“When he looks at me, I get weak inside.”
“Caring about his opinion isn’t weak. My mom will get a certain expression that kills my resolve. Then, I must immediately fix whatever is bothering her. I know she manipulates me, but she’s my fucking mom. It’s normal to be a softie with our people.”
“I’m going to suck your cock so good tonight,” I say, raising my voice so the big family nearby can overhear.
Conor laughs at their reaction. “I went to school with the wife.”
“How is that possible when she has forty kids?”
“I think some of them are from his first wife’s uterus. I’ll be sure to ask for details at our high school reunion.”
Leaning into his hug, I stop worrying about dinner with Lowell and Topanga. We’ll get a meal, talk about whatever, and not take everything so serious. If Lowell decides I’m a mistake he can never accept, I’ll get my feelings hurt. That’s fine. I’m stronger than the first time it occurred. With Conor, I can build a good life in Elko, no matter what happens with my dad.
CONOR
Lowell decides on Bambi’s for dinner. He’s a creature of habit. Whenever new foods are offered at the community parties, he skips right over them. He’s worn the same haircut and beard combo since I was a kid.
That’s why I’m a little surprised by his sudden mood shift during the golf game. Not completely shocked, though. I saw the look he gave Bambi and Rooster after their kid fucked with Monroe so publicly. At least with Pixie, they jumped Anders’s woman in an empty bathroom. Last weekend, Taryn wanted to embarrass Monroe.
But Lowell isn’t the confrontational sort. He’s the soft touch to go with Bronco’s harder one. One of the only things Lowell does that Bronco can’t is physically fuck with Wyatt. Mainly because if my uncle ever hits my cousin, I suspect he might not be able to stop.
“Be square with me,” I say when the women are in the restroom. “Are you acting nice toward Monroe because of Topanga?”
“I’m always nice,” he mutters and studies the menu he’s seen a thousand times. Then, Lowell sets it on the table and sighs. “Why couldn’t Monroe have shown up at the community and just told me? I would have been shocked and probably distant, but we could have gotten the test and worked things out quietly.”
“You know why.”
“She got scared. Fine, but there were weeks when she could have taken me aside.”
“Yeah, but you know how easy it is to avoid ugly conversations. Besides, she probably would have told you sooner if I hadn’t called dibs. Monroe loves to fuck, but she wasn’t doing a dozen guys. Five or six into that train, and she would have blurted out the truth sooner.”
Chuckling at Lowell’s horrified expression, I mutter, “Stop being a church ninny. You know how things work, and so does Monroe. She also gets comfortable very quickly. That’s what happened here. She moved into the apartment, started her job, got tight with Amity, and didn’t have to fuck anyone. Life felt new and fun. Why rush to the scary part?”
“Fine. That’s what she needed. What I wish is to have kept shit quiet while I processed the new situation.”
“Because you’re embarrassed by Monroe.”
“I don’t even know her,” he says, glaring at me. “Why would I be embarrassed of a stranger?”
“Dude, what do you think would have happened if Monroe came here and found out you were a glue-sniffing kiddie diddler? Sure, you’d be her dad and a stranger, but I suspect she might have bailed right off. People judge people. I think you’ve judged her, and that’s the real sticking point. Not the honeys’ gossip. You just don’t want a kid like Monroe.”
“No, that’s not it, genius. My family is set. Topanga, Dunning, and me, that’s how it’s been for seventeen years. Other people added to their families. They expanded and lost people. Through it all, my family stayed just us three. I got used to that. Now, I have a daughter that I don’t know. I feel under attack. Not from her, but that’s how she sees it.”
“But deep inside, you had to know something like this could happen, right? I just can’t wrap my head around how you’re so startled by this reality. Bronco had three surprise babies. My dad knocked up a bunny. Other guys have kids from side fucks. Did you think your sperm got lucky one time with Topanga, and you were safe?”
“So, you’d be okay if a woman showed up pregnant or with your kid?”
“The entire point of having the bunnies locked down at the Overlook is so we don’t have to worry about condoms. But birth control isn’t magic. So, I’m always ready for one of the bunnies to turn up pregnant. Then again, I have a secret sister that everyone knows about.”
Rubbing his head, Lowell sighs. “I get it, alright? I do. I’m supposed to be happy to have a daughter, but I’m not allowed to be angry that she was kept from me for twenty years. I get it. If shit goes wrong, I’m the bad guy. Oh, and I’m expected to punish the club wife who scared off Needy. Okay, well, what would I do to that honey? Say it’s your mom or Bambi, what’s the price they would pay for what they did twenty years ago?”
“Freeze the bitch out,” I say immediately. “Look at how upset my mother got when Bronco wouldn’t let her come to his house. He still talked to her every day, but that little thing was a huge deal.”
“And if it’s your mother who threatened Needy?”
“I already told you what to do.”
Lowell frowns harder. “Needy could have contacted me.”
“You’ll need to let that go. She raised a good kid, and she filled that child’s head with cool stories about you. That’s all you’re going to get.”
“I guess. I find myself thinking of all the ways she should have contacted me. A letter in the mail. An email to the club account. She knew where I was.”
“You know the Bessie story. That’s what the bunnies think will happen when they get knocked up.”
“I know. I said I get it. But I think of how Wheels knew about Aja when she was little. They lived apart, but he had the chance to know her.”
“Is the sticking point that Monroe isn’t little? Bronco got cute kids while you got a full-grown daughter who cusses and fucks.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, don’t jerk Monroe’s heart around,” I say, irritated that he can’t get over his feelings long enough to put Monroe first. “If you can’t do the dad thing, be square with her.”
“Wait, so now you want me to give her the cold shoulder?”
“I don’t know,” I admit. “Monroe isn’t an emotional person, but that doesn’t mean I want her hurt. I saw the way she looked when you were nice to her during miniature golf. She can’t help getting her hopes up.”
“Hopes up? What does that mean? What does she want?”
“Needy painted you as a winner. A big strong biker man that people respected. Monroe’s family, the grandparents, I guess, were losers. Needy and her sister are women who relied heavily on their good looks to get by. There’s nothing to be proud of on the Hobbs’ side of the family. So Needy talked you up to Monroe. Her little girl was special because she came from your bloodline. We do that shit all the time in the Woodlands.”
“I still don’t get what she wants.”
“Well, what does Dunning want?”
“For me to buy him shit.”
Leaning back, I shake my head. “Bullshit. Dunning wants what all kids do. Sure, he acts cold now because he’s seventeen. But you know he wants your attention. Remember what a twat he was when you taught him to ride a Harley? All that drama, but he loved every damn second of your attention.”
Recalling how badly his boy controlled the bike at first, Lowell allows a little grin. “He gets so easily embarrassed by any small failure. I don’t remember being that way.”
“Because he takes after Topanga. Plus, his closest friends are all loud-and-proud girls.”
Lowell taps his fingers on the table. I study him for a long minute while wondering what’s the holdup with Monroe and Topanga. Then, I see a cha
nce to fuck with Lowell and can’t help myself.
“Wait, is your awkwardness with Monroe because you imagined fucking her?” I ask, fighting a grin.
Lowell’s angry expression answers my question. “I don’t cheat on Topanga. Even if I wanted to, she’s too insecure. She pretends to be okay with the bunnies. But if she knew I was hooking up with one, she’d fall apart. My goal in life is to avoid her freak-outs.”
“I didn’t ask if you would actually fuck Monroe. I asked if you imagined fucking her. Shit, I imagine fucking every woman I meet. Topanga, Pixie, Lana, hell, even DeAnna. I just wonder what it’d be like, but I don’t do anything even if they wanted to.”
“Never imagine fucking my wife.”
“Too late,” I say, smirking. “Like ten years too late. I first imagined banging her when I was a teenager. Can you blame me when she’s always flashing her long bare legs?”
“Knock it off,” he growls.
Laughing, I point at him. “That’s the problem, isn’t it? You probably had a naughty little fantasy about the new blonde bunny. Then, bam, she’s your kin, and you feel weird. We’ve all been there.”
“Have we all been there, asshole?”
“I hadn’t seen Aja since she was a kid. For years, we only talked on the phone. Before we met for the first time since she hit puberty, Aja warned me that she looked like a fat dude. She also said she was coming with her friend. So, when a hot chick showed up, I assumed it was the friend and had a quick fantasy. Then, Aja’s like ‘Hey, bro,’ and I had to shame my dick for a few minutes. Well, until I realized my dick was incapable of remorse, and I moved on with my life. You ought to do the same thing.”
“I never imagined anything.”
“Sure, sure. She was just a hot bunny that you could, in theory, fuck. However, your mind remains too pure to even consider what that might feel like.”
“She’s my kid,” he nearly hisses.
“But you didn’t know that.”
“I probably should have,” he says, running a hand through his still thick hair. “She kept eyeballing me, and I guess there’s probably a resemblance.”
“Lowell, calm the fuck down. It’s not that big a deal. Monroe is aware that you checked out her ass. Well, maybe not literally, but she’s kidded about what would have happened if you came on to her. It’s old news.”
“I just need time to get used to being a dad to someone who isn’t Dunning.”
“Well, you have plenty since I’m never letting Monroe leave Elko.”
“Let?” Lowell asks, giving me the same “dad look” Bronco wears when someone tries to set up Summer with a guy. “You need to give a girl some room.”
“Nope. Monroe isn’t like Topanga. There are no high drama moments. Monroe doesn’t freak out like my mom, either. She bottles up all her crap inside. If she doesn’t have a safe space, all that shit will overwhelm her one day. I’m her home. You should want that for your baby girl.”
“Dickhead,” he mutters, but I see him getting used to the idea of having two kids.
“Since the women are still screwing around in the restroom, I should tell you I’m trying to contact Needy. Monroe doesn’t know, and I have to be careful not to alert her uncle.”
“And how will you do that?”
“Aja’s planning to slip Needy a phone.”
Lowell’s expression screams “DANGER! DANGER!” even as he calmly explains, “Seems dicey to owe another club a favor.”
“I’m not asking a club. It’s my half-sister. With Needy in Kansas, Aja can get to her easier than I can.”
“How dangerous is Needy’s situation?” he asks.
“See, that’s the thing. Aja found out that Needy is married to a rich guy. Not super loaded, but his family has money. I assume Needy was married off by Clive. But she might have gone willingly, and that’s the real problem.”
“How do you figure?”
“Monroe believes Needy was forced to marry this guy. But what if she wants to be there? Finding out her mom ditched her will break Monroe’s heart.”
Lowell’s daddy vibes return when he asks, “What did Aja say?”
“She sent someone to watch Needy and get a feel for her schedule. When the opportunity arises, she’ll slip her a burner phone. I don’t know if Needy will call or if she’ll rat out her daughter. That’s why I haven’t told Monroe about my plan. She’s already dealing with a ton of shit. No reason to hit her with more.”
Lowell frowns. “We need to know about her uncle.”
“I already told you what I know.”
“His first name and the possible state he lives in.”
“She’s afraid if you know his name, you’ll go looking for more info and draw him here.”
“Yeah, then he’s our problem, and we deal with him.”
“What if he brings muscle?”
Lowell narrows his dark eyes, giving me eerie Monroe vibes. “Are you asking if I’ll hand over Monroe to her uncle?”
“If Clive shows up here with muscle and makes threats against the Woodlands, how quickly would the club hand over one stranger?”
“Forget the morality of handing her over. And how she’s your woman and my daughter,” he says, looking at me as if I’m a fucking moron. “If the Executioners bow to outsiders, we’ll be asking for every ally and enemy to fuck with us. We’ll be shouting to the fucking heavens that we’re weak enough to be removed. No one, not even Wyatt, is dumb enough to let an outsider start shit.”
“Good,” I say, hiding my relief. If Lowell pulled the “I’d never give up my baby girl” routine, I wouldn’t buy his shit. But he’s right that the club can’t afford to look weak.
By the time Monroe and Topanga return, I see my future more clearly. Monroe and I can remain in Elko, no matter what Uncle Clive—or even the worst Executioners troublemaker—wants.
MONROE
Topanga isn’t my type of woman. She’s high maintenance and overly dramatic. Every time she tries to make me like her, I want to pull away more. I prefer relaxed women like Needy, Amity, and Pixie. Pretending to like Topanga isn’t enough, either. She aches to be understood and embraced. Except Topanga isn’t relatable to me.
“Dunning was a sweet boy,” Topanga says in the restroom while fixing her makeup. “Being his mama was so easy that I wanted more babies as sweet as him.”
“Why didn’t you? Did you break Lowell’s babymaker?” I ask, snickering at my stupid comment.
Without missing a beat, Topanga explains, “I got all torn up when I was delivering Dunning. I wanted to do it naturally, but he was huge. Yet, I had all these ideas in my head about how birthing a baby should be. I let my labor go to hell before I finally gave up on my birthing plan.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, feeling guilty for being a smartass. “But you’re okay otherwise, right?”
“Yes, and Dunning was perfect. Yet, my heart broke when I realized I couldn’t have more kids.”
“Because you wanted a girl?”
“A girl would have been nice, but I think sometimes I just obsessed over it because my parents preferred girls. And look at you,” she says, and I assume a dig is coming. “You like a lot of the same things as Dunning. Not all girls want to play dress up. In fact, I find myself wondering if I wanted that when I was growing up.”
“Were your parents bullies?”
“They loved me more than anything,” she says, sounding defensive before turning to check her appearance. “But, yeah, they were bullies. They wanted me to be a very specific person. And they hated Lowell. The men they liked for me were a lot like that guy your uncle pushed you to marry. I thought I wanted that type, too. Then, I met Lowell, and nothing else mattered.”
I smile at how in love she is with Lowell. “Being in that kind of life seems stressful. I’m glad my dad has someone he can feel safe with. He’s able to relax with you. I don’t know if that makes sense.”
Topanga’s blue eyes light up. “No, it does. Men like Lowell, they’re h
ard on the outside. They have to be, of course. But some of them have soft centers. Others are empty inside or filled with ugly stuff, but Lowell has a gentle core. That’s where he keeps his feelings for Dunning and me. And it’s where he’s growing attached to you. But, sometimes, that outer part doesn’t show what’s happening in the soft center.”
Smiling softly, I think of Lowell and Conor out in the restaurant. They’re my favorite two men in the world, even if one of them seems hot and cold with me. If I had my mom in Elko, my life would literally be perfect.
“Was Lowell good with Dunning when he was little? Like was he hands on?”
Topanga hesitates, probably thinking I’ll get jealous over her answer. Finally, she says, “Not right away. He wasn’t in a rush to have kids, but I wanted to get started while I was young. Again, I had it all planned out in my head. But Lowell needed time to get used to Dunning crying and the smells.” Topanga turns to me and grins. “Lowell hates baby powder. He’d rather smell a fully loaded diaper than baby powder. I thought that was so funny. Then, one day, Lowell stopped looking at Dunning as if he were an interloper and added Dunning to his soft center. After that, he was very interested in spending time with his son.”
I do feel a pinch of regret over not sharing similar moments with Lowell growing up. However, I don’t pine for a do-over. I’m more curious about Lowell than sad over the past.
“One day, do you think I could watch videos or see pictures of them together? I like picturing Lowell’s life. I’m the same way with Conor. When I see a picture of him as a kid or a teen, I imagine where I was in life at that time. It’s comforting, somehow.”
Topanga loves the idea of showing me pictures and videos. That’s why dinner turns into drinks at Lowell’s house. I also sense everyone is afraid to call it a night. Who knows if we can whip up this positive vibe in the future?
Lowell acts more like himself at dinner. I used to watch him at Rooster’s with his friends. He spoke easily, smiled often, and frequently laughed at shit the other guys pulled. Then, after he found out about me, Lowell became stiff and silent. Today, he mellowed out.
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