should look for reasons to dismiss the person you are dating, but you should trust those visceral feelings that tell you the other person is ultimately not right for you.
chapter nine CITY GIRL, COUNTRY BOY
Lauren
When I was a kid, my dad used to take my brother and me on these great adventures into downtown Detroit. We’d bundle up and head for the bus stop, running by the convenience store to stock up on snacks for the ride. I always got the same combo—a bag of Cheetos, an orange-flavored Faygo pop, and a pack of Now and Laters. We’d climb on board, grab our seats, and make our way to Cadillac Square, down by the river, where we’d watch the pigeons and admire the various street performers, including the guys playing bongos with a set of upside-down paint cans.
Today, anytime I’m coming home and I see the GM building, which really defined the downtown skyline when I was young
, I feel that swell of hometown pride. Detroit has a hustler spirit like nothing else I’ve ever experienced. The hardworking, blue-collar mentality is deeply ingrained. And with all the factories, the sight of smog and the smell of exhaust is seared into my memory. Remember, Detroit is where the car was born! But there’s so much other beauty to go along—the history, the art, the culture, and of course the music, starting with Motown and continuing today with so many amazing artists, from Big Sean to Eminem.
That’s what those early adventures with my dad taught me, that Detroit is a special place where people find joy no matter how hard or gritty things might appear to the outside world. We always make the most of what we have. That fighting spirit is a huge part of my identity.
When I first met Cameron and he told me he was from a super small town in Maine with a population of eight hundred, I thought, Detroit and Maine? Two completely different worlds. It would have been easy to say, “Next contestant! Because there’s no way this one is gonna work.”
I’m glad I shut that thought down. Dating someone from a different background shouldn’t be scary or intimidating. Just the opposite, it’s a chance for both partners to learn new things and expand as people.
Cameron
Yes, Lauren and I discovered on our early dates that, despite our outward differences, we had so many more things in common than apart, including how we were raised and the family values we share. We were both taught the importance of hard work from an early age. I had my first job at the age of thirteen, raking blueberries at a local farm. Then there were all the summers in high school working as a caretaker at a local beach, mowing lawns and painting picnic tables. Lauren laughed at my stories of working as a barista at a Cuban café in grad school, when I used to hide in the kitchen anytime one of my students came in for a drink (some of my students stalked me but that’s a story for another time). And, of course, I was proud to recount my experiences fighting wildfires from coast to coast.
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