by Kaye Kennedy
"Sure."
I left him in the living room and went down the hall to my efficiency-style kitchen and retrieved two glasses and a corkscrew.
"Allow me." He held his hand out for the corkscrew and I gladly gave it to him.
While he opened it, I placed the two glasses on the table and sat on the couch. He poured them out and handed me one before joining me on the couch. I thanked him and took a gulp.
Neither of us said anything and I knew that it was on me to do so, but I was terrified. I took another sip.
He put his glass on the table and turned to me, his hands folded in his lap. "Allie, it's just me. Yes, we're older and we've been...estranged, but we used to be able to tell each other anything, remember?"
I gave him a lopsided grin. "I remember." I sighed and fidgeted with my half-empty glass. "When I tell you this, I need you to promise that you'll listen to the whole story before you judge me, okay?"
"I'm not going to judge you and I promise I'll listen."
I'd had two days to prepare how this conversation would go, but I might as well have not bothered because my brain was mush. I took one more sip of my wine before putting it down. "I guess I should start at the beginning."
33
Kyle
In all the years I'd known Allie, and all the things we'd gone through together, I'd never seen her in such a state. It killed me to know that whatever it was she had to tell me had been a big enough deal to still affect her like that all these years later. Suddenly, my nervousness doubled. I'd already been anxious going over there, but mostly I’d been glad that I'd finally be getting answers. Then I’d seen her in her comfortable clothes and with the worry lines on her face and I had immediately become concerned.
"I guess I should start at the beginning." Her knee bobbed up and down, so I put my hand out to steady it. She turned her body toward me and I removed my hand from her leg as she bent one knee and tucked it beneath her. "As I'd said in my letter the morning after we..." She sighed. "I was confused and I needed to distance myself from you to figure it all out. That had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me." She took a breath. "My plan was to spend my first week at school really considering it so that we could then make the best decision for us. But then I had a nightmare roommate and school started and it was really hard and I wasn't sleeping. I won't bore you with all the details, but the next thing I knew, a month had gone by and I woke up one day and decided I was going to get over my shit and call you to beg for forgiveness."
Her gaze went to her hands folded in her lap. "I hadn't been feeling great, but I assumed it was from the stress and then I got what I thought was my period, but halfway through my psych class the pain became excruciating, so I got up to leave. But I collapsed."
Even though it had happened sixteen years ago, my heart lurched.
She bit her lip. "I don't remember much because I was in and out of consciousness, but when I woke up after surgery..." All of a sudden the color drained from her face.
"Allie, you okay?"
Her whole body shook.
I immediately reached for the pulse point on her wrist, but she pulled away and blurted out, "I was pregnant."
My jaw hung slack. We had a kid? No way I'd heard her correctly.
But then she said, "It was an ectopic pregnancy and my fallopian tube had ruptured."
My body started going numb.
"They did surgery to remove my tube."
I covered her hands with one of mine. "Oh, Allie."
"I realize now that the pregnancy was never viable, but back then, I was convinced it was my fault I'd lost the baby." She finally looked up at me. "Our baby." Her lip quivered.
I pulled her against my chest and held her like I'd used to do when we were young. "I'm so sorry."
We stayed like that for a while and I tried to process what that had been like for her. She must've been terrified and it killed me that I hadn't been there to help her through it. That she hadn't let me be there...
She pulled away, but kept a hand on my leg and I kept one on hers. She continued. "There's more."
My stomach turned over.
"While the doctor was performing my surgery, she found out that I have endometriosis, which explains why I've always had such terrible uterine pain."
Shit.
Her lips pressed bitterly into a hard line. "So there I was in the hospital bed, after living through one of the most stressful months of my entire life, being told that I had been pregnant, lost the baby, lost my fallopian tube, and I had endo." She huffed. "Then, the doctor delivered the fatal blow when she told me that my chances of getting pregnant in the future were between two and five percent."
How she was keeping herself together was shocking because my eyes were watering. "I'm sorry," I uttered because I honestly couldn't find any other words.
"It's not your fault. I mean, if I'm being honest, back then I definitely blamed you a little bit. Mostly I blamed myself, but there was certainly a part of me that was mad at you, albeit misdirected."
I grabbed her hand and cradled it between mine. "That's completely understandable. I just wish..." I sniffled. "Fuck, Allie, I wish I'd known so I could've been there for you." As my tears fell, her eyes glazed over. "It kills me to know that you were going through all of that without me." I kissed the back of her hand and pressed it against my wet cheek.
"It destroyed me," she whispered. "And I didn't want it to destroy you too."
I hugged her again because I had to. Despite all of the agony and anguish she'd gone through, she was protecting me. And that right there was why I'd loved her for twenty years, no matter how much I'd tried not to.
When we finally pulled away from each other, we both had wet faces and red eyes.
"I'm sorry, Kyle. So very sorry. I wanted to call you many, many times, but I couldn't bring myself to do it because how was I supposed to tell my best friend, the guy I loved—was in love with—that I'd lost his baby."
My baby. Chills shot up my spine. There were so many things I wanted to say in response. "First, please don't ever again feel like that was your fault. Ectopic pregnancies aren't caused by anything you did."
"I know, but at eighteen I couldn't see it that way."
"But please tell me you get that now because it's honestly killing me to think that you believe that."
She nodded.
"Second." I rubbed the back of her hand. "You were in love with me?"
She bit her lip. "Yes."
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment.
"I didn't realize it until the doctor called you my baby's father." Her lip quivered and her jaw tensed. "And it clicked for me that I wanted that with you. Not at eighteen, but eventually."
"That's all I've ever wanted, Allie. You're all I've ever wanted." I swallowed. "But how could you feel that way and then not reach out to me?"
She sighed. "The only answer I can give you is I was eighteen and traumatized. Then, after so much time passed, I was embarrassed by my behavior and I was convinced that you hated me because..." Her voice cracked. "I hated myself."
"I could never hate you," I whispered.
"But you need to understand that I was a kid and I was scared and I was angry and I was grieving. I'd lost a child—a piece of you and me—a child that would've been treasured and loved beyond belief. I was feeling guilty and worthless." The emptiness in her eyes was haunting.
My breath hitched. "You're not worthless."
"I was depressed. It was ugly and irrational, but I'd convinced myself that I was unlovable. That even if I had told you, you wouldn't want me anymore."
"I really can't stress this enough, Allie. That could never happen."
"Except it had happened. First my father left. Then Brandon went off to college and I barely saw him after that. Tyler went into the military. I can count on my fingers the number of times I've seen him since then. My mother had a new family." She wove her fingers into her hair at her scalp. "Then, I couldn't even h
old onto our baby. And I...I knew that if you left me I'd never recover from it. So, I was the one who left. I'm not saying it was right, but—"
"I get that."
"Really?" The desperation on her face broke me.
"Yes. I do. I don't like it, but I understand."
She sighed and it looked like a thousand pound weight had been lifted off of her chest.
I bit the inside of my cheeks. "You don't still feel that way though, do you?"
"I haven't finished the story yet."
My brows arched in disbelief. "There's more?" I didn't now how much more my heart could take, but then I realized that she'd lived through it and, for that, I had more respect for her than anyone else I knew.
"My husband had been my professor my sophomore year."
That took me aback. “Oh.”
"He's nine years older than I am, so we got engaged shortly after I graduated. As soon as we got married, we started trying to get pregnant."
I hated the thought of her being with another guy, but I tried to push that aside.
"You know how badly I wanted kids."
I nodded.
"We tried for a year with no luck. Then we tried IUI. I had to inject myself with ovulation induction medications and then go to the doctor to be inseminated. After three rounds, one took." Her legs shook again. "I miscarried at nine weeks."
"Allie," I whispered soothingly.
"We tried it again, but it didn't take. After that, we decided to continue to try naturally while we saved up for IVF, which was fifteen-thousand-dollars."
"Damn."
"It took nearly two years, but we did it. And I got pregnant with twins."
I held my breath.
"I lost them at eleven weeks."
"Fuck, Allie."
Her whole body was shaking, so I put an arm around her and leaned back so she could rest on me while she continued telling me her story. "As I'm sure you can imagine, it destroyed me. I felt utterly worthless. And Kevin blamed me, too. Our marriage fell apart because he resented me for taking those years away from him…for not giving him a child."
I wanted to strangle the motherfucker. I turned her around so she had to look at me. "I'm going to say this again." I stared straight into her eyes. "You are not worthless."
She grunted and started counting on her fingers. "My father, my mother, Brandon, Tyler, four babies, my husband." She shook her head. "Here I am at thirty-four all alone because none of those people thought I was worth sticking around for."
I leaned my forehead on hers and whispered, "You have me. You've always had me. And you always will."
She sighed and pulled her head back. "So there you have it. My life story. It's ugly and grim and—"
"It's you."
She scoffed. "Lucky me."
"No, I'm serious. All of those things have made you who you are today and you should be damn proud of that. Honestly, Allie I am astounded by you and beyond impressed, even a little intimidated because I don't know if I could go through all that and be as strong as you are."
She cupped my cheek. "You could, Kyle, but I would never want you to have to."
"Do me one favor, Allie?"
"What's that?"
"Let me decide what I do or do not want to be around for from now on, okay?"
She smiled. "I can do that."
I kissed her forehead.
She leapt from the couch with a gasp and fled from the room. I was on my feet and on her trail. "What is it?"
I found her in the kitchen sitting on the floor laughing her ass off.
I smiled. "What?"
"I thought...lasagna...burning," she got out amongst her laughter.
It was contagious so I started laughing as well.
She pointed at the oven. "I...never turned...it on."
I sat beside her on the floor and we both laughed entirely too hard. Partly because she'd been defrosting the lasagna in a cold oven, but mostly because we needed to release. When we finally caught our breath, we leaned our backs against the cabinets, sufficiently spent.
I turned to her. "Should we order a pizza?”
She grinned. "That sounds perfect."
34
Allie
As I drove the familiar stretch of I-95 up to Mamaroneck for dinner with Mrs. H, I reflected on the night before with Kyle. It had been one of the most difficult conversations of my life, but it had gone better than I'd anticipated. After more than a decade of imagining that moment, I'd fully expected him to be disgusted with me. But I should've known better. Kyle was nothing like Kevin.
All day, I'd felt lighter and happier than I had in an unfathomably long time. I also felt completely foolish because if I hadn't been so blinded by my grief and anger, Kyle would've supported me through it and, while who knows where our lives would've led, one thing I was certain of, it would've saved me a lot of heartache. Spending time alone with Kyle after so many years apart had been wonderful. I'd always known there'd been a Kyle-shaped hole in my heart, but that night really dialed in on how much I'd missed my best friend.
After such an emotional evening, we'd left things open ended with a "see you soon" promise. I hadn't mentioned the dinner with his mom. Not sure why. I suppose I worried he wouldn't trust me around his family yet. Kyle was fiercely protective of them and when I left, I'd hurt them, too. I needed to make amends with each of them, which was what I’d planned to start doing that night with Mrs. H.
I pulled up to what could only be referred to as my second home. It was the same two-story, white brick colonial with black shutters that had been the backdrop for so many of my memories. As I pulled in the driveway, I counted four cars, which was four too many assuming Mrs. H's was in the garage. I laughed to myself because I should've expected her to pull something like this. Family had always been paramount to her and for a long time I'd been a part of that family. Before I could back out and pretend like I'd had an emergency and couldn't make it, a tall, handsome man with shaggy blonde hair came out the kitchen door. He cocked his head in surprise and started heading toward me. I turned off my car and got out, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans.
"Do you need directions or something?" he asked.
I covered my mouth with my hand. He may have grown up, but he still had that baby face. "Ryan?"
His brow furrowed. "Do I—?"
"I'm Allie."
His jaw dropped. "Holy shit, Allie?"
I surveyed him. The last time I'd seen him, he'd been twelve and a whole lot shorter. He had to be six-and-a-half-feet tall and his muscles rivaled his big brother's. I craned my neck and said, "My goodness you are all grown up."
He laughed and opened his arms. "Come here. It's good to see you."
I hugged him and replied, "Good to see you, too."
When we parted, he asked, "Does everyone know you’re coming?"
I shook my head. "I don’t think so. Your mom invited me, but she left out the part about it being a family affair."
He smirked. "Sounds about right. I've got to grab something from my car, but then I'll go in with you."
"Thanks."
He retrieved a woman's pink sweater from the front seat of his BMW and then I followed him to the house. He opened the door to the empty kitchen and went straight to the living room where he announced, "You guys are never gonna believe what I found outside."
"Your sense of humor?" a man's deep voice guessed.
I stepped into the room and gave a small wave. "Hi everyone." It was quite intimidating having all of their shocked eyes on me. I tucked my hands into the pockets of my black puffy vest. Mrs. H and the boys were there, but there were also three women I didn't recognize. My gaze went straight to Kyle and after he picked his jaw up from the floor he gave me a smile that lit up his entire face and that made some of my anxiety melt away.
Mrs. H stepped forward and pulled me into a giant mom hug. "Allie, I'm so glad you could make it."
Dylan came over next. "Well, this is a great surprise." He gave
me a quick hug. "It's good to see you, Allie." He looked so much like the teenaged boy I remembered.
"Yeah, you, too."
Jesse greeted me next. I almost didn't recognize him because he was a far cry from the fourteen-year-old kid I'd last seen, but his blue-gray eyes were a dead giveaway. He looked so much like his father.
Then, Kyle was there. I leaned into his hug like it was my lifeline.
"What are you doing here?" he asked curiously.
"Apparently your mom hasn't lost her ability to orchestrate a surprise. I thought it was just going to be me and her." I glanced over at Mrs. H who had her face twisted in a perplexed manner. Guess Kyle hadn't told her that we'd already seen each other because she appeared to be slightly disappointed like maybe she'd been expecting some big, emotional reunion. I unzipped my vest.
Kyle shook his head and chuckled. "Well, I'm glad you're here." He took the vest from me and draped it over the back of a chair. "Come meet the girls."
An adorable pint-sized brunette wrapped her arms around me. "I'm Autumn. Dylan's wife."
"Nice to meet you. And congratulations, Kyle told me you got married over the summer."
Dylan draped his arm over her shoulders. "We did." He beamed with pride and my heart swelled for them.
Another set of arms were around me. These belonged to a tall, stunning woman with curly auburn hair and emerald eyes. "Nice to meet you, Allie. I'm Jesse's fiancée, Lana."
"Congrats to you as well." I looked from her to Jesse and back. "You own a brewery, right?"
She grinned. "Yeah, I do."
"That's fun. I'd love to check it out."
"Stop by whenever. I'll give you the family treatment."
Jesse laughed beside her. "That means you'd better be ready to be put to work."
Lana slapped his arm. "Quit it, you."
He shrugged. "Did you or did you not give me a job the first day I was there."
She poked his chest. "You volunteered."
"Yeah, yeah."
Ryan stepped between us clutching the hand of a cute blonde. "Allie, this is my girlfriend, Zoe."