by Lou Anders
“You call me that, you better believe I will.”
“No, I mean, I need a bigger distraction if I am to get the key.”
“A distraction, eh?” said Solo. “I think we can arrange that.”
“Okay then, here I go,” and I shouted loudly, calling Han Solo a festering pile of dianoga droppings.
“What did you call me?” he roared, really playing it up for the crowd.
“You heard me,” I said. “And don’t get me started on this overgrown Ewok you keep around.”
Then Solo threw a punch, and it went—crack—right on my chin.
“Hey,” I whispered, “remember this is acting.”
“Gotta make it look good,” said Solo with a grin. “Anyway, this is the first time I’ve enjoyed myself all day.”
So I gave him a shove, and he shoved me into the Wookiee, and the Wookiee tossed me at a table, and I got up and shoved Solo into another table. Maybe I shoved a little too hard, because he collapsed the entire table and sent a plate of glowblue noodles and chav flying over a group of Pakiphantos. Do you know the Pakiphantos? Well, it seems that they are not a good species to anger. And these, I could tell, were angry, because their big ears all flapped out wide on the sides of their heads, like big angry fans. And they rose from the table, knocking it over, and they lifted their trunks in the air and trumpeted loudly.
And one of them hauled Solo to his feet and sent him flying back into me. And like that, I was crashing into the Gigoran, which was just what I wanted to do. Although I maybe didn’t expect to get so many bruises doing it.
But in the jumble and the tumble, I slipped my hand into the thick fur and out it came with a safety-deposit box key! Yes, Hondo is that good!
Unfortunately, though, there was then quite a fight on the pavilion that we had started. But if we could slip away, I was sure things could get better.
Then one of the Pakiphantos suddenly said, “Hey, it’s Han Solo.”
And then another shouted, “Han Solo! You double-crossing no-good son of a bantha.”
Well, so much for things getting better. I supposed they were about to go the other way.
The fighting stopped.
Solo looked hard at the Pakiphantos who had just spoken.
“Trunc Adurmush? Is that you?” said Solo.
“You know these gentlemen?” I asked. “Obviously, I am using the term ‘gentlemen’ loosely, but do you know them?”
“Surprised to see us, aren’t you, Solo?” said the one called Trunc. “Well, isn’t this our luck? You can pay for the lunch your friend spilled, and the fifteen thousand credits you owe us.”
“Fifteen thousand? It wasn’t more than eight,” protested Solo.
“You borrowed eight,” said Trunc. “But you stole another seven.”
Solo spread his hands in a soothing gesture.
“Guys, listen, whatever it is, I’m sure it’s a misunderstanding.”
“Oh, there’s no misunderstanding,” said Trunc Adurmush. “We Pakiphantos never forget.”
“I’m a little short on funds right now,” said Solo.
“That’s too bad,” said Trunc, “because we never let go of a grudge, either. So I guess we’re going to take this out of your hide.”
He raised a flat stumpy appendage that ended in four large round toenails on a pillar-like foot. Personally, I thought he could do with a pedicure.
“Now we’re going to show you one of our favorite traditions. You’ll love it, Solo. It’s called a stomp.”
“Stomp! Stomp! Stomp!” called the other Pakiphantos.
Solo gave us a sheepish look.
“It was four thousand credits at most,” he muttered.
“Well, gentlemen,” I said to the Pakiphantos, “this has all been very entertaining, but I can see you have business, so Hondo will say good-bye and leave you to it. And may I wish you all a happy stomping!”
“Not so fast, buster,” said Trunc. “If you’re with him, you stay.”
“He’s no friend of mine,” said Solo.
“I am wounded by that,” I said. “Although, under the circumstances, I also appreciate it very much.” I turned to the one called Trunc. “So you see, you don’t need to go to the extra effort on my account.”
Trunc shrugged.
“We like stomping. And you did spill my lunch.”
So things were about to be unpleasant. And there wasn’t much to be done about it.
But then one of the local Dhanduese birdfolk came running up.
“No brawling on the pavilion!” he squawked. “You are all under arrest.”
He held up a blinking-blinking stick thing and hit a button.
And suddenly, it was like someone had fastened huge weights to my legs.
“I can’t move my feet!” cried Mahjo.
“Grrrrrwwwwwrrr,” Chewbacca pointed out wisely.
“No!” yelled Trunc. “I want to stomp! I want to stomp!”
“Excuse me, my friend,” I said, waving for the attention of the bird person. “On what charges are you arresting us?”
“Disturbing the peace. Inciting violence in a public establishment—”
“Say, that is a very nice timepiece you have,” I said.
“What? Leave my timepiece alone….”
And as his beady eyes followed my one hand, with the other—I removed his blinky-blinky stick.
“Oh, I like this,” I said, holding it up to look at the buttons.
“Give that back!” squawked the Dhanduese.
“Hondo,” said Solo warily, “what are you doing?”
“You might say I am pondering the gravity of the situation,” I said. “And now, my friends, fly! Be free!”
And I shut off all the gravity weights on everyone’s feet. Suddenly, things felt very light.
“Jump, my friends, jump!”
Chewbacca roared, and Solo, who had already crashed once that day, looked most uncertain.
But Mahjo understood.
“Back to the ship!” she yelled. Then she leapt, and we watched as she went flying into the air.
Well, I had the key, and if I had the ship, too, there was no need to wait around, was there?
So jump I did, as well.
It was something, let me tell you. I was flying through the air, waving my arms and wondering where I would stop.
I soared right off the turlossus and into another neighborhood entirely. Fortunately, I have some experience with being hurled through the sky (but that is another story), so I was at least a little prepared. I landed on a street one creature over.
Ahead of me, there was Mahjo.
I glanced behind me, and I saw that Chewbacca and Solo were doing the same.
Indeed, they soon landed beside me.
But we were not free, because Trunc and the other Pakiphantos, their gravity compensators were shut off, as well. And then they were bounding through the sky, trumpeting loudly through their trunks in what I thought was most likely and rather unfortunately a battle cry.
“Bawruuuuuuhuuuraaaa!” they trumpeted.
And then we were off, bouncing up and down. But where were we going?
“Hey,” Solo said, “does anybody remember where we parked?”
I looked and understood. The turlossus had all moved about, and the docking platform was not where we left it. Where was our ship?
Unfortunately, we did not have long to ponder, because then a blaster bolt went whizzing by—bdew—and then another—bdow. Oh, things were heating up.
Chewbacca aimed his bowcaster.
“No, my friend!” I shouted. “That is a bad idea.”
But the Wookiee was not to be discouraged.
Chew! Chew! it went.
And Chewbacca went hurtling backward.
“Grrrrrrrrrraaggoooorrrrrrrrr!” he shouted as he zipped away.
The recoil was too strong, you see. In the low gravity, it sent the Wookiee flying.
Unfortunately, Chewbacca missed the city platforms and fe
ll between two turlossus. We saw him drop away to the grasslands far below.
“Chewie!” shouted Solo. “I’m coming, big guy.” And he bounded after his hairy companion.
“Well, there goes our ride,” I called to Mahjo Reeloo. “But don’t worry, you and I can pilot the Millennium Falcon ourselves.”
She shot me a look as charged as a blaster bolt.
“How can you think about abandoning them?” she said.
“I can think about many things. Every day is full of possibilities.”
“And stealing their ship?”
“More like borrowing it for an indefinite period of time,” I replied.
“You’re unconscionable,” she said.
“I’m a pirate,” I replied. “It comes with the territory!”
“Well, I’m going after them even if you aren’t.” Then she leapt away. But the scorn in her voice, the disappointment—it wounded me, I tell you. I didn’t want to leave things like that.
Okay, she was also the only one who knew which safety-deposit box the key fit.
“Oh, well,” I said. “I suppose today is another day for heroics!” And I turned on my pirate’s honor and threw myself after my companions.
Bdew—bdow!
The Pakiphantos were hot on our heels. That was impressive, because I don’t think their feet even had heels. Or ankles for that matter.
But there they were, jumping after us, their ears flapping in the wind and their trunks trumpeting. “Bawruuuuuuhuuuraaaa! Bawruuuuuuhuuuraaaa!”
Well, the grassland was soft where I landed. I looked and saw my companions. We were all bounding on the ground. And that presented its own problems. The great, plodding legs of the turlossus were ever a danger.
“Aaaaaiyeeeeeeee!” screamed a Pakiphantos as a foot crashed down on him from above. And then, yes, he was a bantha-butter pancake.
Solo was leaping wildly, firing his blaster behind him. And the Wookiee, too. I started to yell for him to stop, but then I watched in amazement as Chewbacca did a sort of somersault in the air, twirling over and shooting his bowcaster behind him so when the recoil shoved him, he went in the direction he wanted.
Wookiees never cease to amaze me!
One of the Pakiphantos was hit. He fell to the ground, and then—CRUNCH!—another pancake.
Giant feet were swinging everywhere. We were leaping and dodging between them. And blaster bolts were racing over our heads.
Bdow-bdew! Chew-chow! Bawruuuuuuhuuuraaaa! Bawruuuuuuhuuuraaaa!
It was crazy. It was dangerous.
It was quite a thrill!
“Look at us!” I cried in my excitement. “We are like jumping Jedi! Oh, the Force is with us today.”
“The Force isn’t with anyone,” said Solo, “least of all an old Weequay pirate con man.”
“Well, no matter,” I answered him. “Hondo is a force all to himself!”
Now, you will recall I had lost my blaster, but I did a very fancy jump off the legs of a turlossus, and I went careening into a Pakiphantos, and he went spinning out of control and—CRASH-CRASH—he knocked himself out on the hard hide of the giant creature. Maybe he would be okay in the grass, if he did not get stepped on. Though I would not envy him being left behind the herd. You will recall I talked about what came out the other end!
Too late. Splat-splat! Oh, it was a bad day to be that Pakiphantos.
But then Trunc Adurmush was ahead of us. And he had his blaster out. He was lining up a shot.
“You’re going to pay one way or another, Solo,” said Trunc. “I told you we Pakiphantos never forget. We can hold a grudge for years.”
“Yeah, that’s the problem with too much looking back,” said Solo, and he pointed. “You don’t pay enough attention to what’s ahead of you.”
“I’m not falling for that,” said Trunc.
“Falling? No,” said Solo, “quite the opposite.”
“What?” said Trunc, beginning to look around despite himself.
One of the giant, questing proboscises of the turlossus came snuffling up behind Trunc.
Slurp, slurp, slurp!
Suddenly, the Pakiphantos was sucked into the air.
With a scream of “I won’t forget this!” he disappeared up the giant snout.
And then with a cough, a sputter, and a sneeze, the animal shot him out in a glob of nasty yellow-green stuff, and we saw him sail away through the sky.
Well, after that, we leapt more carefully, and we made our way in great bounds back to the top of the creatures. And there she was, the Millennium Falcon, waiting for us.
“My friends,” I said, dialing the gravity compensators of the blinky-blinky stick so we could all walk again, “things are looking up!”
But they were also looking down. Because although Trunc had gone bye-bye, his gang was still there. And as we raced up the boarding ramp of the Millennium Falcon, we saw them heading to a trio of small single-pilot fliers.
“A hasty exit is called for,” I said to Solo as he and Chewbacca ran to the cockpit.
“For once I agree with you, old man,” the smuggler called back.
“Old? I am not old!” I said. “Distinguished perhaps. Seasoned, like a fine chuba stew.”
“Reeloo,” called Solo. “Shut him up and you two get into the gun wells now!”
“Come on,” Mahjo said, grabbing my arm. “Fun’s not over. There’s shooting to do.”
“Well, that is a good suggestion, I must admit.”
So we were off to the gun turrets, Mahjo going up and I going down. And then I was sitting in the swiveling chair with my own laser cannon. I must say it felt good, but it made me nostalgic. I used to have a wonderful WLO-5 speeder tank. Oh, that beauty could pack a wallop, let me tell you.
But no matter. I was behind a laser cannon as Solo and Chewbacca were lifting off.
Unfortunately, Trunc Adurmush’s gang was also lifting off.
I saw the three sleek little fliers now. They were Z-95 Headhunters—very durable multipurpose starfighters. I approved of the choice immensely. What I didn’t approve of was that, unfortunately, they were shooting at us.
Ba-boom!
“Hey!” I yelled. “That ba-boom was louder than it was supposed to be. I really felt that!”
“I don’t believe it,” shouted Solo from the cockpit. “The rear deflector shields are offline! This is perfect, just perfect!”
“I don’t think ‘perfect’ is quite the right word, my friend!” I yelled back.
“Look out!” said Mahjo, who had noticed something on the Headhunters. “They’ve modded their ships with proton cannons!”
“Well, you’ve got to admire someone who thinks big like that,” I said. “Solo, can the Falcon take a hit from a proton cannon with the shield down?”
“We’ve still got capital-class hull armor,” Solo responded. “She’ll hold for a while.”
“How long is ‘a while’?” I asked.
“We don’t have ‘a while,’” said Mahjo. “Every minute we spend here is a minute closer to the key code being useless.”
“Priorities, lady!” Solo yelled. “That key won’t do you much good if we’re blown to bits trying to leave this moon.”
“What do you propose to do about it?” I asked.
“This,” said Solo.
And with that he sent the Falcon into a dive.
“What?” I yelled. “Who taught you to navigate? Space is that way! Up, up, not down!”
“I know where space is,” Solo said. “Look, even with our hull enhancements, I don’t want to give these guys a clear shot at our backsides with our pants down when we clear the atmosphere. So you two concentrate on picking those fliers off while I concentrate on not getting hit.”
And there we were, weaving in and out of the legs of the turlossus, the Pakiphantos in their Z-95s shooting at us, lasers flying past, whzzz-whzzzz.
It was a good thing my gun turret was facing backward, because I think I would have been dizzy if I were w
atching where we were going.
Then a proton torpedo was whizzing at me.
A blast from Mahjo’s laser cannon, and it blew up harmlessly in the air.
Then I fired my cannon. Bbu-bbbu-bbbu-dew!
With the last shot, I struck the wing of a flier. Unbalanced, it spun out of control to explode against the giant leg of a turlossus. The skin of the creature wasn’t even bruised. Sadly, I cannot say the same for the pilot.
“I got one! I got one!”
“Great. You can give yourself a medal later,” said Solo. “Right now, worry about the other two.”
“Right,” I said. “The other two.”
But then Solo flipped the Falcon, up and over, nearly scraping the underside of the creature.
For a moment, we had shaken our pursuers.
Then one of the little fliers appeared and zipped behind us. I was staring right into the face of a grinning Pakiphantos.
His proton cannon was lining up for a shot.
At such close range, perhaps the Falcon could take it. But Hondo Ohnaka could not. Was that to be the end?
“Grrrraffffffffffgrrr!” shouted Chewbacca.
Katooom! went the laser cannon.
My heart was in my mouth.
Ba—ba-boom!
The explosion billowed out, spreading all around me like a fiery web but not touching the ship.
I checked myself.
“I am alive! I am alive!” I said.
Yes, my friend, thanks to the mechanical genius of the Wookiee, the rear deflector shield was back on just in the nick of time.
And then Solo was racing upward, from atmosphere to vacuum, and I had never been so glad to see space as I was in that moment.
The hyperdrive engaged, and I waved a happy bye-bye to the last of the Pakiphantos.
And away we went.
I joined Mahjo in the main hold.
“Well, that was a bit of excitement, wasn’t it?” I said. “But surely, now, it will all be smooth sailing from here on out.”
Fafoom!
The Falcon suddenly rocked violently, shaking us all.
I was thrown off the bench and knocked to the floor.
“What in space was that?” I shouted.
“Have those fools fallen asleep at the controls?” I asked Mahjo as she gallantly helped me to my feet. “I tell you, Hondo should be flying this ship.”