by Kaye Kennedy
I wanted to be happy for her. No, I was happy for her, but I was sad for me because in a few months she'd be gone and I truthfully wasn't ready for that. Not that I thought I'd ever be ready for us to be separated, but I definitely wasn't ready then. Losing my dad had put life into perspective for me. He'd known I was in love with Allie and ever since his death, I struggled to keep those feelings I had for her at bay. There was no way I would've gotten through losing him without her and every day that's passed since has made it more difficult for me to fight my feelings.
She snuggled up beside me and covered us with a blanket.
I handed her the remote. "You pick the movie."
"So my being in pain is the secret to getting you to relinquish the remote, huh? I'll have to remember that."
I laughed. "Extreme pain only. And no faking."
She found a decent comedy, but I struggled with concentrating on it. I needed to tell her how I felt. But she had a boyfriend. A serious one. That wouldn't be fair of me and so I resigned to stay silent, even if it killed me.
Then I thought of something. "I have a question."
"Maybe I have an answer," she replied.
"Why did you want me to come over instead of Austin?"
"And let him see me like that? No way. I was a disaster."
I poked her on the nose. "A cute disaster."
She shook her head. "Nice try." She popped a few pieces of popcorn into her mouth and swallowed. "Besides, you always know how to make me feel better. I'm pretty sure Austin wouldn't have been able to interpret my grunts as well."
That made me smile. "I've had fourteen years to learn how to speak Allie."
She nudged me with her shoulder.
I nudged her back.
22
Allie
12th Grade - June
Prom was our reward for surviving high school. I got ready at Melissa's house along with Lila. Melissa took a curling iron to my hair while Lila glued lashes onto her eye lids.
"So did you go for a bikini wax?" she asked as she wrapped a strand of my hair around the hot wand.
My brows shot up. "Why would I do that?"
"Duh. Because guys like that. I got a Brazilian."
"As in...everything?" Lila questioned as she fanned her one closed eye with her hand.
Melissa nodded.
"Didn't that hurt?" I asked.
"Pain is beauty girls."
I laughed. "You're insane. Besides, you and Josh aren't even dating."
"Don't be so naïve, Allie. It's prom night. Everyone gets laid on prom night."
My mouth dried out. "Right."
"You forget how much it sucks to be single. I don't get laid all the time like you do, so give me this night and don't be so judgy."
Except that I didn't, but I let her believe that so she'd stop bothering me about being a virgin. "Not judging. You do you."
I was the only one in our friend group who hadn't had sex and the last thing I wanted was to have a reputation for being the resident prude, so I may have let them believe that Austin and I were doing it. It's not that I didn't want to have sex. Austin and I had gotten close a few times, but it hadn't felt right. As cliche as it sounds, you only get one first time and I wanted it to be special. I simply hadn't had that magical moment with Austin yet. Prom added pressure, though. He'd have expectations and we'd been dating for six months so it's not like we weren't serious, I just...I didn't know.
"I freaking hate these things," Lila cursed at the lashes that were stuck to her finger.
Melissa handed me the curling iron and went to help Lila. I had no clue what to do with a curling iron, so I just held onto it and waited.
Once we were zipped into our dresses, we went outside into the garden on the side of the house to take pictures. Reece, who was going with Lila, had arrived and so had Melissa's date, Josh, as well as Shawn and his date. They all took couple photos while I waited on Austin. Kyle and Kayley (yeah, I know) hadn't gotten there yet either, so I hung out in back by the pool.
"Wow."
I spun around to find my best friend looking dapper as hell in his tux. His broad shoulders stretched the jacket and his dirty blond hair was perfectly combed. And those crystal blue eyes. Kyle had the best eyes.
"Wow yourself," I returned.
He continued to admire me in my emerald-green satin fishtail gown. It was very different from anything I'd ever worn. Showing off my boobs had never been my style, but for prom, the girls were on full display in my spaghetti strap, cowl neck dress. When I'd put it on in the dressing room, my first reaction when I’d looked in the mirror had been that I could be Jessica Simpson’s brunette cousin. The dress hugged curves I hadn't realized I'd had. Once I'd stepped out and Melissa saw the dress, she'd said, "If you don't buy that right now, I'm buying it for you."
Kyle took a few steps forward with hunger in his eyes. "Damn, Allie."
Not knowing what to make of that, I blushed.
"Oh, wow," Austin smiled at me from behind Kyle.
Well, at least the dress got me a consistent reaction. I felt pretty wow in it.
Austin stepped around Kyle and gave me a kiss that said he couldn't care less about my lipstick. Luckily, I'd let Melissa talk me into the long-wear kind. "Babe, you look stunning."
"Thanks." I smiled at him.
I turned to Kyle. "Where's your date?"
He pointed to where everyone else was taking pictures. "I came to get you."
Austin wrapped his arm around my waist and pressed himself against me. "We should go take photos now because I don't know how long I'll be able to restrain from relieving you of that dress."
"And that's my cue." Kyle went to join the others.
Austin kissed my neck just below my ear and whispered, "I can't wait for tonight."
I swallowed. "Yeah."
We couldn't have asked for a nicer June evening. Prom was at the Country Club right on the Long Island Sound, so we had a perfect waterfront view. I'd given up on my heels after an hour of straight dancing. Austin was a terrible dancer, but he tried anyway and I appreciated that. After dinner, he had to meet the football players for a group photo, so I waited at the table for him.
Kyle slid into the seat beside me. "Having fun?"
"Actually, yeah. I am."
"You surprised?"
I shrugged. "A little." I'd spent most of the preceding week scared about what may or may not happen between Austin and I after prom, but being there I was able to live in the moment and enjoy the night with my friends. "Where's Kayley?"
"Not sure. I lost her about half an hour ago." Kyle and Kayley weren't dating, he'd simply asked her because…well, she was Kayley. "What about Austin?"
"Doing a football thing."
The music changed to a slow song and Kyle held his hand out. "Want to dance?"
I put my hand in his. "Sure."
He led me onto the dance floor and we swayed middle-school-style with his hands around my waist and mine around his neck while Kelly Clarkson belted out the lyrics to "Because of You."
"We've never danced like this before, have we?" I asked. To my recollection, whenever we had danced it'd always been to upbeat songs.
"Once," he replied. "The eighth-grade dance."
"That's right. You totally blocked Ian and I from dancing."
He smirked. "And then you stuck Melissa on me. I was washing glitter off my skin for weeks after."
I laughed. "And then we ended up dating them so it was kinda like I was predicting the future."
He gripped my hands and spun me around before pulling me against his chest and he really danced with me.
I hummed in surprise.
"What?"
"You can dance."
"Guess you don't know everything about me after all."
"What else don't I know?"
Kyle's blue eyes stared into mine and his expression became serious.
My smile fell. Could there really be something he hasn't told me?
&
nbsp; His lips parted and he took a breath.
I stilled.
"Can I cut in?" Austin interrupted us.
Kyle released me and stepped back. "Yeah, man." He was gone before I could stop him.
Austin placed his hand on my back and pulled me against him. He smelled like whiskey.
"Find a little something extra at that group photo?" I asked.
He buried his face into the side of my neck and kissed me. "Maybe."
"And you didn't share?"
"I've got something I wanna share with you all right." He nibbled on my ear.
I placed my hands on his shoulders and eased him away. "Okay. Save it for later."
"It's always later with you, Allie."
I tilted my head. "Excuse me?"
He let me go. "Nothing. I'll be back."
And I was left standing alone on the dance floor. Clearly, I needed to have conversations with both of the men in my life, so I went in search of Kyle first. Walking the perimeter yielded me nothing, so I headed outside onto the patio, which is where I found Kayley. She and I had never been friends. Not even close. She was a mega bitch, but she was a model, so I guess you could call her attractive. Undoubtedly that was why Kyle had asked her. That being said, the less I had to talk to her the better.
"Hey have you seen Kyle?"
She pouted her lips at me, "Did you lose your boyfriend?"
I put a hand on my hip. "Did you lose your soul?"
Seemingly unamused, she rolled her eyes and turned her back to me.
"So you haven't seen him because you've been dumped at the prom. Got it. Thanks." I gathered up the bottom of my dress and kept going. Sparring with Kayley was not on my to-do list for the evening.
Melissa and Josh were devouring each other's faces over by the railing, so I kept walking along the path. I found Shawn smoking pot with a few other guys.
"Shawn, have you seen Kyle?"
He coughed up smoke. "Took off a few minutes ago," he replied, holding the blunt out for me.
Fuck. I shook my head. "I’ll pass, thanks." Guess I'd been right about him having something big to tell me. I went back inside and found my purse tucked under my seat along with my heels. After digging out my phone, I opened a message.
Allie: Did you seriously leave prom?
I waited.
And waited.
And waited more.
Allie: I've got the feeling you need to talk to me about something.
Waited.
Kyle: All good. Was needed at home. Have fun. Talk later.
Allie: Need me to come over?
Kyle: No. It's prom night. Enjoy it.
Allie: K. I'll see you tomorrow.
I tucked the phone back into my purse, slid my heels on, and went to find my boyfriend. He was sitting with some of his football buddies and they were passing a bottle of whiskey to each other under the table. I came up behind him and put my hand on his shoulder.
"You ready to go?"
He leaned his head against my arm. "I'm ready. Are you ready?"
I knew his question was two-fold and I truthfully didn't know the answer to that one, but I told him what he wanted to hear. "Ready."
He jumped to his feet and grabbed my hand. "Later boys."
Austin had gotten us a room at the hotel next door, so as we walked over there, I tried to figure out what I was going to do by making a list in my head.
Pros and Cons of Having Sex with Austin
Pro:
I wouldn't go off to college a virgin
He says he loves me and I love him, too. Don't I?
We've been dating for six months, so it's not like he's a random guy
I’ve enjoyed the other stuff we've done together
Con:
Losing my virginity on prom night was a terrible cliche
Something didn't feel right about it
Well, that helped.
And by helped, I mean not at all.
Austin had checked us into the hotel earlier so everything we needed was already there. We rode the elevator up to the fifth floor and when he opened the door to our room, there was a trail of rose petals leading to the bed.
I turned to look up at him. "You did this?"
"I thought it'd make tonight extra special," he said, right before kissing me.
23
Kyle
Summer Before College - August
I'd officially been living in the Woodlawn section of the Bronx for a week, but I still planned to sleep at home some nights to help out. My school was halfway between my apartment and my house, so it didn't matter much where I stayed. The only reason I needed the apartment was for city residency and since I'd gotten a full scholarship for college, I was able to use my college fund to get it. Classes started in a week and all of my friends were leaving for their respective colleges over the next few days, so there was a big party that night on the beach.
After parking in the lot, I walked up to the beach and as soon as my feet hit the sand I spotted Allie. She was hard to miss given how gorgeous she looked in her teal bikini top and jean shorts. I hadn't seen her in two days because she'd been busy packing and had spent some time alone with her mom and also with Austin. Thinking about her leaving the next day made me nauseous and I'd been dreading having to say goodbye to her for weeks.
"Kyle," she shouted as she ran over and hugged me. Fuck, I'd miss holding her.
"Hey, Al." I forced myself to let go and Shawn tossed me a beer. I looked around for her boyfriend. "Where's Austin?"
Her eyes darkened for a brief moment before she pointed down the beach. "Over there."
I wondered what that was about. If my girlfriend was leaving to go halfway across the country from me in less than twenty-four hours, nothing would be able to pry me from her side. Perhaps the impending long distance was too stressful.
In my living room the night before, I’d drank a six-pack and came to the decision that I couldn't let Allie leave for college without telling her how I felt. When Austin had cut in on us dancing at prom, I’d taken it as a sign to keep my mouth shut. She was happy with him and the last thing I wanted was for her to resent me for trying to screw that up. But something had changed over the last couple of weeks. I'd gotten the feeling that things weren't going so well for them and that got me thinking again about telling her.
I'd probably always regret it if I let her leave for Michigan thinking I only loved her as a friend. Sweat pooled on my lower back—more from the nerves than the heat—so I took my t-shirt off and tossed it aside. I glanced over at Allie and caught her looking at my abs. It had only been for a second, but she'd looked. Choosing to interpret that as maybe the attraction between us wasn't one-sided, I willed my nerves to chill out.
The party ended up being more fun than I'd expected it to be. We all danced barefoot on the beach and it was surreal knowing it would likely be the last time so many of us would be together until our class reunion. I'd only allowed myself to have two drinks—enough to calm my nerves, but not enough to cloud my head. Allie had limited herself as well since she had to leave the following day. A few hours into the party, we were pretty much the only sober ones.
Allie hooked her arm in mine. "Come sit with me." She dragged me over to a quiet spot away from the others and my stomach flopped because I knew that her plan was to say goodbye to me, which meant I couldn't stall any longer. We sat in the sand and stared out at the waves.
She let out a small laugh.
"What?"
"We've come full circle."
"What do you mean?"
She grabbed a handful of sand and let it slip through her fingers. "We played together in the sand on the day we met and now here we are sitting in the sand on the day we say goodbye."
I didn't respond because I didn't think I'd be able to get words out and keep my emotions in check.
She sighed and leaned her head on my shoulder, so I put my arm around her back. The thought of not being able to touch her for months made me p
hysically ill.
"I think I made a mistake," tumbled from my mouth.
"What kind of mistake?"
"Letting you go to college without me, for one."
She tilted her head to look up at me. "Pelham is a small public school, I bet Michigan would be able to help you out of that contract if you still want to pursue hockey."
I swallowed. "That's not what I meant. I've made peace with my choice. I really do want to be a firefighter. My dad loved it and I'm sure I will, too."
"What do you mean then?"
"I don't know if I can handle being separated from you."
She put a hand on my thigh. "It's definitely going to suck, but we'll talk a lot, I'm sure. And I'll be home for Thanksgiving."
"I know."
"What's for two?"
"Huh?"
"You said, 'for one,' so I assume there's something else you think is a mistake."
This was my chance. Either I took it or I kept my mouth shut and let her go off to move on without me, because surely that was what would happen. We'd grow apart eventually. Once she left me behind, there was no way we'd ever be as close as we were right then.
She must've felt me tense because she lifted her head and turned her body around so she was sitting with her legs crossed facing me. "What is it?"
I took a deep breath and blew it out hard.
"This is going to be big, isn't it?" Her eyes widened.
I nodded.
She reached for my hand. "Tell me."
"You remember sophomore year. That night." I didn't have to say anymore because she nodded slowly.
"Yeah, of course."
"And you remember the conversation we had after when we decided that us dating would be a mistake?"
"Yeah..." she dragged the word out.
"I think making that decision was a mistake."