“What’s going—” says Charlie, but that’s all there is time for now.
The Hellfire missiles look like two shooting stars coming down from the evening sky, white flame against the yellowy red, trailing ghostly smoke worms.
“Sharon,” I say, “I’m sorry.”
And then it’s all fire.
WE ALL HAVE HEARTS OF GOLD®
Leo Vladimirsky
FROM: Simpson Stevens III ([email protected])
TO: The Gang ([email protected])
RE: All Hands on Deck! Cancel your weekend plans…amazing opportunity
DATE: 1/21/21
Gang. Gang…GANG!!!!
Simpy here.
Just got off the phone with…you’ll never guess, so I’ll just tell you. The president. The actual, motherfucking PRESIDENT of these MOTHERFUCKING UNITED STATES!!!
And he wants to work with us!
Now, before anyone starts getting all big-pants politics with me, just know that I was most definitely “WITH HER” back in 2016 (that feels like a long time ago, doesn’t it?) and I voted for Obama both in 2008 and 2012 (before a lot of you were even out of diapers) so my political bona fides don’t need any clarifications.
Look, I know that the last four years were weird. I get it. I’m not a monster. We lost a lot of good creatives (and friends) who had to go back home when they lost their visas. We tried like hell to keep ’em, but you can’t fight city hall, right? We had to close our Chicago and LA offices after the Vegan bombings (you can thank the opposition for that): how can we keep our country safe if our own people are busy attacking us? (HINT: this brief will help.) And I know that we were all sad to see our offices in Shanghai, London, Paris, Amsterdam, Mumbai, Rome, São Paulo, Mexico City, Toronto, Vancouver, and Tokyo shut.
But we did get to open new spaces in Moscow, Putingrad, and West Virginia. Closing doors, opening windows and all that.
So I do get it. It’s been tough. We’ve had some downs.
But now we’ve got a big up. A huge up. From way up in the highest place we can imagine.
The.
White.
House.
This is all super-secret, so don’t go forwarding this brief to any of your personal email accounts (haha…you can get into a lot of trouble with that, just ask “her,” (that is, if you can find her (joking, joking.))
I know some of you will have reservations working on a brief from this administration. I get it. But remember that we are in the business of business, not politics. I’m sure a lot of you don’t like to drive (Keith!), but that didn’t stop us from kicking ass on the KleanOil brief. Some of you may be vegetarians (I’m talking to you, Laura), but we still killed it for the Pork Belly Council. And Ajaz, I know you don’t drink, but you CRUSHED it on the Berry-Boppers Alco-Pop viral video project.
My point is that we can put our personal politics aside and come together to do great things and create huge, award-winning ideas. That’s what advertising is all about, kids. And we’ve been called to do some epic work for maybe the most revolutionary organization to come about in our country. I really think (no, I know) that this project and the work we make has the potential to change the world. Isn’t that why we got into this amazing business in the first place?
So look at the brief. Mull it over. Taste it. Feel it.
And let’s get going bright and early tomorrow: 10 a.m. All hands. All hearts. All minds. All one.
Let’s make advertising great again (sorry, I couldn’t resist).
Cheers,
Simpy
Simpson Stevens III
Chief Creative Officer, The Thought Collective
NYC // MOSCOW // PUTINGRAD // CHARLESTON
* * *
THOUGHT COLLECTIVE CREATIVE BRIEF
CLIENT: Republican Security Service
DATE: 1/21/21
JOB NO: 61679
CONFIDENTIAL
BACKGROUND
By the beginning of 2019, it was clear that the upcoming presidential election was going to be brutal. Voter fraud, violent demonstrations, intimidation at the polls, and massive demonstrations, long the problem of developing countries, threatened to take our country down. To combat this, the President created the Republican Security Service, a unique public-private partnership between the Department of Homeland Security, local law enforcement, concerned citizens, and private military companies. The RSS kept the peace, brought stability and safety to the American people, and, most importantly, ensured a smooth election. Consumers recognized the value of the RSS and even gave them a charming nickname—Goldshirts, for the large gold “Trump/MAGA” logos on their uniforms—but worried about their continued presence post-election. Thus, the organization’s role and future is uncertain.
WHAT SHOULD THE ADVERTISING DO?
We need to simultaneously celebrate the achievements of the Goldshirts and inspire people to join up. The Goldshirts did a lot of good in the last year. It’s time people understood exactly what they stand for and what to expect in the future.
WHO ARE WE TALKING TO?
The American people
WHAT SHOULD THE ADVERTISING SAY?
Goldshirts help make America safe again because they have a Heart of Gold.®
WHY SHOULD I BELIEVE THIS?
The world is full of dangerous dissent and violence. Four years of increasing protests and attacks on the Homeland prove that the administration was doing something right—after all, it’s always darkest before the dawn. The Goldshirts helped maintain order and safety during the most contested election in the history of our Republic. They are clearly here for the consumer.
WHAT IS OUR TONE OF VOICE?
Think more Rico from Starship Troopers and less “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” from Cabaret. Fun, strong, proud, but with a wink.
WHERE WILL OUR MESSAGE LIVE?
This is going to be a full-on blitz: we’ll need social media assets, chat-bots, digital, interactive, radio…you name it. But for now, let’s focus on a big splashy TV spot to kick the campaign off!
MANDATORIES
Client loves the Goldshirt uniform and feels it really reflects the brand’s core values. There’s a lot of excitement to see how the color can be expanded throughout the creative.
Let’s lean into the Goldshirt moniker and own it: think Avis’ “We’re number two. We try harder” or Levy’s “You don’t have to be Jewish to love Levy’s Rye.”
HEART OF GOLD - 90S TV SPOT
CLIENT: REPUBLICAN SECURITY SERVICE
AGENCY: THE THOUGHT COLLECTIVE
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
A middle-aged MAN and WOMAN, dressed in robes, sit at a dining table, covered in newspapers and mail. They speak to camera.
MAN
Everything is so dangerous these days.
WOMAN
Our very way of life is threatened.
MAN
You can’t know who to trust.
WOMAN
That’s why we joined the Goldshirts!
MAN and WOMAN remove their robes, revealing sparkling gold polo shirts and golf pants. The icon on the shirt is a dramatic silhouette of Trump.
MAN
And you should, too.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
There’s finally a way to show the world you have a heart of gold. Join the Goldshirts and make America safe again.
EXT. POLLING PLACE - DAY
A line of GOLDSHIRTS block the entrance.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Safe from things like voter fraud.
EXT. PARK - DAY
A large crowd of PROTESTORS wave signs and chant.
ANNOUNCER (O.S)
Safe from the madness of the mob.
GOLDSHIRTS, on Segways and brandishing bright gold nightsticks, ride into the crowd.
EXT. STREET - EVENING
The street is busy. Two YOUNG BLACK MEN walk along minding their own business.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Safe from the crime tha
t infects our cities.
Fifteen GOLDSHIRTS swarm and surround them.
INT. CLASSROOM
A GIRL stands at the front of the room, reciting from memory.
GIRL
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal. That they are endowed by…
GOLDSHIRTS crash through the windows and throw a gold-colored sack over her head.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Safe from twisted ideologies.
They drag her out of the class.
EXT. PLANNED PARENTHOOD - DAY
A COUPLE walks up to the door.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Safe from dangerous, dehumanizing quackery.
A brilliant gold explosion envelops the building.
INT. LIBRARY
STUDENTS scan the stacks of science journals.
ANNOUNCER(O.S.)
Safe from liberal pseudoscience.
The stacks burst into bright yellow flames and GOLDSHIRTS run away, cheering.
INT. BATHROOM STALL
A WOMAN sits on the stall, playing solitaire on her phone.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Safe from perverts.
The door bursts open. GOLDSHIRTS rush in.
INT. SUPREME COURT
Court is in session. The JUSTICES listen to an argument.
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
And safe from the most dangerous thing - the government itself.
Eight GOLDSHIRTS appear suddenly behind the JUSTICES and strangle them with sparkling gold garroting wire.
INT. KITCHEN
MAN and WOMAN are polishing their gold nightsticks.
MAN
I’ve got a heart of gold.
WOMAN
I’ve got a heart of gold.
Their SON walks in, dressed in a gold boy scout uniform.
BOY
I wanted to make childhood great again. That’s why I joined the Gold Scouts.
They laugh.
MAN
We’ve all got hearts of gold.
WOMAN points her nightstick directly at the camera.
WOMAN
Do you?
ANNOUNCER (O.S)
Do good. Do gold. Join the Goldshirts today!
NOTES ON RETRIEVING A FALLEN BANNER
Marguerite Reed
Dear Kiddo:
1st off, the moment you read this, destroy it. Burn it, feed it to a hog in the lot, but get rid of it. They’ve already picked me up; they’d better not get you, too. I can’t come back from the dead and take out three more officers. And Aunt Sook has the Sig Sauer—sorry, but she knows how to use it, and you don’t. You always told me I over-explained—but this I put off teaching you, and now it’s too late.
2nd: Don’t go to the storage facility on Spencer Street. They’re watching. Or, rather, go ahead and go, but what you’ll need isn’t there. Nothing illegal is in there, but they’ll piss themselves over medical books, the manuals, the expired vitamins. Let them get all excited about that trash. To get my backpack, you’ll have to find your cousin Tim and—I know it sounds like a cartoon—give him the password. Do you remember what we called Minji’s stuffed cat when she was a baby? That’s your password. The username for the station lock is the one your grandmom used in college, apisGarden28. My username, yours, Seedy Chris’s, anyone in that circle will trip their bots, and they’ll be after you, password or no.
3rd: They only suspect Tim as a racial resister. His past history doesn’t mark him as a supporter of women. Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t hate them any more than the next man, that’s just not where his focus lies. But he’s got your back. Trust no one else, okay? No one but Aunt Sook and Tim. Not until you get there, and maybe not even then.
4th: You have to remember they’re watching. I can’t say it enough. If you think of something, they’ve thought of that, too; if you do the opposite, they’ll expect that. Find a third thing. Do that. Even better, a fourth thing.
5th: Keep your bike in good order. Don’t be tempted by cars. Remember, gasoline degrades, so don’t expect you can scavenge. I would be really leery about using a public transport permit, even in cases of extreme need. I know you have a burner pass, but some of those buses have cameras.
6th: Don’t be afraid to trade sex for favors. If you feel you’re in a less-dangerous situation, don’t be ashamed to give a handjob or whatever else. You’ve been vaccinated, so don’t let those old ideas of “morality” get to you. Food and shelter are more important than some dusty notion about what you do with your cootch.
7th: Remember talking about that miracle drug? You remember how I said you couldn’t get it anymore? Please believe me. Katty answered what she thought was a discreet backnote for period repair pills, met the dealer in a parking lot, and was arrested by jackboots. You know her brains got blown out all over the backseat. You know they said she was reaching for a gun. You tell me how she was reaching for a gun when she was handcuffed? You’ll hear people talk wistfully about misoprostol, you’ll hear stories about “you remember when,” and that’s fine—but someone comes to you saying they know where you can get some? Get away from them. Aunt Sook comes up to you talking about getting you some stuff? If it’s not parsley tea or vitamin C or black cohosh, she got turned.
8th: No weed before surgery! Not you, them. It’s so tempting to tell your patients to smoke half a bowl before they come in, but weed will increase bleeding and drop blood pressure. Getting lidocaine won’t trip anyone, because preppers are mad for the stuff. Just check it when you get it—make sure it’s not strychnine, PCP, coke, baby powder, rat poison.
9th: We did this so often, remember? All the steps. Speculum—warm the speculum first! The difference in patient perception between a cold speculum and a warm speculum is huge. Betadyne. Local anesthetic. Dilation—ease the dilators, don’t force them. If the woman’s partner isn’t there to hold her hand, get someone to do that. I can’t stress this enough. Remember to talk to her. Stay connected. Keep her aware that you’re on her side. Don’t you ever give her any hint that you’re judging her. Before she came to you, the whole country judged her, and when she walks out, she walks out into that sea of judgment once more. She will have to hear it from the internet, from government television and news, from the women’s health monitors, from the comments of friends and family. Be a rock for her, when no one else will. Thread the cannula through the cervix. Create the vacuum by pulling back the plunger. Attach the cannula to the aspirator. Release the vacuum lock. Gentle movements of the cannula. Watch blockages—watch sterility of your instruments when you have to stop and clear them out. Remember that gritty feeling! That will tell you you’re done. Make sure you got everything. Double check the tissue in the glass pie plate over the light bulb. If she asks, let her see. If she’s up to it, point out the parts. This will let her see what was in her and what wasn’t, so that she can understand the difference between a baby and an embryo. At this stage a layperson can’t eyeball the difference between a cat embryo, a human embryo, or a dolphin embryo.
10th: Without you, Kiddo, without you and the others on this side of the line we drew—hell, your terrified, furious, grieving would-be patient won’t need the classic coat hanger, not when she can get a bicycle spoke. A knitting needle. A goose feather. A kabob skewer from the grocery store for less than $5. Does she know that in pregnancy, the uterus softens up like butter? Lying on the bed, or on the hotel room floor on a stack of towels, or squatting in the bathtub—one wrong move—one push a little too far in one direction or another, trying to puncture the amniotic sac, and she’s pierced the womb. And she bleeds to death, or she dies of infection, because she can’t go to the doctor to get help, or she’ll end up in jail and her doctor will, too.
11th: Above all, Kiddo, trust your gut. Don’t feel you have to be nice. To anyone. We were nice for decades and decades. Look where it got us, huh? Roe was never touched. It’s still the law of the land. But the women coming to see you didn’t have a man sign off o
n their abortion, and now you’re charged with first-degree murder. When you pick up my backpack at the station, you become a criminal and a rebel and an outlaw. I will never see you again.
12th: I am so very proud of you.
TICKET TO RIDE
Eric James Fullilove
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: November 1, 2016
Subject: Preparing for the “Clinton Bounce”
I think we should reflect upon the opportunities the first woman president of the United States (FWPOTUS) is going to create for IASB and others in our field.
Idaho may still go Republican. But the rest of the nation is going to go anti-Trump like nobody’s business. I mean, think stampede, rout, ass whipping, whatever.
We should continue working with our Syrian and Somali contacts as well as our field offices in Mexico to ensure that we continue to be “top of mind” for Internally Displaced People (IDPs) wishing to emigrate to America.
Even though I suspect that a few of you are Republican sympathizers, look at it this way. Is there any way the nation that sent the first black president to the White House for two terms could ever vote for Trump?
INTEROFFICE MEMO
International Aid Society of Boise
“No One Is Free Unless We Are All Free”
From: Chett Hightower, CEO
To: All Staff
Date: November 9, 2016
Subject: Singing Old Negro Spirituals Around the Office
I know this is completely unexpected, even for those of you who actually voted for the President-Elect.
We must continue to act like professionals and above all, dare I say it, WHITE PEOPLE, as we adjust to the new realities of a Trump Administration.
We also have to maintain office decorum. We cannot have people roaming the halls wearing black and passing out phone numbers for our Canadian friends.
And we especially cannot have people singing “We Shall Overcome” during staff meetings.
GET A GRIP. And whoever left the flashlight painted black at my office door, not only do I not understand the symbolism, I think we all need to respect the fact that Donald Trump is the legitimate, elected, next president of the United States.
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