by Katie Sise
“Tell me what you’ve done,” Haley said, her voice a whisper.
Dean nodded. “I’ll tell you everything, I promise, and I should have told you before, and the only reason I didn’t was because I was terrified I would lose you, which I realize is what everyone who’s ever told a lie has probably said.”
Haley braced for the news of an affair, for the details of how and why he’d fallen for Josie, for whatever they’d done together. But when Dean opened his mouth, he said, “I was with your sister on the night she disappeared.”
Haley’s entire body went cold. “No,” she said, shaking her head. “You weren’t. You said you weren’t at the party.”
“I lied,” Dean said, his skin paling. “I lied back then because I was a stupid, selfish idiot, and I didn’t want to be in trouble for having been alone with her.”
“Why?” Haley shrieked at him, her voice echoing through the interview room. “Why would you ever lie about her?”
“It was so stupid,” Dean said. “And there’s nothing I can say to you that will ever make it okay, and I obviously didn’t hurt her, but I was alone with her that night, and I just didn’t want anything to do with whatever tragic thing had happened to her, and I rationalized not going to the cops because I hadn’t done anything wrong, and I didn’t know anything that could help, either.”
Haley put her head in her hands. The number of people who had kept things from the police, all in the name of believing they were innocent, or didn’t want to get in trouble for something they didn’t do . . .
“But then why did you lie to me all these years?” Haley asked.
“I lied to you when I met you because that night I came to find you at the bar I honestly just thought I’d see you once.”
“What do you mean you came to find me?” Haley asked, her hands shaking. “You said you were there by chance, that your friend suggested the place.”
“I lied about that, too, Haley. I’m so sorry. I swear those are the only two things I’ve ever lied to you about in our entire relationship, and I swear I will spend the rest of my life regretting it.”
“I don’t even understand what you’re talking about,” Haley said, her voice edging toward hysteria.
“I just wanted to check on you,” Dean said, sweat beading his hairline. “Your sister’s disappearance had always haunted me, and one of my buddies told me he’d run into Emma McCullough’s little sister bartending on the Lower East Side, and I needed to see you for myself. I needed to see that you were okay, somehow. I never expected that we’d start dating, or that I’d fall in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you.”
Haley’s mind reeled. “You came to check on the sister of the girl you were alone with on the night she disappeared, a fact you hid from the police.” The words were so morbid she could barely get them out. “Really, Dean? That’s the real truth of how our life together started? That’s so lovely, perhaps we should put that story on our save-the-date cards.”
“I’m so sorry, Haley, I—”
“I’m going to be sick.”
He reached across the table to take Haley’s hand, but she withdrew it so fast he flinched. “Why were you alone with Emma?” she blurted, her voice like stones hurled across the room.
“Because I had a crush on Josie,” Dean said, straightening.
“A crush?” Haley asked, barely able to believe her grown fiancé was using that word.
“Yes, a crush. Nothing more. I was in college, and I was still an idiot.”
“You’ve already made that clear. Why were you with Emma, alone, Dean?”
“Because Josie had broken things off that day, but sort of in a weird way, like she didn’t want to end it but didn’t want to see me as much,” he said, his words coming faster, seeming ruffled just like he always was when he needed her to understand something. “And she blamed it on Emma having drinking and drug problems. It sounded like a lie, and I wanted to talk to Emma and figure out if Josie was just trying to get rid of me.”
“My sister didn’t do drugs,” Haley said. “The police thought maybe she was high that night because everyone else was, but I don’t think so.”
“I don’t think so, either,” Dean said, his voice softer, like maybe they’d found common ground.
Haley let out a cruel laugh. “So now you’re an expert on my sister, after all these years of acting like you didn’t know her. That’s ironic.”
Color came to Dean’s cheeks. “I’m so sorry, Haley. Please know how sorry I am. Can’t you forgive me for this? I was young and dumb, and I should have gone to the police and given a statement. I kept waiting for someone to pound on my door and take me to the precinct, but they never did. I guess no one saw us go off together, or maybe they were all so wasted they didn’t remember.”
“Lucky you,” Haley said, furious tears on her face now. She tried to stand, to leave this place and never come back, but she felt frozen and unable to make her body cooperate.
“Haley, I swear to you I had nothing helpful to tell the police,” Dean said. “I left that party the second I was done talking to her. I wasn’t even there when she got hurt. She was completely fine when I left her sitting there by the cliff.”
“Sitting by the cliff,” Haley repeated. “Where she might have fallen from, or more likely, where she might have gotten pushed from. You didn’t bother telling the police what time you left my sister sitting by the cliff? Didn’t you think that could have helped them figure out something—anything?”
“But back then everyone thought she jumped on purpose, and that’s part of why I didn’t think there was a reason to go to the police. If she’d hurt herself—”
“But what about all these years after, when you said you believed me that she’d been killed? Were you just lying?”
“No, I do believe you!” Dean said.
“Then why didn’t you ever go to the police?” Haley demanded. “How could you have lied to me about her? Don’t you understand, I loved her so much more than I love you!”
Dean’s eyes went wide, blinking at her. Haley burst into tears at the truth of what she’d said. Dean stood slowly and pulled her up, to his chest. “I’m so sorry,” he said. “What I did was wrong.” She sobbed as he apologized over and over, stroked her hair, and held her tight. They stood there like that for ages, with Dean supporting nearly all her weight, until finally he lowered them both into one chair. He held her tucked in his lap, kissing her forehead. “I will spend my entire life making this up to you,” Dean said softly.
“You won’t be able to make this up to me,” Haley said, wiping angry tears from her cheeks. “You shouldn’t even try.”
“I swear to you, with every bone in my body, I didn’t think I could help your sister by going to the police, or I would have. And I should have told you a million times over, but I always chickened out. It ate at me all the time. It’s part of the reason I agreed so quickly when you wanted to get out of the city. I just wanted to get some privacy and stop feeling like I was being watched all the time.”
“And did it work?” she asked, knowing him well enough to know it wouldn’t have.
“No, it didn’t. I’m a coward for not telling you.”
“You are,” Haley agreed. Would she ever be able to get past this? Should she? “And don’t you think it’s a problem that you waited to talk to the cops until they dragged you into the station? Until after Josie was attacked? Why didn’t you go to the cops right away, the second after I told you the bracelet had been found?”
Dean started to cry. Haley tried to feel empathy for him, but she couldn’t. Was this seriously the same person she’d said yes to? The person she wanted to spend her life with, the person who always seemed to make the right choice? “Never mind,” she finally said. “I can’t hear you make an excuse, not about this, not about my sister.”
“I’m so sorry,” Dean said.
Haley sniffed, tapped, tried to get her bearings, tried to understand. “Tell me wha
t this is all about with Josie,” she said.
“The emails?” Dean asked, and Haley nodded. “The cops called her in to identify that bracelet a few days before they called in you and your mom,” he said, “and I guess she went a little nuts about it. That’s why I never told you about meeting with her, because she was starting to sound insane with her theories, and I didn’t want to involve you in it. She wanted us to meet in private because she knew I’d taken that walk with Emma. She never told the cops that years ago, but she saw us go off together into the woods, and she wanted me to come forward, too, and say I saw Emma wearing the bracelet that night, just like she’d already told the police. She thought it would help the police pursue Brad if I backed her up. She said Brad gave it to Emma, and she had all these theories about the crime.”
“That’s what you were meeting with Josie about?”
“Yeah,” Dean said. “It just seemed like she wanted to talk about it with someone who was there that night, someone who wasn’t Noah. She said they were fighting and that Noah was a jealous type, so she didn’t want him to know we were talking. After the night she said that, I didn’t see her again alone, because I had such a bad feeling about the whole thing.” He shook his head. “Josie kept talking about that bracelet, and obviously it was ten years ago, and I wasn’t sure what the thing looked like, and I definitely didn’t think I’d remember anything useful about it, which is what I told her. But then when I got here last night to the precinct and told the cops everything—that I was there on the night Emma disappeared, and that I took a walk alone with her—they showed me the bracelet. And the thing is I’m almost positive it wasn’t Emma who was wearing it that night. And when I told the cops that, they didn’t seem surprised at all.”
“Who was wearing the bracelet?” Haley asked, her voice barely audible over the hum of a radiator. But then in came Rappaport, and the look on his face told Haley he’d been watching them, listening.
“I’d like to speak with Haley alone,” he said.
FIFTY
Emma
Ten years ago
The moon is shrouded by clouds that make it hard to see where the cliff ends and the gorge begins. But it’s so incredibly beautiful up here, and I’m not ready to go back to the party. My cell service is spotty, but suddenly it picks up a signal, and a barrage of texts and missed calls come through. The first text is from Haley.
I’m trying my best to come tonight but of course mom is onto me, she knows something’s up. Will keep you posted.
I put my phone away and close my eyes, thinking back on the times my dad took Haley and me to these woods when we were little. I try to get the buzz I usually feel when I think back on how happy my family used to make me, but then I hear branches crunch and shatter beneath someone’s feet. At first I tell myself it’s probably just kids from the party looking for a place to make out. But then whoever it is falls to the ground—or at least that’s what it sounds like: a crash followed by deathly silence. And then the footsteps start up again.
I push myself upright so I’m ready to go, but it’s too dark without the moonlight, and I’m nervous I won’t be able to find the mouth of the trail. I fumble for my phone so I can use the flashlight, but then the clouds clear, and I can see again. I move closer to the sound of the footsteps so I’ll be ready to pass the person and get onto the trail, but then there’s a final snap and Josie appears.
Moonlight falls on her face. The tiny spots of blood on her cheek must be from the fall she just took, maybe from a wayward branch that caught her skin. I reach my hand forward to touch her face, but then think better of it and let my hand fall to my side. “Hey,” I say gently, “what are you doing?”
Josie laughs. “Me?” she asks. “What am I doing? Emma, seriously? You’ve got some nerve, I’ll give you that.”
“What are you talking about?” I ask, and I feel like I can’t inhale properly, like the oxygen is too thin up here.
“What were you doing out here with Dean?” she asks when I don’t figure it out fast enough. “Did you think I wouldn’t notice you sneaking away with him?” Her pupils are too wide. She’s definitely on something.
“I didn’t sneak away with him,” I say. “He asked me to go for a walk.” I know I should add to talk about you, but I’m suddenly so angry—she can’t possibly think I want anything to do with Dean. I don’t even know him.
“So do you just like the guys I want, is that it?” Josie asks.
I let out a disbelieving gasp. “Is that what you think?” I ask.
“It’s what I know, Emma,” she says, and her eyes are so angry they scare me. “We both liked Noah. Didn’t you see that? He belonged to both of us, until you started fooling around with him, until you got pregnant by him.” She starts to laugh, but it sounds too strange, like the deranged cackle of someone who’s high. “Didn’t you know I got with him, too?”
I swallow, a zing of pain coursing through me, but it doesn’t surprise me, not after seeing them together tonight, the way her body was curled in his lap when I first got to the party. Something about it looked too familiar, the way two bodies fit together like a puzzle because they’ve done it before. “How many times?” I ask, because I need to know, I need to know how stupid I’ve been.
“Once, but why does that matter?” Josie asks. “The point is that he was both of ours, whether you want to admit that or not. But, not anymore, now I’m the one who’s left out again, the one everyone wants to get rid of. Not good enough for you guys, I guess, right? Do you know what Noah just told me?” she asks, her words so hard and deliberate, as if she wants me to take every one like a punch. “He told me we can’t hook up again,” she goes on. “That’s what he called it—hooking up, like we’re still in eighth grade, like he can’t call it what it really was, which was a relationship, whether he wants to admit that or not. You can’t even deny that, can you, Emma?” Her shrill laugh is back, ripping through the night air.
“I don’t know what was going on between you and Noah,” I say, “and I don’t even know if I . . .” I’m about to say if I want him anymore, but she freaks out and says, “What it was? Past tense? I was just with him, like, two weeks ago.”
I let that sink in, the nitty-gritty timing of it, the fact that she hooked up with him right around the time I got pregnant, but it hurts less than I thought it would. “You just said he called it off,” I say. “That’s all I meant.”
“Called it off!” she shrieks, incredulous. “Like it’s a game!” The clouds shroud the moon again, and her face goes dark. She’s really starting to freak me out, it’s so black up here, and she’s moving around frantically like she doesn’t realize how close we are to the edge of the cliff.
“Josie, be careful, please,” I say, but there’s no way she’s hearing me.
“And what a fun game it must be for you and Noah to play,” she’s shouting, “to just mess with me for whatever sordid thing he needs, but then cast me off, so that perfect you and perfect Noah can be together forever.” The pain in her voice is unbearable, and I need to fix this—to fix her—but I can’t find the words. “Don’t you see it?” she goes on. “It’s like perfect little Emma, so unassuming, so sweet, no marks on her, no dark past.”
“No marks on me?” I ask. “What are you talking about?”
“Don’t you get it?” she shrieks again. “They all see it on me. My messed-up life, how no one’s ever even wanted me to be theirs except Chris.”
I want to go to her, to put my arms around her, but I feel so frozen. “That’s not true,” I say. “Your mom . . .” I start.
“I know what you did, Emma,” she says, and the skin on her cheek starts to twitch. “I know you messed around with Chris. He admitted everything.”
My stomach drops so far I feel like I’m going to be sick. I take a step back, but the ground seems to teeter beneath me, and I almost fall. I shut my eyes, but it just makes it worse. “I still can’t believe it,” Josie says, and I try to open my eyes to face her
, but I can’t. She screams at me, her words echoing through my skull:
“The only thing I ever asked of you was not to get with my brother, the one person I have in my life who’s mine, the only person who’s kept my secrets and tried to protect me from our father hurting me.”
I open my eyes. She’s barely ever told me anything about her dad except for her memory from the day he died, the day she sat at the bottom of the stairs with his dead body inside the circle of broken glass. When she told me that she hated him, and that she wasn’t sad when he died, was I supposed to intuit something more about the ways he hurt her? “I didn’t know your dad hurt you,” I say, my voice shaking.
“Maybe you should have used your imagination,” she says. “Do I really need to spell everything out for you?” Moonlight catches my silver bangle on her wrist—the one Brad got me that I let her borrow.
“Josie, come on,” I say. I reach out to touch her, but she rips away her arm.
“Get away from me!” she screams, but I don’t listen.
I move toward her, saying, “I’m really sorry if I didn’t understand what you were trying to tell me.” I try to put my arms around her, but she tucks her head, her eyes narrowed into slits.
“You’ve never understood what I’ve tried to tell you,” she says, her voice full of deep, resonating notes. Her hands are balled into fists, and when she flings my arms away, it hurts so badly that I cry out, and then we’re both losing our balance, and her hands find my body again, shoving me back until my feet give way and I stumble. She screams my name, her voice more desperate than I’ve ever heard it, her hands still pushing as I fall backward, over the edge of the cliff and into the dark night.