The military lived by a different set of rules, much like in independent living. There was no rule that said they could not fraternize, but she didn’t feel it was a good practice for someone in the running to become the head of State.
Nothing happened, except the treason, but that was not how it would appear to others. This, of course, didn’t need to be a conversation between them—Lewis obviously understood. He may come to visit her time to time, and he would leave just as silently.
It was key for her to keep up appearances. The State wanted compliance, routine, and order, and so that is what she needed to give them. She changed into her exercise clothing and went to the small room.
Now that Lewis was in her life again, she could admit she always missed him every time she had exercised. He was such good company in that way, continually pushing her, but making sure she was pushing safely. She always paired the exercise bike with strength training; she could push harder on her training that way. Running would always be her favorite, and after a good, long run was the perfect time to focus on her flexibility. Lewis had taught her that, and she continued with the ritual all these years without him.
After she finished her workout, she showered and got dressed. A part of her was relieved that the garden was finished, and it would be her usual routine as normal. Devina may be her ally, but there was something about her Freya found annoying. It could just be her youth, or perhaps it was because she was a little ditzy. Females in independent living were different; she hadn’t had to be around anyone like Devina since she went to school.
She worked throughout the day, happy to have a distraction from her thoughts. It would be so easy to dissect her meeting with the Council the previous night, or her encounter with Lewis. There was something even deeper that she didn’t want to think about. Could I ever really love again?
All the thoughts and emotions tried to surface at some point throughout the day, and she continually pushed everything back down in a forced calm. If the State was to arrest her, they would have done it by now. If she had done well in her interview, she wouldn’t know anything for quite some time. The situation with Lewis—well, that needed time to sort itself out on its own.
The day had passed, not particularly quickly or slow, but it had passed. Making it through a day when there was so much going on felt like its own victory. The Council would be that much closer to making a decision. She had made it one more day without being betrayed or caught. Every day meant she was closer to the end, or a change of some kind. The monotony of her life was eating at her.
She headed back to her apartment, and just after she finished eating her evening meal, there was a soft knock from under the floor.
She didn’t get up or call out, and the floor hatch opened softly a moment later. Lewis climbed inside her apartment and closed the access door. He didn’t say anything; he simply walked over to her and grabbed her pulling her body against his and he kissed her passionately.
She almost couldn’t respond she was so caught off guard. She shouldn’t have been surprised; he had been open about his feelings for her. It was more the aggression in the act; it in its own way was quite bold, which wasn’t at all what he had been like intimately when they had lived together. He had grabbed her so intensely, the top button of her uniform ripped off.
“Is this such a good idea?” She pulled herself away.
Lewis just cupped her face in his hands. “I don’t know if we will have many other opportunities like this. I don’t even know if we will live through this.” He kissed her again more gently. “Please, make love to me,” he whispered to her as she tried to pull away from him again. She looked at him for a moment; his eyes begged her to give in. He kissed her again, but this time she started to kiss him back.
Her head said no, but her body was aching for human contact more than she had even realized. She wasn’t sure if she had been repressing a flame in her heart for him, or if she was just so sick of her life. There was no purpose to having a love affair with him, but it was something she had a choice to do or not to do, and that made it more appealing.
He led her over to the bed, and she pulled his shirt off and ran her hands over his chest and arms. He was still a very muscular man, but his body had changed in the time that had passed. Her fingers kept discovering scars as she traced her fingertips along his skin, little bumps and lines that had not been there in his youth.
His skin felt different; it was softer and more pliable. His kiss was different also. He used to wait for her to instigate anything physical, in which he always proceeded gently and cautiously. Now his kiss was hungry and desperate, as though he were trying to make up for their lost time together in just one night. He seemed to have lost the patience he once had; it almost seemed he was barely in control of himself during their lovemaking.
“I love you,” he said softly to her, caressing her face.
She didn’t know what to say. No matter what she said, it would be wrong because she could not say to him what he wanted to hear most.
“Can I sleep here with you again tonight?” She simply nodded in reply, not quite trusting her voice to speak. “We are going to be great together, you’ll see. You will even love me eventually. Someday I am going to be sneaking into your office to see you when you are the head of State.”
His last statement actually made her laugh.
“Well, there is the access in Victor’s office you could use,” she replied playfully.
It was not her admission of love, but it was something. A token acceptance that she could possibly make room for him in her life, even if she became the head of State.
“I know we can never be coupled, especially not now. But that doesn’t mean we can’t still be together. We just won’t be together as much as regular couples is all.” Something about the way he spoke was so idealistic; he sounded like a child. This was something kids did before they were coupled, not grownups.
It still warmed her heart at the thought of it. It wouldn’t be so bad to sneak about with him, would it? Can’t I have this one guilty pleasure? So much of her life had been spent in misery. Why not take this simple pleasure of a love affair, a companion, a friend? It couldn’t even be that frowned upon if they were discovered, not with his outstanding military record and their history together. It would also be nice to have a friend and a confidante.
At the very least, she knew she was in need of a distraction. She had been so on edge, it was difficult for her to look innocent even when she was. She should be thrilled, honored, to be in the running to possibly become the head of State, yet it was difficult for her to display the emotions she did not actually possess.
Perhaps he could bring her some joy and others would see that light burning inside her, and it could help the Council to see she had what it took to lead the people. If they were discovered, he was an upstanding member of the military; it was not as if he would hurt her reputation. It was not as though she had involved herself with a less desirable member of society.
Lewis got up from the small bed and picked his underclothing up off the floor. His gaze paused for a moment, and he bent down again, finding something small and dark on the floor.
“Oops, looks like I destroyed some State property.” He held the button from her uniform out to her.
Freya simply rolled her eyes and took the button from his hand, placing it on the table beside her.
“I may have never destroyed a uniform in this way before, but as a greenhouse worker, my uniforms need replacing regularly.”
“You better hold onto that, just to be safe. I bet it can get mended easily enough.” He crawled back into the bed beside her, nestling in.
“I’m sure the person who takes care of my laundry can see to it.” She pulled the bed covers up around her chin, and settled in, feeling the warmth of his body next to hers. It didn’t take long for either one of them to drift off to sleep.
That night formed their new routine. Once she was finished eating her meal, Lewis woul
d sneak up at the access and spend the night with her. He never spoke of his assignment, or how it was he could stay in one place for so long, and she never questioned it. No one let on to knowing about her nightly visitor either. Perhaps they had gotten away with it, or maybe people knew but no one concerned themselves with such a matter.
It almost felt as if she were living a chapter out of someone else’s life. His regular visitations had made each day feel so much shorter and her life more interesting. They would lie together and talk late into the night. Sometimes they spoke of deeply political matters, what the world would need for change; other times, they would speak of their pasts or reminisce about the time they had spent together on their mission.
There were moments where she ached for the twenty years lost between them. If only they could have spoken openly then, if they could have been honest about what they were feeling, they could have been together this entire time.
“Freya, do you think you will ever truly be able to forgive me for what I did?” he asked, which felt a little spontaneous and off topic for their normal pillow talk.
She let out a heavy sigh. That was a tough one. “I don’t really know,” she answered. “I know that if it wasn’t you, it would have been someone else. She was ready to die, and you had no choice.”
“You said no, and then you told me why you should. What is the catch?”
“If I use that logic to forgive you, it means I also have to forgive myself. Those two wounds are a package deal, and I don’t know I am capable of that.”
“I guess that makes sense.” He gave a little bitter laugh. “I know you don’t truly love me. I thought that was the reason why.”
Freya turned and tried to protest his statement. She was genuinely fond of him; the statement wasn’t totally accurate. She felt if they had met under different circumstances, if their lives had not followed such dark paths, she would love him, deeply.
He was of great value to her, as both a friend and an ally. If she were still the girl she was before Colin, or even before she became so deeply attached to Ursa, she would love Lewis with all her heart. The harsh truth of the matter was he would have been a far superior choice of a match for her than Colin ever was.
He silenced her protest before she could begin. “I know it. I know that you do care for me, in the way and to the depth that you are capable of, and it is okay. I am grateful to have what we do have. I never expected to have anything like this in my life. I can accept it. I just wanted to understand why. I thought it was that you still partially resented me, or it was Colin. I guess the answer is the latter.”
“It’s not Colin,” she said in protest.
“Don’t you think about him?” he asked. “The ship will be landing soon. If everything goes smoothly, you will see him again soon.”
“And I am now old enough to be his mother.”
Lewis looked a little taken back. “Oh, I don’t know why, but I never really thought of that.”
“He will be young, and I have grown up without him. Even if there wasn’t the age difference, even if he aged on the ship, I am not the person I was when he left. He wouldn’t even recognize me. We couldn’t just pick up where we left off.”
“But we did,” Lewis replied. “Do you not love him anymore?”
Freya huffed. That was a loaded question. “I guess I love the memory of him, but that is all it is. He is not a real person to me anymore, just a memory, a painful one. Besides, I still don’t know if he ever loved me, and that can change your perspective of a person over time.”
“So it is more the situation surrounding him. You loved him, and he was taken away from you, and now your mind can’t accept or let you love again.”
The truth of his words hit her. It hurt, but felt wonderful at the same time.
“I think that is my problem, or at least a large portion of it. I once also loved Victor like a father, like he was my family, and I feel like he betrayed me. Then I loved Ursa as a mother, and she was taken from me also. It was so much loss, all in such a short time frame; perhaps it made me stop believing that loving someone could bring anything into my life other than suffering. I think the greatest downfall of moving into independent living, I’ve had twenty years to focus on my grief, with no real joy to distract me from it, or to help me heal.”
“I can accept that,” he said. “We live in very unsure times. Just as I said many years ago, I am not in a place where I can make you any promises. There are very few members of the military who are older than me. I think it was the realization of my own mortality that gave me the nerve to tell you how I was feeling. I could be gone tomorrow, or you could. That is why I wanted to talk to you about this. Thank you for being honest. I just don’t want to have any last regrets, you know?”
She let his words sink in, and it stirred up more emotion in her than she would ever want it to—exposing an old wound. “Oh, do I ever.” A single tear fell down her cheek from a memory of things past. “Colin and I got into a big fight right before he left, and I let him leave thinking that I didn’t love him anymore.” She tried to get control of herself. “I care for you as much as I am capable of, that is the truth. If anything happens, I don’t want you to think otherwise, or that I am dwelling on something the State forced you to do.”
Lewis pulled her into him tighter, kissing her face and rubbing her back.
“Thank you,” he whispered between kisses. “There is only one more thing that needs to be said between us then.” He paused and gave her a moment to collect herself before he continued on. “I love you, but there is one thing more important to me than having you with me.” She looked at him, slightly confused. “It would be selfish of me to try to protect our relationship above anything else. I need you to know, the most important thing to me is to see you become the head of State, whatever the cost.”
“You mean you would leave me if our relationship was hurting my chances?” she asked.
“I mean I would do anything, and you need to remember that. If I see an opportunity, I will take it. And if that means you have to leave me behind, I need to know that you will. You may have to just walk out on me someday, or turn your back on me. Whatever it is, just do it. I am asking you to do the same thing Ursa did—keep moving forward, and never look back.”
“Are you asking me to turn you in?”
“No.” He paused. “Just know that if that time comes, if something were to happen, I am ready to die if it means you would become the head of State. If you don’t, I couldn’t live with myself if there was something I could have done but didn’t because I wanted to keep you to myself. Turn me in if you have to, or leave me for dead. Do what needs to be done. I can’t keep you anyway. The State takes from us what it wants; just look at Colin. This is not a time where people can stand up for each other. I accept this, and you need to also.”
Freya had no response. This little love affair had been a wonderful break from reality, and she didn’t want to have to go back to the harsh truths of her life.
“I need you to promise me.”
She knew what he was saying was right. What were the chances that the rebellion had gotten another person like her in the running? They still had their fallback plan of getting to the other world and destroying the transport device, but even that plan would go smoother with her in position. She knew it, but was not ready to commit to being willing to send Lewis to his death. This all felt too familiar. Why me? she wondered again.
Some people dreamed of taking power, of being someone important. All she wanted to do was spend time in the garden and come home to her partner. She was not a fighter; she was certainly no strategist. Why has the fate of the world fallen on my shoulders? If only she could afford a moment of self-pity, but she couldn’t. That was a luxury that didn’t exist in a time of battle. She would never understand why it had to be her; she simply had to accept that it was, and act accordingly.
“I promise,” she said simply, and then nestled into him. Their time together wou
ld most likely be short, as he said. But they were together, and that was all that truly mattered.
Chapter 8
“How are my herbs coming along?” Devina hovered over Freya while she worked, hunched over the flower bed.
“Fine,” she replied.
Devina made a slight face at her remark, and Freya realized Devina came out there with an agenda.
“Can you show me? I would like to see for myself how our lovely garden is growing.”
Freya stood up and started to walk toward the garden without saying more. She knew that no matter what she said, it would be the wrong thing. Considering she was known to be the quiet type, it only seemed logical to remain silent.
Devina followed her and started to chatter on about how excited she was to have fresh herbs at her fingertips. Freya wasn’t really listening; the conversation was just for show. They stood by the garden and Devina exclaimed in excitement at the small plants and hunched down to touch them. Freya leaned in closer, figuring she should also look interested from a distance.
The State Series Box Set Page 58