by Jarica James
“At least you can enjoy dinner then. Do you eat meat?”
I have a feeling she’s more nervous than normal and doesn’t know how to handle it, because her words are rushed together and she’s wringing her hands. I nod, and she gestures for me to pick my food. We both dish ourselves big plates and for once I don’t hold back. If it tastes half as fantastic as it smells, then it’s going to be magical. I sigh as I chew the first bite, the sweet and spicy flavor even better than I expected. Before I know it, my plate is empty and I sit back heavily in my chair, rubbing my bloated belly.
Sophia finishes a few minutes later, but instead of relaxing a nervous look flashes across her face.
“Okay, I also took the liberty of getting you a tablet. Danielle said you liked to read, so I figured this could help with reading and the shopping. I made you an email, so I could get it set up, but of course you can put your old one in too. I wrote that down here on this piece of paper.” She gestures to the tablet and paper she slides over to me. My mouth hangs open in shock as I take in the large, expensive tablet. Why is she being this generous? She takes in my expression, and her features soften.
“Neither of us have had easy lives, Charlie. I chose to stay single after I lost my husband four years ago, it just never really felt like the right time. I didn’t get the chance for kids and frankly, I married my job in his absence. But after a while I realized I wanted someone around to share my life with, it was too lonely in this house. I thought fostering a teenager would be the perfect solution since I work from home a lot. I want to spend time with you and get to know you. I want to spend money on you and buy you things you need and want. Once you walked into this house, you became my kid and I intend to treat you like you are.”
She levels me with a serious look like she’s daring me to argue. She’s obviously determined, and I’m grateful for her generosity and how much she seems to care, it’s a nice change to be honest. I hate that someone so genuine had to go through something so horrible, and I blink back a few tears and nod in understanding. It would make her sad to argue, not that I want to turn down her kindness.
Instead, I write down ‘I’m sorry’ on the notebook. She pats my hand that’s resting on the table, blinking a few of her own tears away.
“Me too, honey. I know how it feels to have someone you love taken away. It’s not fair and it hurts. But just know that I will never ask you to share anything you don’t want to or ask you to talk about what you’ve been through. As long as you can write anything you need down on these notebooks or text me, I can work with it.” She gives me a sad but hopeful smile that’s more of a question than anything. I think she needed someone here as much as I needed a change.
For once, Danielle may be right, this may be exactly what we both need. I didn’t mind leaving my old life behind, and I’m actually looking forward to a change of pace even if I didn’t really realize it until right now. It’s a relief not being at that school, knowing everyone knew the old Charlie and hated the new one. Being invisible was comforting there, but now that I’m sitting here with her, I can’t help but think that maybe I’m tired of being lonely too.
With a deep breath and a drink of water, she launches back into her talk. “Okay, I also got you this debit card. It’s linked to my account, and I will load an allowance every week. I did load you on some general spending money and clothes money so you can get properly settled in before school. Would you like to go shopping in person or order online?” she asks, and I quickly point at my tablet. Her answering grin is bright as she slides her finger over the screen and points to some clothing apps. “Perfect, I have my favorites on here already. I’m an online shopper too,” she says with a wink.
She opens up a folder and flips through a few pages. Her expression shifting to serious.
“I’m not trying to overwhelm you, but I figured since it’s Friday I could give you all of your info tonight so you have a few days to process and get familiar with the house and town. I have your school papers here, along with the email I printed out that gave instructions for your first day. The cafeteria at school will also take the debit card I gave you, so lunch money will also be included in the allowance I load. I stocked your bathroom upstairs with some simple makeup and basic necessities. I asked Danielle what kind of hair you had and skin tone, so there are some hair products for thick hair and the makeup should work for you.” She seems so excited as she rattles off all of the info. I, on the other hand, am feeling extremely overwhelmed. It’s a bit hard to go from being constantly ignored or talked around, to having to focus while someone shoves information at you.
On the bright side, I really like Sophia. She’s refreshing… the perfect blend of bubbly and serious, and I feel like if I ever need her, she’ll be there. It’s been too long since I’ve really had someone in my corner.
Hopefully she doesn’t send me away when I become too much.
“I loaded three hundred to your card. Please order at least two hundred worth of clothes. I know that you didn’t exactly get a chance to bring all of your belongings with you when you entered the system.” My eyes go wide at the mention of the money and she waves me off. “Please don’t argue, I set the amount I wanted. I want you to have plenty of your own things here. And I already think we will make a great team,” she finishes before getting up and clearing the table as I look through my school papers.
The instructions are pretty straightforward. Having me go to the office to sign in and get a student ID is pretty standard. They gave me a pretty normal class schedule, a lot of the same classes from my old school. I just need to ask her how I’m going to get to school. Sophia seems pretty organized, so at least I’m fairly positive she has that figured out too.
When I look up, she’s standing behind her chair, studying me. Her expression is unreadable and she fidgets when I look up at her in question.
“Do you allow hugs?” she asks softly. Generally I’d be against it, but I can tell she needs it. And for once, I find that I don’t even mind. She smiles when I shrug and give a small nod. She’s so kind, I don’t want to refuse such a simple request. It doesn’t hurt that she actually asked for permission instead of forcing something on me.
She comes over and gives me a quick squeeze but doesn’t linger. “I know it is hard to adjust, but if you need anything, you tell me. I added the local shopping app I use, it has a feature for VIP members to ship overnight, even on weekends. It’s fantastic, so I would suggest that. Otherwise overnight may not be an option. Just choose to bill me at checkout, and it will charge me instead of your card this time. Then you can use your card this weekend if you or we explore. We can go at your pace though. And remember, at least order several outfits, honey. I want you to have plenty. Please let me do this for you. I have some work to do, so I will be in my office which is through there. I’ll see you in the morning, honey,” she adds and points out her office. Everything she says is in such a rambling quick rush I find my head spinning when she’s done, but I smile and nod before collecting my things to head up to my room.
When I’m back in the familiar quiet, I start to relax. My room is so different from what I’m used to, but it’s oddly comforting. I feel myself starting to hope, but I know that’s a dangerous game, so I shove it away as quickly as it came. It’s healthier to live life with a dose of skepticism. It means I wont get hurt. Because I’m honestly not sure I could handle it if I lose someone else I care about, and I see Sophia getting under my skin, and fast. She’s too genuine not to.
Trying not to think about it, I pull out my phone and start flipping through the app. They actually have some decent clothing shops in town, and even a few more mainstream ones. Plus it lists everything separately that’s in stock locally for pickup or delivery.
Turning on some quiet music I start to scroll through. The clothes I’ve worn for three years have been whatever they chose for me, mostly hand me downs, and it’s actually nice to be able to pick things out for myself..
There�
�s something so freeing about choosing a new look. No one here knows who I am or what I’ve been through. Most importantly they didn't know me before it all happened. Meaning I could be whoever I wanted to be.
By the time I finish, I’ve added a few pairs of dark skinny jeans, a leather jacket, some t-shirts in some darker shades, a few band shirts, a few bra and underwear sets, some awesome fingerless gloves, and a new pair of converse. That should hopefully keep Sophia happy.
After going through my usual night time routine, I snuggle under the covers. But in these quiet moments in the dark, is when it’s the hardest. My fingers dance over the bracelet on my hand and tears fall.
Hey Mom. I miss you guys so much. I know you’d yell at me for the dark thoughts and feelings I have, but for the first time in a long time, I think that feeling might change. The new foster mom reminds me of you. She’s bubbly and tells it like it is.
My feelings and thoughts all flow as I talk to my mom in my mind, drifting off to sleep easier than I have in a long time.
Saturday
Early Morning
Charlie
Bam! Bam! Bam!
The gunshots ring through the house and it immediately sends my body into fight or flight mode, senses on high alert and the need to flee making me twitch.
I’m standing in my old closet, hiding behind my dresses and trying to make myself invisible. The bat in my hand is the only thing grounding me, but only just.
The sounds that came from the first floor were horrifying. Angry voices. Pleading cries. Thumps of flesh hitting flesh. But after the shots, the sound now is far more terrifying.
Silence.
My heart races and tears flow freely down my face. Despite knowing this is a dream, it feels like it did that day.
After several minutes I hear the bang of the front door signifying the coast is clear, and I somehow convince myself that this time it will be different. That this time I'll be able to save them.
It’s a naive thought, but dream me refuses to listen.
With one last deep breath, I finally crawl out of my hiding place. My legs feel like they’re made of lead as I start to make my way down the stairs. My brain fights the need to look at them, but it’s like I lose control of my own actions and raise my eyes.
I look up to see my family slumped over the table, covered in blood, their vacant eyes staring at me. The screams that rip from my lips are almost involuntary, and I can’t stop them or turn away, I’m frozen here. Forced to see my family die yet again.
“Wake up, honey,” Sophia says, repeating it over and over in a soothing voice and slowly lulling me awake. I can feel her holding my upper body and rocking me, but it’s another few minutes before my adrenaline has calmed enough to respond. Each ragged breath is like breathing in smoke and embers, searing pain coating me as I inflame the old scar tissue yet again. Sophia never stops or says anything as I slowly blink back the tears, a mix of soul deep pain and exhaustion. It takes another piece of my sanity and heart with each dream. But for the first time in forever, I'm not fighting the battle alone. She keeps rubbing her hand gently down my hair until I feel myself falling asleep again.
The next time I wake, it’s because of the sun streaming into my bedroom. Thanks to the bright walls and lighter curtains, there’s no real barrier to keep out sunlight. It feels like I just fell back asleep, but I roll over and check my phone.
It’s eight in the morning.
I swear I’m the worst teenager in history.
Since I’m awake now anyway, I force myself to get up and put on a simple outfit. I hesitate as I start to open my door. Doubt creeps in… I’m not sure how Sophia will feel about me today. I haven’t forgotten my nightmare or her soothing reaction to it. It was the first time in years I’d been able to fall back asleep right away and didn’t wake up feeling like garbage.
The last few foster families just got annoyed after the first one and stopped coming in to gently wake me, instead yelling at me to wake up. Imagine getting slammed from one nightmare into another. Yeah… not fun. One mom even screamed at me for waking the other kids, like I could control how I reacted in my sleep.
Deciding to hope for the best, I slowly make my way to the kitchen to find breakfast already waiting. Sophia’s at the table with her phone in one hand and her tablet in the other. Sitting in front of her is a glorious box of donuts. Going to the fridge, I take out a bottle of water and sit down at the table. Feeling awkward as hell, I slide my plate closer and reach in for the sprinkled chocolate donut. I mean, why choose any other kind?
“Do you want to go explore the town today? Arcadia Hills isn’t huge or anything, but we are much bigger than Starbrooke. We can go out for the day and do some shopping and get lunch, or if you prefer to go it alone, I can get a driver for you?” She pauses, but I don’t know how to answer, not wanting to hurt her feelings. She continues on like it’s nothing and I let out a relieved breath. “We also only live two blocks away from the main hub of shops and restaurants if you prefer to go for a walk. I want you to be comfortable. I won’t be upset at whatever you choose, this is your chance to do things how you prefer. Adjusting is hard enough without factoring in how someone else will react. I want you to do what you feel most comfortable with.” My smile is instantaneous, but I need a second to catch up with all of the options she gave me before answering.
Finally making my decision, I reach for the notebook that’s still between us from last night’s notes.
I’ve gotten really good at catching subtle facial cues, so I study her face to see her reaction as she reads my decision to take a walk. She just reads it before her lips tip up in a warm smile. I’m not exactly a flight risk, but I’d understand if she had reservations about letting me go alone.
“That’s fine with me. Just make sure you have your cell phone in case you get lost. And please keep me updated with the occasional text so I don’t worry all day. Want to meet up for dinner? I can take you to the Italian restaurant in the mall when you are ready?” It sounds better than eating alone all day, so I write that I’ll meet her here. After shoving the donut in my mouth, I run upstairs to get ready.
Half of the shops would still be closed, so I take my time. After picking out an outfit, I go across the hall to my bathroom to take a quick shower. But the moment I’m under the hot spray of water from what I’m convinced is the most heavenly shower head in the world, all thoughts of a quick shower fade away. It’s like three years of stress and anxiety are washing away, my body feeling lighter than it has in ages as I shave and deep condition my hair. The products she got for me smell amazing, the steamy bathroom filling up with the scent of coconuts.
After my fingers turn to prunes, I shut off the water and step out, wrapping the fluffy towel around my body. My hair hasn’t been this soft in ages. I quickly swipe a hand over the mirror to see how it looks. Even as I brush my fingers through it, there’s not a single tangle in it.
My gaze flickers to my eyes in the mirror, actually taking in my appearance for once. The bags under my eyes are still there, but are much less pronounced. Even my skin has a bit of a glow, though that’s likely from the hot shower I just took. Either way, I feel another piece of hope fill me.
Deciding to just get dressed in my room, I gather everything up and head that way. It’s still pretty warm for fall, so I just put on a tee and jeans and my old, worn in shoes. When I check the time I’m surprised to see it’s already close to ten. With nothing else holding me back, I grab my wallet and pull up Google Maps on my phone. I don’t want to head out in the wrong direction and get lost before even starting. With my luck, I’d end up on the wrong side of town.
Following the GPS, I make my way toward the shopping district of Arcadia Hills. The day is fairly quiet for a weekend, but I notice quite a few people walking around enjoying the day already. It’s still really nice, especially for September, and I find myself just enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.
I’m not really interested in clothing sto
res since I’ve already seen their inventory, so I walk past the few boutiques that I run across. The next store is a small vintage style record and music store and I stop, internally squealing and doing a happy dance before opening the door and walking in.
The store is absolutely perfect. The walls are covered with band posters ranging from Eighties hair bands to pop stars and rappers. String lights circle the room, adding to the soft glow of the overhead lights.
They also have a record player hooked up to their sound system so you can test out records before buying them. The speakers are currently blaring a techno beat, the guy behind the counter dancing and humming along as he puts inventory away. He gives me a wave at the sound of the bell then returns to his task.
The music is separated by genre, and then by CD or record. It’s easy to navigate at least, which I appreciate. Nothing is worse than a music store that has genres mixed together.
Knowing exactly what I want, I immediately make my way to the punk rock section. It’s my secret obsession and one I hid even in my old life. Lizzy was the only one who knew and I always had her to dress me before, so I ended up giving off a preppy vibe. With my good grades and quieter nature, nobody expected it. To them I had good girl vibes and was mainly just called Lizzy’s friend. Now that I don’t care about anyone or their opinions, I finally get to embrace whatever makes me happy. Well, as happy as I allow myself to get.
I quickly pick out some of my favorite bands and have a ridiculous stack before I even realize it, but I refuse to let myself feel bad. She told me I had an allowance and this is likely the only time I’ll actually use it.
For a moment I hesitate, unsure if I can even play them. Though I’m sure the computer in my room has a CD drive, and if not I can probably buy a CD player of some sort. That thought motivates me enough to grab one last CD.
After way too long, I carry my purchases up to the counter. This is always my most hated part. I may not care what people think, but it’s always a struggle when you don’t speak back to the cashier. Thanks to the judge’s orders, I know sign language. And despite how angry I was at the time, it’s made my life way easier and I use it in most public settings.