It was one of those moments that could have gone any number of ways. I could have gotten angry. I could have made Cam and his family feel bad. But I made the decision that we are family and it was a chance to teach and to learn. At the end of the day, I think we have to realize that we’re all just finding our way through the world. As long as there’s respect within the relationship, it’s okay to show a little extra kindness and vulnerability.
chapter eighteen TRYING ON MARRIAGE ROLES
Cameron
A month or so after the wedding, as Lauren and I were starting our life together back in Atlanta, I came home late one night to a quiet house. I would usually find Lauren hanging out in the kitchen or her office, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found. I made my way upstairs to the bedroom. As I got closer to the door, I heard the sound of muffled crying.
This wasn’t long after her aunt had passed away, so I thought maybe Lauren was grieving. I walked into the bedroom, sat down beside her on the bed, and rubbed her back gently.
“What’s going on, babe?” I asked. “Tell me what happened.”
I looked over at her laptop on the bed. The web browser was open to an article about the evolution of marriage over time. There was a chart showing the various phases—the passion/honeymoon phase, the realization/acceptance phase, the period of rebellion, and so on. At the end, the chart split into two directions: the completion phase for couples who make it and the divorce phase for those who don’t.
“I don’t want to get divorced,” Lauren said, her sobs slowly subsiding.
“Who said anything about divorce?” I asked. We talked about divorce often during Love Is Blind, but it hadn’t come up since then. Even though the divorce rate is dropping in the US, nearly half of all marriages still end in divorce, according to the American Psychological Association. Lauren and I were aware of the statistics, but we were also clear on the point that divorce would never be an option for us. We talked about the sanctity of marriage and the idea that when you take the vows, it truly is till death do you part.
My parents constantly reminded me how much work marriage is, even with the right partner. Through nearly four decades of marriage, they’ve had their share of disagreements and bickering. When I was a child, it used to scare me to see them get into an argument, but as I got older I saw how those arguments cooled fairly quickly and ended in resolutions. At the end of the day, my parents were always on the same team. I revered their mutual respect for each other. My sister and I never had to worry that our mom and dad might not stay together. I saw their relationship grow stronger over the years, especially when faced with a challenge, like when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2012. I wanted that same stability and support for my kids, and I know Lauren did as well.
Lauren
When I stumbled onto that article about the phases of marriage that night, it shook my confidence. I had a momentary freak-out. But then Cameron was beside me, reminding me of all the promises we had made.
“I know you’re worried that your parents’ fate will be repeated in us,” he said. “But that doesn’t have to be the case. Ultimately, we are responsible for creating our own destiny. It’s up to us, and whether we’re willing to put in the work.”
“One hundred percent, Cameron,” I said. We weren’t about to abandon the passion of the honeymoon phase, but in that moment I felt us crossing over to the reality of marriage. Now we had to figure out what the roles of husband and wife would be like for us.
Cameron
Our society puts so much focus on everything leading up to marriage—the wedding planning, the bridal shower, the bachelor party, and the honeymoon to follow. There does not seem to be nearly as much attention paid to life after the wedding, specifically the pragmatic ways in which married couples can live in harmony after tying the knot. Yes, there are resources out there that aim to guide couples through married life, whether it’s self-help books or marriage counseling. But day-to-day matrimony is not romanticized remotely the same as all things leading up to the big day. Think how many movies have been made about couples falling in love where the climax is the wedding or the happy couple cooing over their first baby as the credits roll. Far fewer films are made about couples keeping the romance alive after years of marriage or overcoming hardships together and still continuing to thrive.
Even for couples who have been together for a long time, marriage brings with it a mental shift: You have just pledged yourself to someone for life with the understanding that you will do everything you can to help each other navigate life’s perils. This person is no longer your boyfriend or girlfriend—this is your chosen life partner.
One factor I’ve found key to relationship health is for both parties to feel satisfied with how much the other is contributing to the relationship. If one person feels like they’re doing all the work—cooking, cleaning, managing the finances, setting the social calendar—it can lead to feelings of contempt for the partner. And as with all potential sticking points in a relationship, maintaining fairness comes back to communication and compromise.
We’ve found it helps to have a designated time each week to bring up shared responsibilities and talk about what improvements you each would like to see. Lauren and I like to have these family meetings every Monday before launching into the next week. In these meetings we talk about shared projects we’re working on (like this book!), things that need to get done around the house, and sometimes ways we can adjust to meet each other’s needs.
“So what do you think is the best way to manage our finances together?” Lauren asked during one of our first meetings. We had talked about how we would split up the bills back in the pods. Lauren had noted that since she had started her business from the bottom up, she did not have as much to contribute financially. She made that point again.
“I understand,” I said. “I am happy to take care of most of our finances if you are willing to manage most of the household responsibilities.”
“I still want to contribute financially as well,” she said.
“I appreciate that. I think the important thing is that we’re contributing equally to the relationship, even if it is not financially. I believe in you and your business, so when it takes off, we can reevaluate how we manage our money.”
Lauren
Someone could have listened to that conversation between Cameron and me and thought, Okay, traditional marriage: man provides; woman keeps the home. And on the face of it, that’s the agreement we reached. But 1) we knew the situation was temporary, and 2) it was totally out in the open. I think couples get into trouble when they slide into these roles without any discussion. Some husbands just assume their wife will handle the housework. The wife just assumes she’ll quit her job once the baby comes. Neither of those things is right or wrong. But being on the same page with your partner with a clear plan can eliminate a lot of headache.
And so I did more of the work around the house. I can remember that when I was growing up, my aunt Sheila, my mom’s older sister and a second mom to me, would always say things like, “You know, you have to learn how to clean the house if you ever want to find a husband. You have to learn how to cook. No man wants a dirty wife who can’t feed him.”
So, yes, it was easy to take on that traditional role in my marriage. And sure enough, it didn’t last more than a year. Cameron left the corporate world so that we could start a business together. Now everything is split down the middle—finances, housework, social planning, and so on. In that sense, we’re a very modern couple.
But in other ways, Cam and I are quite traditional. I grew up believing that it was the man’s job to protect the home and keep the family safe. That is Cameron to a tee. I was also taught that a woman needs to take care of her man. I’m happy to play that part. If I see that Cam had a hard day, I give him some extra TLC. It needs to not be about you right now, I’ll tell myself. Go and cheer Cameron up. Make your man happy.
I’ll do it because I want to, and also becau
se I know Cameron will do the same thing for me the next time I need it. That’s what marriage is all about.
* * *
Building Your Financial House Together
Money can be a huge headache for new couples. But talking out your finances can also be a bit of a minefield. Here are some tips that have helped us avoid any explosions:
Communicate early and often. Don’t wait until after the honeymoon to discuss your attitudes about money. As the relationship becomes serious, ask each other the hard questions: How much debt are you carrying? What do you earn today? What do you hope to earn in the future? Do you invest/save? What kind of lifestyle do you want to live? It’s important to identify where your financial goals align and where they differ. If you are unwilling to talk to your partner about your financial situation, ask yourself why that is the case. Are you afraid they will judge you for your finances? Are you concerned they will try to get money from you? If you have any reason to distrust your partner with your financial information, you must address this as soon as possible, as otherwise your concerns will continue to fester.
Create a joint account. We made the decision to have one joint account for all shared expenses—the house, utilities, groceries, et cetera—once we started splitting the bills more evenly. We also maintain separate accounts for our income outside of our shared expenses so we can enjoy financial independence. If one of us wants to take the other on a date, they draw from their individual account.
Determine what you and your partner agree is fair. When one partner feels like the other is not contributing equally to the relationship, it can lead to feelings of contempt. Of course, everyone’s relationship and financial situation is different, so you both have to agree on what constitutes a fair contribution. There is no one way to manage your finances and other contributions with your partner. You both do not need to contribute the exact same toward shared expenses, but you have to agree on how the distribution of household responsibilities among other tasks compensates for the imbalance.
Set goals together. We check in at least monthly on our financial goals, both short- and long-term. For example, when we made the decision to get some sort of studio space outside of the house, we had to figure out how to work that into our financial picture. Longer-term goals include things like planning for a family and mapping out an ideal retirement.
chapter nineteen DON’T TOUCH MY TOOTHBRUSH
Lauren
One life lesson I’ve learned in communicating is that “you gotta add a little sugar with your salt.” That’s especially true when it comes to living with Cam. I think I’ve made my love for him abundantly clear. He’s the man of my dreams, an incredible partner through and through. Moving in, living together, we really had to adjust to each other’s ways of life, including housekeeping habits. That’s where the sugar comes in.
The other day I came home to a pile of dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. Cam loves to leave his dishes. If we don’t eat a meal together, I can always tell what Cam had because the evidence is all over the kitchen. In this case, it looked like some spaghetti and meatballs.
In my head I’m thinking, Cam knows I hate when he leaves these dishes; c’mon, man! But I knew that me yelling at him about it wouldn’t do either of us any good. That’s the salty approach! So I found him in his office and exchanged a few pleasantries. Then, as I was leaving the room, I turned back to him and said, “Oh, and hey, babe, you know I love you, but would you mind washing your dishes next time instead of leaving them on the counter? I’m afraid we’re going to get ants.”
“Sure thing, love,” he said. “Sorry I forgot.”
Was that the last time he left a dish out? Not by a long shot. But is it happening less often? YES. Plus, the fact that I spoke up, however gently, means I won’t be filled with rage and resentment every time I come home to dirty dishes.
You have to speak your mind in marriage, but a little sugar helps the medicine go down.
Cameron
She is clearly exaggerating how many dirty dishes I leave around, though there’s always room for improvement, I suppose. In fairness, though, I think Lauren and I both have our strengths and our weaknesses when it comes to housekeeping. For example, my office is usually a lot cleaner than hers. But she is definitely more of a stickler in the kitchen. She is also hypervigilant about handwashing and disinfecting. Overall, we both value organization, cleanliness, and hygiene, but we sometimes differ on what constitutes each. That is why it is healthy to have conversations with your partner about your expectations and any incongruences between them.
This, of course, takes us to the notorious toothbrush scene from Love Is Blind. Now for me, that was twenty seconds of my life that I didn’t think much about after it happened. We were having dinner and chatting about hygiene pet peeves. “You know there are people out there who will use someone else’s toothbrush,” Lauren said. “Do you do that?”
It was clearly a tongue-in-cheek moment between us, so I played along. “I mean, I wouldn’t have a problem with it, but I’m not going to—”
“Oh my God, honey,” Lauren said, cutting me off playfully. “What???”
Of course, I was just teasing Lauren—I was not actually going to use her toothbrush. And while Lauren understood I was playing with her, my own personal toothbrush-gate was born. From reenacting the scene on the Kiss Cam at Madison Square Garden to mentions of the incident across many press articles, those moments in time have continued to live on. There’s even a TikTok challenge out there where couples lip-sync our conversation from the show. That moment in time has taken on a life of its own.
In all seriousness, Lauren and I are mostly on the same page with household chores, notwithstanding the occasional dirty dish. We both thrive off of getting things done and having organization in our lives. I think this goes back to the way we were raised, with our parents making us help out around the house from an early age.
We both grew up with a sense of order and discipline in the house. As a child, I felt resentful on occasion at having to chip in with the housework and abide by certain rules. The older I got, the more I appreciated the discipline my parents instilled in me. It made me feel like I had more control over my life. I had my regular chores and was also expected to help out with whatever my parents were working on, whether it was planting the garden, building their lake house, or shoveling snow.
That same attitude extends to marriage. If one person in the relationship is a total slob and the other is a neat freak, that’s going to lead to conflict. If your partner needs the place to be cleaner, the smart and considerate thing to do is change your behavior. Even if you think you are clean and organized by your own standards, hear out your partner’s needs and consider that more cleanliness never hurts. If you are willing to listen and make changes for your partner, they will likely be more willing to listen to your needs. Lauren and I have found that respecting each other’s housekeeping requests has led to greater harmony at home and a more comfortable environment.
Lauren
I think it’s a surprise for a lot of young couples how much housekeeping symbolizes in a marriage. Here’s another example: I’ve talked a lot about how when Cameron and I first moved in together, I was stressing over my perceived loss of independence and sense of self. One way this came across was through the sharing of space in the kitchen. Or I should say lack of sharing space, because I was pretty possessive of my stuff for a long time. I would say things like, “Cam, could you hand me my juice.” “Have you seen my chips?”
Cam would respond, “No, babe, that’s our juice. Those are our chips.”
In my mind, I would be thinking, No! Those are mine! I bought those things for me. Because that’s how I had lived for so many years. Cam really taught me the art of sharing with your partner. It’s a big part of entering into a marriage. You become a unit.
Of course, there are still things that I like to keep separate. We are very lucky to have two bathrooms, so we don’t have to worry about na
vigating those waters. And as much as I try, I don’t think I’ll ever be totally comfortable washing our clothes in the same load of laundry.
I remember coming into the bedroom one day and there was Cameron folding my underwear. “Cameron, what are you doing?” I shouted. “I can fold my own intimates!”
“What’s the big deal?” Cameron asked.
I knew it didn’t make a lot of sense. Cam has obviously seen my panties and bras before. Still, I can’t help but see underwear as personal.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m not used to all this personal sharing. This all feels like… a lot.”
I think Cam heard me. For a few weeks, he focused on his own laundry. One Saturday he was about to run a load when I came over with a few of my own garments.
“Can I throw these in?” I asked. It was just a T-shirt and shorts, not my best lingerie. But it was a baby step.
Cameron
There are baby steps in a marriage and then there are huge strides forward. For us, learning to accept help from others was one of those huge strides. For instance, we had our reservations about hiring a housekeeper at first, because we were both raised to handle everything ourselves. We both find the whole cleaning process cathartic, and the thought of bringing in a housekeeper clashed with our values of self-sufficiency. Over time, however, our work schedules intensified to the point where we could not manage all of our work and household responsibilities simultaneously. We needed help.
“Let’s just try it for a month,” Lauren said after we finished a particularly tiresome cleaning session. “I know it’s a luxury. But we work hard and are fortunate enough to be in a position where we can afford it.”
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