by Kendall Ryan
As a single mom, I rarely got to feel special or desired like this, and whoever had written this note definitely brought a little smile to my face.
I wondered who it could possibly be from. There was that guy in my class who kept smiling at me, but he hadn’t been anywhere near my bag. At first, I thought it was Kody, just trying to cheer me up, but he swore it wasn’t him and besides, it was way too romantic to be from a friend. The sappy part of my brain wondered for the briefest of moments if it could have been Zach, but he was probably the easiest to rule out. This poem was pure emotion. And Zach? He was pure sex. There was no way he was interested in me like that. Plus, I strongly doubted he’d take the risk and put something like this on paper—he could lose his job at the university for getting involved with a student.
Still, it was nice to know that someone was interested. I slipped the poem back in my bag, still smiling. At least one good thing had happened this week.
For the next two hours, I forced myself to focus on work and actually managed to get a few things done. When I was finished, I pulled out my phone to check the time and saw a text from Zach. My stomach did several backflips and my vision went blurry. I wanted to throw the phone across the room, and at the same time could hardly wait to get the text open.
Hey, can we talk?
Yes, I thought, breathing out a sigh of relief, I am more than ready to move on from this. Another text came in.
I need to clear the air.
I agree, I started to type in response. I could only assume he was prepared to apologize for how our last meeting went. Before I could hit send, my phone lit up again with a new message.
I’m majorly fucking attracted to you.
My heart felt like it had been ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t tell if I was angry, turned on, or some strange and interesting combination of both. I forced myself not to get lost in my desire for Zach, which was becoming increasingly difficult. I wasn’t in school to start an affair with my adviser; I was there to focus on writing. I wanted to tell him to get lost, but instead I just stared at my phone, unable to come up with a response. Damn it, Poppy.
As if he could read my thoughts, Zach texted again.
What’s the worst that could happen?
I bit my lip and looked hard at my phone, as if the perfect response would write itself if I stared at the screen long enough. Of course I wanted to. I wanted nothing more than to run to his house, strip him naked and kiss every inch of his hard inked-up body. My heart sped up at the thought and my mouth went dry. No. This wasn’t a part of my plan. My plan was to prove that a single mother who got pregnant in high school could still succeed. This whole situation with Zach had already distracted me way more than I wanted it to. After a few seconds I simply said,
I just can’t right now.
His response was immediate.
We’ll talk about it in person.
I put the phone down for a second and ran my hands through my hair. An in-person conversation might be a good chance to lay down some clear ground rules so that we could keep things professional. But even as I told myself that, I seriously doubted this would work, based on how my other conversations with Zach had gone. I tried to imagine what I would tell him to make my point clear. Did I fess up and tell him about Connor? I was a private person and the thought of sharing so much of my life with him felt like too much. But if I was going to meet with him to discuss this, I needed a solid idea of what I would say before Zach’s presence muddled everything.
Just the thought of him sent my mind in a million different directions, and when I was around him… Well, let’s just say I’d need a full script written out if I wanted to keep myself on track. Even thinking about being near him made me start to tingle all over, and I could see him flashing that sexy smirk at me already. That smirk made it hard to breathe. It made me think about all of the things I wanted him to do with his mouth. Shit. I threw my phone down like it had a disease and fled my room.
One thing I knew for sure. Before I officially decided anything, I’d need some advice. And since my new neighbors knew the whole situation—idiots as they were, I couldn’t navigate this alone. I tiptoed out to the living room and kissed the side of Connor’s temple. “I’ll be right back.”
Unwilling to leave Connor more than twenty-feet away, I stepped onto the front porch and knocked on their door, waiting with my hands on my hips.
“Hey.” Jodee appeared a moment later, wiping her hands on a kitchen towel. “You didn’t have to knock. What’s up?”
I motioned to my front door. “I don’t want to leave Connor for long, but I need to talk.”
Kody appeared behind her in the doorway.
“What’s up?” Kody asked raising one brow.
“I’m sorry I was cranky earlier, but I need your help.” I paused. “With Zach.”
They stepped out onto the porch immediately. I almost laughed. I knew that no matter how much of a bad mood I’d been in, they couldn’t resist an opportunity to discuss this situation. It was just too titillating.
“What happened?” Jodee asked, sitting down on the porch swing and tossing her long hair over her shoulder.
I told them about our text conversation and how Zach wanted to meet up in person.
“Are you going to do it?” she asked eagerly.
“I don’t know,” I sighed. “I don’t even know what I’d say.”
“This calls for drinks later,” Kody announced, standing up. “Want us to come over once the munchkin is in bed?”
Feeling oddly emotional, I swallowed the lump in my throat and nodded. I hadn’t had this much of a support network—ever. I lived with my parents all through undergrad, and only moved out at the end of last year into an apartment near campus. My parents had convinced me that no college student would want to room with a chick and her kid, so I hadn’t even tried. I’d just stayed sheltered and under their roof—their control—for far too long. And at first, they’d been right. Last year was tough—just me and Connor in a cramped apartment close to campus while I finished my degree and shuffled him back and forth to after-school activities and sports. And as hard as it was relying only on myself, I knew I’d never return to living with them.
It was how we ended up in our half of the duplex this year. We needed a home, Connor deserved a backyard—not just some crash pad because it was the only thing I could afford. So, I’d picked up more hours at my part-time job, and stretched my budget as best as I could.
I never counted on our new home coming with two new friends who were so sweet, understanding and seemed invested in us.
“That would be awesome. Thanks, guys.” With that settled, I headed back inside to start dinner.
After two helpings of taco-lasagna, a favorite that Connor and I had invented, he’d taken his bath and was tucked into bed where I read a few chapters in his newest superhero chapter book. That kid loved the bookstore almost as much as I did, and nine times out of ten would prefer a new book to a new toy. Or heck, even a used book. Those were pretty awesome, too. I smiled to myself, leaning down to press a kiss to his forehead. We didn’t have much, but we had each other, and we had love. And when we needed an escape, we had words to transport us to wherever our imaginations could climb.
“Love you, buddy.”
“Love you, Mom.” Connor yawned.
I flipped on his night-light and turned off the lamp. “Night.”
By the time I made it halfway down the stairs, I could hear the hushed voices of Kody and Jodee. They were sitting on my couch with a bottle of red wine and three wineglasses on the coffee table in front of them.
“Hey, guys.” I plopped down into the armchair across from them, suddenly feeling dead tired.
“Little guy go down okay?” Jodee asked.
I nodded. There was always a certain amount of awe in their voices and expressions when they watched me with Connor. Being a mom while balancing grad school wasn’t rocket science, I just
did what I needed to do.
Kody uncorked the wine and poured us each a glass. Once we all had a beverage in hand, we dove into the debate.
“So, what should I do?” I asked, taking a small sip of wine.
“He’s really hot.” Jodee twirled a strand of hair around her finger, thinking. “But he’s also your adviser. And I could see feelings developing.”
“Forget feelings,” Kody interrupted, setting down his wineglass. “If a guy like that was interested in me I’d have banged his brains out already.”
“But we have to worry about school, too. It’s not all about fucking,” Jodee insisted.
“I’m sorry, but that chemistry you and Zach have—you don’t find that every day.” Kody was more stone-faced serious than I’d ever seen him.
I sighed, feeling as confused as ever, watching them talk in front of me about this situation as if I wasn’t in the room listening. I was the voyeur in their debates over do I or don’t I. They both had valid points. I thought about Zach’s question. What’s the worst that could happen? That was exactly what I needed to figure out. We could have sex and it could be amazing. Oh God, even just thinking the words was turning me on. I could feel myself running my tongue along his sexy tattoos as he grabbed a handful of my hair. Fuck. This was exactly the problem. It was too all-consuming. I forced myself not to think about it.
But I could also get myself in some serious trouble if someone at the university found out. I couldn’t jeopardize my future—my son’s future—for a few orgasms.
Then, a thought hit me. “You guys, what if sex with Zach isn’t amazing? What if our whole attraction is just anticipation, but the actual thing isn’t that great?” This had never occurred to me before, and it horrified me to think of having to go to adviser meetings with him after that. That would suck ass.
“I’ve been worried about that too…this whole forbidden love thing element can make things seem sexier than they really are,” Jodee said quietly, shaking her head and looking at the floor.
“Haven’t you two sucked face already? You already know better than anyone that there’s chemistry.” Kody was to the point, if not delicate.
A lightbulb seemed to go off in Jodee and she nodded, frantically. “He’s right. Sex is simply a physical act—anyone can do it and it can be good or bad, but when the right mix of chemistry is involved with the physical-- then the act becomes this explosion of bodies and minds.”
Shit. She was right. It really couldn’t be bad between us. There was no way it wouldn’t be amazing, based on that kiss, but that only made everything more complicated.
I pictured Zach’s face, his strong jaw and thick, dark hair, his perfectly toned body. I could still feel his strong hands on my hips as we kissed. That kiss. My face went hot at the thought of it.
Okay, so what if I did “bang his brains out” as Kody put it, and it was amazing. What if we started to develop feelings? Then what would happen? Were students even allowed to date advisers? I could get in trouble with school, and even if I didn’t, I certainly wouldn’t be taken seriously as a writer. He could lose his job. There was no way that would end well.
I couldn’t risk things going wrong. I had worked so hard to get into this program, and now I was thinking of throwing it away over some guy I kissed once? Pull it together, Poppy. Big girl panties from here on out. Adulting sucked, but it was what I needed to do.
“Thanks guys.” I lifted my glass toward my friends, acknowledging their advice, but the truth was, the situation had many facets and it wasn’t something a couple of glasses of wine and some girl talk would solve.
A little while later I said goodbye to my neighbors and headed to bed. But it turned out climbing under the sheets while still buzzing on wine and thoughts of Zach wasn’t a good combination.
Squeezing my eyes closed, I took a deep breath. It shouldn’t have mattered how attractive or forward he was. While I found it refreshing to know what he was thinking, our attraction wasn’t something we could act on. When I pictured the way his lips quirked up when he read over my work, like he was genuinely pleased, or the way he defended my honor at the coffee shop, dismissing Kody and Jodee once he sensed I was bothered by their visit, made my heart swell a little.
I couldn’t believe Kody had called him my hot adviser—right to his face. But there was no denying the man was sexy—he had to know that. Surely he had a functioning mirror at his house. He was six feet of muscled perfection. Just thinking about him got me hot. Realizing sleep was a long way off, and that there was no shame in bringing myself a little relief, I let my hand drift down to the waistband of my pajama pants, and dip under inside of my panties.
I wasn’t surprised to find the material already damp and clinging to my sensitive, swollen flesh. With my fingers slick and circling, it only took a few minutes until I was coming undone—gasping for breath with a certain hot adviser’s name on my lips.
Chapter Seven
Zach
I could tell before we took our first sips that my mother had already read my aura.
“You’re all muddled today. More than usual.” She squinted at me, like I was a street sign she was trying to decipher through a rain-soaked windshield.
“Yeah? You see that in my aura?” I asked, with a knowing sigh. This would be a whole lot easier if I just played along. She was like a dog with a bone. If she felt there was something weighing on me, she wouldn’t let it go until she’d covered it from every possible angle. But the thing was, I wasn’t stressed, not in the way my mother thought I was, at least. I was just more interested in one of my advisees than I had any right to be. We were supposed to be studying literature together. Instead I wanted to take her off the shelf, crack her open, and read the shit out of her.
And when I’d texted her, and told her as much—radio silence.
My mother cut into my thoughts with a healthy dose of reality.
“I’m your mother. I don’t need to read your aura to see something is on your mind. It’s a girl. Please tell me it’s a girl,” she almost groaned this, excitedly drumming on the table. “Or a boy. I support all sexuality. You know that. I donate to that Human Rights Campaign every month.”
“I know, Mom.” I smiled, trying not to roll my eyes. She was adorably progressive. “Yes, it’s a girl. I may or may not have started,” I paused, “courting a girl I probably shouldn’t be.”
“Courting?” she snorted. “Such a poet. You’re hitting on her. You want her. You’re aching for—"
“Yes, yes, and yes,” I interrupted, knowing she’d keep digging if I didn’t re-steer the conversation.
“And how’s it going?” She smiled brightly, excited by the possibility of me dating again. She’d never really hit it off with my ex. Something about her aura.
“I’ve hit a wall. She’s… sort of a student that I’m advising.”
“Sort of? That’s like someone saying they are ‘sort of pregnant’...they either are, or they aren’t, so which is it?” Her eyebrows raised in that don’t-lie-to-your-mother way.
“Okay, she is. She’s a student. I’m her adviser.” This was the first time I was saying it out loud. I felt the weight of the words settle in my chest and into the air between us. Admitting my attraction to Poppy to my mother felt like going to confession.
Good thing Mom was no priest. She threw her hands up in excitement. “If that isn’t the sexiest damn thing I have ever heard!”
“Mom, keep it down,” I scolded her, but I couldn’t hide my chuckle. She was right. It was sexy. So sexy that it had me all kinds of worked up lately. “So, it’s obviously kind of complicated.”
“Complicated?” My mother placed a hand over her heart in mock distress. “No. It’s kismet! It’s fate!”
“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said to the woman notorious for taking everything too far. “We’re not exactly on the same page. Honestly, I don’t know if we’re even reading the same book.”
“Z
achary, look at yourself. What other book could she possibly want to read?” She winked. “You’re welcome for the good genes, by the way.”
I deflected the compliment easily. “She doesn’t want to take it any farther than one kiss we had at a party.”
“Well, that’s because it was at a party. Have you wined-and-dined her? Has my son, the Poet with a capital P, tried to romance her? Or have you just Zach-Attacked the girl?”
“I don’t want to know what that phrase means,” I began with a grimace. “I don’t think she’d go for that.” It was one of the many things I liked about Poppy. She was strong in her convictions. I doubted she could be romanced into agreement. And I didn’t want to bend her to my will. I just wanted her to want me, because I sure as hell wanted her.
My mother narrowed her eyes at me. “Come on, Zach.” She scoffed at me.
Okay, maybe I deserved that look of disappointment. I retreated into my coffee, taking another sip.
“Here’s what you’re going to do,” she continued. “One, invite her over for dinner. Two, pour the wine — keep pouring the wine. Three, do you still have that chicken picante recipe I sent to you or should I email it…”
“I still have it.” It’s tucked away in a drawer somewhere along with my dignity. I have never made a woman dinner, and I was not about to start with Poppy. If I were to fuck that up, who knows if my pride would ever recover? Imagining Poppy poking unhappily at an overcooked piece of chicken was not my idea of romance.
“Making dinner on a first date is a little bit of a commitment red flag,” I said.
My mother sank back into her chair, assessing me with the eyes of a hawk. “What’s that supposed to mean? What is it exactly that you’re looking for with this young woman, Zach?”
I paused, taking a sip of my coffee, while my mother continued, on a roll now.
“You have to decide if it’s just sex you want or if it’s something more. You can’t be in between on that point. You can’t do that to a woman.”