I looked just as exhausted as I felt, and because I didn’t have the energy to hide my emotions and put on a brave face, everything I was feeling was written in my expression.
The only time I’d felt relatively normal in the past week and a half was when I was with my father. Until he started asking regularly if I’d talked to Xander. And if I answered in the negative he’d suggest I do just that.
He knew the source of my sadness, and he was of the very wrong opinion that my avoidance was only making things worse.
Needless to say, I didn’t agree.
But if people thought I was stubborn, it was only because I came by it naturally. Judge Winthrop made me look downright agreeable, and no matter how many times I argued with him, I couldn’t make him see he was wrong.
“Just a few more days,” I told my reflection.
Only that wasn’t really the case, was it? I mean, it wasn’t like I could afford to quit without having something lined up. I tried my hardest not to touch my savings. That money was for emergencies only, and I didn’t think quitting my job because the man who broke my heart worked there constituted an emergency.
Even if my mental wellbeing was at risk.
Reaching down, I flipped on the water and quickly washed my hands before heading out of the bathroom.
My eyes had been to my shoes—even my badass black and turquoise cowgirl boots couldn’t pull me out of my funk—so when I ran into a massive wall of muscle, I hadn’t been prepared, and nearly went down on my ass.
Xander’s long, thick fingers came around my arms and held me in place as he murmured. “Shit, baby. You okay?”
I caught his eyes for only a moment before looking down and to the side. “I’m fine,” I muttered, trying to step past him.
He cut me off by gripping my arms tighter and sliding his hands down to mine. “You sure? You look exhausted, Shortcake.”
His fingers closing around mine was the last straw.
“Stop it,” I hissed, jerking my hands free and standing on my toes to get in his face. “Just stop. I can’t take it anymore!”
His brow creased with worry, but as I tried to shove past him, he grabbed me by the waist and pushed us both through the bathroom door. And like that day a week and a half ago, he took the same position, pinning my back against the wall and leaning in close, his big hands to my cheeks tipping my face up.
“Baby, you look like a goddamn zombie. Talk to me. What’s goin’ on?” he asked, his gorgeous face lined heavily with concern.
“I don’t want to talk to you! Don’t you get that?” I screeched. This time when I shoved him he was so shocked by my outburst he actually moved back. “I look like a zombie because of you! I can’t keep anything down, so food is out of the question, and I can’t sleep because every time I do, I dream of you! I’m trying to get my shit together, but every time you touch me or look at me it’s like a goddamn knife to my stomach. And you just. Won’t. Stop! I can’t take it anymore. It’s too hard. Trying not to love you is the most exhausting thing I’ve ever done, and it sucks!” I finished on a shrill yell.
Xander looked stricken, and when he breathed my name and reached for me again, that emotion I’d been seeing lately that I couldn’t get a read on flashed in his eyes.
My voice dropped to a pained whisper as I lifted my hands to stop him. “Please stop. I can’t handle you touching me. I can’t handle you calling me baby or shortcake. And I can’t handle you looking at me like you miss me all the time.”
His tone was gruff and jagged as he said, “But I do.”
That familiar burn hit my eyes again, and I didn’t have it in me to fight it back, so as I looked up at him, the tears formed and slid down my cheeks. “That’s your own fault, Xander. I tried. I told you I loved you, that I wanted to be there for you, and you picked those demons over me. You made your choice. Now all either of us can do is live with it, so I’m begging you, please, please don’t make this any harder than it already is.”
He squeezed his eyes closed, his face pinching in a ravaged expression at my plea. His chest rose as he pulled in a deep breath through his nose, and when he let it back out and looked at me again, what I saw swimming in his gaze made me cry even harder.
He loved me. It was right there to see, clear as day.
And it fucking terrified him.
When he opened his mouth to speak, I expected another apology. But that wasn’t what I got.
“If I stop, will you stay?”
“What?”
“If I stop . . . touching you”—he gnashed his teeth together, like saying that caused him physical pain—“if I stop staring at you, will you stay?”
“Stay here?”
“Yes. If I make you that promise, will you give me yours? No more touching. You won’t catch me staring at you anymore, you have my word, but only if you take back your resignation.”
I shook my head, trying to clear the mess inside so this conversation would start making sense. “Why would you want that? Isn’t this hard for you?”
“It’s excruciating,” he confessed in a deep, ragged rumble. “But I’d rather feel it if it means I get to see you every day. You won’t catch me, staring, I swear, but I have to see you, ba—Sage.”
He was going to call me baby but stopped himself because I asked him to. And he was going to live with pain if it meant I was a fixture in his life every day.
God, this man was killing me.
“This isn’t healthy,” I whispered, my voice barely audible. “Xander, this pain you’re inflicting on yourself, the guilt and the grief you hold onto like a shield, it’s not healthy. Please tell me you see that.”
He didn’t answer me, instead he asked, “Do we have a deal?”
As wrong as I knew it was, I felt myself nod. I was making another in a long line of bad decisions, because the truth was, the thought of not seeing him every day was torture.
And what a pair that made us.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Sage
“You sure you’re okay, precious?”
That was my dad asking again as I propped my phone between my ear and shoulder so I could get my purse and the extra-large pizza from Momma Gianna’s that I totally planned on eating all by myself from the passenger seat.
We’d had plans to hang at The Tap Room tonight with Roxanne—because like I’d suspected and secretly hoped, they’d totally hit it off in a way I found exciting and just a tad bit creepy—but I’d bowed out, claiming a headache, which wasn’t a complete lie. My head had been throbbing since my encounter with Xander in the ladies’ room at work.
“I’m fine, Daddy. Promise. I’m just gonna take some meds, watch a little TV, and crash. You and Rox go. Have fun, but please try and stay outta trouble.”
Dad snorted through the line. “I don’t make trouble. It just tends to find me.”
“I’m not talking about you,” I replied with a giggle as I climbed from my car and headed for my house. “I’m talking about Rox. That woman’s all kinds of trouble, so watch yourself.”
“Don’t I know it.” My dad didn’t bother hiding just how much he dug that about her. “Woman’ll give me a heart attack if I don’t watch out.”
“You sound like you’re totally okay with that.”
“What can I say? She knows how to live. Keeps me on my toes and doesn’t take a lick of shit.”
I grinned big as I balanced the huge pizza box so I could unlock the front door. “In other words, she’s totally your type.”
He didn’t hesitate in confirming. “Yep.”
“Then I’m happy for you. Call me tomorrow, yeah? We’ll plan something.”
“You got it, baby girl. Rest up, and don’t hesitate to call if you need me. It’s why I’m here.”
God, but I loved my dad, and I told him as much before I ended the call. With both hands full, I shouldered the door open and stepped in sideways, using my foot to kick it closed.
The second it latched shut, a voice spoke,
making me jolt and drop the pizza to the floor.
“Welcome home, sweetheart.”
And just like that, my world stopped spinning.
* * *
“Ah, ah, ah. Don’t you fade on me now. We’re just getting started.”
John smacked me in my face when he saw I was slipping out of consciousness, determined to keep me awake and alert for whatever else he had in store for me.
I let out a whimper as the slap split the cut on my cheekbone even wider.
I hadn’t thought it possible for him to do worse to me than he’d done in that motel room in Phoenix, but I’d been very, very wrong. He’d held back that day. I knew that now because everything he’d just done to me showed he had a lot more endurance than I thought.
My brain screamed at me to run but my body wouldn’t listen. My eyes were both so swollen I could hardly see a foot in front of me. Most of my face felt like one giant, throbbing, pulsing bruise, and the parts that didn’t, I couldn’t feel at all.
My left arm was dangling uselessly from its socket, and my ribs were so sore every breath I took was like fire, however, I still felt like I wasn’t getting enough air to fill my lungs.
Even with adrenaline coursing through my system, I couldn’t move. Fight or flight was no longer an option because my body was broken.
The pain was so agonizing I wasn’t sure if I was going to throw up or pass out, but every time John sensed me fading, he landed another punch or kick to make sure I stayed with him.
“Tell me where she is, Sage,” he said, crouching low so I could see him better from where I was lying, curled on my living room floor. He was close enough that I could see through the slits of my eyelids as he used one of the monogrammed handkerchiefs he always carried with him to wipe my blood from his hands. He was panting, exhausted from beating the holy hell out of me. “Tell me where your fucking bitch of a mother is and all this stops.”
“I-I don’t know,” I said for the tenth time since this started what felt like an eternity ago. Thanks to the choking he’d given me just seconds after I entered my house, I didn’t recognize my own voice and those three words felt like acid on my damaged vocal cords. As excruciating as it was, I managed a weak chuckle, doing my best to glare at this man I hated with everything I was. “And e-even if I did, I w-wouldn’t tell you, asshole.”
“She took something that belongs to me. I just want it back.” I was too weak to hold back my flinch when he reached down. I was expecting another hit, but it didn’t come, instead, he gently sifted my hair through his fingers. “You let it grow out,” he said in a low, almost adoring tone that made me feel even sicker. “Didn’t think I’d like it, but I do. You always did have the most beautiful hair, sweetheart.”
Oh god. I was going to die lying here on the floor of my living room in my cute little house in my new town where I’d started my new life. I was going to die, and my last memory was going to be of John touching me and speaking in that sweet, gentle voice he used to use to fool me into thinking he was a good guy.
“D-don’t fucking touch me,” I managed to hiss as tears streamed down my face, soaking my already bloodstained carpet. “I told you, I don’t know where she is.”
His fingers slid from my hair, and I heard more than saw as he rose to his feet. “Say it a few more times, honey, and maybe I’ll actually start believing you.”
I did my best to pull in another breath and braced for what was to come.
“You put up one hell of a fight, Sage. I’ll give you that. It was unexpected.” Christ, the piece of shit sounded almost proud of me. “Such a shame.”
* * *
I came to slowly, keeping my eyes closed as I listened to the sounds of my house, listened for any signs of John.
I didn’t hear anything. Peeling my eyelids open as wide as they’d go, I scanned my surrounding as best I could since it hurt to move at all. I was alone. I didn’t know how long I’d been unconscious. That last kick from him sent me over into blackness, but it had been long enough for him to have taken off.
Pushing past the pain, I tilted my head toward the door. The pizza box lay open, my carpet soiled with the remnants of my dinner. My gaze slid past it and . . . yes. My cellphone was right where I’d dropped it and the pizza, partially obscured by the box so John hadn’t been able to see it.
The cell was only six feet away, but each shift of my body, each strain of my muscles, was pure agony. It felt like it took a lifetime to make it close enough to extend my good arm and grab it, but by the time I was able to tap the buttons I needed, I only had enough energy to gurgle, “Ambulance,” through the line before the pain won out, and everything went black once more.
* * *
Lincoln
I moved through the hospital doors at a fast clip, holding Eden close to my side as her whole body trembled.
“This can’t be happening.”
At my wife’s small, panicked whisper, I gave her a squeeze as we moved through the corridor. “Calm, Edie. It’s all gonna be okay.”
Her trembling grew stronger, and by the time we reached the waiting room, I was the only thing keeping her on her feet.
Tempie were already there when we arrived, along with her husband, Hayes, and his partner, Trick. They were the detectives on duty at the station when the call came in, and Tempie, a nurse who worked in the emergency room was on shift when the paramedics arrived, so they’d beat everyone else to the punch.
“What do we know?” I asked the moment they spotted us.
“Nothing yet,” Hayes answered. “She was in a bad way when they got her here. Took her straight back. She’s in surgery now.”
My woman’s entire body locked tight. “Surgery?”
My arm around her grew even tighter.
“That’s all we got right now,” Trick replied. “Uniforms are still at her place goin’ over the scene. We need to get back there.”
I gave him a nod, understanding that the last thing either of them wanted to do was leave here to go work a crime scene, but appreciating that they were going to do just that, and that they’d to their absolute best to figure out what the fuck had happened. Sage was one of us. Our women had inducted her into their group. She was a part of Alpha Omega. She was family, and right now she was fighting for her life.
Hayes bent and pressed his lips to his wife’s, mumbling quiet words I couldn’t hear before pulling back, then he and Trick took off. Seconds later, people started pouring in.
Gypsy showed with Marco, Rory with Cord, Nona arrived with Sage’s friend Danika. It was a steady trickle of my guys, each looking a combination of pissed as fuck and shattered.
I knew exactly how they felt.
If my wife hadn’t needed me to hold her up, I’d have lost my shit by now.
“H-has someone called Judge?” Gypsy asked, her eyes bloodshot as she looked around at all of us.
“Called Rox,” I answered. “She’s with him. Said she’ll do what she can to keep him in check and get him here.”
It was Danika who spoke next, asking the question we were all thinking. “And Xander?”
I gave it to her straight, saying it loud enough for my men to hear, because it was only a matter of time before a tornado hit our room. “He knows. He’s on his way. Don’t know what the hell he’s gonna be like when he gets here, though.”
“Goddamn it,” Bryce hissed, dragging his hands through his hair. “He’s gonna lose it.”
None of us had time to process just how bad things were about to get before Judge arrived, dragging Roxanne behind him.
“Where is she?” he asked frantically. “Where’s my baby girl?”
“She’s in surgery, Judge. We don’t know anything more than that yet,” Rory answered. Eden broke away from me so she and the rest of the girls could move to him, offering him all the comfort they had to give.
“Fuck me,” he whispered, grabbing Roxanne around the waist and pulling her tight into his side. “Fuck me, this can’t be happenin’. T
his can’t happen. Just got her back. I can’t lose her now. I only just got her back.”
Roxanne held him just as tight, and I saw the wet hit her eyes as she firmed her voice and said, “You aren’t gonna lose her. That girl’s a fighter. She’s tough as nails, and she’ll pull through this. You aren’t losin’ her, Judge. Put that outta your mind right now.”
Her words didn’t soothe him, but they at least worked to settle him.
As the women gathered with Judge, my men moved to me.
“We find out who did this, it’s not on the cops,” Bryce said on a fierce growl. “She’s ours. We handle this shit, and we do it how we feel it’s gotta be done.”
“Fuck yeah,” Hunter clipped in agreement. “No way the fucker who put his hands on her is breathin’ easy after this.”
I couldn’t say I disagreed. There was a part of me that wanted to find this asshole and rip his spleen out in the slowest, most agonizing way possible.
There was just one problem.
“Afraid that’s not gonna be our call. We follow Xander’s lead.”
As soon as I said that, the atmosphere shifted. We felt him before we saw him. The air went static, crackling all around us as we all turned at the same time to see Xander rushing down the corridor.
Shit was about to get cataclysmic. I broke away to try and head him off, but to my shock, it was Judge who got there first, stepping into his path and forcing him to stop.
“Breathe, son,” he ordered, pulling Xander’s manic gaze to him.
The two men entered into a stand-off for several seconds before he asked, “Where is she?” His voice cracked, and I felt it in my gut.
“Surgery,” Judge answered. “No word yet.”
Xander’s head when down, his hands came up, and he locked his fingers behind his neck as he silently came apart.
I took a step when Judge moved closer, wanting to be there if things went south, but also wanting to be there for my brother. Xander had always been a wildcard. His past haunted him to the point most days he struggled to keep it in check, and I was terrified this was going to be the tipping point he couldn’t come back from. We’d been watching him agonize for months. He’d fallen for Sage damn near the moment she walked through our doors, and he’d been battling it ever since.
Out of the Darkness: a Hope Valley novel Page 22