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When they'd finished dessert, Rob started to lecture Toni and Owen about some obscure politician who'd sold out. By now he was all but unintelligible, except for the swear words and even those were becoming more difficult to understand. He fumbled with a candle, trying to ignite the sticky drink he’d insisted Owen find. Wax dribbled into the glass making amoebas of yellow grease. He finally managed to light the liquid but Toni knocked the flaming glass from his hand as he shakily raised it to his lips. A pool of blue flames flared on the table.
"What the–?" Rob managed to say. He looked more puzzled than angry before his head fell towards his chest, lolled, and he was out.
Owen, who'd been watching Rob's performance without saying a word, turned to Toni and said, "I think your little boy may have had a bit too much jelly and ice cream. He'll sleep well tonight." In a smooth movement, Owen reached across the table, took Toni's hand and guided it towards his lips. This time he didn't kiss straight away but gently turned her wrist upwards, bowed forward and inhaled. "Geisha by Ishiguru."
He was right. Every birthday, since she was sixteen, Papa had given her a bottle of expensive perfume, and, though more recently, she'd hinted money instead would come in handy, he'd carried on, both of them understanding he wanted this to be something impractically luxurious for her alone, something Johnny couldn't drink, drop or hock.
"Yes, it is. That's amazing," she said, and pulled her hand away. "But I want to know about you."
Owen smiled at her across the flickering candles. "You will." He gazed without flinching. "You will."
Toni felt drained. Owen easily outstared her and didn't take his eyes from her as he reached again for her hand. She felt his firm yet gentle touch on the soft flesh of her inner wrist. It was very pleasant. Maybe she'd drunk more wine than she thought. And now she was feeling very sleepy. Toni watched Owen's suntanned fingers like shadows tracing the pale line of a vein, and, as he pressed her quickened pulse, immediacy drifted away from her. His voice sounded creamy and lulling. "I know how to make you happy."
"What makes you think I'm not happy already?" she murmured.
"I know."
Rob grunted in his stupor. Owen flashed him a look and back to her: see that drunk, all the learning in the world but he hasn't got a clue about treating a woman right. Toni looked at Rob and despaired. In that brief moment, and without a sound, Owen had stood and moved behind her chair. She felt his strong touch as he began to massage her shoulders.
"I've been stressed," she said. "I shouldn't tell you, but that feels very nice."
"Shh. I know it does."
47
"Sammy," Andy called into the darkness. "Are you awake?"
Samantha thought, I am now, but said, "What is it, darling?" as gently as she could manage.
"I've been thinking."
"Oh."
"It's like I've lived all my life in a bubble," he said.
"Uh, what do you mean by that?"
"My credit card always works. I've never failed an exam or missed a plane. When I played rugby at school, after the game, my kit was always still as clean as when I'd put it on. It wasn't as if I hung around on the touchline. There was always some rough and tumble, but I've never hit anyone or been hit by anyone in my life."
"That's good; you're lucky," Samantha said. "Let's go to sleep."
"Yes, I have been lucky."
Samantha felt the mattress shudder as Andy sat up.
"But today," he said, "I went out for some fresh air at lunchtime, before I came to see you. I was walking along the pavement, I couldn't have been looking where I was going, and I walked slap bang into this guy. I think he might have been a biker or something – he was this huge monster, with tattoos on his face, all in leather. Maybe he did it on purpose, I don't know. But he stared at me, like he wanted to fight, right there on the street at lunchtime. And I just bounced off him into the road. Then suddenly this bus was almost on top of me with its horn blaring. So, I had to jump right back in front of him."
"Oh no." Samantha sat up and took him in her arms. "What did you do?"
"A lightning kung fu chop to his throat," Andy said deadpan.
"Really?"
"I wish. No, I did this grovelling apology and made off down the street as fast as I could. And when I looked back, he was standing there, staring after me."
"He was probably on P," she said.
"Who knows? It scared the shit out of me though. It was like my bubble had finally burst."
"He was a jerk, nobody, forget about him."
"I know I should," Andy said. "But I thought, This is it. It's all going to start falling apart now – my career, us, everything. That's why I needed to see you so much."
"Nothing's going to happen to us." Samantha held Andy's head to her breast as she might a child woken by nightmares, and combed his hair with her fingers.
"How could I be so stupid?" He was sobbing again. "I really did think you were having an affair."
"Well, that shows you how wrong all this bubble bursting is."
Andy stroked Samantha's flat belly through her silk pyjamas, imagining it full and convex. "Yes," he said, but he hadn't told her about his meeting with Sir Gerald and the others.
FRIDAY
48
The wine cask had leaked. When Rob picked up the box, a wobbly silver bladder plopped through the sodden cardboard base. He gagged: it could be android medical waste in the pool of medium dry red.
Once a vitamin tablet was fizzing in a glass of water with two Nurofen beside it, Rob sliced open a brick of coffee that hissed and spewed grains over the counter. He couldn't find the match to make the kettle work. He went outside to find a twig. Scalding water spurted over his fingers as he plunged the coffee. A good bout of effing and blinding would be in order but he always held back at times like this. With his hand in the meagre stream from the cold tap, Rob sighed but thought he could easily weep. He managed to salvage a cup of coffee, and went outside to smoke. The chair was wet and the porch rail hurt his heels.
There was no way Rob could have been up early enough to walk with Toni, but soon he saw her striding towards him from the beach. His quickening pulse told him he was probably in love with her but maybe he was just still drunk. She stood before him, fresh and vital, as he squinted like a nocturnal creature thrust into the light.
"I know it's none of my business." His voice croaked. "But did anything happen between you and Owen last night?"
"Hello. I'm good, how are you?"
He shook his head; this was no time for manners.
Toni smiled and said, "Let's just say when Owen Huntly turns on the charm, wow, he can be pretty persuasive – and he's got a very good routine."
Rob looked to the ground. He wished he could avoid being so transparent but at least this way Toni wouldn’t see the look of desperate jealousy he'd otherwise betray. She placed her hand on the back of his head then ruffled his hair hard. "Yeah, he's got a very good routine, has Owen. He tells you what perfume you're wearing, which is pretty amazing, if you think about it. Then a shoulder massage to die for. Next he tells you about his life, which is pretty amazing too. Did you know he left school at fifteen to go down a coal mine? He couldn't read or write when he left school."
"There you go, I always thought he was stupid," Rob said.
"No. Owen isn't at all stupid."
"Oh."
"Yeah, and if he hadn't broken his leg, he could have become a professional league player. That's when Owen turned himself around. He taught himself to read, and became a salesman. Actually, I think he's inspirational."
"Tell me, did he inspire you to fuck him?" Rob said.
"Don't be a pig. He did try it on but, when I made it clear I wasn't interested, he broke down like a little boy. And it's all about Artemis. He was in love with her – absolutely, no holds barred."
"Yeah right. Owen Huntly told you that?"
"He didn't say that exactly, but I know that's what he meant."
Rob laughed.
"Don't believe me then," she said.
"I don't. I mean, I do believe you, but I don't believe him. It was just some line he was spinning to get you into bed."
"No. For once, you're wrong." Rob hadn't seen Toni's anger rear up like this since the time at the glacier. "He showed me this book that's got all these inspirational sayings in it. That's what keeps him going and–" She must have realised how stupid that would sound to Rob and stopped.
"Look," Rob said. "I could handle old Owen seducing you because he's supersalesman, cocksman supreme, but I can't handle you falling for his hidden depths. What's left for men like me?"
"I didn't fall for him."
Rob inclined his head with one eye daring to look directly at her. Toni turned his head up to face her fully. "You never listen to a word I say, do you? I said he's not really like his image. That doesn't mean I like him. In fact," she added, her voice shaking, "I was scared shitless when you passed out and left me alone with him."
"Sorry."
"No, no. Don't say you're sorry. It's only self-pity and I can't stand that."
Rob stopped himself from apologising. "Um, changing the subject slightly," he said. "Did you have to undress me?"
"Do you really want to know?"
Rob heard the mischief in Toni's voice, and said, "Actually, not anymore, no."
"Well I managed to get your shoes and jacket off, and then you seemed to go onto automatic pilot so I got out quick."
"Not too bad on the behaviour front then, eh?"
Toni didn't remind Rob there was more. On the way back from El Maximo, he'd seemed coherent enough as he outlined a plan for her to leave Johnny and live with him.
"Ask me again in the morning when you're sober," she said.
"I love you, Toni. I really do. Do you love me?"
"Ah–" Too high in the register. "Uh – look, Rob, I like you a lot. It's been real fun with you. I can't remember laughing as much, ever."
He'd started to slur again and was tearful. "So you don't love me?"
"It's not that I don't love you. It's just that–" Where should the stress go – on 'I', 'don't', 'love', or 'you'? "–My mum left Papa and me. I could never do that to Johnny and the boys. So I can't think only about myself – what I might want. I can't separate them from me." She'd turned to gauge his reaction: with his forehead flat on the dashboard, he'd passed into noisy sleep. And now he can't or won't remember.
"I'm really glad nothing happened between you and Owen." Rob reached out and touched the dew-wet hem of Toni's jeans. He traced her calf, and she felt his hand daring to follow the curve of her hamstring that tautened as he pulled her belly to his face. It was unpleasant to be close to him now, and yet, less than a day ago, Toni had assumed the fullest intimacy between them was inevitable. And that might have led anywhere. He stank of cigarettes and wine. She freed herself. "You need to sort yourself out, mate," she said. "And I want to go home." Toni knew moving on meant leaving behind freedom, but the pull of family and the need for home was a rip dragging her away from him and here.
Toni went to her chalet. When she came back with coffee, she saw Rob hadn't moved. "Tell me something," she said, "why the hell do you drink so much?"
"That's easy," he said. "I have to drink that much to disguise how clever I really am."
Toni handed Rob a mug. "Well, it sure as hell works." She sat next to him, and, seeing him smile at her riposte, felt confident enough to ask, "So what did it mean to you, this trip?"
"Oh, for Christ's sake! Get real, will you." He threw his cigarette away.
Toni was instantly chilled and her mind went blank.
"Do you really not understand that real people don't ask things like that? Only managers do – and you are not my boss." A horrible silence seemed to go on forever before Rob added, "Look, I admit maybe you should be the boss. Frankly, I wouldn't have any problems with that, and one day you probably will be. Until then, please don't try any of that management crap on me."
Toni was caught between fight and flight. She glanced at her open chalet door. "I – uh – what do you mean?"
"You know. 'Let's share with the team three things you've learnt from this course'."
"I didn't mean anything – fake – like that. I thought I could ask you about what you felt, after all that we've been through together." She hesitated before adding, "Or maybe, I hoped you might ask me."
Rob waited a while, probably enjoying her discomfort, before he said, "OK, Ms Haast, tell me what value has this trip added to your life? How has your career benefited?" He didn't disguise his bitterness.
"I'll tell you something." Toni chose flight. "One thing I have learned is how pleased I'm going to be to get home, back to Johnny. He may not be half as clever as you, but, sure as hell, he's a lot nicer person."
"Well, there's a valuable lesson to take back to your team." Rob lobbed his retort at her back as Toni retreated into Port.
Toni threw water onto her face, breathed deeply, and returned to the fray. "I think you want it to end like this," she said.
"What to end like how?"
"You know, this trip, with nastiness." Her hand hovered before she rested it on his shoulder. "Please, Rob."
"What do you honestly expect me to say?" He looked up at her. The pain was obvious. "I fell for you. You rejected me."
"I really do like you, Rob. And if things had been different–"
"Right, like me being someone else."
Toni took her hand away. "No. I like you as you are. If I didn't have children and responsibilities, things might have been different. I really thought we could be – friends. I've never been able to talk to anyone like I have with you over the past few days. And you've made me laugh like no one else has before. I'll always remember that, even if it was only me who got anything out of it. I'm sorry if that was selfish of me, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, I didn’t mean to."
Rob sighed deeply and struggled to his feet. He took a few paces away from her, and arched to stretch his lower back. "Right, my moment of self-pity has passed. So, what have you learned during this trip?" he asked.
"Forget it," Toni said. "The last thing in the world I wanted was for you to think of me as some scheming bitch."
"I don't. Honestly. You're anything but. So, please, tell me."
"OK." She hesitated before adding, "I feel good about myself."
"Is that all?"
"Yeah, just about."
"Oh."
"Rob, can't you see, for me that's brilliant." Toni knew her hands were going out of control. "I never feel good about myself. I always think I'm too stupid, too broke, too fat, too married to a loser. Not now. I'm not going to give up wanting other things and trying to do better. But I'm not going to hate myself until I get there. And it's you who's helped me to think like that."
She knew what she was saying might sound actressy and insincere but he offered her a slight bow and said, "Robert K Hamilton, soul doctor, at your service."
"Yeah, I suppose you have been, in a way."
Then he said, in what must be his psychiatrist's voice, "So, tell me about your childhood."
"I did." And she jumped back, nicely anticipating his mock smack. "You were too drunk to remember."
In the Fifth Season Page 31