by M. J. O'Shea
“Okay, dear. Well, have a good day.”
“Tell Mellie and Grams and Gramps hi for me.”
Fen couldn’t get off the phone fast enough. He snuggled back down, spooned against Kevin’s warm chest, and hoped the phone call and all it implied would be forgotten. No such luck.
“Do your parents still not know you date guys sometimes?” Kevin asked against Fen’s neck. He sounded a little annoyed.
Fen shook his head. “No. I mean, before you I didn’t date guys, and other than you I still haven’t. My family’s conservative and they live far away, and well, you went home, and….”
“I get it.” Kevin didn’t sound like he got it, and Fen knew where he was coming from. Kevin was so open about everything, like nothing in his life was a big deal and he’d never think of hiding it. “I’m a firefighter, I get conservative. Some of the guys have been pretty big dicks to me about being gay.”
“But they all know?”
“Always. I mean, I’ve never had a girlfriend, not even when I was a kid. There wasn’t any point in trying to hide who I am, so I never even tried.”
Fen squirmed around so he was facing Kevin. He brushed kisses across his forehead, his nose, his lips. It was such an uncomfortable subject, and one Fen wasn’t quite ready to explore. He just wanted to kiss and touch and reacquaint himself with Kevin.
“So, um, you okay with going out tonight?”
“Yeah, of course. I’m excited to see Jeremy and Ro.”
It was nice of Kevin to let him change the subject like that so easily. Fen smiled and kissed his neck. “They’re excited to see you too. And Ben of course. He pretty much told me if we tried to ditch tonight they were coming and dragging us out of bed as is.”
“That would be interesting.” Kevin raised the duvet and glanced down at their naked bodies.
“Yeah,” Fen chuckled. “They’d probably be cool with looking at you but they might heave if they saw me naked.”
Kevin’s smile faded a little. “I’m still worried he’s gonna hate me.”
“Nah. He’s easy. Just don’t steal his beer and you’re good.”
“I think I can handle that.”
LATER THAT night they were showered and dressed and in Fen’s car heading for Beaver’s. Kevin had his fingers twined through Fen’s and Fen couldn’t help but notice he was twitching and looked a little uncomfortable. Since they’d never been uncomfortable with each other, he was a bit concerned.
“You okay, babe?”
“I’m fine. I’m just… nervous,” Kevin said. “Like, really nervous.”
“Why?”
Kevin looked at him like he was crazy. “Because I’m meeting Ben. You know how you guys talk about him, like he’s some sort of god.”
Fen snorted hard. The thought of Ben being a god nearly made him wreck the car. It was probably best if Ben never heard that comparison. He’d be impossible to deal with after that. “He’s not a god. I promise. He gets cheese on his nose half the time when he eats nachos, and he’s a momma’s boy but his dress shirts are always creased and half of them have paint all over them. He’s just Ben.”
“Yeah, but you love him. It’s important for him to like me.”
Fen thought that was pretty much the most adorable thing he’d heard in a long time. Kevin cared.
“He will. You’ve got the Rory seal of approval and he’s really not a pain. He likes everyone unless they suck.” Kevin’s sly little smile didn’t get past Fen. He rolled his eyes. “You know what I mean.”
Rory and Jeremy gave Kevin big hugs when they walked into Beaver’s. Fen thought Ben would just shake his hand, the typical greeting for, you know, a stranger, but he hugged him as well. Kevin seemed surprised, but pleasantly so. His cheeks turned pink and he did that bashful smile Fen hadn’t seen since they first met.
“It’s nice to finally meet the guy who dragged Fenny over to the dark side,” Ben said when they drew apart. He clapped Kevin on the shoulder.
If anything, Kevin blushed harder. “I think someone would’ve managed it. I don’t have superpowers.”
“Not sure I agree,” Fen whispered.
“You know, I heard that. And I’m pretty sure I don’t want to know,” Jeremy muttered.
“Probably not.” He thought about torturing him a little, but decided to be nice. Instead, he just trailed his fingers down Kevin’s arm and twined their hands together.
“Let’s grab everyone a round,” Kevin said. Maybe he was kissing up just a touch, but Fen let him get away with it. He was so sweet with his need to please Ben that it would be mean to give him shit about it.
Ben grinned. “See, I like this one already.”
Fen was glad. He’d also been right. Kevin was a big hit with Ben and vice versa. They joked, teased Jeremy, and ganged up on Fen and Rory more than once. Fen had known it would be like that when the two of them finally got together. He hadn’t been worried at all, even if Kevin had been. By the time they made it back to Fen’s apartment, Kevin was grinning ear to ear.
“I told you you’d like Ben.”
Kevin nodded enthusiastically. “He’s supercool. You guys are hilarious together too.” They’d been on pretty tame behavior that night. There had been times he’d been surprised they didn’t get kicked out of Beaver’s, where the employees were at least used to them, or wherever else they’d been.
Fen laughed. “Not sure Jeremy and Ro always think we’re so funny.”
“Well, yeah. I think you guys embarrass them. They probably need it, though.” Kevin grinned. “I have a feeling Jeremy would get a bit stodgy without you guys to keep him loosened up.”
“Loose,” Fen muttered and chuckled.
“You’re a pervert.”
Fen was mildly outraged. “Like you can talk. You totally exhausted?”
Kevin shrugged. “Kinda. Mostly I just want to get in bed with you so I can touch you.”
“What time is Jani coming Sunday?” Fen frowned.
“Nine, remember? We have a long drive ahead of us.”
Fen pulled Kevin in for a kiss. “I wish you didn’t have to go.”
“Me too. I just got here and now tomorrow’s it.”
He didn’t want to think about how short that amount of time was. Or how much he wished he could wake up Monday morning and Kevin would still be there. Or the next month. Or the next year. Jesus….
“C’mon. Let’s go to bed.” It was easier to say that than everything else he’d been thinking.
SUNDAY MORNING. It came much faster than he’d thought it would. It seemed like one moment he and Kevin were falling asleep, and the next moment Kevin’s sister was knocking on the door while Kevin scrambled around trying to get all of his things into his duffel bag.
“I’ll just, uh, wait in the car.” Jani waved. He liked her. A lot. She probably saw on Fen’s face just how much he needed a minute to say good-bye without someone else watching. “It was nice to meet you Fen. I’m sure I’ll see you soon.”
Fen waved back and waited until she was gone before he collapsed into Kevin’s arms. He felt good and strong, and it was impossible to let go.
“I really don’t like saying good-bye to you,” Kevin murmured into Fen’s neck. It seemed like they always were, or getting ready to. Fen had a momentary little fantasy where they wouldn’t have to, but their lives were in different places. Literally. He didn’t see how either of them could just pick up and float off to another city to be with each other.
“I hate it,” Fen whispered. He did that thing again, the one where he made himself not get all dumb and teary. “I swear this is worse than before, too. Harder.”
“Yeah, it is. For me too. Why?”
Fen shrugged under Kevin’s arms. “We got to know each other a lot more after you left. On the phone, when we couldn’t just… you know.”
“Fuck each other constantly?”
“Yeah. That.” Fen snorted. “Not exactly the wording I’d have chosen, but the same principle.”
Fen put his fingers over Kevin’s mouth. “Don’t say it. Don’t say it when we can’t do a damn thing about it.”
Kevin wrapped his hand around Fen’s wrist, kissed his fingers, and pulled it away. “I won’t.”
“Just give me a hug and go get in the car. Jani’s waiting for you.”
“She can wait a little longer.” Kevin leaned in and captured Fen’s lips for one last kiss. And like their actual relationship, the kiss felt more real—there were so many things behind it, so many emotions he had too many words for.
“Kev, I—”
Kevin put his fingers on Fen’s lips. “Don’t say it if we can’t do anything about it,” he repeated.
Fen nodded. Kevin gave him one more lingering kiss and, with a sad shake of his head, turned for the stairs. “I’ll let you know when I get back to San Diego.”
Fen tried not to notice that for the first time he didn’t call San Diego home.
Chapter 14
THE WEEKS between Thanksgiving and the start of Christmas break flew by, much to Fen’s surprise. He was busier than usual, and his kids’ holiday restlessness made his job that much more challenging. By the time he made it home at the end of most days, he wanted to pass out. Too bad, though. He had a ton of grading to do as well. They had to get all their units finished before they left for two weeks and it all flew out of the kids’ brains like they’d never learned it in the first place. He also had a lot of work to do to get ready to go to Michigan. For the first time, he wasn’t looking forward to going home, or to Michigan at all. It didn’t feel like home anymore.
Sure, he wanted to see his family, but he just wasn’t as hyped as he usually was for the holidays. Still, he put effort into wrapping gifts and shipping them out so they’d be there by the time he arrived. He put even more effort into picking something dumb and silly, but still meaningful, for Kevin and shipping that out as well. He might have included some lotion and body spray for Jani as well, but if Kevin could romance Ben with free drinks then he could do the same thing with girly products for Kevin’s sister. He wanted her to like him.
HE MANAGED to make it to the first night of break without keeling over. Barely. Gifts were sent off, papers were all graded, bags were packed and sitting by the door. Fen only had to get in Jeremy’s car in the morning and make it to the airport. The first night of break was always celebrated at Beaver’s, usually with a late night excursion to the Sugarshack as well, before the guys dropped Fen off, still partly drunk, at the airport for his trip home. He doubted this night would be different.
Of course, the night started with a huge running hug from Ben. Usually he’d have seen Ben only a few hours before. Not the case this year, of course. So he squeezed back tight and thumped Ben on the chest when they pulled away.
“You asshole. I can’t believe you got here last night and this is the first I’m hearing about it. I thought you weren’t coming in until four today.”
Rory snickered. “Pretty sure you wouldn’t have wanted to be around us last night, man.”
“Why—wow. Never mind, that was about to be the dumbest question in the whole entire universe.”
“And maybe a few other universes as well.” Jeremy rolled his eyes. He punched Fen on the shoulder, then grabbed Ben for a long hug. It had only been a few weeks since Thanksgiving, but still… “It’s still not the same here without you, dude. You know that.”
“Even with Fenny’s new girlfriend?”
Jeremy laughed. “Say those two words to Kevin’s face and see how quickly he takes your eye out.”
Fen got embarrassed pretty quickly. He and Kevin had acted like the most ridiculous love-struck morons over Thanksgiving weekend, but that didn’t mean they were on Ben and Rory’s level. There was no… future. At least not one they could count on.
“I know I said it already but I like Kevin.” Ben clapped Fen on the shoulder. “He fits in. Good choice, bro.”
“Can we not talk about Kevin while you two are all pod-people over there? I miss him and it’s depressing.”
Ben had returned his arms, and pretty much every other available part, to Rory’s side. Fen did feel bad for them; they had months to go before Ben moved home and since they’d gotten back together they were so, so, so good. The distance had to suck. Fen got it. Still didn’t mean he needed to see them draped all over each other while he was standing there feeling like the most pathetic single dude on the planet. And he’d never felt lame for being single before. Not till now.
“No Kevin talk. Promise.” Ben grinned. “Let’s go get drinks. And nachos. I’ve missed Beaver’s so much the past few weeks.”
Rory smacked him on the arm. “You missed us.”
“Of course. But if I get you guys with a side of nachos, that’s even better.”
“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that or else you might end up on the couch tonight.”
Rory had slowly been moving his things over to Ben’s empty place. Fen figured Rory’s apartment would be gone in a year. Probably not even close to that. They were practically married anyway.
“You wouldn’t. Too many months with just your right hand is enough to make any guy go crazy.”
“Who says it’s just my hand? There are accessories available, you know.”
Jeremy groaned. “Are you fucking serious right now? I can’t even handle that.”
Rory, Ben, and even Fen burst into laughter.
“Don’t knock it till you try it,” Rory said.
Fen hadn’t ever tried any of the accessories Rory was talking about. He had to admit that he was suddenly a little curious.
“Hey, check it out,” Ben said. He nudged Rory and pointed at Fen. “We’ve given our little grasshopper some ideas.”
“Shut up,” Fen mumbled to the soundtrack of Jeremy gagging. Sometimes he wondered if he really did miss Ben. It had been a while since someone had publicly embarrassed him like that.
“You love me. Too bad I already got you a Christmas gift. Doesn’t even require batteries. Maybe you need a gift for New Year’s too.” Ben wriggled his eyebrows.
Fen reached across the booth and punched Ben in the arm. “Don’t even think about it.”
A NIGHT at Beaver’s followed by fairly tame debauchery at the Sugarshack was just what Fen needed. Of course he didn’t exactly need five beers on the night before he had to fly three quarters of the way across the country, but what were the holidays without a little bit of tradition? So the next morning, he stumbled out to Jeremy’s car feeling like he was going to puke. His suitcase had to weigh half a ton. He was glad that he’d at least had the foresight to ship all the gifts ahead of time. If he’d had to carry one more thing, he’d probably spend Christmas face-planted in his building’s parking lot.
The boys laughed and clapped him on the back. Rory passed him a bottle of Dramamine, and Ben handed him a twenty-ounce latte and a breakfast sandwich.
“Thanks for taking me to the airport, guys.”
“We always do. It’s tradition.”
Fen smiled and laid his head on Ben’s shoulder until he realized having his head sideways made him feel even more sick. He decided it might be a good idea to eat his breakfast. That could only help.
BY THE time his parents picked him up from the Grand Rapids airport that night, he felt like his brain was about to explode. He was exhausted and ready for bed. Not likely, since half of the town was probably waiting at his parents’ house for the Christmas party they always hosted that weekend. Fen wondered what he’d been thinking when he decided this was the best day to fly in. He made the same mistake every damn year. And he harped on his students for forgetting their lessons.
His parents’ huge cedar house was decked out with garlands and lights and filled with more people than Fen wanted to see. Ever. His old neighbors, cousins, aunts, and uncles were all happy to see him and
wanted to hear about his adventures out west. He didn’t want to bore them with stories of teaching class and going to the gym, but at the same time he remembered everyone’s tentative reaction to Ben and cringed at the idea of talking about Kevin and Rory. Yes, cousin Jakey. Move to California and you, too, can find a hot firefighter of your own, and a fun group of gay friends. His cousin would probably implode.
Fen escaped to his old bedroom as early as he could. It had been redone into a guest room decorated in shades of mauve and pine green, and his bunk beds had been replaced by a rough-hewn, woodsy queen with an intricate handmade quilt. Like he’d thought before he left, it didn’t feel like home anymore. To be honest, it had been years since being with his family felt like home and not just visiting. He still loved them, but other than his mom and sister, they didn’t know him anymore. Even they didn’t know everything about his day-to-day life. Or, well, the biggest thing about his life.
Speaking of….
He was surprised when his phone buzzed. Fen fished it out of his pocket.
“Hey, you.” It was Kevin, calling a little earlier than their usual unofficial nightly appointment.
“Hey, babe. How was your trip?”
Fen groaned. “Long. I feel so rough. This is what happens when Ben’s home. I swear. We closed down the damn club last night.”
He wasn’t sure, but he thought Kevin might have growled a bit at that. “Mostly, it was just Jeremy and I drinking and watching the love birds paw at each other. Kind of disgusting. And I have a lovely hangover as a souvenir.”
Kevin laughed at him. “Is it good to see your family, though?”
“There are a lot of people here tonight, so I didn’t get to talk to my parents much. It’ll be better tomorrow.”
“Is it snowing there?” Kevin sounded a bit envious. Fen supposed that there hadn’t been much chance for him to see snow, growing up in San Diego. Fen was jealous of Kevin. As far as he was concerned, there was nothing glamorous about freezing his ass off.