by Nathan Jones
She bit her lip miserably, then continued in a tiny voice. “But if you rejected me, if you left me one day and broke my heart, I don't think I'd be able to bear it. How can you know how to withstand the shock of a wound when you've never been wounded before? I can hardly bear to lose you now, when we're still getting to know each other. If we ever developed true and lasting love then losing you would destroy me, I know it.”
“Callista,” he said, reaching out as if he could touch her through all the lightyears that separated them.
The silvery-haired woman almost angrily wiped at her red-rimmed eyes. “Anyway, even if Bruce is a pale substitute for you at least he can't hurt me. That's why I think you and I can remain friends, and I'll always treasure you as that, but that's all we should be.”
“I'd never leave you,” he said fervently, blinking away his tears. “I'd never reject you. I-I love you.”
Callista flinched as if he'd shouted at her. “You might think that, might even believe it with all your heart, but no one knows better than I do how human minds are ruled by emotion. Nothing stays constant for us, especially not feelings. Not for a year and certainly not for centuries.” She sucked in a shuddering breath. “Please, Tych, I can't. I can't risk that kind of pain, I'm not strong enough.”
Her image abruptly disappeared from his display as she terminated the face-to-face.
Tycho curled up on his couch like a wounded animal, hugging his knees. He'd expected to feel something, but instead the chaotic swirl of emotions that had nearly overpowered him during the call had been replaced by a terrible numbness.
He recognized that numbness: it was the same he'd felt in his shoulder when the wolf bit him, a prelude to the most terrible pain he'd ever felt. Worse pain than he'd even known was possible. The sensation wasn't physical, but in some ways that was even worse because Eva couldn't heal him from this, couldn't regenerate his flesh and cleanse the pathogens and numb the fiery ache.
The void of what was missing in his life had just been replaced by a terrible, terrible wound. Something far worse than if he'd never left his sensory deprivation bubble at all.
Maybe Callista was right that it was better to take no risks in order to avoid this pain.
“Eva,” he mumbled, voice broken and pathetic in his ears.
That was all, and it was all that was needed. Just that suddenly his companion was there, taking him in her arms and soothing him with gentle touches and gentle words. Tycho buried his head in her soft, comforting warmth and let the tears come.
He'd hoped she could ease some of this hurt with her presence, but it was as if there was an impenetrable barrier around his pain that her comfort couldn't touch. Maybe because she wasn't real. Her comfort wasn't real.
What he'd just lost with Callista was all too real, and no matter how Eva might try she couldn't replace it.
* * * * *
“Tycho!” Maurice said warmly. “What can I do for you?”
Tycho forced down a surge of annoyance. “Then same thing I've been trying to get you to do for weeks now!” he snapped. “Tell me when would be a good date for my next face-to-face with my mother.” The companion opened his mouth, but he continued right over him. “No more excuses or distractions, Maurice. I need to speak to her, when can I?”
Maurice sighed and gave him a sympathetic look. “Miss Boralene informs me she does not feel up to speaking with you right now.”
Tycho waited for the companion to continue, but he didn't. He waited for several seconds with growing alarm as the implication of that set in: his mother hadn't announced a time frame for when she might be. “What, ever again?” he demanded incredulously.
“What an absurd idea,” Maurice replied primly. “Did I ever say that?”
“Come on, we both know how my mother is.” Tycho leaned forward, voice turning pleading. “Please, Maurice. She's the woman who gave me life, who raised me. I'm hurting right now, I need her advice.”
The companion looked deeply regretful as he answered. “I'm sorry, Tycho. Your mother is . . . deeply concerned with the way you've been acting recently. She doesn't want to have any part of it.” Tycho stared at him in dismay until he continued gently. “I've done my best to speak on your behalf, and will continue to do so. That's all I can say.”
Maurice's simile disappeared from the display and Tycho cursed and slumped back on the couch.
Well that was that. First his dad, then Callista, now his mother. He was more alone than when he'd started trying to have more interactions with real humans, and all he'd gotten for his efforts was deep, cutting pain and miserable loneliness.
Maybe this was why he was the only one who was even trying to find humans to make real friendships with, because everyone else knew this was where it would ultimately lead. Whatever companions lacked, at least with them you never found yourself in this position.
With a sigh Tycho headed to his sensory deprivation vat, planning to sink back into the data stream of information coming from Earth. What little of it wasn't being censored by the AI caretakers thanks to humanity's resolution to isolate the planet, that was.
He'd spent the past few days since Callista broke up with him either sleeping or in full immersion, studying Earth and browsing the hubs where discussions about the newly discovered world still raged. He threw his voice into those discussions where he could, and had been surprised to find that he was gaining a reputation as a leading expert on the forgotten colony.
Although like his former lover, most seemed to think he viewed the place with excessively rose-tinted glasses.
He gratefully sank into the vat's saltwater and entered full immersion. But as he was selecting the Earth data stream to begin browsing it he got a notification.
At first he assumed it was from his dad, an advertisement for a full immersion game. But after a brief perusal he realized it was a general notice sent out to all repeat fans of the Protean Nebulary Forces worlds, informing them of a new world the creative minds behind PNF had churned out in record time considering the recent release of Exigent.
The new world immediately got his attention based on its premise, since it was focused on the forgotten colony. They'd called it “Earth: First Words to First Steps in Space.”
Surprise turning to excitement, Tycho delved deeper into the notification, pulling up extra details.
The new game was touted as historically accurate, or at least as much as possible given the information they'd been able to gather and the newly imposed censorship. Its creators presented it as an opportunity to directly experience mankind's development on Earth through the tens of thousands of years since it was terraformed.
A player could put themselves into any era of history at any location on Earth. Or, as the developers teased in their promotional material, if a player wanted they could start at the very beginning and live all the way through to the present over countless lifetimes in slowest slowtime.
Tycho continued exploring the details and then the discussion hubs about the new game, excitement growing with everything he found; after so long being sick of those sorts of games, in spite of his desire to spend time with his dad in them, he'd finally found a full immersion world he wanted to try.
Once he'd properly studied up on First Words to First Steps in Space he eagerly called his dad to invite him to join in.
But to his shock when Alia appeared it was to apologize on Dorain's behalf, who for the first time in Tycho's life refused to talk to him. “What do you mean, doesn't want to talk?” he demanded.
The petite, inky-haired woman gave him an apologetic smile. “He's already sunk deep into Protean Nebulary Forces: Exigent and doesn't want to split his time with two different experiences.”
Tycho was deeply disappointed by that unexpected response. Not only had he been overjoyed by the thought of finally having something to do with his dad, but he'd wanted to show him the wonder of Earth and what it was like to live with so many other humans in a realistic environment.
“Well can you let Dad know that if he changes his mind I'll be eager to see him on full immersion Earth?” he told her.
That was when he received his second surprise. Alia shook her head regretfully. “Dorain is . . . not enamored with Earth. He strongly disagreed with the resolution to leave the planet alone rather than bringing them civilization and ending their suffering and strife. Since it passed in spite of his objections he has no intention of having anything to do with the barbaric cultures there, even in game form.”
Tycho's heart sank. “So he never wants to try First Words to First Steps in Space, not even when he gets bored of Exigent?”
“I'm sorry, Tycho.” She hesitated. “I hope you'll reconsider joining him on Exigent. Or if not that, at least keep calling him even if he refuses to answer for the next little while. He may be sulking now but I know he misses you, and I'll try to convince him to not to abandon his relationship with you over simple differences of opinion.”
After the companion disappeared from his display he sat pensively. He could try Callista, he supposed; even though she'd broken up with him she kept to her promise of keeping him as a friend. She'd been regularly sending him messages about discussions she was in that he might find interesting, or things she'd discovered while browsing the allnet that made her think of him.
He hadn't had the courage to request a face-to-face since she'd called things off, and she hadn't either, but perhaps she'd be receptive an offer to join him on First Words to First Steps in Space. It might be a way for them to start to rebuild their relationship.
But her answer was even more disappointing. After he had a brief discussion with Bruce the companion reluctantly announced that she was willing to talk to him, although when the silvery-haired woman came up on his display she seemed more than a little reserved.
“What can I do for you, Mister Boraline?” she asked, polite to the point of formality.
Tycho's heart broke again at her coolness, at being able to see her lounging there beautiful but remote. They'd gone from being a stellar merger, as she'd joked, back to being distant stars in each other's skies. Was this invitation just a futile attempt to get back with her?
No, he sincerely enjoyed her company and was happy to spend time with her. Even if it could never be what he really wanted, what according to her was what they both really wanted.
“Hey Calli,” he said, trying to keep his tone upbeat. “There's a new full immersion game out that's all about Earth.”
“Yes, I'm well aware,” she said, not showing any enthusiasm.
His hope shriveled a little more, but he persisted. “I was wondering if you'd like to join me trying it out.”
The beautiful woman shuddered in sincere revulsion. “So I can experience being raped and murdered as often as I like?” she demanded. He gave her a shocked look and she continued heatedly. “Didn't you know? From the sounds of it the creators of the game are being honest about their “historical accuracy”, but they're tailoring it to the sorts of fetishists who go in for indulging some of their darkest impulses.”
Tycho blinked, heart sinking for a different reason. “They aren't really,” he said doubtfully. “Why focus on that, with all the potential for real experiences with other humans in cultures that foster peaceful interaction?”
Callista gave him a sympathetic look. “Peaceful is boring, darling. I know how much it appeals to you, but I have a feeling this new Earth game is going to end up in one of those tawdry corners of the allnet. Places where the less savory sort go to get away with doing socially unacceptable things for the thrill of the experience, all with the excuse of “learning about Earth's cultures.”
“I hope not,” Tycho said firmly. “But I want to give it a try even so. Earth has what I'm looking for, I'm sure of it, and I want to see if I can find it in the game.”
“Well count me out.” His friend started to end the call, then hesitated, looking at him with sadness in her smoky eyes. “It was good to hear your voice, Tych. I'm glad you still want to talk to me, even if we're not, if we can't . . .” she trailed off, looking almost miserable. “Just, thanks for calling.”
Then she was gone. Tycho ended up going to the full immersion Earth alone.
It was an incredible experience, for a while. He got to see all the various unique cultures and explore the way humans across the various ages and in all parts of the world lived. He probably learned more about Earth's history from it than he knew about the history of his own universe-spanning civilization, and in finer detail. When he verified the facts the game world presented using other sources he found them to be remarkably accurate, which made him feel better about trusting his experiences in the world.
And he developed skills that, while mostly useless in his day to day life, were none the less fascinating and reasonably satisfying to gain mastery in. He learned about prominent historical figures and got a glimpse into their minds and saw the methods they used to lead and inspire.
And he spent what most would probably consider an embarrassing amount of time living simple, peaceful lives in random rural villages, struggling day to day to survive and becoming a member of the community, growing closer and closer to the AI humans he dwelt among.
But unfortunately, just as Callista had warned the peace in even those out of the way places never lasted long. No matter how remote the location eventually war, violence, or internal strife always reared its ugly head. Tycho fought to defend his villages a few times, but he had no stomach for the ugly realism of the fighting and eventually found himself fleeing.
Something he ended up doing more and more, as violence seemed to spread to every age and corner of the world like some sort of madness.
In fact, in spite of the creators' claims about realism it soon got to the point where the full immersion Earth was little more than brutality, horror, and depravity. Tycho eventually got fed up with it and went to great effort to create a modification to the world that tried to be more reasonable, showing that all those brutal aspects of human cultures on the forgotten colony were the exception to the norm, and generally a rare one.
His world showed how most ordinary people were nearly untouched by violence in their day to day lives, which generally tended to be peaceful and productive, focused on providing and caring for families. The times of strife where violence and horror became common were infrequent, and served as a counterpoint to the peaceful times that reminded people of just how bad things had become and that action was needed to fix it.
But to Tycho's dismay his modified world was almost universally panned as naively idealistic, even utopian. Somehow, probably thanks in large part to the influence of First Words to First Steps in Space, humanity's view of Earth had become one of an almost cartoonish hellscape, where people lived short, brutal lives of misery, all alone and surrounded by people who wanted to hurt or use them.
It broke Tycho's heart to see all the good aspects of human life on the new planet being ignored in favor of the more titillating dark aspects. Callista had been right when she told him peaceful was boring.
It also made it easier to see the less than ideal aspects of their own universe-spanning society. The petty childishness and self indulgence of its people, and their smug superiority and judgmental nature. Their willingness to accept the popular explanation for something, even if it was untrue or an outright lie, rather than try to find any answers for themselves.
Then again, he saw many of those same behaviors on Earth; maybe those things weren't the failure of their society but aspects of human nature that had to be personally overcome.
“Aren't the caretakers going to correct people's misconceptions about Earth?” Tycho asked Eva in frustration a few days after his modified full immersion world launched. He'd turned to her as a friend and comforting presence after Callista broke off their courtship, and felt better having her reassuring presence as his life seemed to spiral more out of control around him with each passing day.
His companion paused rubbing his back
to answer. “It's our job as AI to protect and advise, not command or control. We've faithfully provided the facts to everyone who desired them, but we can't control how they interpret them.”
He snorted in frustration and rolled onto his back, looking up at her. “Well can't you try a bit harder to “faithfully provide the facts”? People think you can't walk five feet on Earth without getting robbed or shot. If you're lucky.”
Eva hesitated. “It's not exactly detrimental to our society to consider one that's far more dangerous and chaotic to be an example we should avoid emulating.”
“Even if it means misrepresenting it?” Tycho demanded. He continued before she could say anything. “What about the good things from Earth? Aren't those worth emulating?”
Instead of answering Eva rested a hand on his chest. “You've been on edge since Callista changed your relationship to being friends. Tense, moody.”
“Why wouldn't I be? She passed up chance for a life with me, a life we both seemed to want, because she was afraid it might end badly in some vague future. Why shouldn't that be incredibly depressing and frustrating?”
“I know that was painful for you.” His companion gently caressed him, lowering her voice to one she used in their more tender moments. “You told me you didn't want me while you were with Miss Ensom. Since that situation has changed, by all appearances permanently, do you still feel that way?”
Tycho hesitated. He didn't still feel that way, actually; being with Eva right now would be a tremendous comfort, a welcome relief from all the frustration and loneliness he was dealing with.
But for some reason he still gently took her hand and moved it away. “It seems as if I do.”
“I understand.” She got back to massaging his muscles, letting the conversation end there.
Two weeks after his modified world launched it was taken off the allnet by popular demand, “historical inaccuracies” being the reason provided. The stain on his reputation from the failed world led to people being increasingly critical of his comments in discussions about Earth, until his status as a foremost expert on the newly discovered world was in shambles.