“When do you go to Dubai?” The question came from Jess.
“End of the month.”
“How long this time?”
“A month. I’m gonna embrace the sobriety this time and think of it as a detox.”
Cam was “moving on” with Ryan, trying to be a better fiancé, and seeing Iris every day made it so much harder, so the news that she wasn’t going to be around for a few weeks should have been welcome. But as she picked up her coffee and headed back to her desk, she was feeling—if it was possible—even shittier than she had five minutes ago.
Chapter Twenty-four
Cam had another restless night. She had been up half the night and had slept in, only waking when Ryan made a noise looking for something in the chest of drawers. She was trying to eat some breakfast, and was still not dressed, despite it being nearly eleven.
It was Saturday, and she had nowhere to be, so it didn’t really matter, but it wasn’t like her to be so slow to get going at the weekend. Ryan had said nothing, seeming completely oblivious to her mood and the turmoil of these past few days.
At three a.m., Cam had given up trying to sleep and got up, hoping to reach Alison for a call but only getting her voice mail. She’d sat in the dark for a long time, thinking about the mess she was in. A mess that wasn’t going to sort itself out without her doing something. Eventually, she’d given in and texted Iris. A simple message, but heartfelt. I can’t bear us not being in each other’s lives. Can we at least try?
Cam picked up her phone for the umpteenth time that morning, realizing, with an ache in her heart, that Iris was not going to reply. Why would she? She’d made it pretty clear that they needed to stay away from each other, and it seemed like she was getting on with her life without Cam in it, getting on with things like going to Dubai. Cam felt foolish. She read the text back to herself again, wishing she hadn’t sent it. But it wasn’t embarrassing, not really. It was the truth and the truth was something Cam needed to be speaking more often, not less.
Ryan had his head in the paper, but he was humming and seemed happier than he had in a while. Cam felt knots inside her stomach, knowing that she had to find a way to talk to him about what had happened, to tell him that she wasn’t happy, and something needed to change. But the idea of saying it, of hurting him, made her back off and lose courage every single time.
He peeked at her from around the paper, smiling at her.
“Hey, babe, is that what you’re wearing for the movie? I mean, I know it’s a matinee, but I was kinda hoping you wouldn’t be wearing your pj’s.” He was in a good mood. Cam offered him a weak smile, feeling tension in her belly.
She had been determined for them to do something nice together this weekend, wanting to prove that they could still enjoy each other. Iris was moving on, and Cam needed to try to do the same.
Ryan had been raving about the new Marvel movie, so she had bought tickets for them and booked a table at the Shard for dinner afterward. It was London’s tallest building and had a Chinese restaurant on the thirty-second floor. Ryan loved Chinese food, and when she’d told him the plans last night, he had looked delighted. Cam had been surprised at just how happy he seemed and then understood, with a pang of guilt, that the last couple of weeks had probably been just as miserable for him.
He’d also been paying her a lot more attention lately. She tried to think when it had started. Maybe after the dinner dance? She wasn’t really sure. It was nice but she couldn’t convince herself that it would change anything now, it felt just too little too late. She shook the negative thoughts away. She had made a silent promise to them both that she would do what she could to make them work better. They had a lot of history and she cared about him deeply, and if Iris had taught her anything, it was that talking and trying was better than watching the train crash. She would enjoy the movie and the meal they’d planned and remind herself of just why it was they had managed to be together so happily for so long.
“I’ve got hours to get ready yet, I’m guessing you’re gonna play squash first.” Cam knew that nothing would keep him from his Saturday squash game.
“Yeah, I owe Rory a hammering. He beat me the last two times we played and hasn’t shut up about it.” He spoke the words into his newspaper.
Cam felt lost, like being here with Ryan was suddenly strange to her. It didn’t matter how often she pushed it away, the kiss she had shared with Iris was on repeat in her mind, and she didn’t know how to stop it. She touched a finger to her lips and closed her eyes. In her mind, Iris’s eyes warned her away and pulled her in at the same time, her desire unmistakable. The memory of Iris’s tongue in her mouth having the power to make her aroused every time she thought about it.
But Iris had pushed her away. Cam let the memory of that, and the fact of Iris’s continued indifference to her at work, sober her. Iris had made it clear that they couldn’t even have a friendship, let alone anything else.
She sighed out loud, not meaning to. But she needn’t have worried. Ryan didn’t even notice. She tried to force herself to say something to him, to ask if they could talk, to ask if he was as unhappy as she was. Anything to get the damn conversation started.
“I can’t believe I have to go on that golfing trip to Scotland next weekend. I can’t even play the game, and can you imagine having to spend a weekend following a little ball around with those jerks in the exec team and then watching them getting drunk on overpriced whisky? Not fun.” Ryan sounded weary at the idea of it.
“I’ve given the rental agency your number. They said they’ll keep you posted about any viewings that weekend. Hope that’s okay. You don’t need to stay in, they’ve got keys. They just asked that we keep it reasonably tidy.” He pulled a face. “I asked them to define ‘reasonable’ but they didn’t think I was funny.”
Cam stopped what she was doing, feeling a sudden chill in her body.
“Sorry?” She had heard every word but couldn’t manage a better response.
“Viewings.” Ryan looked at her, peering around his paper. “You know, for people who might want to rent the house after we’re gone.” He spoke to her as if she was being a little dim.
“I know what a viewing is. But why now? Isn’t it a bit early? We haven’t even given notice yet.” Cam caught the lowering of his eyes, saw his body grow tense.
“I told them we wouldn’t be renewing the lease once the year was up. It’s only a few weeks away. They want to get some new tenants lined up, so they don’t have a gap, y’know? Makes sense really.” He shrugged.
Cam stood up, not knowing what else to do. “We didn’t agree to that. I don’t want…what the hell, Ryan. We haven’t even discussed it.” Cam didn’t want to go and he had to know that.
Ryan lowered the paper, folding it in half carefully before putting it on the table. Something about the deliberateness of the action made Cam feel even angrier. She could guess what was coming next. He would talk to her with an exaggerated patience, like she was a small child who needed things explained to her.
“We have talked about this.”
Cam stayed still, stayed silent, watching him, knowing he would act all restrained and reasonable and make her feel like she was being overly emotional.
“You know we need to go. I’m not happy, work is unbearable. And the stress is making us unhappy here. We both know that. I spoke to your mom.”
“You spoke to my mother?” Cam was ready to burst. She couldn’t believe what he was trying to do.
“Yeah, she said of course we can stay with her until we find our own place. You know what she’s like. She’s just happy we’re going back.”
“I know what she’s like, she’s my mother, or did you two forget about that?” Cam spat out the words.
Ryan crossed to where Cam was standing and tried to take her hand. She snatched it away and stalked to the other side of the room. She looked at him, wondering who the hell this person was, still not believing that Ryan would do this without talking to her first.
“It’s not working out here, Cam. You know that really. We’ve been wrong…unhappy even, especially lately. London doesn’t suit us. We’ll be better once we’re home.”
“Maybe London doesn’t suit you, but it suits me. Did you even stop to think about that, to think about me? Of course not, you didn’t even ask me, for chrissakes.” Cam was close to shouting now.
“We talked about it plenty of times.” His posture was defensive and his voice louder, matching hers. “Work is crazy, I’m never home. And we need to get married. You were the one who said you wanted to do that in the States. It doesn’t make any sense to extend the lease, to stay here any longer. And anyway, I told Bob I was coming back. They’ve kept the job open for me.” Ryan was serious about this. He had made plans.
“And what if I want to stay?” Cam tried to sound calmer than she felt. Faced with the reality of it, she knew she couldn’t go. “Did you ever think that I might want to stay?”
“Cam, you hate your job, you hate your boss, and you hate being away from Alison, your friends. You’re as unhappy here as I am.”
“That was before. Weeks ago, months ago.” She shook her head.
That was before she’d started at Cottoms, before she’d joined the team, before she’d met Iris. Cam couldn’t say it, couldn’t even allow herself to think it. The panic surged, making it hard for her to talk, to breathe. Going home would mean leaving Iris. For good. She wouldn’t…she couldn’t do that.
Ryan regarded her closely, something in his eyes she couldn’t read.
“Before what?” He paused. “Before what, Cam?”
Cam felt his gaze; it made her uncomfortable. She picked up her plate, her cup, the knife from the table and carried them to the kitchen, needing some time. She put them carefully in the sink and turned to face him.
“Before the football team, before the friends I made there, before I had a social life—”
“Before Iris.”
Cam felt trapped. She wouldn’t lie, but she wasn’t ready to tell him the truth. Not like this. Not now. Why not, why not now? She was afraid. Of course she was. Scared to hurt him, to want things for herself, scared that Iris didn’t even care whether she stayed or went.
“I’ve got a life here Ryan. For the first time in nearly a year. People to do things with, people I care about. I’m starting to love London, and you don’t even care. You’re telling me it’s time we went home and got married because you want to, because my fucking mother thinks it’s time. Dammit, Ryan, I’m not ready to get married, and I’m not ready to leave. I have to have a say in this.”
Ryan came closer and stopped a foot away from her. Cam couldn’t meet his eyes. “I’m not a fool, Cam. I know you think I am. That I’m too busy to pay attention, but I’m not.” He sounded tired, beaten. “I can see what’s going on.”
Cam made herself look at him. She could feel panic rising in her chest. He took her hand, and this time she let him.
“It’s time we went home. I think that London…that your friends…they’re changing you. Sometimes I think that I’ll lose you if we don’t get away. I don’t want that. Let’s go home, get back to the way we were. Please.” He made it all sound so reasonable, and it made Cam want to respond reassuringly. She didn’t like to see him hurt, needing. But she couldn’t. Whichever way she considered this, he was trying to make a really important decision without talking to her, choosing to talk to her mother behind her back, trying to force her into doing something she wasn’t ready for. Maybe old Cam would have gone along with that, but she wasn’t that person any more. She pushed his hand away.
“This, Ryan, this treating me like a child, this putting yourself first like always, coming to London because YOU wanted to, leaving because YOU want to. Thinking you know what I need without ever bothering to ask me. This is what’s going to make you lose me. I don’t want this anymore, I can’t…”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean? You don’t want this anymore or you don’t want me anymore? Come on, Cam, out with it. I know you can barely stand to touch me these days.”
“I can’t…I don’t…” She had tears in her eyes, but she needed to say it. “I can’t leave London, Ryan. I can’t. And I don’t…want to get married. I just don’t think I feel the same way anymore.” Finding the courage to say everything she needed to was close to impossible, but she had said something. It was a start.
“I don’t want—”
“But what do you want, Cam?” He paced as he spoke. “I mean I literally have no idea. You don’t talk to me. I’m not sure you ever really have. I know everything about what you don’t want, what you don’t like, but you’ve never fucking told me what you want from your life. How am I supposed to have a chance at making you happy when I don’t even know what that looks like?” He was upset but trying not to show it.
“London makes me happy.” Cam felt a dam burst. “And Iris makes me happy.” She couldn’t not say it, couldn’t not feel it, even as she knew there was no coming back from having said it out loud. “I don’t think I knew what I wanted, what I needed, until she came along. And I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to feel that way about her. I tried not to.”
Ryan moved toward her and put his hands on her arms, holding them next to her side. He stood inches away from her.
“You don’t mean it. You don’t need her, Cam. You…you’re not like that, not really. I think I’d know. She’s got you confused. You’re not happy and she’s been paying you all that attention. And I haven’t. And I’m sorry. We need to leave. We’ll get home and we can get back to normal. I’ll work less and we’ll get married and be happy, like we were before.”
“No.” Cam found her voice. “Not like before. Don’t you see? I wasn’t happy then either, not really. I haven’t been happy, felt right, for a long time.” She knew this would hurt him, but she had to be honest. “Iris…she’s made me feel things I haven’t felt before, helped me understand I’m only living half a life, that I’ve denied myself things that make me happy. I don’t have a career, I’m twenty-eight and I’m still scared to be disapproved of, and I settled for a relationship which isn’t enough for either of us, not really. You deserve m—” He cut her off.
“Of course she’s helped you understand all that. She is trying to get you on your back, Cam. Are you that fucking stupid? She’s filled your head with all this stupid stuff so she can swoop in and save you.” His eyes betrayed how furious he was. “Newsflash, Cam, she’ll fuck you if you let her, of course she will, I mean who wouldn’t.” He was squeezing Cam’s arms hard now, his breathing heavy. “But that’ll be that. She has nothing to offer you. Have you not been paying attention to anything people have said about her? You’re a much bigger fool than I thought.”
He dropped his hands, knowing he had gone too far.
“Cam, I’m sorry. It’s just…don’t do this…don’t make a fool of—” He couldn’t finish the sentence; his body trembled with the effort it had taken him to calm down.
“She’s not that person. You don’t know her.” It was all Cam could say.
“If you don’t come back home with me, that’s it, Cam. No way back. I’m not gonna wait around for you to get this stupid crush out of your system and then come crawling back to me when you figure out she’s not what you wanted.” He held her gaze.
“I know.” She looked back at him until he turned his eyes away from her and stalked out of the kitchen and up into their bedroom.
Cam had no idea whether Ryan was right. Iris wanted her, she knew that much, but that didn’t mean she loved her. She sat on the edge of the armchair, her body shaking, and the self-control she’d managed in Ryan’s presence evaporating. She didn’t want to cry, but she couldn’t stop the tears from spilling out. She clenched her fists in her lap, willing herself to gain some composure, trying to think straight, and flinching as she heard the front door slam shut.
Of course Ryan had gone out. If he really cared about her, about them, he would have stay
ed and insisted they talked it all out. And he should have raged at her for finally admitting she had feelings for Iris. But he didn’t take any of it seriously and she knew that, instead, he’d go and hammer a squash ball for an hour and come home hoping that she’d seen sense. It was a fair assumption for him to make. She normally went along with him, her moments of resistance fleeting. He thought she would leave her “crush” behind and follow him to Seattle and marry him. He was used to her doing what was expected of her. But that was before.
Before Iris.
She lay down on the couch, curled up on her side, and let the tears fall. Her head was pounding, her heart hurting. There was no way through this without hearts being broken. What could she do? What did she want? She could imagine leaving Cottoms, leaving Graham, and she’d be happy to leave this house. She’d never really liked it, never liked the feel of it, not really ever trying to make it feel like home, but leaving Ryan after more than four years together was a big step. Could she do it? And could she do it without the promise of a life with Iris?
Cam sat up and swiped her eyes with her sleeve. It was no good. She couldn’t avoid her feelings, couldn’t just lie there and wait for Ryan to come home. She knew one thing for sure. She wasn’t ready to leave Iris. She loved her. Cam didn’t know if Iris felt the same, if Iris would want her to stay, if Iris would be devastated at the idea of Cam leaving, but she had to find out.
Iris had said she had feelings for Cam. That was something, not nothing, and Iris had kissed her, kissed her like she wanted something more. But this was Iris. She had kissed a lot of women she didn’t really love. Cam had to see her, tell her that she was leaving Ryan and hope Iris loved her enough to take a chance on being with her.
If Iris sent her away this time, she would be heartbroken but she would stay in London without Ryan and try to honor Iris by being something more of the person she felt she should be.
But first she’d fight for Iris.
Cam headed upstairs, hoping a hot shower would help her think, help her find the words she needed to convince Iris they should be together.
One Small Step Page 27