by Lynn Austin
“When Jean told me she was pregnant,” he continued, “I asked Tom and Bob what I should do. They advised me to do the right thing. The honorable thing. But I felt like I messed up my life pretty badly and probably Jean’s life, too. She should be out having a good time with her friends instead of being tied down with a baby. Sometimes I wonder if she feels as trapped as I do.”
“Would she tell you if she did?”
He slowly shook his head. “No, probably not. And I would never hurt her feelings by telling her what I just told you. We’ve made our bed, as they say, and now we have to sleep in it.”
“Listen to us,” Eve said, summoning a smile. “Let’s not talk about dreary things anymore. Do you Americans ever hold dances around here? Maybe we could go to one. You’re a terrific dancer.”
“They post notices about dances at the base all the time, but Robert never wants to go, and I didn’t have a charming partner like you to go with.”
“Let’s go tonight. Want to?”
“There’s nothing I’d like better.”
“Super!” she said, springing to her feet. “You find out where the dance is, and I’ll meet you in Wellingford’s foyer, ready to go.”
Louis stood as well. “Are you going there now? I’ll walk back with you.”
“No, there are a few people here in town I’d like to visit first.”
“Swing by here and get me when you’re ready to go. In the meantime, I’d better defend my championship title at the dartboard.”
19
LONDON, NOVEMBER 1943
Eve’s envy stirred when she saw two letters for Audrey on the hotel’s front desk and none for her. She trudged up the stairs to their room, leaving Audrey behind to open them. After a long night with numerous ambulance runs, Eve longed to take a hot bath and collapse in bed. Their accommodations in this aging guesthouse had a marvelous bath. Too bad the tub had a red line painted around the inside to remind her that she was allowed only five inches of water. How could anyone enjoy a satisfying bath in five inches of water? Eve followed the rule, nonetheless, and when she returned to her room, wrapped in a towel, she found Audrey sitting in bed, still reading her letters. Either they were very long letters, or she was reading them more than once. The smile Audrey wore was so rare and so lovely that Eve wished she could take a photograph.
“Are both letters from Robert?” Eve asked.
“Yes.” Audrey didn’t look up.
“And didn’t he send two letters last week, too?”
“Uh-huh.” Audrey laid the letters down with a sigh and stood to rummage through her dresser drawer for stationery and a pen. “Do you mind if I keep the light on for a while?” she asked. “I want to answer Robert before I go to sleep.”
“That’s fine,” Eve said, brushing her hair. “Maybe I’ll write to Alfie.” But Eve sat with the blank page in front of her, unable to think of anything new to say. Meanwhile, Audrey filled page after page, smiling to herself. Her bliss was striking. Was she falling in love with Robert Barrett? They’d spent a great deal of time together during Audrey’s furlough at Wellingford. Eve had gone dancing with Louis both nights and didn’t know how Audrey and Robert spent their time, but in the months since then, they’d written letters to each other regularly. Lots of letters. If Audrey was falling in love, Eve would do everything she could to make her friend’s romance end happily.
“Audrey . . . ?” Eve waited for her to look up. “I checked the board today and there’s an ATS post near Wellingford that needs drivers.” Audrey stared at her, a million miles away. “We should take it. You could go home whenever you have time off.”
“Would we go together?”
“Absolutely. I had fun dancing with Louis.” And for just a little while, Eve had been able to stop worrying about Alfie being in danger and about her uncertain future with him. She could dance with Louis and have fun and forget the war. Louis didn’t ruin each evening by drinking too much. He was always a perfect gentleman, always faithful to his wife and daughter. “You could see Robert more often,” Eve added, testing her reaction. Audrey smiled. Her face shone brighter than the bedside lamp. Oh yes. Audrey might not realize it yet, but she was falling in love with Robert Barrett.
The pair continued writing to each other in spite of the busyness of the war and the move that Eve and Audrey made to the new post. After settling in and finally earning a two-day leave, they went to Wellingford. Both Robert and Louis arranged a day off and the four of them decided to take the train to London. “We’ll give you a guided tour of all the sights,” Audrey promised. She and Robert had their heads together the entire journey, planning what they would see and do. Eve watched them closely, her certainty growing. They cared deeply for each other.
Everyone claimed to have a grand time, but for Eve, the visit to London felt bittersweet. She remembered her first trip to London and seeing the Unknown Warrior’s tomb with Audrey. And like that visit, which had changed from excitement and anticipation to overwhelming sadness, this journey began to change for Eve, too. The sorrow she felt wasn’t only for her daddy and for her mum, who had died here in London, but also for the city itself, so ravaged by war. Eve hadn’t taken three steps from the train station before seeing signs of destruction from Nazi bombs and incendiaries. Craters and rubble and broken, boarded windows. Antiaircraft guns and barrage balloons. Piles of sandbags. Shattered glass. The grand department stores all suffered from the bombing and from lack of merchandise. Nearly every landmark they visited had sustained damage, from St. Paul’s Cathedral to Buckingham Palace, from the Guildhall to the Chamber of the House of Commons. Bombs had even damaged Eve’s beloved Westminster Abbey. And everywhere—on the streets, crowded onto buses, in the tea shops, and seated at lunch counters—were American soldiers and American MPs in their white helmets and gaiters, trying to keep the GIs in line. This wasn’t the London Eve knew. She felt like a stranger here, and she longed to go home. But where was home?
In spite of the cold, wintry day, Audrey decided they should walk through St. James’s Park to Buckingham Palace. As Eve strolled along the edge of the icy pond, the others laughed at something funny Louis said, their breath visible in the cold. But Eve felt tears stinging her eyes. When they reached the plaza in front of the palace where the Queen Victoria Memorial used to be, she left the others and walked toward nearby Green Park, trying to decide what the odd white lumps in the once-lovely park were. Approaching on one of the paths, Eve realized they were sheep. Sheep! In London! Grazing untended on the wintry-brown grass. She didn’t understand. Where was the shepherd? Had he abandoned his sheep in this perilous, stricken city? She longed to shout her question out loud—“Where is the Good Shepherd in all of this suffering and loss?” She felt as abandoned as these sheep, deserted by Him. Eve turned away, wiping her tears. She shoved her hands deep into her pockets as she rejoined the others, determined not to let them see her pain and confusion.
The train compartments were all crowded on the journey home, mostly with American soldiers. Unable to find four seats together, they split into two pairs. Audrey and Robert sat together, deep in conversation. Eve leaned against Louis’s shoulder and closed her eyes, tired from walking and still upset by all the destruction. And by the sheep.
“Look at the two of them,” Louis murmured after a while. “They look like two lovebirds, don’t they?”
Eve opened her eyes. She sat up. Audrey and Robert bent close, their faces radiant even in the darkened railcar.
“You’re right. They do!” Eve’s sadness had driven away all thoughts of Audrey falling in love, but here was proof, right in front of her. And it also was obvious that Robert was in love with Audrey. “Louis, tell me about Robert’s girlfriend back home.”
“Linda? She and Robert have been together forever. I can’t remember a time when they weren’t.”
“Are they happy? Do they seem well suited for each other?”
“Well . . . Jean and I are good friends with Bob and Linda, you know? I�
��d hate to talk about them behind their backs . . .”
“Louis, look at Audrey and Robert. They’re glowing! Did he and Linda ever look like that?”
Louis gaped at them. “Um . . . not that I can remember. To tell you the truth, they never seemed well matched to me. Linda is moody. She can be happy and full of fun one day, flying high as a kite, then she crash-lands and lies in bed for days on end and won’t go anywhere. Bob was always trying to figure out what he did wrong and how to make it up to her. Because when Linda gets mad—watch out! I never told Bob, but in a way, I would hate to see him stuck with her for the rest of his life.”
“But he loves Linda, doesn’t he?”
Louis was thoughtful for a moment. “I never heard him say it in so many words. But he’s a gentleman and much too nice to tell her to get lost. I know that both sets of parents hope they’ll get married someday.”
“But look at him now, Louis. I’ve known Audrey for a long time, and I’ve never seen her this happy. She’s always been so serious. But she beams like a searchlight when she gets a letter from Robert. Did you know they’ve been writing to each other?”
“I’ve seen him writing letters but I figured they were to Linda.”
Eve shook her head. “Audrey gets at least two letters a week from him. And she actually smiles as she writes back to him.”
“They sure look happy now.”
“Yes, Louis, my friend. They do.” And Eve decided to do something to nudge Audrey along the path of love. The train pulled into the station and they all linked arms to keep from stumbling in the dark as they walked up the road to Wellingford Hall. Inside the foyer, Robert took both of Audrey’s hands as they parted and kissed her cheek. She closed her eyes as if savoring rich, sweet chocolate. “Did you see that?” Eve whispered to Louis.
“Wow! I guess I’ve had my head in the sand. I’d better have a talk with Bob.”
“Wait.” Eve grabbed Louis’s arm to stop him. “Whose side are you going to be on when you have this talk—Audrey’s or Linda’s?”
“I’m on Bob’s side,” he said with a mischievous grin. He paused, leaving Eve in suspense. “Which means I’m rooting for Audrey.”
“Me, too.”
They all said good night and goodbye, knowing they wouldn’t see each other again before Audrey and Eve returned to their base in the morning. Eve trailed Audrey up the main staircase to her room, then followed her inside instead of continuing up to the third floor. “We need to talk,” she said, closing the door. Eve had been inside Audrey’s stately room before, but tonight she felt uncomfortable for some reason, as if the room didn’t belong to either of them and they were intruders.
“Talk about what?” Audrey still wore a dreamy, satisfied expression on her face from Robert’s kiss, like a cat that had just awakened from a long nap.
“Sit down,” Eve ordered, gesturing to the bed. Audrey obeyed, perched on the edge, her spine straight. Eve crawled onto the bed and sat cross-legged, facing her. She drew a deep breath and said, “You’re falling in love with Robert, aren’t you?”
“What? No . . . I . . .” Audrey’s pink cheeks gave her away. “We all agreed that the four of us would be friends, didn’t we?”
“Louis and I agreed because I’m in love with Alfie and he’s married to Jean. But Robert has a girlfriend, not a wife. The two of you are both free to fall in love with each other. And I think you have.”
“You’re wrong about Robert. We’re just friends.”
Eve decided to try a different approach. “What were you talking about on the way home tonight?”
Audrey brightened as if an electric light had switched on inside her. “All sorts of things. Robert talks to me the same way you and I talk, not in an artificial way like all the other men I’ve known. Tonight, we discussed our favorite poets—Elizabeth and Robert Browning in particular. Robert has some of his favorite lines memorized and he recited them.”
Eve laughed out loud. “Come on! Can’t you see it, Audrey? You two are in love.”
“I . . . I don’t think so. . . . Robert has a girlfriend—”
“How does it make you feel when you imagine him going off to war? When you think about him being in danger? Or being killed?”
“Eve, that’s horrible! Don’t talk that way!”
“How do you feel about him going back to the United States and marrying his girlfriend and never seeing you again? He won’t be able to write any more letters, you know. How will it be to live the rest of your life without him? Are you willing to say goodbye to Robert forever and settle for one of the men you used to date before the war? Or maybe you’ll become an old maid like your governess—what was her name?”
“Miss Blake. Why are you saying these horrid things?”
“Because you’re in love with Robert and he’s in love with you, and if you’re smart, you’ll melt that wall of ice that has separated you from people all your life and give him your heart! Fall in love, Audrey. Enjoy the wonder of it. It’s like nothing you’ve ever experienced in your life, isn’t it?”
Audrey seemed deep in thought for a moment. Her face glowed. “Even if you’re right and what I feel for Robert is love, I wouldn’t know what to do about it. I’ve never received anyone’s affections before or given away my own. I’ve never learned how one goes about it.”
“Oh, Audrey . . .” Eve longed to embrace her, but Audrey sat so stiffly Eve feared she might break. “There’s no right or wrong way to love someone. Just do what comes naturally. Let go of your reserve and give away your heart. Don’t keep it all locked up inside and protected.”
“I’ve had to. It’s the only way I can keep from getting hurt. I envy you, Eve. I always have. Everywhere you go people love you. I’m afraid to love as spontaneously as you do.”
“You need to let go of your fear and take a chance while you still can. Robert may be going into combat soon. We both know the invasion is coming with the promised ‘second front.’ We know why they’ve been massing troops and piles of equipment. None of us knows what tomorrow may bring. We could all be dead and forgotten. In the meantime, why not take a chance on love?”
“Where . . . how does one begin?”
“Tell Robert how you feel. Tell him that your friendship has become something more to you. Tell him you want to be with him every single moment you possibly can.”
Audrey looked down at her lap. “I could never do that. It’s not the way I was raised. One doesn’t boldly speak one’s mind that way.”
“Look around you, Audrey. Look what’s become of your beautiful home. And remember what London looked like today? Does anything you see resemble the way you were raised? Did you ever think you would wear an ugly uniform and drive an ambulance and eat in a mess hall and shower with a dozen other women? The war has erased the rules and traditions we grew up with. England is never going to be the same again. And neither are we.”
“You’re right, you’re right. . . . I know I’ve changed. . . . But what if Robert doesn’t feel the same way about me?”
Eve rolled her eyes. “He does, believe me! Haven’t you noticed the way he looks at you? Doesn’t it make your insides melt?” Audrey looked away, blushing. “And why do you think he writes so many letters? I don’t write to Alfie as often as you write to Robert, and Alfie is thousands of miles away, not forty.”
“But . . . what if he doesn’t love me?” she asked in a tiny voice.
Eve huffed in frustration. She was trying to be patient, but she didn’t want her friend to miss her chance at true love because of fear. “Even if he does reject you, you’ll be no worse off than you are now. You can still remain friends. But if I’m right, and he is in love with you, then you’ll never be sorry that you took a chance.”
“What about his girlfriend, Linda?”
“It’s up to Robert to worry about her. She has nothing to do with you loving him.”
The peaceful look on Audrey’s face had vanished, replaced by a furrowed brow and pinched lips. �
�Did you tell Alfie how much you love him?” she asked. Audrey was stalling, but Eve indulged her.
“I told him that I love him, yes. And he claims he loves me. But he also admitted that he loves your father’s money more.”
“That can’t be true. He looks so happy when he’s with you.”
“Alfie hides behind the same wall of ice that you do. He’s just better at masking it with a show of affection. He’s as scared and unfamiliar with relationships as you are. Where would he have learned to be a good husband? Or to have a loving marriage? Not from your parents. Alfie doesn’t know how to love any more than you do.”
“Yet you love him and hope to marry him?”
“I love him, yes. But he isn’t going to marry me and risk his inheritance. At least he was honest enough to admit it. The war is changing all of us, so for now, I’m hoping our darling Alfie will come home a different man, with different values. I hope he’ll see that love is the most important thing in the world. And right now, I’m trying to get you to see the same thing. Hasn’t this war changed you, Audrey?”
“When I look in the mirror, I hardly recognize myself. I’ve learned to do things I never imagined I would be brave enough or strong enough to do.”
“Then tell me this—do you want to live your life after the war according to your mother’s rules? Do you want to be a socialite, marry a rich man you don’t love? Let the servants do everything for you, including raising your children?”
“I don’t. No.”
“Then take a chance, Audrey. Melt the wall of ice and tell Robert you love him. I guarantee you’ll never regret it.”
“But what if—?”
“Don’t even think about all the what-ifs. Because even if things don’t turn out for Alfie and me after the war, I will never regret loving him.”