Moving across the back of the room, she spotted a single seat near the window in the far corner. It had a view of the stage but not the side where the performers were seated. She could no longer see Iris, and it both settled and unsettled her.
Cam had come tonight on a whim. She’d spent the day moving into Vicki’s houseshare and come out intending to buy some stuff she needed for her room. But as she sat at the lights on Archway Road, knowing left would take her to IKEA, she found herself pushing down on the indicator and turning right. To Hampstead. Her mind, her heart, not really letting her forget that tonight was the slam. She hadn’t stopped to change. Hell, she hadn’t even stopped to consider if maybe putting herself in the way of Iris again was a good idea. She just had to come.
Cam wasn’t sure she’d be able to settle down enough to concentrate on the rest of the poetry, but she made herself try. The performer on stage now had a strange speaking style that matched the staccato rhythm of her blank verse. Cam appreciated the woman’s intensity even if the poetry wasn’t to her taste. She looked down at her wine and saw that it was almost finished. She’d clearly needed the liquid courage. She didn’t know if Iris wanted her here. She didn’t know if Iris would care that she was finally free to love her. The words Iris said as she threw Cam out of her apartment settled like a stone in Cam’s chest.
* * *
Iris scanned the room looking for Cam but couldn’t see her anywhere. She wanted to flee, sure she could not read her poem with Cam in the room, but she was frozen to the spot and doubted that her legs would be able to carry her away even if she was able to get them working. As she completed the thought, the crowd burst into applause as the nervous woman finished her turn. The emcee stepped onto the stage to introduce the next performer. Iris made herself calm down, made herself breathe and fix her attention on what the woman was saying, but she couldn’t tune in. She looked for Cam again, and she spotted her at the end of the back row. Iris swallowed as Cam caught her gaze. She still couldn’t believe that Cam had come.
“Now, please welcome to the stage Iris Miller. As with everyone on stage, it’s her first time here with us tonight so a nice warm welcome would be great.” The emcee stopped off the stage to the left, waving Iris forward.
Iris stood unsteadily and took the few short steps to the stage as if on autopilot. She climbed onto it and turned to face the audience. The round of applause that had accompanied her passage to the stage had long died down, and Iris felt the expectation, the waiting.
She had waited a long time to do this, and Cam had been the one to give her the encouragement and the courage to perform her poetry. Iris had dared to imagine that Cam would have been there at her first performance, but not like this, not after everything that had happened. Iris hadn’t expected Cam tonight and now wasn’t sure she could read her intended poem in the circumstances. She would be exposed, it would be clear that she was heartbroken and that she loved Cam more than she had ever loved anyone.
Iris looked at her shoes, felt the audience’s energy shift from anticipation to uncomfortable tension. She lifted her head slowly and looked toward Cam. They gazed at each other for an instant before Cam moved her hand to place it flat against her heart and nodded. Iris felt the power of the gesture from across the room. Her throat full, she cleared her throat and looked out across the audience. She began to speak the lines of the poem she had prepared. The poem she had written about Cam, about her love for Cam, about the hope she had, about the courage they needed. She had never imagined reading it in these circumstances, but she really wanted Cam to hear her say the words. Her voice grew steadier and stronger, and the rhythm of the poem established itself, and she felt glad that Cam was there, glad that she finally had the chance to say to Cam what she felt, even if it was too late. She spoke the final stanza:
The smallest steps are hardest to make
Much easier the big mistakes
If you let me I will leap,
Your love and your life mine to keep
Tears were gently rolling down Iris’s cheeks as she finished, but she didn’t care. Her voice had stayed strong, the words and the feelings had been expressed, and she’d done it. Iris stood frozen to the spot as the audience clapped enthusiastically. There were even one or two whistles. She stumbled from the stage, embarrassed, and headed to the right hand side of the room, as the emcee introduced the next poet. Someone patted Iris on the back as she passed by, but it barely registered. She couldn’t make herself look at Cam, to see her reaction; it all felt too overwhelming. She headed out of the nearby fire door and stood outside breathing deeply, forcing the air into her lungs. It was a cold evening, a welcome relief, and Iris tried to calm herself to focus, to think.
The door banged to her left and Iris felt time slow down as Cam walked in her direction. The look on her face was unreadable, but her eyes held Iris’s, only leaving her face briefly to navigate around the chairs set out on the fire escape landing where Iris was now standing. It had been days since Iris and Cam had seen each other. Days, not weeks, and not months, but still Cam’s beauty was a surprise. And still Cam had the power to make Iris forget everything there was in the world but her.
“Iris?” A single word, spoken so quietly. Iris could see that Cam had been crying. Her cheeks were still wet with tears, and her eyes looked a little swollen. Cam stopped in front of Iris, a yard away and looked down at her feet before slowly bringing her eyes up to look at Iris.
“That was…” Cam paused. “That was incredible. I loved…they loved it.” She gestured toward the door leading back inside the store. “I’m so…” Cam stopped. “I’m not sure I have a right to say it, but I’m so proud of you.” The words brought tears back to Cam’s eyes, and as she stifled a small sob, Iris stepped forward, wanting to comfort her, wanting to pull her into a hug. She stopped herself from doing it.
“I didn’t think you’d come.”
“I couldn’t not come. We…I promised. I keep my promises.” Cam seemed uncertain. The dark shadows under her eyes making clear to Iris that the last few days had been hard for Cam too.
“Look, Cam. I’m sorry. I was horrible. I just…” Iris was having trouble finding the right words. “I know that I did the right thing but I could…I should…have been nicer. I felt foolish because after everything we said, after everything we did, I really thought you’d chosen me, and then when I realized that maybe you hadn’t I was heartbroken. It wasn’t just the cheating, it was that I loved you. I wanted you, I wanted us, but you just didn’t seem as sure. It hurt.” Iris couldn’t believe she was being so honest. Reading the poem for Cam seemed to have unlocked something.
Cam reached for Iris’s hand and entwined their fingers. Iris let her, feeling happy to be touched by Cam again.
“You should’ve believed in yourself, believed in how much I loved you.” Iris felt Cam’s use of the past tense like a punch to the stomach, not sure what it meant and dreading the worst. Cam took Iris’s other hand, they were face-to-face now, holding each other’s hands.
“I told Ryan everything. Everything that I hadn’t already made clear. About just how much I loved you, about not loving him anymore, about not being sure that you and I would make it but really needing to try. I left. And moved into Vicki’s place. He’s going home in a couple of weeks, his flight’s booked, the house is packed.” Cam shook her head. “I’m so sorry that I didn’t handle it better, that I didn’t wait until I was properly free. I was just…overwhelmed and not thinking straight. I had all these feelings for you and I didn’t know what to do with them. I know I’ve messed it up but, after everything we said, after everything we did,” Cam repeated Iris’s words back to her with a soft, shy smile. “How could you possibly think I didn’t love you with all my heart, that I wouldn’t choose you? I’m not the coward I once was.”
Cam bit her lip to keep from crying. For Iris it was too much, she stepped forward, just one small step, and took Cam into her arms, tilting her face upward and leaning in to touch
her lips gently to Cam’s. She pulled away, though the touch had been gentle, Iris felt the power of the contact ripple through her body. Cam blinked, her eyes showing surprise at the kiss, showing desire.
“I want you to know that, if I wasn’t already head over heels in love with you, I don’t think I’d have stood a chance after that poem.” She grinned and pulled Iris toward her, wrapping her arms around Iris’s waist. Iris let herself be held by Cam. “Will you please give us another chance? I want this, Iris, I want you and I’m prepared to prove it to you in any way you need me to.” Iris felt the intensity of Cam’s gaze.
“I mean every word of that poem. I always meant it. I just didn’t find the right way to say it to you. Maybe if I had…well, maybe you’d have found your way to me sooner.” Iris held Cam tightly. “But I love you, I really do.” She murmured the words into Cam’s hair as they hugged. Iris lifted her head from Cam’s shoulder and tilted her face downward, searching Cam’s eyes for permission that wasn’t needed as Cam’s mouth found hers and took her hungrily. Iris rocked under the force of the feelings.
Cam’s hands reached under Iris’s jacket and caressed her back. “I’ve been so stupid and I don’t want to spend another day without you, I’ve missed you so much.” She kept kissing Iris softly, their bodies pressed against one another. “And I’ve missed this.”
Iris moved her hands to Cam’s hair, holding her head now, making sure the kiss could not be broken. Cam’s thigh settled between her legs and pressed into her causing a heat to rise in her body. Iris kissed back, she pushed against Cam, her hands roaming over Cam’s body, digging them into her back and moving them across her shirt to caress her breasts. Cam moaned and arched her body, gripping Iris tighter. She hadn’t dared to imagine this, thinking she had lost Cam for good, but now she didn’t care who could see them. Iris shifted position so as to grip Cam’s leg more tightly between her own. She pushed her tongue into Cam’s parted mouth and bit down on Cam’s lower lip. Cam’s hands were on her back, pulling her even closer.
The fire door banged shut behind them. With some effort, they both pulled away, gasping for breath, gazing at each other. Iris could see the desire in Cam’s eyes, her lips were full and her face flushed. She felt sure her own arousal would be just as clear to see.
“I don’t know if you have plans, but…” She grinned at Cam, taking her by the hand and leading them both down the stairs to the back of the bookstore. “But I only live a few minutes’ walk from here and…” Iris was teasing, walking slowly. “I mean, you’d be welcome to come back for tea.” She felt Cam pull her hand, encouraging her to walk quicker as they made their way along the alley beside the bookstore. “And maybe we could drink the tea and talk a little about the poems we’ve heard today.”
“Dammit, Iris.” Cam pushed Iris inside a shop doorway, one that had thankfully already closed for the day. She held Iris by the lapels and leaned up to kiss her long and hard. “If you don’t get a move on and stop teasing me, I will have you in this doorway.”
“This is Hampstead. You’ll get us arrested.”
“Then hurry us home, sweetheart. We have a lot of making up to do.”
“Two minutes and we’ll be naked on the floor, I promise.” She raised an eyebrow at Cam.
“Now that sounds like a better plan for a Wednesday evening than watching Vicki watch TV.” Cam kissed her hard before pulling her out of the doorway and hurrying them up the street.
Epilogue
“Baby?” Iris nudged Cam gently, stroking the hand that was sticking out from under the blanket. Cam shifted and Iris waited for her to pull herself out of sleep. She felt Cam snuggle in closer but could tell from her breathing that she was awake. She leaned down to plant a kiss in her hair.
“We have to move the seats upright. We’re thirty minutes from landing.” Cam looked up at Iris and the sight of those green eyes, inches away from her own, made her heart swell. Would she ever get used to being looked at like that by Cam? She doubted it.
“Okay, okay.” Cam shook herself awake, moving the blanket that Iris had draped over them onto the empty seat next to her.
“Remind me why we’re flying to Vancouver when you live”—Iris pointed at the small screen above their heads, showing the flight path and location of their plane—“all the way down there in Seattle?”
Cam took Iris’s hand, bringing it to her lips to kiss it softly. “Because I wanted some time with you on my own before I inflict my family and friends on you. You’ll be quite the celebrity when we get to Seattle.” She bit her bottom lip and Iris leaned down to kiss it. “I might have gushed about you these past few months, given you quite the buildup.”
Iris groaned playfully. “That’s fine. I’ve been not living up to people’s expectations for decades. They’ll adjust.”
“They’ll love you as much as I do.” Cam’s eyes turned serious.
“As much as my dad loves you?” Iris raised an eyebrow. Cam and her dad had fallen for each other the first time they met and Iris loved how well they got on.
“At least that much.” Cam smiled.
“And, er, they know I’m a woman, right? I mean, you did come out to everyone—eventually?” Iris couldn’t believe that after everything they’d been through to get to this point, she could tease Cam about this kind of stuff.
“Loud and proud, jackass.” Cam punched Iris’s thigh playfully. It was a joke between them now, but Cam had worried about it at the beginning. She’d told her sister right away, and Alison had been fine, excited even. Most of Cam’s friends were surprised, but happy for her, with one or two deciding they couldn’t handle it and throwing their loyalty in with Ryan. But of course, her mother had been the one that Cam couldn’t face talking to. Ryan had made sure he got his version of things in first so her mother knew the outline of what had happened, but she didn’t reach out to Cam, waiting for Cam to get in touch. It was a master class in passive-aggression that Iris would find it hard to ever forgive.
Eventually, Cam decided on an email, and they worked on it together until Cam was happy it said what she needed to not just about Iris and about Ryan but about the way her mother had made her feel about Mia all those years before. Cam had left the door open for her mother to contact her if she could be accepting about Iris, but sadly for Cam, so far she had chosen not to. Coming to Seattle and not seeing her mother would be hard, but it was Cam’s choice, and Iris respected the lines she drew for herself. It showed a strength of character that she wasn’t sure she possessed herself.
“I still can’t believe your boss gave you two weeks off a month after starting there.” Iris felt for Cam’s hand, wanting to hold it.
“I know. I had to explain the trip was already booked and I couldn’t cancel it, and anyway, I think she kind of likes me so…” Cam left the sentence hanging.
Cam had left Cottoms within days of starting her relationship with Iris. It had just been too weird for her being at Cottoms with Iris, Hazel, and Jess in the same building. Her parting gift to them all had been a copy of Graham’s incriminating email about the funding of the football teams. Their reaction to the contents teaching Cam a few more of the English curse words she hadn’t already picked up from Iris.
After a few weeks in which Vicki claimed Cam was turning out to be the worst kind of unemployed lodger, Cam had joined a publishing company as a general assistant to the editor in chief. It wasn’t glamorous, but it brought her closer to what she really wanted to be doing. And, as Cam had told Iris with a big grin the day she got the job, it was words not numbers.
“She’s sixty, right? And a grandma. I don’t have to worry about you two? You’re not gonna go all Sarah Paulson on me.” Iris feigned a worried look and Cam laughed.
“It’s about as likely as me and Graham getting together.”
“I dunno, Cam, seemed like there was a lot of sexual tension in that room sometimes. Or was that you and Sylvia?” She raised an eyebrow playfully.
Cam pretended to be considerin
g the idea of Sylvia, and Iris gave her a playful pinch at the bottom of her back, leaving her hand behind in the gap between Cam’s shirt and the top of her jeans, caressing her skin softly, never tiring of the fact that she could touch Cam in that way.
They fell into silence for a few minutes before Cam rubbed her hand across Iris’s shoulders in a gesture that was half caress and half massage.
“What are you thinking about?” Cam looked across at Iris.
“A poem, actually. One I wrote about you that time you got injured.”
“You were writing poems about me even then?”
“I know, I had it bad.” She shrugged. “It was just something about how fragile we are and how easily hurt. I don’t know what I did with it. I don’t think I finished it and I’d like to. Seeing someone in physical pain, watching someone get kicked or hit by a car or whatever, you know what to do, how to offer comfort, how to help someone heal, but when people hurt emotionally it’s much harder to know what they need because you can’t see the bruises or the cuts. It’s hopeless.”
“Maybe you can finish it and perform it at the slam that Alison is taking us to.” Cam was excited that Iris was performing regularly.
“Maybe.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’m more than okay. I’m as happy as I’ve ever been.” Iris brushed her lips tenderly across Cam’s and Cam responded, deepening their kiss, no longer self-conscious about public displays of affection. “And this trip is a great way to celebrate being thirty.”
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