by Mae Temson
“Grazie.”
“Prego.”
22
The dashing out of restaurants is becoming a common theme with us. This time it's me doing the chasing. I hope to god I don't lose sight of her as I won't know where the hell I am.
Finally we reach a junction at the end of the road and she hails a cab. For a split second I am convinced she is going to leave me there but she holds the door open and beckons for me to get in. She asks the driver to take us back to Hotel Locarno and we are soon wending our way north again. I can't find any words and she hasn't spoken to me since telling me she was paying so I don't push it as we watch the streets of Rome go by. Her hand finds mine however and the squeeze she gives it says more than either of us are verbally capable of right now.
Her room at the Locarno is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. I guess its a suite not a room. Its grand, opulent. The décor is outstanding, historic and classy. It has a balcony overlooking the Piazza del Popolo domes. Abrielle has poured us drinks and we are standing out there taking in the amazing view and soaking up the last of the days sunshine. No one has said anything yet.
“I am sorry Delta. Truly sorry.” Her voice breaks a little as she is the first to break the silence, “I owe you an explanation. An explanation for my behaviour.”
I move to say something in response but she stops me. She looks so sad I just want to put my arms around her and hold her forever.
“Let's sit.” She takes my hand and leads me back inside to a lavishly furnished area. There is a sofa and two chairs. I move to sit on a single chair but she guides me to the plush green sofa,
“Please? I want to be close to you. If you will let me?”
There are so many responses I have to that but I hold them in and sit next to her as she wishes me to. She looks so solemn I am certain that this is going to be bad news.
“Delta, my dear Delta. I am so, so very sorry for my actions earlier. I feel I may have spoilt a fantastic evening. It's just that...well you see...I.. I...I haven't experienced such a depth of feeling as I have for you right now since... well since Sadie and I am frightened to think of Sadie because it brings back so many bad memories for me...I..”
“You don't have to tell me..please don't..”
“I really do Delta. I really do.”
As we sat there, so close and yet a universe apart she said that after me and our teenage summer together she hadn't really felt like that again about anyone and there hadn't been anyone in her life at all and so she was beginning to think it had all been a teenage crush or test of some sort or that maybe I had been the one and she had let me slide away from her. Then she met Sadie while working at the magazine in New York. She said that when she started to get the same feelings about her as she had had for me she was terrified but also hopeful for another chance.
Sadie worked as a sports/health columnist while studying Health and Physical Education at St Johns in Queens. Sadie was confident, intelligent and extremely popular. She seemed to get on with everyone at the paper and appeared to have a large circle of friends. Abrielle said she put her personal feelings for Sadie aside at the outset and dismissed them for as long as she could. She didn't feel like she would fit in to Sadie's sporty lifestyle and at that point she hadn't even completely accepted her own sexuality. She didn't know enough about Sadie as a person let alone be certain if Sadie was even gay.
Abrielle had seen her a couple of times socially at magazine colleagues birthday bashes or promotion events and noted that she never arrived with anyone significant. Eventually they got chatting at work and Sadie asked her to take some photos for a baseball feature she had been asked to do. After this they spent some more time together. At first they went out with some of Sadie's Uni friends to baseball games or a party at someone's house then they started going to the cinema alone or out for a meal. Abrielle said she was falling in deep for Sadie but didn't want to broach the subject for fear of losing a friend. A lot of the connections, the networks she had made in New York were through knowing Sadie and she felt that to blow this friendship would mean losing a lot of new friends. Besides she was almost certain that somebody as confident as Sadie would have established a positive sense of their own self and if she was gay she would have accepted it by now. The fact that she had never mentioned it or anyone significant made Abrielle assume that her feelings for Sadie were just something she was going to have to learn to live with and bury somewhere.
It turned out that she could not have been more wrong. One night a dangerously drunk Sadie rolled up at Abrielle's apartment extremely worse for wear, practically incoherent but who managed to declare undying love for Abrielle before passing out in her front room. The next day, abashed and ashamed of herself, Sadie tried to deny everything. She had no recollection of the last part of her night and certainly did not remember anything she had said to Abrielle. Abrielle took her chances and laid everything bare for Sadie to accept or dismiss as she saw fit. Nothing more was said about the matter and Sadie slunk off home to re-cooperate and sleep it off.
The next few days at work were awkward and they more or less avoided each other but eventually Sadie asked her out to dinner, apologised for her behaviour that night and explained her behaviour to date. It turned out that she had been living incomplete denial of her true self. She was one of six kids, the only girl. She had had no choice but to be boyish in her pursuits or spend endless hours at home alone. Her brothers were typical boys, boisterous, noisy, tough, sporty and she had to join in with them and their friends or be left behind. What they played, she played. What they did, she did. When she had started to get feelings for other girls at school she had thought it was because she was just like her brothers. When she came home one day from school and told her mother she had kissed Annie Black from her class her mother slapped her and made her stay indoors doing “girl” chores and from then on forced her to learn to sew and to cook. Her father was told of her indiscretion and the anger she witnessed forced her to keep her true self a total secret from then on in. She had continued to be sporty but she had made sure to date the most popular football player in school until she had left for college and then university. Such was her denial of herself that she had not done what many do when they find themselves free of parental domination. She had not gone wild or slept around at all, she had not experimented in any way, neither she had not allowed herself to date anybody of either sex. Then she met Abrielle and her feelings were such, she said, that she felt she could not reign them in any longer.
Abrielle said they dated for a while and it soon became quite serious. They were inseparable for a good year and then Abrielle's career started to blossom with the invitation to have her own permanent exhibition at a small down town gallery and the interest in her from other magazines increased and her work was is demand. She said it was like Sadie changed almost over night. She became clingy and possessive. She wanted to know exactly where Abrielle would be at any given moment. She was jealous and suspicious of anyone that Abrielle met without her. She would throw tantrums and then sulk for days if Abrielle went out on her own with work friends or people from the gallery. Abrielle said she tolerated it for longer than she should have because ultimately she loved Sadie. She had fallen totally for her and genuinely believed they had a future together. Sadie would be fine for a while and then something or someone would set her off again and she would rant and rail or disappear for days on end. She started to drink far too much and this only served to worsen her paranoia. No one in their set or group of friends really knew how bad it was getting for Abrielle and although now she can't see how or why she did, she kept it from people. She felt like somehow it was her fault. She did all she could to include Sadie in the new aspects of her life but it wasn't always possible. She began to keep things from her which she hated doing but it was often easier than the scenes she knew would follow.
After one trip away to take photographs on location for a fashion piece Abrielle returned to find Sadie more accusatory
than ever. She said she wouldn't believe anything that she told her about the trip. She was convinced Abrielle was cheating. Convinced that Abrielle was turning her friends against her, nothing Abrielle said could diffuse the situation. When Abrielle she said she was going out to give Sadie time to calm down she grabbed her, shoved her to the floor and hit her. Abrielle said she was so stunned she found herself apologising for upsetting Sadie. Sadie, she said, was remorseful and more upset than Abrielle had ever seen her. She seriously thought that if she left her alone at that time she would harm herself in some way. They talked and talked for the next couple of days. Sadie made promises that Abrielle believed and told her repeatedly that she loved her, which Abrielle also believed. Sadie agreed to get help. She agreed to stop drinking and things went along okay for a while.
One night Abrielle was back later from work than she had anticipated. Sadie wanted to know why and when Abrielle explained Sadie wouldn't accept her answers. When Abrielle said she didn't want to argue and that she was going to bed Sadie hit her again and when Abrielle made a dash for the door she blocked it and prevented her from leaving. Sadie smashed her phone and kept her in their apartment for three days and hit her twice more before Abrielle finally managed to get away. She made it to friends who took her in. Understandably it took her a long time to recover. Her confidence was destroyed and her ability to trust was shot to pieces. When I had asked her about previous partners it had all come flooding back and a rush of bad memories had overwhelmed her. She said that there had been a couple of people in her life since but she had always kept it at a casual level and had never been able to fully commit again. She said that the way she had been joking with me since we met again was a coping strategy she had learnt when with Sadie and one that had become second nature. She had learned that it was easier to keep things light in situations where she didn't feel entirely comfortable or when she was nervous.
My heart broke for her in that instant. I couldn't begin to understand or appreciate the pain she had been through. All I wanted to do was protect her from here on in. If she would let me.
“I hope I don't make you nervous or uncomfortable?” I said, taking her hands in mine. She was shaking, “Abrielle, Please know that I am here if you need me. We can talk, you can talk and I can listen. Whatever you need.”
“Darling Delta, my darling Delta. I knew that if, somehow, I ever found you again you would still be the sweetest of people. I wasn't wrong. I know we have only just reconnected and I know our time together so far has been short but I know I am right in this. What I wasn't ready for was the immediacy of the depth of feeling I have for you. I knew that if we ever met again we could find it. I thought that given time we would maybe start again but I didn't realise that it would happen so soon. I have not felt this way about anyone since you, the first time, and since Sadie before it all went wrong. Remembering her upset me, I won't, I can't, deny it but I know that you are the one who can help me trust again. Help me love again. Fully.”
23
She looked so vulnerable. Her confidence swept aside, laying her soul bare. I knew in that moment that what I wanted more than anything was for never to be apart from her again. To look after her, protect her from future harm but it crossed my mind too that if we took another step, if we leapt, would our complicated lives collide often enough to make it work? As if reading my thoughts she lent in and whispered,
“We can work it out angel, I know we can.” She placed the gentlest of kisses on my neck. “We can work it out.”
That now familiar wave of desire she causes in me surged through me once again and I answered to it as her soft, sweet, sensuous mouth found mine and she kissed me. Full, deep, meant. I knew what I wanted, hell I knew what I had wanted since I first laid eyes on her again. She had reignited the blaze of desire instantly for me but I didn't want to push the issue if she was feeling insecure. I didn't want her ever to be able to say that I had taken advantage of the situation. I didn't want to feel like I had made her do something she wasn't ready for.
She pulled away from me and smiled. Smiled that smile that had me flying backwards through time, back to that delicious summer. I felt like I knew her so well but in the same moment it all felt so new. We still had so much to learn about each other. We had only just re-connected. I didn't want to spoil things or ruin the potential we may have by jumping too soon. She lent back in to me and kissed me again, tilting my head to hers with the softest touch of a finger under my chin. This time she didn’t pull away. As we kissed, her hands found mine and pulled them to her hips before her own found their way to my back. Delicate fingers moved up and down tracing invisible patterns while sending electric shivers to my core. I was nervous and frightened of how soon this was happening for us but I followed her lead and took her ever deepening kisses to signal that this was what she too wanted.
My hands moved from her hips to her thighs, from her thighs to her back, all the time dancing a dainty, tiptoe tango up to her neck, her face and back down to find her arms, her stomach, her breasts. As our hands met briefly in this gossamer journey our fingers danced together awhile, finger tips barely touching yet the frisson was immense. We kissed a little more before she stood and led me by the hand across the marble floor to the plush, Venetian style bed. The sun had finally dipped below the houses of Rome and the room was now in twilight.
We lay there a while taking each other in, the sounds of Rome in the evening drifting in through the open balcony doors. Anticipation hung in the still warm air, sparking between us like live electric terminals. We reached for each other, eagerly and tentatively all in the same instant before instinctively moving closer together, kissing once again. Our kisses deepened yet more, tongues probing and exploring as our hands began their dance again, this time finding their way under clothes to hot bare skin. I could feel Abrielle's stomach quiver as my fingers trailed across it. I felt my own breath gasp and then quicken as her hands found increasingly intimate areas of my body. Slowly our clothes became fewer until we found ourselves almost naked. I find that my body is on top of hers and she accepts the full weight of me, her legs parting, her hips rising to accept mine between them. My hands trace the edges of her underwear and I hear her moan slightly as I brush across every part of her, a line of goosebumps follow in my wake. We roll again and now Abrielle is on top of me. She sits astride me and removes the last of her clothes before removing the last of mine. Something catches the light and I realise she still wears the little marcasite letter A pendant that I bought her all those years ago, a flood of emotions almost overwhelms me. Capturing my still exploring hands, she holds them to either side of my head as she begins a tantalisingly slow journey of licks and nips and kisses down the full length of my body. She releases my hands only to continue her journey down, her mouth on my inner thighs, her hands on my stomach, my hips. She begins her journey up again, teasing her way up to cup my breasts in her hands. Her fingers tease me before her mouth finds them and her delicate touches become firmer and more definite, sending me into rapture.
It feels as though our bodies are melting into each other as we lay the full length of each other once again. Our kisses are fervent and feverish now as our hands explore each other again with an urgency I have never before experienced. I feel Abrielle's mouth leave mine only to travel once more down my neck, my breasts, my stomach, my thighs. My hands find their way to her head and in to her hair, she pauses briefly to look up my body to me. Her eyes are dark with desire and the look that flashes across them just before they disappear once more has an intensity in it that sears every inch of me. Her tongue finds me and the urgency of its touch brings me to the point of delirium.
Mouths pressed together again the taste of myself on her full lips excites me, our bodies are inseparable now. My mouth moves to her neck, her breasts, her quivering stomach. My hands reach for her, every inch of her. They find the soft mound between her legs which rises and parts to receive them. Her groans intoxicate me and my fingers explore, stroke and c
aress, gently at first and then more intensely. Abrielle's fingers find the depth of me and it seems as though I have been waiting my whole life for her touch. We are one again, her pleasure is mine and mine hers. Together we reach the culmination of our dance of desire and to me her cries are the greatest music I have ever heard.
24
I woke the next morning to lots of texts and several missed calls from Dave which I eventually returned. After vehement reassurances from me that all was more than well he accepted that I was okay and that I would be down to the gig in plenty of time for the meet and greets and the final sound check.
Abrielle and I spent the early part of the morning having room service in bed before forcing ourselves to part long enough to shower and dress. We checked out of Hotel Locarno and took a cab to the bands hotel so I could pick up my clothes for the gig. Whilst it was by no means a low budget place it lacked the style and the obvious history that the Locarno had. I was glad we had spent our first night together in such exquisite, lavish surroundings and in Rome too. It seemed fitting to me.
Far from regretting our leap in to the unknown Abrielle was keen to revisit our delightful reunion and the lure and temptation of the clean crisp bed in my unused hotel room proved too much for either of us. I was at a loss to see how even the most innocent of kisses between us was ever not going to lead to us returning to our undeniable physical connection.
We got to the venue a little later than we had planned. We had stopped along the way for Abrielle to take some photographs of street scenes we passed. There were a few raised eyebrows and sly digs from the boys but all good natured. They thought at first, because of the camera, that Abrielle was a journalist. I explained that she wasn't and that she was with me. Whatever their initial thoughts were they kept them to themselves. They were always happy if I was happy. I had no time to explain everything to Dave and had to leave Abrielle with him for a tour of the venue and to properly meet the lads while I was whisked away to a meet and greet before a final sound check. Dave escorted her to my dressing room some time later, giving me the thumbs up behind her as he left.