The Great Pursuit

by Tom Sharpe

  On the other hand the vacuum cleaner next door and the various intrusions of landladies and cleaners had to be ignored. Piper refused to allow his mornings to be interrupted. It was then that he wrote. After lunch he took a walk along whatever promenade he happened to be living opposite at the time. After tea he wrote again and after supper he read, first what he had written during the day and second from the novel that was serving as his present model. Since he read rather more quickly than he wrote he knew Hard Times, Nostromo, The Portrait of A Lady, Middlemarch and The Magic Mountain almost off by heart. With Sons and Lovers he was word-perfect. By thus confining his reading to only the greatest masters of fiction he ensured that lesser novelists would not exercise a malign influence on his own work.

  Besides these few masterpieces he drew inspiration from The Moral Novel. It lay on his bedside table and before turning out the light he would read a page or two and mull Miss Louth’s adjurations over in his mind. She was particularly keen on ‘the placing of characters within an emotional framework, a context as it were of mature and interrelated susceptibilities, which corresponds to the reality of the experience of the novelist in his own time and thus enhances the reality of his fictional creations’. Since Piper’s own experience had been limited to eighteen years of family life in Finchley, the death of his parents in a car crash, and ten years of boarding-houses, he found it difficult in his work to provide a context of mature and interrelated susceptibilities. But he did his best and subjected the unsatisfactory marriage of the late Mr and Mrs Piper to the minutest examination in order to imbue them with the maturity and insightfulness Miss Louth demanded. They emerged from his emotional exhumation with feelings they had never felt and insights they had never had. In real life Mr Piper had been a competent plumber. In Search he was an insightful one with tuberculosis and a great number of startlingly ambiguous feelings towards his wife. Mrs Piper came out, if anything, rather worse. Modelled on Frau Chauchat out of Isabel Archer she was given to philosophical disquisitions, to slamming doors, to displaying bare shoulders and to private sexual feelings for her son and the man next door which would have horrified her. For her husband she had only contempt mixed with disgust. And finally there was Piper himself, a prodigy of fourteen burdened by a degree of self-knowledge and an insight into his parents’ true feelings for one another that would, had he in fact possessed them, have made his presence in the house utterly unbearable. Fortunately for the sanity of the late Mr and Mrs Piper and for the safety of Piper himself, he had at fourteen been a singularly dull child and with none of the perceptions he subsequently claimed for himself. What few feelings he had were concentrated on the person of his English mistress at school, a Miss Pears, who, in an unguarded moment, had complimented little Peter on a short story he had in fact copied almost verbatim from an old copy of Horizon he had found in a school cupboard. From this early derived promise Piper had gained his literary ambitions – and from the fatigue of a tanker driver who, four years later, had fallen asleep at the wheel of his lorry, crossed a main road at sixty miles an hour and obliterated Mr and Mrs Piper who were doing thirty on their way to visit friends in Amersham, he had acquired the wherewithal to pursue them. At eighteen he had inherited the house in Finchley, a substantial sum from the insurance company, and his parents’ savings. Piper had sold the house, had banked all his capital and, to provide himself with a pecuniary motive to write, had lived off the capital ever since. After ten years and several million unsold words he was practically penniless.

  He was therefore delighted to receive a telegram from London which said URGENT SEE YOU RE SALE OF NOVEL ETC ONE THOUSAND POUNDS ADVANCE PLEASE PHONE IMMEDIATELY FRENSIC.

  Piper phoned immediately and caught the midday train in a state of wild anticipation. His moment of recognition had arrived at last.

  *

  In London Frensic and Sonia were also in a state of anticipation, less wild and with sombre overtones.

  ‘What happens if he refuses?’ asked Sonia as Frensic paced his office.

  ‘God alone knows,’ said Frensic. ‘You heard what Cadwalladine said, “Do what you please but in no way involve my client.” So it’s Piper or bust.’

  ‘At least I managed to squeeze another twenty-five thousand dollars out of Hutchmeyer for the tour, plus expenses,’ said Sonia. ‘I should have thought that was a sufficient inducement.’

  Frensic had doubts. ‘With anyone else,’ he said, ‘but Piper has principles. For God’s sake don’t leave a copy of the proofs of Pause around where he can see what he’s supposed to have written.’

  ‘He’s bound to read the book sometime.’

  ‘Yes, but I want him signed up for the tour first and with some of Hutchmeyer’s money in his pocket. He won’t find it so easy to back out then.’

  ‘And you really think the Corkadales’ offer to publish Search For a Lost Childhood will grab him?’

  ‘Our trump card,’ said Frensic. ‘What you’ve got to realize is that with Piper we are treating a subspecies of lunacy known as dementia novella or bibliomania. The symptoms are a wholly irrational urge to get into print. Well, I’m getting Piper into print. I’ve even got him one thousand pounds which is incredible considering the garbled rubbish he writes. He’s being paid twenty-five thousand dollars to make the tour. Now all we’ve got to do is play our cards right and he’ll go. The Corkadales’ contract is our ace. I mean, the man would murder his own mother to get Search published.’

  ‘I thought you said his parents were dead,’ said Sonia.

  ‘They are,’ said Frensic. ‘To the best of my knowledge the poor fellow has no living relatives. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we aren’t his nearest and dearest.’

  ‘It’s amazing what twenty per cent commission on two million dollars will do to some people,’ said Sonia. ‘I’ve never thought of you in the role of a foster-father.’

  *

  It was amazing what the prospect of having his novel published had done to Piper’s morale. He arrived in Lanyard Lane wearing the blue suit he kept for formal visits to London and an expression of smug self-satisfaction that alarmed Frensic. He preferred his authors subdued and a little depressed.

  ‘I’d like you to meet Miss Futtle, my partner,’ he said when Piper entered. ‘She deals with the American side of the business.’

  ‘Charmed,’ said Piper, bowing slightly, a habit he had derived from Hans Castorp.

  ‘I just adored your book,’ said Sonia, ‘I think it’s marvellous.’

  ‘You did?’ said Piper.

  ‘So insightful,’ said Sonia, ‘so deeply significant.’

  In the background Frensic stirred uncomfortably. He would have chosen less brazen tactics and Sonia’s accent, borrowed, he suspected, from Georgia in 1861, disturbed him. On the other hand it seemed to affect Piper favourably. He was blushing.

  ‘Very kind of you to say so,’ he murmured.

  Frensic asserted himself. ‘Now, as to the matter of Corkadales’ contract to publish Search,’ he began and looked at his watch. ‘Why don’t we go down and discuss the whole thing over a drink?’

  They went downstairs to the pub across the road and while Frensic bought drinks Sonia continued her assault.

  ‘Corkadales are one of the oldest publishing houses in London. They are terribly prestigious but I just think we’ve got to do everything to see your work reaches a wide audience.’

  ‘The thing is,’ said Frensic, returning with two single gin and tonics for himself and Sonia and a double for Piper, ‘that you need exposure. Corkadales will do for a start but their sales record is none too good.’

  ‘It isn’t?’ said Piper, who had never thought of such mundane things as sales.

  ‘They’re naturally old-fashioned and if they do take Search – and that’s still not entirely certain – are they going to be the best people to push it? That’s the question.’

  ‘But I thought you said they’d agreed to buy,’ said Piper uncomfortably.

  ‘The
y’ve made an offer, a good offer, but are we going to accept it?’ said Frensic. ‘That’s what we have to discuss.’

  ‘Yes,’ said Piper. ‘Yes, we are.’

  Frensic looked questioningly at Sonia. ‘The US market?’ he asked.

  Sonia shook her head.

  ‘If we’re going to sell to a US publisher we need someone bigger than Corkadales over here first. Someone with get-up-and-go who’s going to promote the book in a big way.’

  ‘My feelings exactly,’ said Frensic. ‘Corkadales have the prestige but they could kill it stone dead.’

  ‘But …’ began Piper, by now thoroughly disturbed.

  ‘Getting a first novel off the ground in the States isn’t easy,’ said Sonia. ‘And with a new British author it’s like …’

  ‘Trying to sell fireworks in hell?’ suggested Frensic, doing his best to avoid Eskimos and ice cream.

  ‘The words from my mouth,’ said Sonia. ‘They don’t want to know.’

  ‘They don’t?’ said Piper.

  Frensic bought another round of drinks. When he returned Sonia was into tactics.

  ‘A British author in the States needs a gimmick. Thrillers are easy. Historical romance better still. Now if Search were about Regency beaux, or better still Mary Queen of Scots, we’d have no problem. That sort of stuff they lap up, but Search is a deeply insight—’

  ‘What about Pause O Men for the Virgin?’ said Frensic. ‘Now there’s a book that is going to take America by storm.’

  ‘Absolutely,’ said Sonia. ‘Or would have done if the author could go to promote it.’

  They relapsed into gloomy silence.

  ‘Why can’t he go?’ asked Piper.

  ‘Too ill,’ said Sonia.

  ‘Too reserved and shy,’ said Frensic. ‘I mean he insists on using a nom de plume.’

  ‘A nom de plume?’ said Piper, amazed that an author didn’t want his name on the cover of his book.

  ‘It’s tragic really,’ said Sonia. ‘He’s having to throw away two million dollars because he can’t go.’

  ‘Two million dollars?’ said Piper.

  ‘And all because he’s got osteoarthritis and the American publisher insists on his making a promotional tour and he can’t do it.’

  ‘But that’s terrible,’ said Piper.

  Frensic and Sonia nodded more gloomily than before.

  ‘And he’s got a wife and six children,’ said Sonia. Frensic started. The wife and six children weren’t in the script.

  ‘How awful,’ said Piper.

  ‘And with terminal osteoarthritis he’ll never write another book.’ Frensic started again. That wasn’t in the script either. But Sonia ploughed on. ‘And maybe with that two million dollars he could have taken a new course of drugs …’

  Frensic hurried away for some more drinks. This was really laying it on with a trowel.

  ‘Now if we could only get someone to take his place,’ said Sonia looking deeply and significantly into Piper’s eyes. ‘The fact that he is prepared to use a nom de plume and the American publisher doesn’t know …’ She left the implications to be absorbed.

  ‘Why can’t you tell the publisher the truth?’ he asked.

  Frensic, returning this time with two singles and a triple for Piper, intervened. ‘Because Hutchmeyer is one of those bastards who would take advantage of the author and drop his price,’ he said.

  ‘Who’s Hutchmeyer?’ asked Piper.

  Frensic looked at Sonia. ‘You tell him.’

  ‘He just happens to be about the biggest publisher in the States. He sells more books than all the publishers in London and if he buys you you’re made.’

  ‘And if he doesn’t it’s touch and go,’ said Frensic.

  Sonia took up the running. ‘If we could get Hutchmeyer to buy Search your problems would be over. You’d have guaranteed sales and enough money to go on writing for ever.’

  Piper considered this glorious prospect and sipped his triple gin. This was the ecstasy he had been waiting so many years for, the knowledge that at last he was going to see Search in print and if Hutchmeyer could be persuaded to buy it … ah bliss! An idea grew in his befuddled mind. Sonia saw it dawning and jogged it along.

  ‘If there was only some way of bringing you and Hutchmeyer together,’ she said. ‘I mean, supposing he thought you had written Pause …’

  But Piper was there already. ‘Then he’d buy Search,’ he said, and was smitten by immediate doubts. ‘But wouldn’t the author of the other book mind?’

  ‘Mind?’ said Frensic. ‘My dear fellow, you would be doing him a favour. He’s never going to write another book and if Hutchmeyer refuses to go ahead with the deal …’

  ‘And all you would have to do is go and take his place on the promotional tour,’ said Sonia. ‘It’s as simple as that.’

  Frensic put in his oar. ‘And you would be paid twenty-five thousand dollars and all expenses into the bargain.’

  ‘It would be marvellous publicity,’ said Sonia. ‘Just the sort of break you need.’

  Piper absolutely agreed. It was just the sort of break he needed. ‘But wouldn’t it be illegal? Me going around pretending I’d written a book I hadn’t?’ he asked.

  ‘You’d naturally have the real author’s permission. In writing. There would be nothing illegal about it. Hutchmeyer wouldn’t have to know, but then he doesn’t read the books he buys and he’s simply a businessman in books. All he wants is an author to go round signing books and putting in an appearance. In addition to which he has taken an option on the author’s second novel.’

  ‘But I thought you said the author couldn’t write a second book?’ said Piper.

  ‘Exactly,’ said Frensic, ‘so Hutchmeyer’s second book from the same author would be Search for a Lost Childhood.’

  ‘You’d be in and made,’ said Sonia. ‘With Hutchmeyer behind you, you couldn’t go wrong.’

  They went round the corner to the Italian restaurant and continued the discussion. There still something bothering Piper. ‘But if Corkadales want to buy Search isn’t that going to make things difficult? They know the author of this other book.’

  Frensic shook his head. ‘Not a chance. You see we handled his work for him and he can’t come to London so it’s all between the three of us. No one else will ever know.’

  Piper smiled down into his spaghetti. It was all so simple. He was on the brink of recognition. He looked up into Sonia’s face. ‘Oh well. All’s fair in love and war,’ he said, and Sonia smiled back. She raised her glass. ‘I’ll drink to that,’ she murmured.

  ‘To the making of an author,’ said Frensic.

  They drank. Later that night in Frensic’s flat in Hampstead Piper signed two contracts. The first sold Search for a Lost Childhood to Corkadales for the advance sum of one thousand pounds. The second stated that as the author of Pause O Men for the Virgin he agreed to make a promotional tour of the United States.

  ‘On one condition,’ he said as Frensic opened a bottle of champagne to celebrate the occasion.

  ‘What’s that?’ said Frensic.

  ‘That Miss Futtle comes with me,’ said Piper. There was a bang as the champagne cork hit the ceiling. On the sofa Sonia laughed gaily. ‘I second that motion,’ she said.

  Frensic carried it. Later he carried a very drunk Piper through to his spare room and put him to bed.

  Piper smiled happily in his sleep.

  5

  Piper awoke next morning and lay in bed with a feeling of elation. He was going to be published. He was going to America. He was in love. Suddenly everything he had dreamt of had come true in the most miraculous fashion. Piper had no qualms. He got up and washed and looked at himself in the bathroom mirror with a new appreciation of his previously unrecognized gifts. The fact that his sudden good fortune was derived from the misfortune of an author with terminal arthritis no longer disturbed him. His genius deserved a break and this was it. Besides, the long years of frustration had anaesthetized those
moral principles which so informed his novels. A chance reading of Benvenuto Cellini’s autobiography helped too. ‘One’s duty is to one’s art,’ Piper told his reflection in the bathroom mirror as he shaved, adding that there was a tide in the affairs of men which taken at its flood led on to fortune. Finally there was Sonia Futtle.

  Piper’s dedication to his art had left him little time for real feelings for real people and that little time he had devoted to avoiding the predatory advances of several of his landladies or to worshipping at a distance attractive young women who stayed at the boarding-houses he frequented. And those girls he had taken out had proved, on acquaintance, to be uninterested in literature. Piper had reserved himself for the great love affair, one that would equal in intensity the affairs he had read about in great novels, a meeting of literary minds. In Sonia Futtle he felt he had found a woman who truly appreciated what he had to offer and one with whom he could enter into a genuine relationship. If anything more was needed to convince him that he need have no hesitation in going to America to promote someone else’s work it was the knowledge that Sonia was going with him. Piper finished shaving and went out into the kitchen to find a note from Frensic saying he had gone to the office and telling Piper to make himself at home. Piper made himself at home. He had breakfast and then, taking his diary and bottle of evaporated ink through to Frensic’s study, settled down at the desk to write his radiant perceptions of Sonia Futtle in his diary.