They said their good-byes, and she headed up to the greenhouse to start another day. She was working hard to keep her emotions in check. Self-doubt was sinking her down lower and lower as the elevator rose. The doors opened, and she was surprised to see Ursa in front of the door by herself.
“Good morning,” Freya said, trying to sound as if she were a friendly and outgoing person. “Is the door still locked?” To her surprise, Ursa moved toward her, and lifted her arms.
“I do hope you are feeling better today. Change can be so hard,” she said loudly, and then pulled Freya into a very unexpected embrace. “Please meet me tonight at the common room. Come alone,” she whispered in her ear. Then she let her go but took her hands. “We are all so happy to have you here. I do hope you feel welcome.”
Just then the elevator opened again, and Cady was the one behind the door.
“Good morning, ladies. Wow, two early birds. I expected this from Freya, but I have never seen you here so early, Ursa,” Cady said.
“Oh, you know, one of those mornings. I didn’t even realize I was early until I came to a locked door.”
Cady looked at her sympathetically and grabbed onto her hand. “One day at a time, Ursa. It will get easier,” Cady said to her and turned to look at Freya. “Same for you. I can’t imagine why you would have left the State house to come here, but it will get easier for you, too—just have to take it all one day at a time.”
Freya nodded and tried to smile. “Thank you, Cady. I am still kind of embarrassed about yesterday,” she said, now genuinely holding back a few tears.
“Don’t be. We have all done it at least once,” Cady said.
“Some of us more than once,” Ursa added in with a sheepish look.
After they entered the greenhouse, the conversation was over, and they got straight to work. Everyone was still filtering through by the time they were already deep in the dirt. This was a very large greenhouse; it covered four apartment buildings with connecting bridges in between. Freya found it odd that only the elevator from one building gave access to the greenhouse. Then again, it only took a limited labour force to run a greenhouse.
Freya worked quickly; she was nervous all day. The shock of Ursa’s offer had her feeling shaken. She still did not feel ready to do this, and to make that feeling worse, Ursa had requested she come alone. Freya couldn’t even hide behind Lewis and have him there to gloss over any mistakes she made.
He had obviously been right: Ursa did approach her simply from knowing who she was. It was her raw emotions that had made Ursa come to her. She couldn’t even imagine what she would say to her. Was she going to tell me she knew I was a spy and despised me? That I was a terrible partner to Colin and even though she was sad he left, she was glad he got away from me? She kept running scenarios through her mind, all of them terrifying. The day passed quickly. Why do days always go so fast when I don’t want them to?
Freya didn’t ask Ursa what time she was going to the common room. She simply went back to the apartment and changed into exercise clothing.
“Hey, you ready to go and work out?” Lewis smiled.
“I don’t know what else to do,” she exclaimed. He looked at her sideways, and instead of asking, just waited for her to explain. “Ursa came early today and pretended to hug me because I was upset yesterday and told me to meet her in the common room tonight. She didn’t tell me what time. I thought I should go to exercise first because if I sat there for hours on end waiting for her I would look suspicious.”
“Well, look at you. That is exactly what I would have told you to do. See? You’re getting the hang of this.”
Freya let out an exasperated sigh. “I have to go alone. But I can’t do this without you.”
“Yes, you can. Let’s go exercise, and I will tell you I have a headache and so you decide to go to the common room alone,” he said. “This is really great, Freya. My one piece of advice to you is listen more than you speak. She invited you, so you just let her talk. You know your cover story inside and out—stick to it. If she invites you to go anywhere with her, say no. If you go with her too willingly, she might be testing you to see if you are a spy. Just tell her you should check up on me, and you enjoyed talking to her.”
Freya nodded as she replayed the plan over and over in her mind. Her confidence had risen slightly from where it had been earlier in the day, but she still had her reservations. They headed off to the gym together, and Freya almost lost her nerve when she saw Ursa there. It was a running day for them, and so even though Ursa was on a bike, they still stuck to their schedule. After the run, Lewis led her over to the mats for their stretching and cool down.
“Don’t you want to do pull-ups today?” she asked Lewis.
“No, sorry. I have had a bit of a headache all day. I hoped the run would clear it up, but it just made it worse. I think I need to just go back to the apartment and lie down,” he said.
While they ate dinner, Freya mentioned that if he needed rest, she could go to the common room as to not disturb him. She changed into free time clothing and headed down. Ursa was there already, and to her surprise, sitting right in the centre of the room. Freya decided it would be best to not walk directly over to her. She went and looked at games and puzzles for a while until Ursa called her name.
“Freya.” She waved. “Are you here alone tonight?” she yelled across the room.
“Yeah, Lewis is under the weather, so I thought I would come here to let him rest,” she said as she closed the distance between them.
“Oh, well, why don’t you join me then?” She gestured to the puzzle on the table in front of her. Everything she said was at a slightly higher volume than it needed to be. It was obviously a performance for the cameras. Once Freya sat down, Ursa kept her eyes on the puzzle and her voice low. “Thank you for meeting me,” she said softly.
“You’re welcome. It worked out perfectly for me,” she replied, matching her low tone.
“Freya, do you know who I am?” Freya simply looked at her in surprise. Ursa looked in her eyes for a moment, and then looked back down at the puzzle. “Please try not to react to what I tell you. I don’t want Security to know we are having this conversation. Let them think we are talking about the greenhouse,” she said, and Freya nodded. “I am Colin’s mother.”
Although she already knew this, she didn’t have to act. Even hearing his name was enough to upset her. Her eyes glazed over with tears, but she managed to hold them back.
“Oh,” was all she was able to say.
“I wanted to let you know that I know who you are, and I wanted you to know who I am,” Ursa said.
“Colin never told me his mother was a greenhouse worker.”
“No, he wouldn’t have. He made Oedipus jokes when he was paired with someone who had the same civil duty as me. It kind of bothered him,” she answered.
Freya raised an eyebrow, “I don’t know about that,” she replied. “His new partner is a greenhouse worker. I thought he had a type.”
“What do you mean, his new partner?” Ursa asked, in a louder voice than intended.
Freya had a hard time holding back the tears. “You don’t know, do you?”
“Don’t know what, Freya?” she asked, keeping the tone of her voice more neutral.
“Never mind then—it’s not important.” She then pulled her hair out of the bun so it fell around her face. If she was going to start crying, she didn’t want anyone else to see.
“Are you saying they already coupled him before he even gets there? That doesn’t make any sense,” Ursa said.
“It was part of the deal. If he went to colonize, he got to be coupled with the girl he really wanted,” she said, no longer fighting the tears.
“No, Freya, no—that’s not true. Don’t believe a single word they told you. It’s all a lie,” she said in an angry whisper.
“Do you really want to say this to me? There are cameras everywhere,” Freya whispered back.
“Cameras are along
the outside walls of the room. They can’t pick us up with this many people here. I would be more worried about being overheard by the wrong person than by the cameras,” Ursa explained. “You can’t believe a single word they told you, not a one. Colin loved you, and they took him against his will. I am sure of it!”
“Well, I’m not sure why you think that, but I know that it’s true. He made a deal right after we were coupled, and he was having an affair the whole time. That’s why I had to leave the State house. I just couldn’t stand being reminded of my life with him anymore.” Tears freely ran down her face.
“Well, I am glad you left the State house. Those bastards have completely brainwashed you. They lied to you, Freya—all of it. They took Colin because it was convenient to them. He would have never chosen to go. He would never have left you,” Ursa said.
Freya wiped away her tears. The mission be dammed; I can’t do this.
“I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear the truth about who your son really was. I know it’s true, and I am trying my best to move on with my life. He almost destroyed me.” She sniffed. “I can’t talk about this anymore. I have to go.” She got up and left the table.
Ursa didn’t follow her, or urge her to come back. She simply spoke to her in the voice that the cameras might pick up. “Good to see you, Freya. Go check on that man of yours. I hope he’s feeling better.”
Freya walked with her head low, trying to conceal her red, swollen eyes with her hair. The common room was attached to her apartment building, and so the commute home wasn’t far. She went straight into the bedroom, and Lewis almost jumped up the second she closed the door.
“What happened?” he asked in a panic.
“I can’t do this. We should leave,” she said, no longer holding back the sobs.
Lewis grabbed onto her and pulled her into a hug, and just let her cry for a while. He guided her over to the bed, and laid down while holding her securely tucked against him. He let her cry for what felt like an eternity, softly rubbing her back.
“When you are ready, tell me everything. I know you think you failed, but you might have done something good here. Please just tell me, and if it was that bad I will ask for an extraction.”
Freya began slowly, and replayed the conversation to him. He gave her all the time she needed, and encouraged her along the way. Once she was done explaining, he simply held her and comforted her again.
“So are you going to ask for an extraction?”
“I’m sorry, Freya, but I can’t,” he answered.
“But I can’t do this. I didn’t learn anything. I just sat there and cried until I had to leave. If I can’t even stay and finish that conversation, how can I finish this mission?”
The corners of Lewis’s mouth twitched; he was repressing a smile. “I know you are upset, and so you can’t see things clearly right now, but you actually uncovered a lot. And I think the fact that you left did nothing but validate your cover story. A real spy has control over their emotions, and they would never leave their target for anything. You just proved to her that you are who you say you are: a girl who moved here to heal from a broken heart,” he said with a very satisfied look on his face.
“Okay, so maybe I validated my cover as you say, but I didn’t uncover anything. I think you are lying to try to get me to stay.”
“Yes, you did. Members of the rebellion are aware of where the cameras can pick up conversations and where there are blind spots. She also said you were brainwashed and didn’t believe the information given to you. That implies she has strong feelings against the State—most rebels think that they lie about everything. That alone is enough to convict a person of treason,” he finished.
“So that’s it. We’re done now?”
“No, sorry, not even close. Our mission isn’t to catch the rebellion one person at a time. We need you to gain her trust. We want multiple names, their intentions, who’s in charge and so forth. I know this is hard for you to understand, but we are not just on track. We are way ahead. You did really well again tonight. I’m proud of you, Freya,” he said in a soothing voice.
“So I’m stuck here, then, in my own personal hell.” She shook her head as a bitter laugh escaped.
“I know it has taken a lot to deal with what Colin did to you. I can’t even imagine what it would feel like to hear her say exactly what the wounded part of you had desperately wanted to hear all along,” he said softly.
Freya instantly burst into tears again. She may have been alright if he had not used the word desperate. It was true, and that was why it stung. There were times when she would have done anything just to have someone tell her that he loved her and wanted to stay with her, that it was all a lie about him leaving her. All of the time she spent in bed, medicated, she could have mourned his loss like a death and remembered him fondly, but that was not the case. The information had made her nearly hate herself. Hate herself for being so stupid, so gullible, but mostly, for loving him.
“You have done all this work to get better, to get past this. I am sure what she said has set you back quite a bit. You have seen the evidence; you know the State has no reason to lie to you. It might have been easier for them to tell you they took him against his will and given you some noble reason if they wanted to lie. I know Victor cares for you deeply. He almost lied—he tried to keep part of the truth from you to protect you,” Lewis said. “This is just the beginning, Freya. The rebellion is going to tell you so many lies. It takes work, and it is not easy, but you have to stay strong and keep a clear mind. That is why you had to study all that history. You have to remember what you are fighting for.”
Freya was still racking with sobs. Everything Lewis said made sense, but she just didn’t have enough control over her emotions yet.
He reached out for her and pulled her close. He rubbed her back like he always did when he was comforting her, but he also occasionally whispered something soothing in her ear. He would say he was proud of her, she did well, she was strong. He did all these things, but he also just let her cry. He was so gentle with her, so good to her whenever she was upset; part of her wished he had been there all along. She wondered whether all people in the military were like this, whether it was part of their personality profile or part of their training.
As she began to regain control of herself, she looked up at Lewis. Part of her wanted to ask him about his composure, but part of her didn’t know what to say. She wanted to express her gratitude for his encouragement and support, for keeping her sane, continuously—he had been such a good friend and protector. She kept looking at him, struggling for words.
He looked back at her, and then touched her face; his fingers ran up and down her cheek, then moved to her jaw, and then her lips. She closed her eyes—his touch felt so amazing—before she realized what was happening, he kissed her. He kissed her once softly, only dwelling for a moment, and then pulled back. Without even having a conscious thought, Freya leaned in and kissed him again. His hold on her tightened as he deepened the kiss between them.
This was no show for the cameras, something to validate their cover. Lewis was no longer trying to comfort her. He had said there was no expectation, but a romance could blossom between them. He had always been so distant in a way, and now she could see he had been holding back. He wanted her; she knew this now. A distant voice in her mind told her to stop, told her she wasn’t ready for this—but the truth was, she couldn’t stop. Her hands started to explore his chiseled body, and his hands began to do the same to her.
Freya knew this wasn’t love—she knew it—but she didn’t know whether she believed there was such a thing as love anymore.
Chapter 12
When the alarm went off in the morning, they got up and followed their routine as if everything was normal. They took turns showering, got dressed, had a breakfast bar—but things were not normal, at least not their version of normal. He walked her to the elevator and kissed her good-bye. The kiss was the same as he had done before: i
t was just enough to put on a show of being a normal couple, which they weren’t—yet they both carried with them the afterglow from the previous evening. They may not be a normal couple, but they definitely appeared to be.
She went on with her day in the greenhouse; the only difference was that she specifically avoided any contact with Ursa. The mission be damned—she just couldn’t do it, she couldn’t fulfill her role. If Freya had to walk past her, she would pick a different route to avoid being near her.
Her thoughts kept drifting to what had happened last night. She felt as if this was something that should make her mind race, yet it didn’t. There should be some big emotional breakdown or even a feeling of elation, but there wasn’t. It was almost weird she felt so calm about the situation. Whatever was happening between her and Lewis was nothing like when she was coupled with Colin, and maybe that was a good thing. There were so many highs and lows with Colin. So much passion, but also so much rage and heartbreak. It was ironic in a way: she felt more emotionally stable while having a love affair in a fake life with a trained killer than she did at times in her State appointed coupling.
The State Series Box Set Page 40