by Harper Bliss
Jane sipped from her drink. Should she take the liquid courage she was gathering and say something? Or was the hour too late? They were both tired. This also meant their defenses were down and a chat might be easier. Or the opposite. Jane had no idea how to deal with this situation. All she knew was that this could not remain unspoken between them for long. Because it wasn’t so much a question of her not noticing. In fact, that was not the main issue at all.
Her wife was having feelings for another woman. Something Jane understood and could not afford to be holier-than-thou about—yet this didn’t mean she wasn’t deeply unsettled by it.
“You’ve never been anything but kind to me.” Jane drank again. “When you encouraged me to keep on writing twenty years ago. Earlier this week when I told you I threw my manuscript in the trash. Every time my head is filled with self-doubt.” She paused. “Seven years ago, when you had every reason not to be kind and understanding.” The last example just came out of her mouth without Jane scrutinizing the words before she spoke them. Maybe her subconscious was eager to get this out in the open and had decided to bring up Jane’s own mistakes in order to do so.
“Christ, babe. Why are you bringing that up now? Did you think Beth Walsh was going to turn up again tonight?”
Jane shook her head. “I’m pretty certain Beth is never going to show her face here again.”
“Good.” Annie knocked back her drink and put her glass down on the table, taking a little distance from Jane.
“We can talk about it if you want,” Jane said.
“About what? Beth Walsh? It’s a little late in the day to start rehashing that.”
“I don’t mean Beth.” Jane’s heart beat in her throat. “I mean how you feel about Kristin.”
“What?” Annie didn’t look at Jane, but the guilty note in her voice was unmistakable.
“Come on, Annie. I’m not blind. And not stupid either.”
Annie rubbed her palms on her jeans. She still wasn’t able to face Jane, confirming Jane’s suspicions. If, by any chance, Jane had been barking up the wrong tree, they’d both be laughing away her question by now. The worst that could happen next was Annie trying to deny how she felt about Kristin.
“It’s really nothing.” Annie’s voice had shot up. “You know what it can be like sometimes. It doesn’t have to mean anything.”
“It clearly means something to you.” Jane needed the next sip of her drink.
Annie sighed and, finally, turned to her. “I’m sorry. I don’t really know what to say. All I can say is that it will pass. I’m practically over it.”
“That’s not what it looked like when I saw you talking to her.”
Annie stared at her hands and shook her head. “I can tell you this, though. Whatever I feel for Kristin has nothing on what you felt for Beth. Moreover, there is nothing going on between us. Nothing at all. It’s just a silly thing going on in my head.”
Jane sat up a bit straighter. “It’s because of what happened with Beth that I know how to be understanding about this.” She tried to keep her voice calm, even though it was getting harder by the second. She wanted to shake Annie—as if feelings like that could just be shaken off—and tell her enough already. But emotions didn’t work that way. She knew she had to tread carefully.
“I don’t feel comfortable talking about this with you. You’re my wife. You’re not supposed to have to deal with this.”
Jane huffed out some air. “Of course I have to deal with it. Because I am your wife. Who else is going to deal with it? Don’t tell me you were going to declare your love to Kristin and have her deal with it.” Oh shit. Jane wished she could swallow that last sentence.
“No, of course not. I just didn’t want to burden you with this.”
“How very nice of you.” Jane’s jealousy was choking her ability to understand what Annie was going through. Because realizing that the person you loved more than anyone in the world was falling in love with someone else wasn’t the most pleasant experience. It rocked the very foundation their life was built on. So many marriages went bust every single day because of this reason. Because of something that started with a silly infatuation. “Is it mutual?” She had to know.
Annie shook her head.
Jane believed her. She’d had to make certain that Kristin rushing away from them after Jane had approached wasn’t because Kristin had been feeling guilty.
“Have you talked to anyone about it?” Jane was suddenly flooded with compassion for her wife again, who sat there with her head in her hands, unable to meet Jane’s gaze. The fact that Annie couldn’t look her in the eye broke her heart most of all.
“I told Rita.” She heaved a sigh. “And Caitlin James apparently sussed it out.”
“Caitlin James?”
“She told me off, actually. So did Rita.” Annie tried to look at Jane, but quickly averted her gaze again. “I know it’s foolish. But I promise you, babe, this won’t harm us in any way. Especially now that you know. That should be enough to snap me out of it. Because I feel so incredibly stupid. Believe me, this whole thing hasn’t brought me much joy.”
“It’s just a crush,” Jane said.
Annie nodded. “Nothing more. I promise you.”
“Unfortunately, it’s a little hard to break contact.”
Annie stared at the wall behind Jane’s head. “Thank you for being so understanding.”
“How can I not be? After all, you extended me the same… er, courtesy.”
“When I saw you talking to Beth a few weeks ago…” The rest of the words didn’t make it past Annie’s lips, but Jane understood. She understood all too well.
“Do we need some sort of plan to fix this?” It sounded a little ridiculous, but when things had come to a head after Jane’s indiscretion with Beth, a plan was what had saved them. Although emotionally very difficult, the practicalities of the plan had been very simple: break all contact. This wasn’t an option now. “Should we go away for a while? I’m not writing at the moment, anyway. Maybe the timing is just right. And we could do with a break. We can go back to New Zealand.”
“Back to Wellington?”
“Yes, maybe that’s exactly what we need right now.”
“Only…” Annie wrung her hands together.
“Yes?”
“As enticing as running away sounds, the problem will still be here when we get back.”
“Maybe it won’t. Maybe going away will put things in perspective. Especially if we return to where we got married.”
“It just feels too soon to leave the shop.”
Why was Annie so reluctant about this? “Or maybe you just can’t bear the thought of not seeing Kristin for more than a few days.”
“I know I deserved that.” Annie did look her in the eye now. “But I think it would be a mistake to close the shop right now. Which means we’d need to hire someone on short notice. I’d need to train them. It just doesn’t feel right at this time.”
“I don’t see why not. Mia is training Taylor and she will be responsible for the Pink Bean soon. Why can’t we do the same? Selling books is hardly rocket science. In fact, we could just ask the Pink Bean people to keep an eye on our bit of the shop.”
“You make it sound as though all I do in that shop is sit on a chair and sell the occasional book.”
“And you make it sound as though you really don’t want to go on vacation with me.”
“I agree we need a plan. Or I need a plan to get past this. But going away is not the solution. I need to deal with this head on. Perhaps, right now, it’s too much to ask of you to trust me that I can do this, but I swear to you that I can.”
“I do trust you.” Jane was surprised by how easy it was to say the words even though her trust in her wife had just taken a severe blow.
“I’ll talk to her.” Annie was looking away again. “I’ll tell her how I feel and ask her to stay away for a while.”
“No,” Jane was quick to say. “Don’t tell her.”
“Why not?”
Was Annie really so naive? Or was she out to get humiliated and certain it would be the case? Either way, it wasn’t a risk Jane was willing to take. “Because what if you tell her and it is mutual?”
“What? No.” Annie squared her shoulders. “Even if it was, which I’m sure it’s not, it wouldn’t matter. Because I will always choose you. I think I’ve proved that before.”
“I need to sleep on it, not that I expect to get much sleep tonight.” Jane held her hand in front of her mouth as she suppressed a yawn.
“We’ll decide what to do about this tomorrow. Together.” Annie rose and held out her hand. “Shall we go to bed?”
“I think I’ll sleep here tonight. I’ll only keep you awake with my tossing and turning and you have to get up early to open the shop.”
Annie nodded, indicating, Jane hoped, she understood why Jane didn’t much feel like relieving her from her morning duties any longer. “I should be the one to sleep in the couch.”
“It’s fine. Just try to get some sleep.” Jane didn’t get up to kiss her wife goodnight. Instead, she looked away and, for the first time since the truth had hit her, let the pure anguish of what was going on in their marriage roll over her.
Chapter Nineteen
Annie had hardly slept. She had heard Jane toss and turn in the living room throughout the night. When she did doze off, unavoidably and in the small hours of the morning, it was just before her alarm clock started blaring. She blinked herself awake and let the events of the previous night rush back to her. The first thing that popped into her head was her chat with Kristin, followed by Jane’s approach. The nightcap Jane poured them, and the inevitability of the conversation that followed.
She couldn’t believe how calm Jane had been about the whole thing. How understanding and rational.
She swung her legs over the edge of the bed and rubbed the sleep from her eyes. Today would not be easy. She hoped Jane had gotten some sleep because lack of it could leave her rather cranky. She tip-toed into the living room and witnessed Jane snoozing. Just like Annie, she must have fallen asleep out of sheer exhaustion. Annie examined her sleeping wife a little while longer, how she lay there so peacefully and obliviously. If it weren’t for the fact she was sleeping in the couch, for that brief moment that Annie watched her, everything could still be right in their world.
But Annie knew better. Things wouldn’t be entirely right between them for a while. She also knew that the passage of time would do its job. As her feelings for Kristin would be erased, the bond between her and Jane would grow stronger once again. She hoped.
Annie tried to be as quiet as possible as she got ready to open up the shop. She sneaked one last glance at Jane before heading down the stairs.
Just as Annie turned the key in the lock, Kristin walked up to the shop. Annie’s heart skipped a beat.
“Morning,” Kristin said chirpily. “Have you recovered from last night?”
“Hardly.” She opened the door wide so Kristin could come in. As soon as there were any signs of Jane being awake, she would need to go upstairs and tell her Kristin was here. Already, having her feelings out in the open was having an effect. Annie’s first thought at seeing Kristin wasn’t gleeful anticipation of the conversations they could have, or joy at just having been offered a few minutes to bask in her elegant presence. Her first thought was Jane.
“Neither have I, but Mia couldn’t fulfill her usual Saturday duties. She and Lou are apartment hunting today.”
“How lovely.” Why had Mia not mentioned this to Annie? Or maybe she had and Annie had forgotten it because when she’d been told she’d still been on a high from chatting to Kristin.
“It’s wonderful for them, but it made me realize I need to hire more baristas pronto. Sheryl is going to fish in her pool of students first thing on Monday.” Kristin made her way behind the coffee counter. “How is Taylor working out from your point of view?”
“Great. No complaints.”
“That’s good. Now that this place is up and running, it’s time to add to the work force. Not that I mind spending my Saturday alongside you, of course.” Kristin grinned.
Instantly, Annie’s cheeks flushed. Was Kristin flirting with her? Did she really have no clue about Annie’s feelings? Or was she mocking her? This was going to be an excruciating day on many levels. The lack of sleep was already starting to catch up with her, because she had no witty repartee at the ready to respond to Kristin. Only a sheepish smile that made her feel even more silly.
“I need to run upstairs for a second. I’ll be right back.” It was like sitting on a ticking time bomb. Annie couldn’t stop imagining Jane wandering down the stairs and seeing her and Kristin in the shop together. Even though there was a perfectly rational explanation for it and Kristin had every right to be in her own coffee shop, the visuals wouldn’t look right. And Jane must be spared the image at all costs.
When she arrived upstairs, Jane was still sleeping. Annie didn’t want to wake her, but she convinced herself Jane would want to be woken up for this.
“Babe.” She wasn’t sure how Jane would react if she kissed her awake, so Annie just shook her shoulder gently. “Wake up.”
Jane opened her eyes slowly.
Annie left her hand on Jane’s shoulder, welcoming the warm comfort of her wife’s skin on hers.
“What’s going on?” Jane asked.
“I had no idea, but Kristin is running the Pink Bean today. Mia has the day off.”
“Oh.” Jane sat up a bit straighter, shaking Annie’s hand off.
“I just thought you’d like to know.”
“Hm.”
“I need to get back downstairs. Did you get some sleep?”
“A little. You?”
“Same.” Annie couldn’t resist putting a hand back on Jane’s shoulder. She needed the contact as though it could articulate something she couldn’t say in words. She gave Jane’s shoulder a squeeze. “I have to go.”
“Okay.” Jane just lay there.
Annie remained standing there for a few moments longer, the silence between them growing heavier. The last words about this whole ordeal had obviously not yet been spoken.
But Annie had a job to get on with. Today she’d be doing it alongside the object of her affection. Saturday was usually the book shop’s busiest day and she hoped the customers would keep her occupied enough not to notice Kristin working, with her precise, economical, elegant movements, on the other side of the shop.
“How about a cup of coffee?” Kristin approached Annie. “You’ve been run off your feet all morning.”
“So have you.” Annie’s muscles stiffened. She hoped Jane wouldn’t choose this exact time to come downstairs. She’d been dreading the moment when her wife would pop into the shop, walk up to Kristin, and ask for a cappuccino. She was afraid of the kind of thoughts Jane might have had during the night—afraid she might have turned against her. Annie knew what this kind of information could do to a person. She’d been there. And when Jane had been in the clutches of infatuation with Beth, Annie had certainly considered turning her back on the whole thing—Jane included—and walking out.
“All the more reason to put our feet up for five minutes,” Kristin said. “Do you have time to sit with me for a few?”
“Sure.” Annie tried to sound calm, as if nothing had changed, yet she had to scrutinize every word she uttered. Did she acquiesce so easily because she was being polite? Or because she really wanted to sit across from Kristin and luxuriate in the sensation of it? She was too tired for all this turmoil in her head. She’d barely slept. A cup of coffee was exactly what she needed.
Annie followed Kristin and sat down. She tried not to steal a few furtive glances at Kristin while she was busy brewing their coffees, and wondered how on earth this was going to work. Telling Jane she was “practically over it” had been a lie. As she sat there, her brazenly foolish mind was audacious enough to focus on what Jane had said a
bout the possibility of Annie’s feelings being mutual.
Annie shook the thought off as soon as Kristin presented her with a cup of coffee.
“That was quite a night,” Kristin said. “Imagine what it’ll be like when Caitlin and Josephine’s book comes out.”
“For the first time in Annie’s Book Shop’s history, we might have people lining up outside.” Annie smiled at the prospect, while keeping a keen eye on the door to their private stairway in case Jane walked in. Now that she wasn’t writing, she spent more time in the shop. Annie sipped from her coffee and hoped everything could go back to normal soon and she wouldn’t have to feel so guilty and strangely—inappropriately—elated at the same time.
They sat in silence for a while. A silence Annie enjoyed and that reminded her of the time before the Pink Bean had entered her life. Now that she shared the space, the book shop was never really quiet anymore. There was always someone else shuffling about, always the hum of the coffee machine or the hiss of milk being steamed in the background. Annie felt like closing her eyes and pretending, just for a moment, that it was only her in the shop. No Kristin. No Mia. Jane writing contentedly upstairs—always a comforting thought.
But times had changed and here she sat. Everything but alone. She tried to remember when she’d first allowed herself to realize that her feelings for Kristin were so intense, but it was hard to pinpoint one moment. It had been a gradual process of accumulated smiles—even though Kristin wasn’t one to smile easily—and just being near her and her soft voice and stern glance.
Annie’s thoughts were brusquely interrupted when Jane appeared at the door into the shop. She stood there for a few seconds, cast her glance over the scene and, without saying a word, turned on her heel and let the door bang shut behind her.
“Please excuse me for a minute.” Annie shot up and followed Jane, who was putting on her coat in the hallway. She zipped it up with a wild pull of her hand.
“Don’t you dare try to talk to me right now,” Jane said. “I’m going out. I don’t know when I’ll be back. I need to clear my head.”