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How to Savor Your Wedding Day
Our made-for-TV wedding was hardly typical, but we still came away with a few insights into what it takes to make the most of the occasion:
Focus on empathy. It’s easy to get caught up in one’s own needs and desires. There is also a lot of noise around a wedding, with friends and family chiming in and the constant barrage of questions from various vendors. It’s vital to focus your attention back on your partner and talk to them about whether they have any reservations about the wedding and what you can do to alleviate their concerns. If you have a difference in opinion about details of the wedding planning, try putting yourself in their shoes to understand where they’re coming from. Daily check-ins are always good in a relationship, but they are especially important in the weeks leading up to your wedding day.
Stay on the same page. This is achieved through constant communication. In theory, there should not be any surprises when you get to the altar. Long beforehand, you have to let your partner know your reservations or things that are bothering you about the relationship, even at the risk of hurting their feelings. Open, honest dialogue—like the phone call we had when Lauren confirmed her intention to say “I do”—is the best way to avoid any kind of pitfall on the wedding day and throughout your marriage.
Stay centered and present. You can never get the day back, so you want to be as present as possible. Everyone is different, but for many people, it’s good to start the mental preparations a few days before the wedding. That might mean taking an entire day to yourself at some point. Or maybe you need to surround yourself with a few friends who are best at helping you center yourself. A wedding is such a whirlwind experience; you want to enter into it in a state of stillness and calm. Then, once the madness begins, do what it takes to stay present, even if that means disappearing to the bathroom for a few minutes to collect your thoughts and emotions.
Enlist the help of others. Pull together your support group for the big day. This might include the BFF you can count on to rescue you from conversations with any crazy guests. Or the sibling or cousin who is sure to get the dance floor going. It’s hard to juggle having fun while staying composed during your wedding. With your support system in place, you’ll have fewer things to think about, which will make it easier to focus on enjoying your day.
Part III
chapter fifteen HONEYMOON IN THE DARK
Cameron
Over the course of dating in the pods, becoming engaged, and getting married, the cameras were rolling sixteen out of twenty-four hours most days for seven weeks straight. It had become normal to have someone reaching down my shirt to attach a microphone or for me to talk about starting a family with Lauren while surrounded by cameras and producers. But as quickly as we had been transported to the world of Love Is Blind on the sound stage of Pinewood Atlanta Studios, we were pulled back into our quiet lives. We didn’t hear much about the show for six months, despite several attempts to contact Production. We wanted to know what would happen next, but instead Lauren and I spent many nights lying in bed unpacking what we called the “trauma of LIB.” While the show enabled us to find each other and experience some of the happiest times of our lives, the intensity of it all was overwhelming to reflect on. I spent many hours analyzing everything I said and did while being constantly filmed. How would they edit me? What dates in the pod would they show? What happened with the other couples? How would they portray Lauren’s and my relationship? I reassured myself that everything would be fine because I was proud of how I handled myself, but the specter of other reality dating shows still loomed in my mind.
During the filming of the show, we would often complain to each other, “Why can’t all these cameras just go away?!” We were really looking forward to that time alone and the opportunity to build our relationship with just the two of us. But there was an initial period of withdrawal when it felt like something was missing. We even experienced ghost microphone syndrome: I’d reach down to my shirt, thinking there was a microphone clipped there, but the only ones listening were Lauren and I. Sometimes we would check the cupboards for a hidden camera or expect to see a crew van pulling into the driveway. The unconventional way we fell in love and fostered our relationship had become normal for us, and adjusting to the quiet, private life we had been craving was a challenge, at least at first.
Lauren
Yes, that was intense. Like Cameron said, it had been go, go, go for seven straight weeks. Then after the wedding, everything disappeared. We had recently made the move into Cam’s house, and were transitioning into our new lives. I remember waking up earlier than usual one morning. I went downstairs, sat at the kitchen counter, and thought to myself, Wow, I’m really married! With a whole husband! Sure, I’d been a girlfriend before. But this was different. In that initial period of transition, I struggled to find my rhythm. After all, so much had changed so rapidly in such a short amount of time. I was trying to find my footing and figure out how my and Cameron’s lives fit together. I contemplated seeing a therapist but decided to work it out on my own, with support from Cam, and by throwing myself back into my work. (Let me note: Throughout the entire LIB experience, there was no therapist. So all of us worked through these deep emotional caverns on our own. Looking back, I think we all could have benefited from a resident therapist.)
Cameron
I think a post-wedding therapy session is probably a good idea for anyone, as couples go through a period of time where they’re transitioning into the psychology of being married. In our case, those feelings were complicated by our sudden cohabitation. In the typical arc of a relationship (at least in the US), a couple dates for six months to a couple years, then they move in together. After they feel comfortable living together, they get married. Our relationship did not fit that mold: we had not experienced years of going on dates, having and resolving disagreements, and learning how to live with each other—we experienced weeks of it. It was especially hard for Lauren to adapt to living together. For one thing, she really loved her apartment back in Buckhead, and she continued to hang on to it. She was also hesitant to come into my house and start changing everything around.
A week or so after the wedding, we were at home unpacking her things, including a box with some of her favorite books. I could tell she wasn’t sure what to do with them. I went over to the bookcase and cleared one of the shelves.
“Here you go; you can put them here,” I said.
“Oh no, Cameron, you don’t have to—” she started.
“It’s okay,” I interrupted. “We’re married. This is our home now. This bookcase is as much yours as it is mine.” She looked deep into my eyes but didn’t say anything. After a few moments of silence, I told her, “It’s going to take time for both of us to adjust to sharing our lives, but I know we’ll get there.”
She replied with a soft, “Yup.”
Like many couples, Lauren and I wanted this transition to happen right away. But that’s not how it works. I’ll admit, I would get nervous when she seemed melancholy or reserved during this time. I didn’t want her to suddenly change her mind and decide she didn’t want to be married anymore. But I knew I had to trust her and trust our love.
Lauren
For me, the biggest adjustment was learning how to share space. I had never lived with a man before. I was so used to having my own space and spending time alone. That’s how I operate. That’s how I work and tap into my creativity. People often talk about my bubbly personality, but the truth is I’m an introvert, so I need to be able to decompress in private, talk to myself out loud, and just have a space where I feel safe, in my own right, with myself, outside of being married. Cameron worried that he was doing something wrong when the truth is, he was doing everything right, showing love and support and giving me the space I needed to find my place within the framework of our marriage and new life together.
Cameron
I learned early in our relationship that Lauren feared
being married would mean giving up part of who she is or making sacrifices that would infringe upon her freedom and individuality. I wanted to assure her that that wasn’t going to be the case. For any married couple, it’s important to learn how to give each other space. Regardless of how much you love each other and enjoy spending time together, it’s vital that you maintain your own passions and personal projects. I struggled with accepting Lauren’s need for space at first because when we had first gotten together we couldn’t keep our hands off each other. After we got married and were settling into new daily routines, I wanted to maintain that level of affection. When I felt like there was less physical intimacy between us, I would ask her what was wrong and she would tell me nothing was wrong; she just needed space. We had variations of that conversation so many times, I often worried she might get fed up with me for good. It took considerable patience on both our parts to hear where we were both coming from and make adjustments for each other.
Over time, I started to read Lauren better and better. If we were in each other’s space for too long, she would start to retreat, becoming less talkative and excited. In the beginning, I would think, What did I do wrong? What can I do differently? But then I learned to read the cues and recognize when she needed to recharge her batteries, like all introverts need to do, myself included. Not enough alone time can make me irritable too. In those moments, I learned to take a step back and focus on my own projects. When I give Lauren the space she needs, she is usually much more affectionate and happy. It is a lesson I still have to remind myself of from time to time.
Lauren
But, let’s not forget about the fun and romance! The way Cam and I are talking, you might think our first months together were filled with simmering tension. But we had a ton of good times during that period. As Cameron alluded to earlier, our relationship happened in reverse: we fell in love and got married and then we started to date. So we made a point of going on a lot of dates in that year before the premiere of Love Is Blind. At that time, no one from the public knew who we were, so Production hadn’t restricted where we could go or who we could talk to, though of course we had to conceal how we met. When people asked—and the fact that we’re an intriguing-looking couple means they did so a lot—we usually said we had been set up on a blind date and left it at that.
Obviously, Cam and I had gotten to know each other extremely well in the pods and throughout the rest of filming. But the conversations on those post-show dates had a different quality to them. We could be completely unfiltered and get to know each other on an even deeper level.
Not surprisingly, Cameron was very good at planning dates. One that stands out was an evening at the Atlanta Botanical Garden. I’m a big fan of all things old Hollywood, the golden age of moviemaking, with stars like Audrey Hepburn, Dorothy Dandridge, and Sydney Poitier. Cam found out that the Garden was doing a special 1950s Hollywood-themed Valentine’s Day event. This was our first V-day together, so he surprised me with tickets. We got all dolled up and spent a magical night together. There were lights strung throughout the trees, which made the entire landscape sparkle. The fireplaces were all blazing, there was live music and drinks. It was a thousand times more magical than anything we experienced on the set of Love Is Blind, because it was completely ours.
Cameron
Those date nights we had as newlyweds will always have a special place in my heart. I always feel a burst of excitement when we discover something new that we like to do together. In any relationship, I think there’s a tendency to focus on points of contrast. Don’t get me wrong, Lauren and I do have our share of those—I will never enjoy watching Sex and the City, for example. But I think what helps make a marriage strong is constantly finding things that you like to do together, especially experiences that are new to you both. As individuals, we’re constantly evolving, and so our interests continue to change. It’s amazing to try new things together and experience the excitement of something unexpected as a couple.
Hiking has become one of our favorite shared activities. The perfect day for us would start with a long hike outside Atlanta, maybe along the Chattahoochee River or up Stone Mountain, followed by catching a movie or a play, then a romantic evening at home. We’ve found that multilayered dates, with a few different types of activities, are the dates we remember the most. Lauren and I are both creatures of habit, so our first instinct is often to go with one of our old favorites, like a restaurant we both love or a park we have walked to many times in the past. We always have fun revisiting the places where we have already formed fond memories, but we make an effort to have novel experiences as well. For instance, we finally went on the Ferris wheel date we talked about in the pods! Some of our most memorable dates include picking out our first real Christmas tree together, going to see Wicked at the Fox Theatre, and driving to Alabama to pick up baby Sparx.
Like many couples, there have been times we found ourselves having dinner in front of the television. While those quiet nights at home are special and necessary, the times we have stepped outside our routine are the times that remain in our minds the most. If things don’t go as well as we hoped, at least we have a story to tell of our misadventure.
Lauren
Cameron and I were both open to new individual experiences as well, which added to the texture and depth of our relationship. I started daily meditations, for example. It became part of my morning routine. I would get up and take my tea outside and then do a ten-minute meditation. Especially when I was feeling stressed out by life, meditation and prayer was the best way to find my chi and return to center.
I also became more focused on journaling. My thoughts were all over the place during those initial months of marriage. The act of sitting down and putting pen to paper helped me sort through the groundswell of emotions. I was so used to living on my own and being completely self-sufficient. It was hard for me to let go and realize, Okay, I have a partner now. I don’t have to do everything on my own.
Cameron
After we got married, I was careful to avoid being complacent in our relationship, as I had witnessed myself become too comfortable in past relationships. The early phase of a relationship is such a rush. In my experience, after you settle into a routine and start seeing your partner every day, the relationship may feel less exciting and you may stop appreciating your partner and all the things they do as much. One way I countered this was by coming up with fresh date ideas, as I mentioned earlier. I also learned to jot down a list of questions I wanted to ask Lauren later, so when I got the chance to talk to her I knew what I wanted to learn about her. Lauren and I used this simple idea during our experience in the pods, but there was an opportunity to probe even deeper now that we were husband and wife. There’s always going to be more to learn about a person and there’s always going to be more ways in which to grow your connection. It worked for me in the pods and it continues to be a great way to get to know her more each day.
Lauren and I are planners. We thrive on to-do lists and setting goals. Each Monday, we have family meetings where we go over what we have to accomplish over the upcoming week. We usually take these meetings lying in bed with a cup of coffee or tea and a notebook.
In one such meeting, I asked, “What do you see as your immediate goals in the next few months?”
“I want to have a creative space for us to work outside of the house,” she replied. We talked about how having a workplace outside the house, instead of both of us working out of our home offices, would help us have a better home life/work balance. We talked about what we both needed in a studio space for our creative pursuits, how we would utilize it to give each other room to work, and the steps we would need to take to make it a reality. It didn’t happen overnight, but we eventually found a studio space in the city. But I don’t want to jump too far ahead, so we’ll save that story for later in the book.
Lauren
Every conversation we had during this time, every hike we took, and every date night we went o
n helped me through the transition from Love Is Blind into married life with Cameron. It was a struggle in the beginning. Without the cameras rolling and the constant buzz of the set, there was suddenly so much silence. And I ended up inside my head a lot, which wasn’t healthy for me or for the relationship.
Getting to know each other on a deeper level lifted me over the hump of uncertainty. Something clicked inside of me. I thought to myself, You know what, Cameron is right. We’re married. We’re partners. I’m my own person, but that doesn’t mean I have to struggle alone. From that point forward, I was able to relax into my marriage and truly begin the process of creating a life with Cameron. There were no cameras rolling, but that moment of acceptance is more vivid in my mind than any scene from the show.
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Great Dates
Variety is the spice of life, especially when it comes to keeping your relationship exciting. There is nothing wrong with going on familiar dates you both love, but it is also important to try new things and get outside your comfort zone. Here are a few of our favorite things to do:
Set a romantic scene at home. We are all spending more time at home these days, which is why it’s more important than ever to be creative with your home date nights. Transform the house into a romantic setting by placing candles, flowers, and any other decorations you like throughout. Put on your favorite sexy playlist and outfit. It’s also a good idea to take care of the chores and whatever other responsibilities are lingering so you both can focus on each other. Find a recipe that you and your partner have never made before and surprise them with it. The key is to remove reminders of work and responsibilities for the night and to bring an air of excitement to your routine home environment.
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