“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talkin’ about,” he seethed, his chest rising and falling as his breathing escalated.
“I know exactly what I’m talking about,” I clipped. “You keep your past buried, and if anyone comes close to digging it up, you cut them out. You can’t risk anyone knowing the real you, because if they did, you couldn’t pretend anymore.” I stomped to the closet and whipped the door open, pointing at the shelf. “That happened, Xander! Those people were real. They existed. They were a part of you, and you lost them. It happened, and trying to pretend it didn’t isn’t going to change that.”
“You think I don’t fuckin know that?” he thundered. “You think I don’t feel that every goddamn day? It’s in me bones, Sage. It’s a part of me. That pain, that guilt, it’s who I fucking am! I don’t pretend they don’t exist, because every time I close my goddamn eyes, they’re all I see!”
“Then talk to me!” I rushed toward him. Grabbing hold of his shirt, I fisted it in my hands as I begged, “I’m right here, Xander. Tell me about them. Give me the good memories and the bad.”
Taking me by the wrists, he yanked my hands from him and stepped away. “You can’t fuckin’ fix me, Sage. This is who I am.”
“I don’t want to fix you!” I cried, throwing my arms out. “I don’t want to change who you’ve become. You’re the man you are today because of everything you’ve experienced, good and bad. I wouldn’t dream of trying to change that, because this”—I moved in and slapped my hands against his chest—“is the man I fell in love with! There’s nothing to fix, Xander. You aren’t broken, you’re human. You lost people and you’re hurting. I don’t want to fix that, I just want to help you handle the pain.”
I’d been so lost in what I was saying that I hadn’t noticed the shift, but once my diatribe was finished, there was no missing it. Every muscle in his body had locked so tight I feared he’d crack and splinter apart at any moment. The energy bleeding from him and filling the air around us was suffocating. That darkness was swallowing him whole right before my very eyes, and instead of fighting, he was letting it win.
“Fight for me.”
At my whispered plea, his eyes flashed. But he said nothing.
“I just told you I’m in love with you, Xander. And I know you love me too. Fight for me.”
Finally, he spoke, and what he said cut me to the quick and beyond, leaving a huge, gaping wound I knew down to my bones would never heal right. “There’s nothin’ to fight for, ’cause I don’t love you.”
“Liar,” I whispered through trembling lips.
“It’s not a lie. Yes, I wanted you. I wanted that tight little body beneath mine. I wanted to fuck you. I wanted to hear what you sounded like screamin’ my name. But that’s all this has ever been for me. I don’t love you.”
I quickly dropped my head down and to the side, not wanting him to see the pain he’d just inflicted as my face crumpled.
It took a full minute and a huge chunk of my strength I knew I’d never get back, but I managed to pull myself together enough to look up at him.
What I saw looking back at me was nothing.
Blank.
Empty.
The darkness had won.
“You’re a coward,” I spoke through tears, then I moved to my purse, looped the strap over my arm and headed for the door.
But before I left, I turned back and said one last thing, “I hope you and those shadows are happy together.”
Then I left.
* * *
Xander
I moved through the cabin feeling hollow.
My chest, my stomach, my soul. All of it was empty.
She’d taken all of it with her the moment she walked out the door, leaving me with nothing. And I only had myself to blame.
Bear let out a little whine, his eyes pinned to the door.
“It’s for the best,” I said, having sunk so low I was now talking to a dog.
I’d been struggling all day. I did every year when my birthday rolled around. It was a day I dreaded, a day I wished I could sleep through.
That darkness Sage spoke of had been digging its claws even deeper into my skin, and by the time I got home, I’d been hanging by the frayed end of a tattered rope. When I saw that box, the rope snapped, and I’d plummeted.
Bear let out another whine, this time hopping off the couch to go to the door and sit next to it like he was waiting for her to come back.
She wouldn’t. I’d seen to that.
“I couldn’t have made her happy,” I told the dog. “She deserves better. It’s good she left now.”
He didn’t look like he believed me, and I couldn’t blame him one damn bit. I wasn’t even sure I believed me.
When Bear didn’t move, I gave up and went into the kitchen to grab something to eat before climbing into bed and trying to put this miserable fucking day and the ache in my chest out of my head.
I opened the fridge and stopped dead. A plate with the makings of what looked like a fantastic dinner was sitting on the top shelf. A big steak, green beans, potatoes. On the second shelf was a baking dish with a homemade peach cobbler, and just the sight of it made my mouth water. I’d mentioned peach cobbler maybe once. I never in a million years expected she’d remember, but she had, and seeing it now, that ache grew even worse. She’d really gone all out, and because my head was fucked up, I’d gone and ruined it.
Slamming the fridge closed, I turned, prepared to bolt only to stop short. On the kitchen table were two wrapped gifts and a bag with big balloons printed all over it.
Moving slowly, I hit the table and reached out with a trembling hand. I went to the bag first. New tees, a couple long-sleeved thermals, a typical birthday gift, but no less appreciated. In the bigger box was a pair of brand new motorcycle boots that I knew from experience cost a serious mint. I didn’t fuck around with my boots. I bought quality, mainly because they lasted a hell of a lot longer. Sage clearly had the same idea. My current boots were pretty worn, and I’d been needing a new pair for a while. And because she was thoughtful, she’d taken care of that for me.
I hesitated before reaching for the third and last present. I should have braced myself, but nothing could have prepared me for how I’d feel when I saw what she’d done.
It was my spot. My favorite place looking out over the valley. The colors were amazing in the twilight. But what was more, she’d actually gotten me in the shot. Me and my bike.
It was fucking perfect.
The best gift I’d ever gotten.
“Fuck me,” I breathed, feeling like my chest had just caved in.
I stood staring at the picture she’d had framed until I had every inch of it committed to memory. Once that was done, I moved through the house, grabbing the tools I needed for the job, and hung it dead center right above my bed.
After that, I went back to the kitchen. Pulling open the cabinet above the fridge, I reached toward the very back and grabbed the bottle of Johnny Walker I kept stashed there. With that in hand, I went back to the bedroom, collapsed in my bed and brought the bottle to my lips.
Then I proceeded to drink myself into oblivion, lying beneath my picture surrounded by the soft smell of lilies.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Sage
The next week was one of the hardest I’d ever experienced, and that was saying something since I’d lived through some pretty shitty fucking weeks in my life.
I’d trusted my instincts. I’d followed with my heart and fallen in love with a man I knew was damaged. And just as I suspected, I’d been burned in a seriously bad way.
No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to learn my lesson. I made one shitty choice after another.
When the hell would I learn?
Each day being in Xander’s presence was a kind of torture I imagined was only utilized on those people in hell who were even bigger assholes than the rest.
I did everything I could to avoid him, but sometimes it was
inevitable. We worked together, there was no getting around that. And each time I had to see his face or hear his voice, I felt that crushing blow he’d landed at his cabin all over again. I heard him tell me he didn’t love me, that there was nothing about me worth fighting for. And that pain sucked me under once more. When that happened, it was a struggle to breathe, and fighting back the tears was a battle all of its own.
Just when I thought I couldn’t possibly cry anymore, I’d get home, smell his cologne on my couch or sheets, and lose it all over again.
My heart was in tatters, but even then I still missed him like I’d lost an important part of me. I missed his cabin. I missed Bear. I missed how good he could make me feel. We’d been together such a short time, yet he’d given me more than any man ever had before.
Never in my life had I felt more beautiful or desired. He made me feel special, precious, like I was a treasure to him. How was that not love?
A knock sounded on my office door, and when I lifted my head I saw Bryce standing there with the same worried expression he’d been wearing for the past several days.
“Hey,” I greeted, trying to infuse cheerfulness in my voice as I gave him a smile that felt stiff and brittle.
“You doin’ okay, gorgeous?” he asked a-freaking-gain.
I gave him the same answer I’d given him the million other times he’d asked that. “I’m fine, Bry, I promise. You don’t need to keep worrying about me.”
“Impossible, sweetheart.”
Letting out a sigh, I clasped my hands together and rested them on my desk. “It was a breakup. No, not even that. It was a . . . I don’t know . . . an end of a hookup, I guess.” Saying those words left a sour, acrid taste in my mouth and made bile crawl up my throat. What we’d had felt like something so much more than that, but Xander’s last words had opened my eyes to the reality of what we were and made me realize I’d been the only one who felt differently. “They happen to people all over the world every day. It’s not the first I’ve had, and I doubt it’ll be the last. Just like all those that came before, I’ll get over it.”
He came all the way in, closing the door behind him before taking a seat across from me. “You don’t seem like yourself, Sage. And Xander’s been an even bigger bastard than normal. He actually snapped at Rox yesterday. Swear to god, babe. We were all scared she was gonna stab him.”
As childish as it was, it made me feel a little better to know Xander was hurting. His words had been so cold and callous, and knowing he wasn’t as unaffected as he’d have me believe was actually a bit of balm on my wounded heart.
I shook off the tiny hint of relief that gave me and made sure to keep my expression placid. “This is an adjustment period. Eventually everything will level out, and we’ll all get back to normal.”
Bryce leaned forward, something working across his face I’d never seen before. My laid-back, easy-going friend suddenly looked haunted.
“Honey, you okay?” I asked quietly, leaning closer.
“We’ve all got shit fuckin’ with our heads, gorgeous,” he said cryptically.
“Sweetie,” I whispered. “What are you talking about?”
“I’m sayin’ it takes a special kinda woman to take on men like us. The shit we see, it screws with our heads. Some are luckier than others, but a lot of us don’t come back the same. I don’t know Xander’s story, but I at least know that much.”
I felt my face fall into a worried frown. “I’m not sure I’m following, Bry.”
“Sometimes the only thing that gets us through is the love of a good woman. A special woman with the strength to get us past the shit in our heads. What I’m sayin’ is you’re one of those women. He can’t see it now, but he needs you.”
Wet hit my eyes and my voice trembled as I whispered, “Bryce.”
“Don’t give up on him, gorgeous.”
He stood from the chair after dropping that bomb and moved to the door, twisting the knob and pulling it open.
“Bryce,” I called out, making him stop and look back at me. “Honey, did you . . . did you have a woman like that?”
His smile was so sad I wanted to cry all over again. “Conversation for another time, Sage.”
It took me several minutes to collect myself and get back to work after that, but I somehow managed.
I stayed holed up in my office until the need for coffee became too strong to ignore, then I headed for the breakroom with nothing but caffeine on my mind when a pair of low, deep voices made me stop.
My granny always said nothing good ever came from eavesdropping, but I couldn’t make myself move or alert them to my presence as the conversation taking place penetrated my brain.
“It’s bad for business, man. Clients find out she’s the daughter of a convicted felon, they’re gonna run the other way. For fuck’s sake, the guy’s doin’ time for attempted murder. Nearly beat another man to death in the parking lot of a bar.”
That was Xander’s voice. Hearing him say that hurt worse than anything he’d done to me so far, something I hadn’t even realized was possible. I had to press my back deep against the wall to keep from sinking to the floor.
“What’re you tryin’ to say here?” That came from Linc.
“I’m sayin’ she needs to go.
Linc spoke again after that, the rumble of his voice sounding just as pissed as I was currently feeling. “Please tell me you’re fuckin’ joking.”
“Linc—”
“Knew you could be an asshole when you wanted to, man, but I let that shit slide ’cause I knew you had somethin’ seriously fuckin’ dark screwin’ with your head. Now I’m thinkin’ you’re just a dick.”
I heard Xander start to speak, but it was too late. I’d heard it, and there was nothing that could be done to fix what he’d just broken.
Spinning around, I took the last two steps required to take me into the breakroom and came to a stop. Both men stared at me with wide eyes, knowing I’d just heard them.
I pinned my gaze on Xander as I spoke. “If you’re gonna dig into my background, you might want to go a little further than just the surface. If you had, you’d have found out the man my father nearly beat to death was the very same man who’d just tried to assault my mother earlier that night. Beats the hell outta me how my dad ended up the one in jail while that asshole walked free, but there you have it.”
“Sage—” Linc started, but I was on a roll and not in the mood to stop.
“Before that he was, hands down, the best dad in existence. He raised me with good morals and showed me unconditional love every single day. I can count on one hand the number of times he raised his voice to me, and all of those were because I’d done something incredibly stupid. He was gentle, kind, and sweet. He’d been violent exactly one time that I know of, and as far as I’m concerned, his punishment so far exceeds his crime it’s a goddamn travesty. The worst day of my life was the day he was taken from me, and you’d be lucky to be even a quarter of the man Judge Winthrop is. You could spend the rest of your life, every minute of every day until you took your last breath, trying to reach his level of manhood, and still, you’d fall short.”
After I delivered that speech to Xander, I cast my attention to Linc and said, “Consider this my resignation. I’ll give you two weeks, but that’s it,” before turning back on the man who’d crushed me to oblivion. “I was fine before you, and I’ll be fine after, but there’s no way in hell I’m breathing the same air as you if I can help it. I planned to do everything I could to keep things as professional as possible between us, but not anymore.”
“Shortcake—”
“You said once that you needed me to hate you because you didn’t have the strength to stay away from me. Well, congratulations, you’ve just succeeded.”
As I spun around to storm out, I caught one last glance at his expression, shocked to see he looked like I’d just slapped him.
But I was beyond caring. I didn’t have anything left.
Xander Caine
had just taken the last of it.
I started down the hall at a much faster clip, destination: my office. I still needed coffee, but the breakroom was out of the question. I wanted to go home, curl up in my bed, and cry myself to sleep, but I was determined to power through. I’d give those two weeks if it killed me, but I’d be doing it with coffee, damn it. Which meant a run to Muffin Top.
I made it halfway down the hall when I felt a strong hand wrap around my elbow and pull me to a stop.
“Sage, wait—”
“Don’t touch me,” I hissed, wrenching my arm from Xander’s grasp. “Don’t you ever fucking touch me again.”
I tried moving but was thwarted once more when Xander propelled me into the ladies’ room, following after me and locking the door behind him.
For two months I thought being one of only two women working here was a blessing. Now, not so much. It meant we were alone and the odds of someone coming to my rescue was nil.
“What the hell are you doing?” I clipped. “Get out of my way.”
I tried barreling past him, but he stopped me by swinging me around so my back was against the wall and closing in, taking my face in his hands. “God, Sage, I’m so fuckin’ sorry.”
“Stop touching me.” I gave him a hard shove that didn’t budge him an inch. “And stop apologizing! I’m sick of hearing how sorry you are. It doesn’t mean anything anymore!”
“Just listen to me,” he hissed, bringing his face closer.
“You don’t have anything to say I want to hear. I’m done. Now back . . . off.”
“You were right. I’m a liar and a coward.” I quit struggling, my whole body too stunned to keep up the fight. Using that to his advantage, he continued. “Seeing you every day is killing me. It’s been hell, and it’s my own fuckin’ fault, and just like I always do when it comes to you, I fucked up. I couldn’t handle seeing that pain in your eyes, knowing it was me who put it there, so I sunk even lower and talked to Linc, hoping if you were gone, maybe I wouldn’t hurt so goddamn much.”
Out of the Darkness: a Hope Valley novel Page 19