by Lucy Rains
I looked with watery eyes at all of them. “And you all knew? Knew that I had been there as a child?”
No one answered, but looked at me with guilt in their eyes. Well, everyone except Gavin. I didn’t see him as being capable of feeling remorse.
“What did you see?” Pierce asked, “In your dreams?”
I shook my head, and pressed my eyes closed trying to control the images that kept pressing forward. I didn’t want them, didn’t want to remember. Pierce didn’t press me for information.
I bit back another sob, desperate to stop crying. I put my head in my hands again and shuddered. It was too much. Everything. All the information, experiences, feelings, over the past 3 days was sending me to into a dark void.
I had been experimented on. By my mother. By strangers. I should have known. Betrayal, anger, fear, sadness, too many emotions at once.
The weight on the bed shifted and I opened my eyes in time to see Alex pull me into his lap and wrap his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest. I curled up on him, gripping his shirt tight in my palm, closing my eyes. I managed to keep my crying silent, steady as it was.
Alex tugged me tighter to him, tucking my head under his chin. The physical touch helped immensely. My shakes quieted, my heart slowed, my tears subsided.
My physical reactions improved, but my mind was still recovering. It was unfocused, trapped in a dark pain.
“Jade, you should shower,” Pierce’s suggestion cut through the silence.
The sound of Pierce’s voice was like a slap in my face. I pulled away from Alex’s now wet chest, and looked up to glare at Pierce. He met my fierce stare without flinching.
“How could you?!” I demanded. I looked to Kyson who was peering up at me with his chin down and then back to Pierce. “You drag me to a house of horrors and then drug me so you can leave me by myself in the truck? How am I ever supposed to trust you?”
Gavin spoke up from his position in the corner, leaning against the wall with his hands tucked under his arms. “We think Vera has reached out to the organization that we report to. Even if she hadn’t, we work alone. Jason knows that. Seeing you would have been impossible to explain. It's not all about you, princess.”
I looked back to Pierce who stood silent. His silence confirming Gavin’s comments. I shook my head, “I didn’t ask for this.”
Gavin snorted, “Would you rather be strapped naked to a table with needles up your-”
“Gavin!” Kyson snarled. His voice was so dark it didn’t sound like the Kyson I knew. Pierce gave Gavin a violent look that threatened severe retribution if he kept speaking.
Head flooded my face at Gavin’s suggestion, knowing he was talking about my artificial impregnation. That was worse, I tried telling myself. To have no control over my own self or body. To lose my free will.
I couldn’t move. Couldn’t find the will to get up and wash the stench of the night off of me. I was tumbling down a dark hole of nothingness, my sense of self completely destroyed. I knew I needed the guys more than ever, but I had no idea how to express it. I was a stranger to myself. I had no mother. No home. And a part of my life I hadn’t known existed was coming to light in my mind with a vengeance. I had been violated, treated like a rodent in a cage. How was I to handle this? Accept this? Process this?
What if they had done tests inside of my reproductive system? To my female organs? My mind wondered if that was why my menstruation had been so delayed. Was I somehow damaged because of them?
I bent in half, curling into myself and rocked. My ears were starting to ring and my fingers were digging into my palms again. Rather than holding on to Alex, I wrapped my arms around myself. I wanted to bring my legs up into the fetal position.
Alex’s arms tightened on me and they began talking to each other in panicked tones. Strong hands came around me from the back and lifted me from Alex’s lap. I was placed into Pierce’s arms and moved towards the bathroom. I didn’t fight him. My joints felt firmly locked in place.
Pierce walked me into the bathroom and set me on the counter. I held myself up as he removed my socks I had been wearing, then my black jacket.
Alex appeared in the doorway. “What can I do?”
“Start her shower.”
I heard his words but they didn’t register. I watched him pull my black sweatshirt off and lift my undershirt over my head. It was like watching a movie, or an out of body experience. Things around me moved but I couldn’t focus on anything.
Water started running in my bathroom. My shakes slowed as I watched Pierce move around me. I focused on his hands as they touched me gently, removing my clothing until I was left in only my bra and underwear.
He bent his knees to look into my eyes and placed his hands on each side of me. “Jade, you need to relax. Okay? In through your nose, out through your mouth.”
I nodded, understanding his words and trying to mimic his breathing. I shook out my arms, open and closed my fists, working the blood back into them. I rolled my head around and looked up at the steam filling my bathroom.
“Good girl, keep breathing.”
My focus was coming back slowly, my muscles starting to relax. The warmth of the steam filled my nose and cleared my sinuses. I rubbed my hands over my face, up into my hair, pulling my hair tie out. My hair fell softly over my shoulders.
“You ready?” he asked.
I nodded.
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No,’ I whispered quickly, shaking my head.
He nodded in understanding, stepping back to let me hop off the counter. He held my elbow and helped me to step under the water. As soon as I was situated, he pulled the shower liner closed and gave me privacy.
I stood under the water for several minutes. Not moving, letting the warmth soothe my muscles, sore from all the tension of the night and also my uncontrollable shaking. I ran my hands over my hair, not interested in cleansing, only in regaining some sense of self. I rubbed my arms, my stomach, my legs. I looked over my black bra and underwear, watching them soak in the water. Someone came into the bathroom a couple of times as I showered, speaking quietly to Pierce, checking on me. Anxious energy coming and going.
I managed to grab a bar of soap and run it over my skin. But it was weak and a pitiful effort at really cleansing myself. The water was dripping pink down my chest, washing off my dried blood that had caked on my neck and shoulders. I touched gently at where the bullet had grazed me, slicing open my skin. At first the skin felt smooth and untouched. But my senses sharpened and I could feel a whisper of a scar under the beds of my finger pads.
My mind bounced from image to topic to memory. The sound of gun fire, the smell of death, the look of evil lust, the memory of being pinned, the feel of the needles.
I put my hands on the wall in front of me and leaned forward. I put a hand over my mouth to try and control myself. But my shoulders shook as I cried uncontrollably. The curtain pulled back and Pierce turned off the water.
I stood there trembling, putting my hands over my face and leaning against the shower wall. I didn’t want him to see me like this again.
Pierce stepped silently into the shower and pulled me into his arms.
He held me as I cried. Ran his hands down my hair. Up and down my back, over my bra strap, over my shoulders. My chest warmed in contentment as he held me. I could feel his own warmth in his chest. My tears slowed but I knew it was possible they would start again. I pushed my face into his chest, letting his scent fill me. I brought my hands around to his back and rested them there. His body was hard with strength, and the desire to feel more of him was a surprising temptation that made me wake up from my depressive state, if only a little.
I stepped back and tried to drop my arms. Pierce’s arms loosened, but he didn’t let go. I stared at the wet spot on his shirt, looking down to the matching wet spot on his pants from my wet underclothing.
I avoided his eyes, turning my head to the side. I saw the mirror reflecting us.
His hands moved down around my waist, and settled on my lower back. His head bent down to the side of my head, his nose coming close to my ear. His hands tightened on my waist, pulling me in closer. I could feel the warm hum of his chest, the vibration unmistakable.
Insecurity bubbled up inside me and it embarrassed me to know I couldn’t even hide it from him. I was unworthy of his desire. Naive and weak. He would argue that I was like him, tortured past, common differences. But he was so much stronger. Beautiful. He could do much better.
“Stop,” he whispered softly, yet his voice held a commanding tone. His fingers found the hem of my underwear and I could feel him wrap his fingers into the elastic, gripping them. “You should never feel like this with me. With us.”
I struggled to breathe in that moment, butterflies coming to life in my stomach. Millions of them. Flitting against my body. My chest warmed up to a pleasurable heat, like sipping hot chocolate in the the cold of winter.
“Why,” I brought my hand to the warm humming in my chest, “Do I feel you here?”
I looked up into his eyes and explored his beautiful face. His perfect lips, his high cheekbones, how the tips of his hair were darker than the rest. There was wisdom in his eyes, but also innocent curiosity.
I brought my hand up slowly and laid it on his chest. I pushed my palm firmly against him, wanting to feel it stronger. The sensation in my chest intensified to a new level as I felt him, and was starting to spread down to my belly. The warmth pushing to my lower core. I moaned softly, unable to deny how good it felt. For a moment the painful weight in my mind lifted and I felt a brief respite.
Pierce’s body leaned in closer, his lips skimming my bare shoulder. “I don’t have an answer for that.”
I opened my eyes and with all my inner strength I pulled my hand away from his chest before the sensations went even farther south. Pierce released a breath of air as I stepped back slowly, a regretful look coming over his face.
I stepped slowly out of the bathtub, a chill starting to creep into my skin. When I looked around the bathroom for a clean towel, I saw the other guys hovering in my bedroom. Kyson was just outside the door, Gavin and Alex rested on my bed, which now had new sheets. Three sets of eyes darted over my bare body, my wet underwear, my exposed skin. I quickly located the towel I used yesterday and wrapped it around me.
I stepped out of the bathroom and looked at Kyson. I knew he heard my question so I gave him a pointed look. “Do you know why?”
Kyson closed his eyes and shrugged, “Our bodies seem to react with positive energy when we are around each other. I have seen that our heart rates slow, tension eases in our muscles, our blood pressure lowers and our brain waves increase.”
“And when I fight you?”
He nods, “Negative energy.”
I nod slowly, understanding the pain in my head when I had fought with Alex. Outright aggression with them affected my brain.
“We've searched what we can through the labs database where we came from,” said Alex. “We haven't been able to find anything. The information,” he shrugged, “it just isn’t there. Which makes me think they, the scientists, your mom, they might not know about it. Especially since we were never in the lab together.”
I nodded, still feeling numb. “Have you guys,” I swallowed and cleared my throat, “ever...” I motioned to my chest, “you know, felt this way with anyone else?” I grunted after getting the rest out. Not sure I even wanted to hear the answer.
Thankfully they all shook their heads.
I let out the breath of air I was holding. “Okay,” I said weakly. “Okay.” I looked around my bedroom that felt very small with everyone in it. My feet wouldn’t move. My gaze drifted from one set of eyes to the next. I knew I needed to do something but wasn’t sure what.
I felt Pierce come up behind me, “You should change,” he suggested.
I nodded, thankful for his gentle direction and moved into my closet behind a closed door for privacy. I dropped the towel and shed my wet underwear quickly. I could hear the guys talking quietly in my bedroom. There were shuffling noises and some footsteps. I found dry and clean underwear then threw on a tank top and cotton shorts.
When I opened the door my heart seized in my chest.
My bedroom was empty.
Sudden panic swelled inside me and I swallowed hard to keep from calling out to someone. My hands wrapped around the door handle to keep me steady and I pinched my eyes closed. My breathing became shallow. I could be alone, I just needed to fall asleep and I would be okay.
How would I be able to sleep like this? What if I had more dreams? What if I-
Footsteps sounded quickly and Kyson appeared in the open doorway. “Jade?”
I opened my eyes and relaxed my grip. I let out a heavy breath and tried to speak in a normal voice. “Could someone...I can’t….” my voice was going up in pitch as I tried to talk.
Thankfully, Kyson understood. After looking from me to the bed he pulled the covers back and waited for me to lay down. I was guided to the middle of the bed and Kyson pulled the covers over my body.
When I was settled Kyson brought himself on top of the covers and laid down in front of me. I pulled a bare arm out and quickly grabbed onto his thick hand, pulling it close to my face. I could hear someone walk to my room.
“We need to get Jade a bigger bed if that's how it's going to be.” Alex’s voice was laced with bitterness.
“G’night Alex,” said Kyson.
Alex grumbled something under his breath and left.
With the lights out and Kyson next to me I knew it was the best comfort I was going to get. Yet I was too scared to close my eyes for fear of what would fill my mind.
I distracted myself by looking at Kyson’s eyes. I studied his face, his strong jaw line, the few days growth of facial hair lining his neck and face. As I memorized all the details of his face, he eventually closed his eyes.
I brought out a bare arm and rested my hand against his chest, moving it closer to the middle to feel his humming. He made a soft grunt as my hand settled on him. Focusing on the warmth, I cleared my mind.
Finally my eyes became heavy enough to start drooping. The painful images from the evening had been put away long enough to let my body relax and let my mind shut down for the night.
CHAPTER 17
Something firm, smelling of soap mixed with sweat, was pressed against my nose. My eyes blinked slowly, peeling apart in the morning light. I didn’t move a muscle. Instead I stared at Kyson’s chest and wondered how I felt about his arm being around my body.
I listened closely to the sound of his deep breathing, unsure if he was awake or not. My 6th sense felt subtle hints of pleasure and contentment. I pushed my senses around and found no one else still sleeping, but instead scattered around the house.
Kyson shifted slightly and multiple parts of my body moved when he did. Warmth flooded my cheeks and I stiffened. My top leg was draped over his, my hands were twisted in his shirt. How long had we been sleeping like this? Better yet, was Kyson awake when I adjusted this way? One of his arms was draped above my head, while the other was wrapped firmly around my waist as he rested. My tank top had shifted up my torso during the night and I felt his rough skin against my own.
I tilted my head up slightly, but my view was only of his wide neck and muscular shoulders. They were fascinating in their own way and I took pleasure in watching him. His shoulders moved slowly as he breathed. A thick vein in his neck pulsed faintly.
Kyson’s hand on my waist shifted and moved up under my tank top. His touch awakened all the tiny nerves under my skin and the butterflies from last night revved up. He used his grip to pull me up closer to his face and into his body. I thought we were close before, but there was much more physical contact now. Goosebumps rose over my arms at the feel of his body against mine.
He gave a small satisfied sigh at the contact. I couldn’t deny I wanted to do the same. My mind hummed in sync with my chest, but doubt
began to filter in and I braced myself to pull away. I shouldn’t be doing this, shouldn’t settle too far into this emotional comfort. After everything that was happening, intimacy with a guy, or guys, that I barely knew definitely felt like a bad idea.
The strong urge to stay in Kyson’s arms delayed my movements at first, but eventually I overpowered it.
I cleared my throat and pulled myself away while simultaneously gently pushing his arm off from my body.
“Jade,” he started, his tone questioning me. But I wouldn’t look at him. I leaned over the side of the bed and put my head in my hands while resting my elbows on my knees. Breaking the physical contact had been like ice water on my body. The warmth in my head faded completely while my chest tapered down to a smaller sensation as well. I took a deep breath to try and work on accepting the loss.
I could hear Kyson sit up in the bed, waiting for my next move. I wanted to go back to sleep. Wanted him to hold me again, bring back the warmth. I wanted to escape this conflict raging in my body.
“I have to get ready for class,” he said regretfully.
I still didn’t look at him but gave a quick nod to acknowledge that I had heard him.
His absence from the room increased the coldness that spread through me. I sat quietly on my bed, gazing unfocused out the window.
I don’t know how long I sat that way. The horrific images flashed through my mind from the previous night, and though they didn’t send me into a tearful state of panic, my fingers curled of their own accord into my palms. My head jerked as if being slapped when the lab coats filtered into my mind. I swallowed hard and took a deep breath.
I tried desperately to think of something else to replace the thoughts, knowing I needed to find something positive to shift to. After searching desperately, the only things I could find were swimming, and remembering the warm thick hum running through my body last night. Pierce’s hands, Kyson’s hands. The feelings were more of a pleasurable peace than desire. Safety.
As I dwelled on them, the thoughts suddenly tasted bittersweet. For the first time in my life I was relying on someone else to help me feel safe. I didn’t know how to accept this. I had always been my own person, my own strength. The events over the past several days were more than my mind and body could handle and now I was forced into a place of desperation where I needed others. But not just anyone. These guys. Kyson, Pierce, Alex, and unfortunately, also Gavin. My subconscious was heavily placated in their company. They provided me an emotional safe haven in a way that no one else could. I both appreciated and resented this.