by Chelle Bliss
“Hey,” she whispered back with a smile.
“It’s all done. Now comes the hard part.”
“Says the man with his nether regions still intact.” She scoffed.
I chuckled, trying not to jostle the baby. “This is the last moment of silence we’ll probably have for a very long time.”
“I know.” She frowned, pushing the edge of the blanket away from Lu’s face. “I don’t know if I’m ready, Joe.” Her face was riddled with fear and apprehension.
“I’ll be there every step of the way, sugar. My mom will stay over as long as you need her too. You’re not alone in this.”
“We need to talk,” she said, and my stomach plummeted.
“Hey,” Ma said when she popped her head in the door, drawing our attention away from each other.
“Come in.” Suzy motioned to my mother and pretended like she hadn’t just said the words that instantly make every sane person’s stomach drop.
We need to talk.
“Oh my God, they’re so tiny,” Ma said, approaching the bed with Pops right behind her. “Look, Sal, more girls to spoil.”
“Hi, Suzydoll. How are you, love?” Pop asked, leaning over the bed and kissing her gently on the head.
“I’ve been better.” Suzy gave him a sweet smile. “Want to hold Lu? Wait. Is this Ro? I’m so confused.”
Ma elbowed him when he started to reach for the baby. “Not before me. Don’t worry, Suzy, twins can be challenging but you’ll be fine.”
“Mar, there are two babies,” Pop reminded her, rubbing the spot she just bruised.
“Here, Pop, hold Rosie for me. My arms are getting tired.” I lied, but I knew my parents were just as excited as we were for the new arrivals. We’d have them all to ourselves soon enough.
“Where’s Gigi?” Suzy settled back into the bed after Ma took Lu from her arms.
“She’s out with Izzy. They’re playing ‘I Spy’ to keep her mind occupied until she can come in.”
I grabbed my wife’s hand and gave it a quick squeeze. “I better go out and let her know Suzy is okay. Want me to bring her back with me, sugar?”
“Yeah. I need to see her.” She smiled halfheartedly. I knew there was so much left unsaid, but I had no idea what she wanted to share. Either way, I had a sinking feeling when I walked out of the hospital room.
I watched for a few moments from around the corner as Gigi jumped up and down and Izzy laughed. They were spitting images of each other. She may have been mine, but she was a mini Izzy in the making and it scared the crap out of me.
“Daddy,” she said, catching my eye before running toward me and jumping into my arms.
Wrapping my arms around her, I gave her the biggest hug and twirled around in a circle. “Hey, baby girl. Are you having fun with Aunt Izzy?”
Gigi placed her tiny hands on my cheeks, and with the straightest face, said, “She cheats, Daddy.”
I laughed, glancing over at Izzy. “She’s always been that way, Gig. She has to win at everything.”
“It’s not fair. I’m widdle. She should let me win.” Her tiny, wet lips connected with mine when she snaked her arms around my neck. “Tell her, Daddy,” she whispered and pointed at Izzy, who was now talking to Mike and ignoring us.
“That’s not how it works, baby. People just can’t let you win.” I held back my laughter at the innocent look she gave me, pleading for my help.
“But Mommy lets you win.”
My eyebrows rose. “She does?”
She climbed to my side like a little monkey and adjusted her body to curl into her favorite spot in the crook of my arm. “I heard her. She says ‘I give in. It’s yours. Take it.’ and usually makes weird noises, but she always lets you win.”
Embarrassment flooded me. “Oh, baby. Mommy is a very sweet woman. Your aunt Izzy isn’t so giving.”
“I know.” She pouted, running her fingers through the back of my hair. “Like when you’re playing a game and you tell Mommy, ‘I own you.’ Mommy knows that she can’t win with you, so she just gives it to you.”
Oh my God. Clearly Gigi had been hearing us at night. I thought the walls were thicker. The only thing I’m thankful for is that she thinks we’re playing games, and innocent ones at that.
“Mommy and I are different, sweetie. Want to see your baby sisters?” I changed the subject because, right now, I couldn’t even begin to process the possible harm our evenings would cause to my daughter in the future.
She bounced in my arms with the biggest smile. “Yes! Is Mommy okay?”
I rested my lips against her temple as I headed back toward Suzy’s room. I inhaled the familiar scent I’d grown to love, the strawberry shampoo Suzy also used on herself. “She’s perfect, Gigi. Now you can’t talk real loud or you’ll scare your sisters.”
She placed her finger against her lips. “I’ll be really, really quiet, Daddy. Promise.”
As soon as I opened the door, Gigi wiggled from my arms and ran toward Suzy, yelling, “Mommy! Mommy!”
That was my Gigi. Nothing would ever be the same again. Quiet time was over and chaos was about to begin.
Avoidance
Suzy
It had been a week since the babies were born. Seven days since I uttered the words, “We need to talk.”
I regretted it as soon as they slipped from my lips. Joe hadn’t pushed the issue and brought it up. I don’t even know what I was going to say. It just came out. I’d like to blame it on the hormones or maybe the stress of the labor, but I was so overcome with emotions that I wanted to get some things off my chest.
“Suzy,” Joe whispered next to me.
Lying in the dark, I stared at the ceiling and felt my insides knot. “Yeah?”
He snaked his arm around my middle, resting it against my still soft, pudgy, baby fat. Soft to his hard. “What did you want to say to me after our girls were born? There’s something going on, and I need to know. I can’t sleep at night. I can barely eat. All I think about is that my wife doesn’t love me anymore.”
Guilt overcame me and tears began to spill down my face. “I don’t know, Joe. I love you. More than anything, I love you.” The words stopped as the tears came faster…harder.
“Sugar,” he whispered, pulling me closer to his body and resting his lips against my forehead. “What’s bothering you? What don’t you know?”
My eyes stayed pinned to the ceiling. I couldn’t look him in the eye. “How do you love me?”
“How?”
“Yeah.” My voice was a whisper as I choked down a sob.
“I don’t even understand what that’s supposed to mean.” He scooted backward, taking me with him as he rested against the tall, wooden headboard. With a few moves, he had me straddling him with my face in his hands, unable to look away. “Tell me what’s going on, Suzy.”
My heart ached from the look in his eyes. I knew it. Had seen it before. It was complete terror and fear that I had caused by my careless words. “I just don’t understand why you want me.”
His eyebrows drew together, causing severe creases on his forehead when the power of my words hit him. “You’re my wife. I’ll always want you.”
“That’s not true,” I replied before he could say another word. “There are plenty of men who leave their wives.”
His head jerked back, his blue eyes narrowing. “You think I’m going to leave you?” After he spoke, his mouth hung open.
I wiped away the tear that hung on my chin before my lip began to quiver. “Why wouldn’t you?” My voice cracked when I started to cry harder.
“Baby, I love you, but this is the last conversation we’re going to have about this. I’m going to talk to Mia and find someone for you to talk to, because the very thought of not being with you makes my stomach turn.” He took a deep breath, blowing it back out slowly. “There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t show you how much I love you. There isn’t a second that passes that I don’t worship the very ground you walk on, sugar. Ther
e’s no one on this Earth for me but you. The question is… Do you still love me?”
I didn’t even have to think about it. “I do. More than anything, I do. I just keep looking at myself, and then I see you and you’re perfect. I just don’t get it.”
“When I look at you,” he said as his hands slid down my body, brushing my extra full breasts along the way, “I see the same girl I fell in love with. I love you more today than I loved you the day we got married. Every day with you is like a gift. The fact that you’re doubting that has me scared.” His hands rested on my hips and his grip became almost bruising.
“You’re just too perfect for me,” I whispered, admitting the thing I had been thinking for months.
His forehead came to a rest against mine. “I’m the furthest thing from perfect. You know that. You just gave birth to two babies and your hormones are out of whack. I’m not going anywhere. You’re mine, sweetheart. When I married you, I didn’t make that decision lightly. The day I said ‘I do,’ it was for life. Do you still want me, Suzy?”
“I do,” I whispered and closed my eyes. I couldn’t even imagine a life without him. “More than anything in the world.”
“We’ll get through this together. I’ll do anything to make you feel like the most important thing in my life. Never doubt my love for you.”
I didn’t doubt his love. It was more his want for me that I worried about. “Okay.”
He pulled my body forward and I placed my head on his shoulder, burying my face in his neck. “I love you, Sunshine.”
“Love you too, Joe.”
“Tomorrow we start anew. It’s time to get some help. It’s time to get our life back on track and settle into the new us. We’re no longer a three, we’re a five. And if we don’t watch it, someone’s going to get left behind.”
I worried I’d be the one left in the dust.
The Road to Hell and Back
Joe
“Do you have time to talk today?”
“Always for you,” Ma replied.
“I’ll be there in ten.”
“I’ll be waiting.”
I threw the phone in the passenger seat and headed toward my parents’ house. I needed to talk to my ma and figure out what to do about Suzy. I figured there was no better person than a woman who had given birth to five children.
Mia, Mike’s wife, spent the day with Suzy. She offered to help out so I could go into work. Before I headed home, I decided to stop and talk with my mother and get her thoughts on our relationship. Ma had never guided me wrong, and I knew she’d say the right thing to make me feel better.
After I sat down at the table, she slid a cup of coffee in front of me and patted my hand. “What’s bothering you, Joe?”
“It’s Suzy, Ma. I’m worried about her…about us.”
“Be patient with her. She’s been through a lot.”
My finger moved over the rim of the mug, and I watched a stray coffee ground that floated across the top. “I know. She thinks I can’t possibly want her. Her body’s changed, but I love it the same. She’s the only one for me, and I’m struggling to find a way to convey that message.”
“Joseph.” She touched my hand that had been resting on the table. “There’s nothing you can do to make her feel that way. I’ve seen you with her. Watched you for years. You love that woman something fierce. She needs to realize it for herself. You need to get her into a good therapist, baby. Postpartum depression is a bitch.”
I gave her a halfhearted smile. “It started before the babies arrived.”
“You’ve never been pregnant, Joe. God,” she said, rubbing her stomach. “I still remember feeling as big as a house. There wasn’t a moment I felt sexy the entire time. Your body becomes distorted and enormous. I know exactly how Suzy feels. I didn’t understand how your father could possibly be attracted to me. Just give her time or make an appointment with someone. She’ll be okay, it’ll just take some time.”
“I can’t wait, Ma. I can’t. Every day, I feel like she’s slipping further and further away. I can’t sit by idly and watch it happen. I refuse to do it.”
“Why don’t you talk to Mia when you get home today? See what she says about Suzy and then go from there. I’m sure she can refer you to someone.”
“What’s wrong with Suzy?” Pop asked when he walked into the kitchen, still holding a golf club in his hand.
“Oh, just baby stuff, Sal.” Ma stood quickly, walking toward my father and wrapping her arms around him. “How did you do today?”
“I beat the piss out of the old guy.” He smiled, proud of his accomplishment.
“You really should let him win sometimes.”
“Hell no, Mar. No man in his right mind lets another one win just because of his age. If he beats me, it’ll be fair and square.”
“But he’s one of our biggest donors,” Ma told him, and she pushed him in the chest, pretending to be mad.
“I always beat him and he still gives the money. Any idea why, dear?”
She scurried over to the coffeepot and poured a cup for him. “Enlighten me.”
He sat down across from me and rested the club in the corner near the window. “Every time we play, we wager on his donation. If he wins, I pay his money every year. If I win, he doubles his donation.”
My mother turned, cup in hand, and gaped at my father. “All these years I thought he was generous, but you’ve just been beating him into submission.”
My father’s crooked smile and wink made my stomach queasy. “He’s not the only one.”
“Salvatore!” She shot him the look of death before changing the subject. “By the way, your brother called from Chicago.”
My head jerked back slightly. “I thought he was still in prison.”
Pop waved his hand. “Nah, the old bastard’s out. He’s having some trouble with the bar and wanted my advice.”
“What’s going on with the bar?” I asked.
“You don’t want to know,” he said and scrubbed his hands down his face. “Santino is his own man and doesn’t always live life like the rest of us.”
“He sure was a handsome devil, though,” Ma added.
“Oh, yeah, Mar?” Pop reached out and rubbed her cheek. “Don’t forget who owns you.”
Oh, for fuck’s sake. I was my father. Yikes. “I’m out. I can’t listen anymore, and I’m sure Suzy could use some help.”
“You never could handle our love.” Pop chuckled and slid his arm around Ma’s back as she came to stand next to him.
“There’s only so much of it I can take before the bile rises up my throat. You two have fun.” I started toward the door, leaving them to whatever they had planned next.
“I plan on it!” Pop yelled just as I turned the handle.
“Gross,” I muttered, walking into the sunshine, wishing I could scrub the last few minutes from my mind.
* * *
When I walked through the front door, Mia had Rosie in her arms, sitting on the couch. “Where’s Suzy?” I asked before tossing my keys on the small table near the door in the foyer.
“Sleeping. She was exhausted.” Mia smiled down at the baby and tickled her feet. “I miss the time when they’re little.” She sighed.
“You can come over any time and babysit, sis.”
She laughed and pushed back her straight, brown hair. “I may just take you up on that.”
Sitting down next to her, I looked toward the stairs. “Are you sure she’s asleep?”
“Completely. She was like a zombie and lay down about thirty minutes ago. I figure she’ll be out for at least another hour.”
“She’s been staying up at night with the babies. I keep trying to get her back to bed and I stay up as long as I can, but damn, she’s stubborn.”
“That’s part of being a mom, Joe.”
“I want to talk to you about something, Mia. But this stays between us. Understand?” I glanced down at Rosie just as her eyes closed.
“You know I won’t
say a word. What’s up?”
“It’s Suzy. She’s been really depressed. I don’t know what to do to help her. I wanted to know what you thought after spending the day with her.”
She adjusted her body to face me and her hazel eyes bored into me. “Now that you mention it, I was going to talk to you about getting her to talk to someone. Typically, she’s so bubbly and happy, but there’s something off, which is completely normal for some women after giving birth. But you never want to let things fester.”
I rubbed my hands against my jeans. “Do you know of anyone she can talk with?”
“Yeah, I’ll give you the number for the woman I saw after Lily was born.”
My eyebrows shot up because I never knew Mia had postpartum depression. “You went through it too?”
“It’s common, Joe. Happens to the best of us. Hormones are all out of whack in our bodies before the baby is born, and especially after. Having a new little one is exhausting, and it can make us question everything. Just make sure to get her in to speak with Karen as soon as possible.”
“Text me the number later and I’ll set it up.”
“Can do.” She leaned forward, holding out Rosie. “I better run and get home. I’m sure Mike and Lily have destroyed the house.”
“That’s a given.” I laughed. He was a human wrecking ball, and his little girl was just a small version of him.
“Give Suzy my love. Call me whenever you need a reprieve.”
“I will,” I told her before she gathered her things and left.
Sitting in the living room with Rosie in my arms, I wondered how long it would be before I had my wife back. I missed her bubbly sunshine. The kind where a simple look could have me giddy with excitement.
We’d get there again. I’d wait, even if took a lifetime.
* * *
Suzy lay sprawled out on the bed with her robe wrapped tightly around her when I pushed open the door. I didn’t speak as I crawled into the bed next to her and pulled her against me. Burying my face in her hair, I let her scent surround me—the strawberries and sweetness that I loved so much.
“I’m so tired,” she whispered and curled into me. “So tired.”
“Why don’t we go to sleep, love?” I brushed the hair off her neck, exposing her skin and resisting the urge to kiss it.
“I don’t think I can sleep.” She sighed and stared at the wall.