by Matt Zachary
He and his father’s lawyer made it to the jail in plenty of time to get registered for the visit. He sat and waited, watching the other families there to visit their loved ones. He imagined what each person had done to find themselves locked away in jail.
There was a lady and three small children, one of them being a newborn, who seemed really stressed out. He imagined she was there to visit her boyfriend who had likely gotten charged with a drug offense or something like theft or forgery. Billy couldn’t believe that someone with three small children would do something that would wind them up in jail...where they couldn’t be there for their babies. Maybe he had to steal to provide food or diapers for his newborn. Still, there had to be a better way.
Before he could wonder any longer, the guard on duty called a list of names, Billy’s included. After that, the group of visitors was led down a hallway to an elevator. From there, they were left on their own to ride an elevator up to their various floors. Billy had been there before and remembered the way to the section of the jail his dad was in.
Once he got off the elevator, it was just him and an elderly black man walking down the hall together. After about what felt like half a mile, Billy turned off to the left, leaving the man to walk the rest of his journey alone.
“Hey, son,” Billy’s dad said into the phone’s mouth-piece as Billy took a seat at the window that separated them.
He held his receiver up to his ear and mouth. “How are you, dad?” Billy asked, not really sure what he was supposed to say. He had hoped his father would’ve gotten his letter and been the first to speak up.
“I’m good, I guess,” his dad answered, seeming nervous. It was the first time Billy had ever seen him anything but strong and solid. His dad was always so firm and determined...so confident. “I hope that by next week this will all be over and I’ll be vindicated,” he told Billy. Thank you for agreeing to come and testify on my behalf.”
Billy stopped him. “I never agreed to testify,” he told his dad bluntly. “I came here to support you...emotionally. To be in the courtroom for you.”
“The way I need you is to testify!” Mr. Markstock yelled back, clearly frustrated.
“If I testify, I’ll need to be honest, and I don’t think either of us believe that will paint you in a great light,” Billy explained, trying to keep his cool.
“After all I’ve done for you, you can’t do this for me,” Mr. Markstock yelled back before adjusting his voice to more of a whisper. “I’ve given you the best of everything and all I’m asking you to do is say that I was a loving father.”
“I wish I could say that,” Billy replied, “I really wish I could.” After that, the two men sat silent. Billy couldn’t even look at his dad. He went to the visit hoping for some connection, some sign of love and sat there just feeling used. The only reason his dad wanted him there was for his compromised testimony.
After about ten minutes of not talking, Billy stood up and told his dad goodbye before walking away. He hoped to hear his dad call for him to stop, but there was no pounding on the glass. Billy glanced back hoping to at least see his father still sitting there, but the seat was empty already.
Once Billy reached the lobby of the jail, he replayed everything for Mr. Mendalsen and made it very clear to him as well that he would not lie on the stand.
Chapter 12
Billy spent most of the next couple of days alone in his hotel room, where he worked on some of his missed school assignments. Sunday night, he received a call from Mr. Mendalsen notifying him that he would pick him up early for the trial that began the next day.
As Billy lay back in his bed and attempted to sleep that night, he stomach was full of butterflies. He could only imagine how his father had felt. He imagined the elder Markstock was probably not getting any sleep.
As Billy woke up and got ready, he did realize that with each day he had been back home he thought about Stuart and what had happened less and less. He guessed he owed a little bit of thanks to his dad for the distraction.
After Billy got ready, he went downstairs and waited for Mr. Mendalsen outside. He knew how impatient and stressed out the lawyer could be and he didn’t want to be the cause of his father not getting the best defense.
At seven o’ clock, Billy checked his watch and expected to see Mr. Mendalsen pull into the parking lot at any minute. He waited.
At seven thirty, there was still no sign of Mr. Mendalsen. Finally, by eight o’ clock, Billy decided to just call and make sure he had gotten the time right.
Ring. Rinnnggggg. Rinngggg. There was no answer and the call eventually went to voicemail. Billy left a message and decided to wait just a bit longer. With each passing minute, though, he got a sick, sinking feeling in his stomach.
Just as Billy was about to head back inside his phone rang. It was Mr. Mendalsen. “Hello?” Billy answered. He listened with his ear to the phone, expecting to hear that Mr. Mendalsen was on the way. That wasn’t what he was told though. “What?!” he asked in disbelief as his face grew very pale.
As he hung up the phone, he still couldn’t believe what he had heard. A part of him wondered if maybe he was still asleep, but as he walked through the hotel lobby to his room, the news was plastered all over the news: JAILED JUDGE FOUND DEAD IN CELL.
Later That day, Mr. Mendalsen met with Billy and explained what he believed had happened. He told Billy that there were no signs of foul play and that it appeared as though his father had committed suicide. It still felt so unreal to Billy. Only the day before, he was sitting and arguing with his dad...he couldn’t be dead, Billy kept repeating in his head.
Since his return flight wasn’t until the end of the week, Billy stayed at in town for his father’s funeral, even electing to say a few words. As he stood at the cemetery and rambled off a list of accomplishments about his father, he was surprised at how many people turned out. Sure, most of them were likely colleagues that felt obligated, but as Billy looked out, he could see several people were genuinely distraught.
After the funeral, Mr. Mendalsen took Billy aside and let him know that he would work on getting his father’s estate unfrozen. “Since there was never a conviction, it should just me a matter of filing some paperwork,” he told Billy.
At that moment, Billy didn’t care about the money. He even sensed that Mr. Mendalsen’s only interest in getting everything released was so that he could take his cut. None of that mattered, though. Billy had lost the only parent he had left, and was having a hard time dealing with what that meant. All he wanted to do was get back to school where he could distance himself from the guilt he was feeling.
The entire flight back to school, Billy remained practically comatose. He kept replaying his last words with his father through his head. He wished he had just said ‘I love you’ one final time. For all he knew, his father never even got the letter he had written. His dad died never knowing that his son loved and cared for him. That was something Billy could never take back or change, though he would give anything if he could.
Billy watched as all the nervous flyers on the plane ordered mini bottles of alcohol and he wished that he had a fake ID on him so he could do the same. With each passing minute of the flight, Billy’s resolve to get some liquor once he got home grew stronger.
As soon as he landed, he grabbed a cab and got dropped off at a package store next to the college that was rumored to sell to the underage students. He picked out two bottles of vodka and made his way to the counter, not feeling any nerves. He was numb. Numb from Stuart’s betrayal and numb from his father’s death.
The cashier rang up the purchase without batting an eye. “Anything else?” the guy asked. Billy looked at him and wondered if he was a college student before dropping out and becoming a pothead. It didn’t matter. He dug into his wallet and produced a twenty.
“Keep the change,” Billy told the clerk, not because he wanted to be nice. He just wanted to get outside and start drinking as soon as possible.
For
the next five hours, Billy wandered around taking swigs from the first bottle before finding it empty and then continuing on the second. It didn’t take long for the alcohol to do what he intended it for.
Chapter 13
“Son, you need to wake up!”
Billy opened his eyes to see a light shining in his eyes.
“You can’t sleep here,” the man, who Billy could now see was campus police, said.
Fortunately, for Billy, he had long ago finished off both bottles of vodka and left the empty bottles somewhere else. He looked around, wondering how he even got onto school grounds. He had no memory of it.
“Oh, okay,” he said and got to his feet. “Sorry,” he mumbled before stumbling off. The last thing he needed was the police officer smelling the alcohol on him and asking him for an ID.
Billy checked the time on his phone and saw that it was already well past midnight. His head was killing him and he smelled. He didn’t really want to go back to his dorm, but reasoned that everyone would likely be asleep and he could sneak in unnoticed.
When he reached his floor, he approached the door slowly and listened to see if he heard anyone awake. Everything was quiet. As gently as possible, he put the key in and turned the lock. All of the lights were off and, as far as he could tell, everyone was asleep. Before going to his own room, Billy stopped in the bathroom and took some Advil for his enormous headache.
Then, quickly, before Stuart or anyone else could hear him, he entered his own room, locking the door quietly behind him.
That morning he awoke to a soft knocking on his door. Although he thought he entered the apartment without disturbing anything, he had left his bottle of Advil spilled all over the bathroom counter. “Are you in there, Billy,” Stuart asked.
Billy could tell Stuart was attempting to whisper, likely because it was early but, to him, it felt like a giant jackhammer going to town in his head. He considered just ignoring the knock but, within seconds, Stuart knocked again.
“Yeah,” he said opening the door and then heading back to his bed.
“I heard about your dad,” Stuart told him with a sympathetic caress on Billy’s arm.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Billy growled as he jerked his arm away.
Stuart was hurt by the gesture. He had hoped that maybe Billy had forgiven him while they were apart. That didn’t seem to be the case, though. He tried to file his hurt away. It wasn’t the time to worry about his own feelings. Billy was going through a lot and Stuart just wanted to be there for him.
“Well, if you do, I’m here for you,” Stuart offered.
“Like you were there for that guy!” Billy cruely replied. It was the alcohol talking, but he didn’t care. He just wanted to be left alone and if being mean to Stuart would accomplish that, he was all for it.
Stuart held back the tears that stung beneath his eyelids. “Well, I’ll leave you alone, but if you need anything....well, w-w-well, just ask,” he offered before heading to the bathroom where he broke down in tears.
Billy knew he’d feel bad later about how he treated Stuart. For the time being though, he wanted to sleep...sleep all day and all night.
He didn’t wake up again until that night and fortunately his headache was gone by then. “I heard you were back,” Stan said as Billy made his way from his room to the kitchen for something to eat.
“Yeah. Got in last night,” Billy offered. He didn’t feel like making small talk, but Stan had never done anything wrong to him so he put all his effort into being polite.
“Sorry about your dad,” Stan offered. Billy just looked at him, realizing that was all he was going to be hearing from anyone and everyone he knew.
“He hadn’t been a dad to me in a very long time,” Billy replied dryly as he took the milk, and box of cereal to the table. He ate three bowls before heading back to his room without even bothering to put anything away.
Like clockwork, later that evening, Jeff came to Billy’s room and offered his condolences. He was the only one of Billy’s roommates to actually have known Mr. Markstock. “He was an ass, wasn’t he? He hated me,” Jeff told Billy and laughed.
Billy wanted to remain mad and surly but he couldn’t help laughing. Jeff had taken an unorthodox approach but it was refreshing...honest. “Yeah, he thought you were a fucking loser,” Billy laughed before adding, “And, he was right.”
Jeff knew that Billy wasn’t just joking, but also getting out some of his hostility. He didn’t mind though. Even he knew he was a bit of a loser.
After Billy and Jeff talked a bit, Stuart decided to take another try...hoping that Billy’s laughing with Jeff meant that maybe he was healing as far as the whole Guy situation was concerned.
“I don’t want to fuckin’ talk to you...EVER! Can you get that through your head?!” Billy yelled before once again slamming the door in Stuart’s face.
“I’m not going to stop trying!” Stuart promised through the closed door. He was done feeling hurt. He figured it was just the grief talking and Billy would eventually come back around and once again be the loving boyfriend he had come to know.
Rather than respond, Billy just put in his earbuds and closed his eyes, willing himself to get lost in the music. Music and sleep...that’s all he needed.
Chapter 14
Billy didn’t leave his room again until he was sure everyone had already gone to class the next morning. His plan was to get showered and dressed and head out so he could buy a few more bottles of alcohol with his last twenty dollars, but as he opened the dorm’s door to head out, he noticed something on the kitchen counter. It was a long white envelope on the top of a small stack of mail. The envelope was stamped in red ink: FROM AN INMATE OF A CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION
Billy closed the door and grabbed the letter, looking at the return address. It was from his father!
Dear Billy,
I’m sorry about our visit today. I got your letter. I’m sorry it took so long for me to realize that I had never been there for you. I should’ve never asked you to lie for me. That’s not what a father does. But, I do want you to know that my lack of attention or presence in your life never was due to a lack of love on my part. It was hard...hard being around you, looking into your eyes...your mother’s eyes.
When your mother died, a part of me died too. She was my love and my life and I didn’t know how to function without her. I suppose that’s when I stopped caring...about anything. And, I owe you a deep apology for that. You deserved so much better...you were just a little boy and had suffered the loss of not only one parent but really both of us.
As I read your letter, there were a lot of hard truths in it that I had to open my eyes to. It wasn’t easy, but I’m ready to stop ignoring things. Although your letter hurt, I couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride as I read it. I don’t know how, but you grew into a man a father can be proud of. You certainly didn’t get your integrity and ethics from me. It must’ve come from your mother.
I know I’m a coward, but I cannot go to prison. I wanted to use this letter to say goodbye and make sure you knew how sorry I am and how much both me and your mother loved you. In no way are you responsible for my actions. I have to face responsibility for what I’ve done and this is the route that I am choosing. I hope you can respect that and find a way to go on with your life.
Before I let you go, I want to tell you that I have heard about what happened at my brother’s farm. Don’t pay him any mind. You are perfect just the way you are and you will always have my love. Perhaps I can be a better father to you in Heaven than I have been here on Earth. I’ll be reunited with your mother and we’ll both be watching over you...always!
With love,
Dad
Billy’s tears were flowing freely as he read the letter. By the end, he was sobbing uncontrollably, his tears falling onto the pages, causing the ink to smear.
He re-read the letter over and over, attempting to memorize the words on the pages. He wished he had known the man tha
t had written them.
As he lay in his bed crying, a million thoughts were swirling around in his head. Knowing his dad had received his letter and knew he loved him meant the world to Billy. On top of that, his dad was proud of the man he had become. As Billy thought about that, he realized his behavior as of late hadn’t been anything to be at all proud of. He didn’t want to live life angry, full of regret and resentments. He knew there was nothing he could do about his father’s death, but he could become the person he used to be...the person his dad was proud of.
Chapter 15
First thing the next morning, Billy knocked on Stuart’s door. “Can I come in?” he asked as Stuart stood at the door dumbfounded. Billy could tell he was wondering if he was dreaming.
“S-s-sure,” Stuart stuttered.
“I wanted to apologize to you for how I’ve been and the things I said,” Billy blurted out, spilling the words into one another before he chickened out or let his emotions get the best of him.
“I deserved it,” Stuart offered, knowing that he had his sleeping with Guy at the frat party far outweighed a few angry words.
“No. I don’t want to talk about what happened,” Billy quickly cut Stuart off. He knew that if he talked about Stuart cheating on him, it would only get him angry again and he was trying to get past all of that. “I just want to put it behind us,” he added as he pulled Stuart in for a hug.
As they embraced and their heads rested in the crook of each other’s necks, Billy felt a wave of love wash over him. He had been pushing everyone away and just being held and feeling the warmth of another human being’s body made all the pain virtually melt away.