by Claire Davis
“Fuck off you tossers. You’re all fucking assholes,” Troy shouted, as Cal dragged him down the road, away from the men starting to spill from the pub after them.
“Run, just bloody run, Troy.”
After running flat out for at least ten minutes, they stopped at last, bent double and exhausted. “Fuckers… Should have let me… Ignorant cunts… my guitar. I left my guitar, Cal.”
Cal pulled him onwards, towards the flat. “I’ll buy you a new one. Don’t worry about it. Jesus Troy, we nearly got battered.”
But there was no calming him down. He raved all the way home, and then paced the flat, unable to stop. He had blood on his face, his T-shirt was ripped, but all Cal saw was Troy against the crowd on his own, knowing he was going to lose but fighting anyway. Beautiful, wild, savage, and fragile as forest mist.
Uneasy fragments of memory flickered like a failing light: Jay getting drunk in Cal’s house with others and Cal putting up with it— Jay shouting at Alice while Cal stood by— taking it, just taking it all— and suddenly, he knew what he had to do.
He caught Troy gently by the arms, and held him still. “Hey,” Cal said softly. “Steady. Let me see the damage.” He peered at the face cradled in his hands, at the eyes staring at him so seriously that he had to speak. “I want… I wanted to…” he whispered, as Troy gripped his shoulders back and lunged. Cal tried to hold back, aware of the bruises, but Troy seemed oblivious to his hurts as he plunged his tongue into Cal’s mouth, pushing his erection against Cal’s. Their bodies pressed together desperately, and there was no way of stopping this force.
Somehow, their clothes came off in a mad rush of arms, hands and laughing as they fell onto the bed, naked at last. “Cal? Cal, what are we doing?”
“Ssh. Don’t say a word. It’s just us. Not a word.”
Troy arched under Cal’s touch, moaning. He felt so perfect, firm, hard, limbs and huge dark nipples. It was the first time Cal had ever explored a man’s body, but why had he waited so long?
His hands ran up and down Troy’s ribs, watching Troy push towards him and roll his head back. So much skin to kiss. He was never allowed to kiss Jay, not like this. Sometimes Jay kissed him, hard and possessive, never shivery and arousing like this. But why was he thinking about that, when Troy was here on his bed naked, trying to push Cal’s hand to his leaking cock?
Troy’s cock… Cal had never been allowed to touch Jay’s, certainly never kissed and licked along its silky length like this, but now he could not get enough. He would never have enough. “Cal,” Troy gasped, panting. “You’re killing me. Fuck me, please.”
Cal leaned up on one elbow, slowly stroking Troy’s cock with the other hand, watching the hips pumping up towards him. “I don’t know how,” he whispered. “I’ve never done it.”
Troy rocked faster into his hand, closing his eyes and moaning. “I’ll show you. It’s a bit different to a woman, but the theory’s the same. Different hole, that’s all.”
The laugh bubbled out of Cal. “You sweet talker, you. I’ve never fucked a woman either.”
Troy stared at him shocked. “You’re a fucking virgin?” he moaned, as Cal cupped his balls gently and stroked, watching Troy spread his legs and squirm.
“I never said that either. I’ve been fucked, many times, I’ve just never done the fucking.”
Troy pushed him back, lay on top of him, lined up their cocks, and starting to rock. “No way. All this time I wanted you, but I thought you were straight.”
“Yeah,” Cal murmured, kneading Troy’s smooth cheeks and thighs. Troy was losing it, flushed all over his chest, his arms straining with every thrust. Cal ran a tentative finger along his crack, then gently rubbed over his hole.
Troy moaned and gasped. “Oh, I like that. Push it in, please, please.”
Cal nudged his finger in as Troy went wild, simultaneously fucking himself on Cal’s finger and grinding on his cock. They thrashed together wildly as Troy began to come, beautiful noises flooding from him, his face a grimace of pleasure. Cal let go, and pushed back, coming with a yell.
They lay together for ages, Troy snuggled into Cal’s shoulder. He reached for some wipes, before kissing Troy lightly. “I should have told you I was gay, sorry.”
Troy was watching him intently, granite grey eyes narrowed. “Mm. Why didn’t you? There’s a lot you should have told me, like how shit I was at singing.”
“You’re not shit at anything, don’t ever say that. You were the best fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my whole life. They were just drunk assholes looking for a fight.”
“Which I gave them,” Troy snorted, eyes shining and begging for another kiss. Cal couldn’t stop now, running his hands along his side and back. Troy closed his eyes, and purred like a cat. “Mmm, you can keep doing that. Tell me about this never fucking thing. Were you serious?”
Cal run his thumb over Troy’s cock, hard again. “Not now,” he whispered. “We’ve got better things to do than talk.”
****
Chapter Eleven
He was really not in the mood, but there was no stopping Mary. Cal and words were never good friends, especially bitter words like these. She wouldn’t let him break eye contact, and, as usual, went straight for his jugular vein. “Cal. You don’t want to talk about it because it’s hard. Of course it’s hard, but it’s doing you good, you’re doing so well. You look happier, you talk more, and you have a glint in your eye that’s got nothing to do with the snow.”
He blushed at that, and wondered with horror if she knew about him and Troy. “All right, all right. I’ll do it.” She smiled, a sneaky smile that told him she did indeed know.
The Wednesday Before It Happened…
He can’t get it out of his mind. He replays it with various sexual positions, torturing himself with images of Jay on his back being fucked by Tony, perhaps even moaning Tony’s name. Sometimes in these visions, he is Tony, running hands up Jay’s chest and making him desperate. Afterwards, he always holds Jay close.
He never had such thoughts before. He accepted the sex and never wondered if it could be better because it was all Jay gave him. Where have all these fantasies come from? He is hot, cold, aroused and nauseous. He can’t sit still and he can’t eat. He doesn’t know what he wants. He wants Jay. He wants to be held.
He runs eleven miles after work, but he could easily carry on until he drops. When he gets back to his house, Jay is there waiting for him. Jay greets him with unaccustomed warmth. “Cal, there you are, mate. How you doing?”
He doesn’t know how to answer, but when the words come out he sounds no different. “Yeah, I’m fine.” He realises that he never has to say much at all around Jay, because Jay talks and he listens.
Jay smiles, but that face holds no warmth. “So, this is what we’re gonna do. Have a shower, and then let’s head out for a bite to eat. I can’t remember the last time we went out, just us.”
He showers, changes into jeans and a shirt and dumbly follows Jay into the car, like so many times before.
Jay is attentive to him, asking him questions about the business and discussing Alice. He realises that this is the most they have talked in years, but he is still too numb to believe it or question. He can’t look Jay in the eye in case he sees the hurt, or maybe it’s the anger.
He is afraid.
Jay insists that he will drive for once, and Cal can have a drink; he insists on champagne. Cal drinks it alone, facing the man he loves with a glass full of empty bubbles and a hand that trembles slightly.
As they walk back to the car, Jay casually rests a possessive hand on Cal’s naked arm, making him start, and shiver. Jay talks about Anna and the kids, the new carpet, just everyday events.
He fucks him in the hallway, down on all fours on the wooden panelling they sanded together years ago. It is so hard not to struggle and choke, as the vice-like hands grip his throat, shutting off his air, as if to remind him he only lives by Jay’s say so.
Afterwards, Jay
dresses quickly and talks about the kids’ birthday parties, but in Cal’s head it is quiet and ringing at the same time. His throat burns from where Jay throttled him.
He stands there in his own hallway with cum soaking his underwear and feels nothing. But, as Jay prepares to leave, he cannot bear it. “Jay, wait.”
Jay stops and turns impatiently, scratching his head, one hand already on the door handle. In the years that follow, Cal will never know where it came from or even if it really happened.
“I love you.”
It sounds so cheap and stupid, the words echoing in his hallway, but Jay looks shocked and angry. His hand drops from the handle and he stares, icy and terrifying. “What the fuck’s this? Shut the fuck up with that and stop being so daft.” Then he shrugs, as if it is all over now, like swatting a fly. He scrutinises Cal, then says carefully, “Cal, find a girlfriend.”
Then he is gone, banging the door behind him.
There is a space in front of the door, just a square of carpet and sunshine, where he stands. The emptiness gradually fills and he sinks to the floor and cradles his head in his hands, knees drawn up. Small noises at last escape his years of silence, but there is no resolution to his anguish.
****
Mary was listening intently, her chin rested on her hand. She sighed, and said, “So you realised. You saw things that day about Jay that you never noticed, or acknowledged, before.”
He thought about this. “I.” Why was this so hard, nearly two years later? He tried again. “I knew. Of course I knew. He wasn’t always like that; he got worse over the years. I should have spoken, I should have stood up for myself. You can’t blame him for that.” She raises her eyebrows and looks down her nose at him.
“Jay was a very dangerous man. He was involved in all kinds of things and even though he kept you at the edge of his criminal activities, he made sure you knew enough to be afraid. He dangled you from a piece of string, Cal. You were afraid of upsetting him, and of losing him. Fear is a strong force. It couldn’t have been enough for you, though, sex in the hallway?”
He shook his head, no. “I don’t think I admitted it wasn’t enough though. It was like being caught in a web. And, I was busy…” he finished lamely, waiting for her eyebrows to shoot up, as indeed they did.
“What made you realise that there can be so much more between two people, that you deserve more?” she asked, and he inwardly cursed her insight. He looked directly at her, raised his own eyebrows, and they shared a smile. She knew why.
****
Soft, wet, tantalising. He spread his legs farther apart to give Troy better access, and heard himself grunting and groaning. Troy’s hands were on his cock and balls, his talented tongue gliding over his hole. Cal lost his mind with desire and just gave in to the raging fire that was his cock. “Cal, what about this, then?” Oh my God, right up there and he couldn’t help pushing back, trying to get the tongue farther up and his cock rubbing against Troy’s hand. He heard his own pants, and didn’t care.
Troy pulled back with a chuckle, and pushed him over. He smacked his lips and kissed Cal with gusto. “Let me ride you?” Troy asked, straddling him, and rubbing his nipples. Dear God, how did Troy know more about Cal’s body than he did himself?
The desire to fuck Troy was overwhelming, but something always held him back. But even without fucking, they had done far more than with Jay. Like how to laugh, for instance. He was grinning, losing all control as Troy rolled his nipples, mimicking Cal’s moans and breathy pants. Troy was the teacher, him the student, and somehow in a bed all the awkwardness vanished.
“Never spent the whole night with anyone before,” Troy murmured. “Walls, yes. I’ve done plenty of them.” He wriggled right next to Cal, and pulled them so they were both on their sides, Cal behind him. “Stick your dick in between my legs, it’s nice.” Cal did, and reached around to stroke Troy’s body, all the way from balls to nipples. Troy loved that, pushing his arse back at him, creating delicious friction on his cock.
Soon they were rocking together, their breaths mingling and Troy making whining, needy, noises that made Cal excited, and frantic. He kissed all down Troy’s neck, and held him close as they sought release.
The sex was a diversion that filled his head and confused him, stopping him from going through with his last task. Holding Troy down on the sofa and kissing him until he was breathless seemed to take up whole days; finding his socks that Troy hid in the fridge or his shoes that were dangling from the light consumed him with bubbles of what he supposed were happiness.
He didn’t understand the butterflies in his stomach before Troy turned up, or the fierce pressure in his chest when Troy was late back, or with Ashley. He didn’t know the names for any of it, just the ripping of his resolve, and the fear.
****
Chapter Twelve
They were curled up together, Troy’s head under his chin, all warm and cosy. The banging on the door exploded through the night, making them both jump. “Cal, what the fuck is that?” Troy clung to him, making all his protective instincts scream. He wrapped Troy in his arms, and kissed him briefly. “Door. Wait here, I’ll go.” He flung on jeans and strode to the door, unafraid. It was the police.
They took Troy to the waiting police car, wide-eyed and frightened, looking back at him.
The flat was still, empty. The bed was still warm where they had slept. Cal couldn’t face getting in it. He curled his hands into fists and didn’t know how to cope. He told himself over and over again it didn’t matter, Troy would be okay. There was nothing he could do. He was as powerless as all those times Jay had left him after fucking.
He sat there, cold and in the dark, for hours, feeling everything slip through his fingers again, sick that he had let this happen.
****
The flat door opened, waking him, and it was Troy. He was in Cal’s arms within seconds, hiding his face in his neck, gripping his shoulders. The relief that hit Cal was white fire and for a while, all he could do was stroke the hair and fight the tears.
Eventually, Cal managed to whisper, “You okay?”
Troy nodded, pulling back to face Cal. He looked white, and tired. “Yeah. Been charged. Curfewed here.”
Cal listened and heard none of it. “What happened?”
“CCTV, of Ashley breaking in a shop. I tried to stop him, Cal, but he wouldn’t. He made me stand on watch.”
“You should have run away, or called the police. So what happens now?” Cal asked, terrified of the answer.
Troy shrugged. “Have to wait. Do a presentence report, and go to court. I might go back to prison.”
“You’re going to have to tell Ashley to fuck off.”
Troy hung his head, and chewed his hair.
“Let’s make the most of our time until then, Troy. Come here, baby.”
Troy sobbed, crushing their faces together fiercely. “I missed you last night, Cal. I really missed you. I thought they might take me back to prison, and I’d never see you again.” He paused, to kiss again, and again, pulling at Cal’s hair and clothes until they were both naked.
Troy was wild, biting at Cal’s nipples, trying to push him flat on his back, but Cal fought back. They were both red, panting and sweaty, grunting and trying to get the upper hand. Eventually, Cal’s strength won over Troy’s ferocity, and he lay flat on top of him, holding his arms above his head, kissing him savagely. “Fuck me, just fuck me,” Troy begged. “Please, Cal.” Warmth and pressure grew, and Cal wanted to, more than anything.
“Condoms in the drawer. Don’t bother with lube.” But Cal knew too much about dry fucking, so he found the lube, and applied it to his fingers, watching Troy pull his legs back to expose his hole. “Do it,” Troy begged, looking utterly delicious, his hair wild and his lips red from biting.
Cal watched him intently, rimming his hole with a finger, then gently in. Troy started trying to push back at him. “Come on, Cal. Don’t wait, fuck me.”
Nerves hit Cal as he pu
t on the condom and couldn’t get it right. He’d never worn one. There was something wrong with the end. Troy peered up. “You got it on the wrong way. Here, let me.” He whipped another one out, rolling it on within seconds. Troy grinned, and kissed Cal. “See? I was youth champion, two years running. Fastest time.” Cal pushed him back, rocking them together. He forgot his fears.
The sensations and delicious ache in his cock made him push, and push. Troy was gripping his arms, urging him on, and pushing back up at him, oblivious to everything else. They worked together, kissing and thrusting, Troy moving about until he found the right spot. “That’s it. Oh, God.”
“You look so good,” Cal breathed, pushing Troy’s legs right back and pumping him fast. Troy gasped, grabbed his hair, and pulled, working his own cock frantically. It was the sight of this that finished Cal. He gripped Troy’s shoulders, and fucked him with everything he had. He was vaguely aware of Troy’s moans and shouts as he came, matching his own.
They collapsed in a heap, Cal lying on Troy, kissing his neck softly. Their breathing calmed down, and Troy stroked his hair. “I fucking missed you last night. I can’t bear being away from you. Was that really your first time?” Cal nodded, too sated to be embarrassed.
“I’ve never been anyone’s first time, or even fiftieth time. I wanted you to fuck me from the first time I saw you. Being around you made me horny as fuck.”
Cal smiled down at him, amazed, as they kissed.
****
They fucked again later that morning, Troy riding him, keen to show Cal his skills. “Sex is all I’m good at, Cal,” he said, as he made a show of throwing his head back, and posing, fucking himself on Cal rigorously.
“Not true,” Cal panted, running hands along Troy’s stomach and chest. “You can make a lovely lasagne now.”
“True,” Troy agreed, and they grinned at each other as they fucked.
Afterwards, they cooked together. Troy touched him constantly— a hand on his arm, his foot under the table, even sitting on his lap to feed him toast. It was too much to believe in. But always, at the back of Cal’s mind, something stopped him from being able to let go.